A teenager's never-ending pressure to be the apple of their parent's ...

A teenager’s never-ending pressure to be the apple of their parent’s eye
Today’s generation of adolescents is facing challenges that far different from past
generations. Drugs, sex, academics and extra-curriculars are constantly being thrown at children,
and parental pressure and expectations are creating a generation of disconnected and robotic
children. Although a majority of teenagers feel free to “just be teenagers,” there is still a
staggering number who feel pressure to be someone they are not and grow up quickly. This
pressure can come from friends, teachers, and coaches, but parental pressure in academics,
sports, extra-curriculars, and social status can have the most influence and detrimental effect on
teenagers. Parents need to have a sincere desire to be involved with their children and should be
supportive rather than demanding. Parents should accept their children for who they are, love
them when they fail, and encourage them to fight for their own dreams.
Stephan Leff and Rick Hoyle (as cited in Anderson et al.) define parental pressure as
“behavior perceived by children as indicating expectations of unlikely, even unattainable heights
of accomplishment.” Oppositely, with parental support, Leff and Hoye explain, “the emphasis is
on the perception of the child, not the objective behavior of the parents.” Parental involvement
would fall into one of these two categories. When involvement has a negative effect on the child
it becomes pressure, when it has a positive effect it is viewed as support (Anderson, 2003, Pg.
244).
In Madeline Levine’s, The Price of Privilege: How parental pressure and material
advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids (2006) Levine writes of
her ten years of psychology experience working with affluent families and “empty” teenagers.
These examples include a thirteen-year-old boy who considers breaking into his middle school to
raise a math grade, a fifteen-year-old boy who is cut from the Junior Varsity team and is too
afraid to go home to face his father’s wrath, and an eighteen-year-old who feels she has nothing
to live for after she fails to fulfill her parent’s Ivy-League dream.
A disconnected generation
The problem here is that many parents are unaware of their children’s lack of self-esteem
because they assume their children are healthy and stable if they are athletic, academically
strong, and well-kept. In reality, many of today’s adolescents are being pressured and pulled in

so many directions, causing them to be emotionally drained, some to the point that they have lost
their sense of passion and self-worth.
When parents, teachers and coaches are constantly telling kids be the best student, throw
the ball further than anyone, and get ahead at an early age, adults should not be doubting them or
punishing them when they fall short of high expectations. They are worn out from being treated
as robots rather than the children they are: constantly being told what to do, how, and when.
Teenage suicide rates have quadrupled since the 1950’s and in the past six months alone there
have been outbursts along the East Coast of groups of teenagers expressing a desire to kill
themselves because they feel “worthless” (Levine, 2006, Pg. 7).
Children will develop feelings of confidence and self-worth if they are able to make
decisions for themselves. Levine explains that when children find a “sense of self” they come to
feel “authentic and capable” (2006, Pg. 8). Levine argues, “Self-management includes such
skills as self-control, impulse control, frustration tolerance, the capacity to delay gratification,
and the ability to pay attention.” Parents are usually the role models who naturally encourage
this development during the transition from a focus on external demands to a greater focus on
internal demands. “You need to say please and thank-you” becomes “I need to say please and
thank-you.” When children are constantly being told what to do they lose the chance to develop
these imperative skills (Levine, 2006, Pg. 8)
Pressure in sports and extracurriculars
Countless studies explore the amount of stress that young athletes feel to achieve
greatness. Not only are they experiencing peer pressure and self-pressure, their coaches are there
to purposely critique and push them, often times resulting in over-exhaustion, emotionally and
physically. This has become to be known as “burnout.” Adding parental pressure only elevates
the child’s stress when he or she is attempting to live up to parental athletic expectations.
Sam Sagar and Joachim Stoeber explain in their article Perfectionism, fear of failure, and
affective responses to success and failure: The central role of fear of experiencing shame and
embarrassment (2009) that
“Parents are a source of perfectionistic concerns through their high
expectations and critical evaluation of their child, and the child’s tendency
to place substantial value on their parents’ evaluation. Parental high

