rhubarb magazine

Linjsch, Rajcht,
De’dwäa, and Äwaschrots
By Armin Wiebe
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed
by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the
pursuit of Happiness.
—The Declaration of Independence, 1776
So was it then, not as always, no it
was different, only still the same too.
The rhubarb was red on the outside, at
least the stalks, but the leaves were still
green, and poisonous too. Giftig, if you
want still German to use. Jeftijch, if you
use Plautdietsch, which is interesting because
it brings giving and poison together,
sugar-coated poison pills good for fending
off corporate takeovers or orphaned
widowers. More blessed to give than to receive.
The French would give you poisson,
a whole other kettle of fish, with or without
legs. But the rhubarb was red, still,
with green leaves, growing at the edge of
the garden almost in the row of willows
there that grew between the neighbour’s
field and the yard. So it was then, but not
as always.
Some thought things had gone too linjsch,
too left-wing; others thought things
were far too rajcht, so much weight on the
right wing that even angels couldn’t fly;
and there were those who thought it was
all äwaschrots, and for sure you can’t run
a business as the raven flies—raven stories
have no scientific validity. A few even said
things were just de’dwäa, like a Model A
slipping out of control on a muddy meddel-linje,
the field road dividing a section
of land down the middle into equal parts.
Of course the southpaw linjsche
tongues said that the self-righteous rajchte
had been cultivating away at that middle
road so that the centre, the middle-line,
had been moved over so far that even a
person who buckled up his seatbelt and
used his turn signal lights before making
a turn was now considered to be a Marxist
or at least a socialist fellow traveler.
And as at least one publi-
Linjsch
can and sinner said, “This is no
Rajcht
time to be expeerimenting with
socialism—or Social Credit for
that matter.”
For sure, the rackering rajchte
railed that the linjsche were just
Äwaschrots
tax and spend liberals who were
too dupsijch to run a business
without subsidy from the taxpayer,
and for sure the rajchte
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were the only true critiques of
De’dwäa
poor reason and so would use
taxpayers’ money to schtiepa
up the rotting scaffolding of the
hallowed worldwide Monopoly game.
Meanwhile the kitty-cornered äwaschrotse
thought that both the linjsche
and the rajchte were leading the world
down the slippery slope of poor reason,
and that really the Monopoly game was
no longer viable—not even Viagra would
bring back Henry Ford—and that even
Adam Smith wouldn’t approve of using
one credit card to make payments on another
credit card.
And those who said that things were
just de’dwäa, if they saw anything at all
to make them change their minds, would
only give in that things for sure were like
a stomach after a day of rackering on
the steppe with nothing to eat—hanging
downright scheef.
So it was then, not as always, only still
the same too, because it had been this way
for 232 years at least, self-evident some
said, and some even said that it was only
now after 232 years that it was self-evi-
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