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Parental Pride and Adolescence.
Parental pride can put pressure on adolescent
performance.
Young Child
Most parents want to be proud of their children, and
most children want to make their parents proud. In fact,
to a young child, parents saying, “I’m so proud of you”
can be the most powerful praise of all.
Not only are the parents feeling pleased about you,
they are feeling pleased about themselves based on
how well you have performed. They like to bask in the
reflected glory of your accomplishment by thinking that
they had something to do with your achievement. Or as
one parent proudly put it, “This just shows that we did
something right!”
Parents can feel proud when a child has
made them look good in the eyes of the
world that conclude a well performing
child must have well performing
parents. This is why saying “I’m proud
of you” can be like congratulating
yourself - complimenting the child for
reflecting well on you. Pride in you =
pride in me. Now parental pressure on
the child can build: “I have to do well for
my parents so they can feel good about themselves.”
Adolescence
Come adolescence, I have found in counseling that
expressing parental pride this way can become even
more complex. Early in adolescence it can connote
obeying and complying with parents, something the
rebellious young person may not want to do. And later
in adolescence it can connote growing up to follow
the example and fit the agenda of parents, which the
independent-minded young person may not want to do.
So the 13-year-old, to make it clear that she no longer
wants to be defined and treated as a child, acts
differently and older by passively and actively opposing
more of what her parents ask. It’s like the young person
is resolved not to do what parents want, not to please
her parents, and not to act like the good child she used
to be. For her to accept the “I’m proud of you” statement
as praise would be admitting that she was doing what
parents wanted, was acting to please them, and was
trying to make them look good, just as she did when she
used to be a child. No way!
Or the 17-year-old, to make it clear that he is going to
lead his adult life his own way and not follow the way
of his parents, in high school starts planning out an
individually different path. It’s like the young person
is resolved not to allow what parents approve of or
want to dictate what he chooses to do with his adult
life. For him to accept the “I’m proud of you” statement
as praise would be admitting that he is living out their
agenda, wants his future life to meet their expectations,
Pride in you =
pride in me.
and is content to follow their example. Give up his
independence? No way!
Then What?
So does this mean parents should not praise their
adolescent? No. It means they must find a way to praise
the young person that does not include the statement
“I’m proud of you.” The simplest alternative I have
found, and the one most teenagers seem to readily
accept, is very simple: “Good for you!” This puts all
the choice on the teenager and removes parents from
appropriating or sharing credit for the young person’s
performance.
How do You Express a Loss of Pride?
Of course, parents need to beware expressing a loss
of pride in the teenager, that loss most
commonly expressed by the statement:
“We are really disappointed in you!” There
are few criticisms as devastating as this.
Almost always I have seen young people
interpret this statement as meaning, “You
have lost loving standing in our eyes.” No
adolescent wants to let his parents down.
Despite all bravado to the contrary, and
even though direct statements of parental pride can
be compromising, she or he always wants to shine in
parental eyes.
Conclusion
So the next time your teenager does something you
approve of or admire, instead of saying “I’m proud of
you,” put the credit and benefit where it belongs. Say,
“Good for you!” And never say, “You’ve disappointed
me.”
by Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D
Psychology Today. October 4, 2009
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