expectations and criticism (or negative evaluation) of their child’s
achievement have been associated with the development of fear of failure
in children and with children’s feelings of shame and guilt when not
meeting parental expectations” (Pg. 6).
When coaches and parents use fear, intimidation and shouting, research shows that it
leads to “low perceived competence and motivation fear of making mistakes, evaluation
apprehension, and high anxiety and worry levels” (Sagar & Stoeber, 2009, Pg. 5). At this point,
the athlete is no longer playing for the love of the game. Rather, the child is playing in fear that
if he does not play or if he makes a mistake, he will be punished. (Sagar & Stoeber, 2009, Pg. 6)
Jennifer Anderson et al. explains what parents should and should not do in extracurricular
involvement in their article Parental support and pressure and children’s extracurricular
activities: relationships with amount of involvement and affective experience of participation
(2003). Parents should be a source of encouragement for their children while still letting them
make some of the decisions on their own. For example, parents should allow their children to
decide what activities to participate in and the amount of involvement they want to exert. This
will lead children to enjoy their activities more and motivate them to participate. “Children who
do not enjoy their extracurricular activities may also be less likely to reap other associated
benefits, such as skill development and positive peer interaction” (Anderson, et al., 2003, Pg.
253)
Parents should not show high levels of disappointment in their child since this will cause
the child to lose enjoyment and motivation in the activity. Parents should remember to place
their children’s needs ahead their own. For example, parents should not put pressure on their
children to bring in a source of income due to their talent (Anderson, et al., 2003).
Pressure in academics
Although the focus here is on early adolescents, it should be stated that even in as early as
preschool children are overworked and under extreme pressure to be academically successful.
The results from Kathy Hirsh’s et al. study on early academic environments suggest that there
are “no academic advantages for children from highly academic environments, and potential
disadvantages in creative expression and emotional well-being” (Hirsh-Pasek, Hyson, Rescorla,
1990, abstract). The same results appear for middle school and high school aged students.

In 2008, the Horatio Alger Association of Distinguished Americans, a non-profit
education group, surveyed 1,006 13 to 19-year-olds in its 10 th annual State of Our Nation’s Youth
report. The study found that throughout all demographics 80 percent of high school students feel
pressure to get good grades and 38 percent of those said that it is the biggest stress in their life.
The study also found that “three-quarters of teenagers say that their parents would be more proud
of them for receiving straight A’s on their report cards than for receiving a community service
award” (Horatio Alger, 2008). Ironically, as parental pressure has increased since the 2005
report, students have still stayed at a B average. Again, the question presents itself: when is
pressure too much?
Pressure can come in different ways from parents: verbally expressing their desire for
good grades, yelling or punishing, or silent pressure in the form of disappointment. The
Children’s Press Line reported on three teenagers experiencing pressure. 17-year-old Shauna
Staranko remarked on how pressure differed from her parents. “My mom's pressure is more for
that marking period, for that day, for that week. My dad's more for a common goal in the future
for college.” Her mother also used bribing for good grades, but eventually the bribing went
away. However, Staranko admits she often worked only to receive the bribes (Staranko, et. al).
Of the three children highlighted in the Horatio Alger study, all three children expressed
how they already pressure themselves to do well, and they have parental pressure on top of that.
When grades can be monitored hour-by-hour online with programs such as PowerSchool, it often
leads children to be punished for poor grades before they even have time to come home and
explain to their parents their sub par grade. Certainly it is important for parents to be aware of
their child’s progress, but this intense monitoring can turn children away from a true love of
learning (Levine, 2006, Pg. 28).
The effect of the all powerful dollar – or lack there of
Levine takes an inside look at the lives of U.S. teenagers and how wealth and parental
pressures have played a large role in their discontent. Straight A’s and sports scholarships cover
up the depression, stress, and anger many of these teenagers are feeling. This is what Levine
describes as the “paradox of privilege” (Levine, 2006).
What startles Levine the most is that the children are assumed to be happy due to their
financial status and successful parents. Comfortable lifestyles, lavish homes, and private school

educations are not what teenagers need to be happy these days and should not label them as well-
adjusted teenagers. What these privileged children need is love and acceptance from their
parents, but too often are taken off their parents’ priority list or pressured into being someone
they are not. Unfortunately, wealthy parents can be oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong
with their children. If they are getting good grades, are well-kept and popular, then what do they
have to worry about? In reality, denial and oblivion are preventing parents from looking at their
own parenting styles (Levine, 2006).
However, it does not take a large paycheck to pressure children into success and personal
ideals. Children from disadvantaged families are often expected to do well in school in order to
care for their siblings and help with the bills. 16-year-old Samantha Avenzzano has felt verbal
pressure from her parents at a young age. As an only child, Avenzzano has been told she needs
to succeed in order to support the family with a high power job (Staranko, et. al). Sagar and
Stoeber (2009) worry that “most parents are probably not aware of the potency of their
pressuring behaviors. Parents may begin with good intentions, trying to introduce their children
to sports activities that may ultimately bring them success” (Pg. 9) In the end, money is
unfortunately the only goal for the parent.
Much more than just a parent
The State of our Youth report showed that 57 percent of teenagers say their biggest role
model is a family member (Horatio Alger, 2008). This is an astonishing number since the next
biggest group is a friend or family friend at only 11 percent. It is for this reason that it is
important to address parenting styles and the values parents are placing on their children. In a
world full of stimulating ideas and images and a never ending stress to be picture perfect, the last
thing today’s teenagers need is added parental pressure to be something they are not. Levine
accurately puts it, “we can be over-involved in the wrong things, and under-involved in the right
things, both at the same time” (Levine, 2006, Pg. 28). Parents must realize that their children
can benefit from making their own decisions. They must take away some of the pressure, and
simply monitor the messages they send to their children.
Medora M. Sletten
May 18, 2010

Bibliography
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