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Pirates!<br />

Don't Tell Grandma!<br />

Words by Kim Kenyon, 'ex” SY shouts and confusion, as a panga (a was one panicky eternity. Heartbeat<br />

Orianne, now SY Karaka long fishing dinghy) with large after heartbeat in the darkness of<br />

engines, packed full of angry men in the locker. I didn't know where the<br />

I think my life is like a Quentin ripped and dirty shirts careened shots were coming from; I'd lost my<br />

Tarantino movie. Or at least the away with the coast guard in hot sense of direction. Were they<br />

boat's is. A little bit of background: pursuit. And although it was late coming from the marina? Was that a<br />

afternoon, dear readers, my day was crew-mate screaming? I couldn't<br />

This year my partner Tom almost just beginning. stand it. I couldn't just wait there to<br />

died after being mauled by a die. I would get off this boat (cue<br />

barracuda on a deserted island in Shotguns and machine guns rang movie music), and I would swim if I<br />

Cuba. A few months and many out. My heart stopped. Frozen for had to.<br />

operations later we sailed into, and<br />

straight out of, an open sea drug<br />

chase in Isla Providencia, Colombia.<br />

Further south, we were surrounded<br />

by four high speed boats at deep<br />

sea, packed full of balaclavaed men<br />

pretending to fish. Although we<br />

thought we were done for, we<br />

motored through with no hassles,<br />

and cracked pirate jokes all<br />

afternoon. Only to be attacked by<br />

real life pirates of the Caribbean a<br />

few hours later. <strong>The</strong>y boarded with<br />

guns and machetes, tied us up in the<br />

light of a blood red, rising full moon,<br />

took control of the boat and<br />

ransacked it in the entrance to the<br />

harbour in Cartagena, Colombia.<br />

Oh boy, it gets better. <strong>The</strong>n we<br />

sailed to Haiti. Two days later we<br />

felt the tremors of the devastating<br />

earthquake that eventually killed<br />

200 000 Haitians. After donating all<br />

we had, it became increasingly clear<br />

we needed to leave. We kept double<br />

watches and sailed without running<br />

lights in the dead of a dark night<br />

with all ears tuned for engines as we<br />

made a dash for Jamaica. We later<br />

heard reports of thousands of boats<br />

fleeing the country and terrifying<br />

tales of yachts encountering Haitian<br />

pirates or running aground in front<br />

of villages. Although we made it to<br />

Port Antonio, Jamaica, safe and<br />

sound, pirates and refugees were on<br />

our minds. You know what, it had<br />

been one hell of year.<br />

So, a week later...<br />

I was alone on the boat. Sitting in<br />

late afternoon sunlight, a cake in the<br />

oven, doing dishes on the deck and<br />

singing to myself. Birds flew<br />

through rainclouds that sit on top of<br />

Port Antonio like great big gods in<br />

the sky, and the fishing boats were<br />

heading home.<br />

All of a sudden a Coast Guard boat<br />

nosed out of the harbour, throttled<br />

up and veered to shore. <strong>The</strong>re were<br />

seconds above my dishes, I<br />

scampered inside, mumbling<br />

frantically to myself as I peeked out<br />

the porthole. <strong>The</strong> chase was on. It<br />

seemed as if two of the coast guards<br />

had been hurt. While the fishing<br />

boat had landed on the Errol Flynn<br />

Island just across the way, and its'<br />

bandido crew were making a stand<br />

on the dock, shirtless and shooting<br />

fast and hard. <strong>The</strong>n I heard a<br />

grenade.<br />

I couldn't take it. I was frightened<br />

and furious and sick to death of<br />

being in life threatening situations. I<br />

shut the hatches and windows and<br />

bunkered down inside. <strong>The</strong> shooting<br />

got closer. A new boat had joined<br />

and was venturing dangerously close<br />

to our own. I crouched next to the<br />

oven, absentmindedly checked on<br />

my cake and wonder if this was it.<br />

<strong>The</strong> end of the line for Kim Kenyon…<br />

I reflected. I had no dinghy, I<br />

couldn't get to shore. We were the<br />

furthest boat from land. Not a soul<br />

was home on the other yachts. It<br />

suddenly became a remote but<br />

frightening possibility that these gun<br />

toting bandits might use Karaka as a<br />

shield between them. What if they<br />

came on board? Oh boy, the<br />

gunshots sounded closer.<br />

By this time I was getting frantic,<br />

time to turn off the oven and look for<br />

a hiding place. Under a bunk? Too<br />

obvious. In a cupboard? <strong>The</strong>y<br />

might check. I decided on the big<br />

locker in the v-berth. It looked like<br />

a flush wall, but was a deep well full<br />

of gear. I dug out some wetsuits,<br />

clambered in, layered an old<br />

spinnaker on top, shut the door, and,<br />

with my ear to the hull... waited,<br />

sweltered and prayed.<br />

Sounds were distorted. I could<br />

hear constant gunfire. Engines<br />

came closer and careened away. I<br />

thought I heard someone scream. It<br />

I got out of the steamy locker and<br />

peeked through the window. Masses<br />

of people lined the shore watching<br />

the chase. <strong>The</strong> boats were back<br />

over near the island, though still<br />

doing loops that took them 50 foot<br />

from our boat as they reloaded their<br />

guns and headed back for more. I<br />

decided to take a risk. If I could get<br />

out of the boat without being seen,<br />

and swim the mile to shore, I would<br />

be fine, right? .... right? <strong>The</strong>y<br />

weren't heading that close. Yet.<br />

I went into panic mode. Found the<br />

closest bathing suit I could find (it<br />

happened to be a 1950's polka<br />

dotted swimsuit complete with frilly<br />

skirt) and commenced evasive<br />

action. I stealth climbed out of that<br />

front hatch, “commando rolled” to<br />

the bow of the boat and monkeyed<br />

my way clumsily down the anchor<br />

chain, landing in a polka dotted and<br />

entirely ungraceful splash. Once in<br />

the water, I held my breath, dove<br />

deep and swam like a maniac.<br />

Half way, I surfaced, only to see<br />

them heading straight towards me at<br />

high speed. I ducked under and just<br />

about killed myself making a last<br />

dash for the safety of shore. I may<br />

have big feet, but I sure ain't Ian<br />

Thorpe. As I coughed up a lung, and<br />

left it bobbing in my wake, I vowed<br />

never to smoke Marlboro reds again.<br />

Finally, red faced, straggle haired<br />

and limp frilled, my bathing suit and<br />

I made it to the dock.<br />

Praise cheeses, I was safe. I<br />

clambered up and staggered through<br />

the screaming masses. My eyes were<br />

crazed, and my chest was heaving.<br />

It was like this; unable to talk for<br />

the sheer act of breathing, that my<br />

local friends found me. “What you<br />

doin' swimmin' to shore in that crazy<br />

swimsuit mon! Don't you know that<br />

the Coast Guard are doing their<br />

military training over on the island?!”<br />

Pirate survivor, Kim Kenyon<br />

Do you laugh or cry? I am officially<br />

a fool. We went back to the boat,<br />

turned the oven back on, and poured<br />

a stiff drink as we laughed the night<br />

away imagining the sight of a<br />

commando rolling blond in a 50's<br />

polka dotted bathing suit. My life<br />

might be like a Quetin Tarantino<br />

movie, but don't tell grandma, hey?<br />

KIM'S COMANDO CAKE<br />

Preheat oven to 350F or 180C.<br />

Cream 1 stick of butter with one cup<br />

of sugar.<br />

Add 2 lightly beaten eggs,<br />

2-3 mushy bananas,<br />

2 finely grated carrots, a handful of<br />

nuts or sunflower seeds with pinches<br />

of vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon and<br />

cloves.<br />

Dissolve 1 tsp baking soda in 2tbs of<br />

milk.<br />

Add to mix.<br />

Sift 250g, plain flour with 2 tsp<br />

baking powder (you can substitute ¼<br />

of this amount with shredded<br />

coconut, oats or rye flour).<br />

Mix all ingredients well, until the<br />

mixture is bubbly and drips slowly<br />

off the mixing spoon.<br />

Pour into a greased cake tin and<br />

place in a moderate oven.<br />

<strong>The</strong>n halfway through, have the<br />

scare of your life.<br />

Turn off the oven and run away.<br />

Come back a while later, when all is<br />

safe, cook cake for 40-45 minutes,<br />

and serve with a very stiff drink of<br />

Appleton rum. Maybe a cigar. Here's<br />

to you and your commando cake!<br />

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Martin Vives photo

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