The New York Times Magazine, Sunday, August 22, 1999

The Outsiders
"Before, all I knew was what people
were telling me about myself, and it
wasn't a positive image, and I wasn't
shed in his backyard. He manages his anger
largely through jujitsu.
interested in who I was," he continues. "Jujitsu gave me something else that I
was, that was better and more believable."
The friendship with Tyler created elbow room. They joined the wrestling team.
They formed a band named Gawd. It helps that Tyler's parents encourage his use
of their renovated colonial as a social center, and that his dad quit his job as an
executive to stay home full time. His parents call the arrangement a luxury, a
decision they made around the time when Tyler's mother was promoted to
assistant principal of a middle school. Then Tyler had the great good fortune of
several growing spurts, which, at last measure, topped six feet to match the
hard-earned bulk.
His upbeat personality may defuse hostility, but his physical presence is a moat.
A friend who has known Tyler since childhood, who will only give his on-line
name, Bladerunner, says: "He is just really nice and he sticks up for people."
Bladerunner, 17, has had his own troubles. A boy he'd met in the hospital after a
suicide attempt wanted to beat him up, and for months, the tranquil New
Hampshire town became a minefield for him. Bladerunner stopped visiting the
park and dreaded school. The restaurant where he washes dishes was the only
place he anticipated with some pleasure because his boss treats him "like a
person." Otherwise, he met Tyler at the Incubator, a room where students go
when they have a free period. They would get passes to the weight-lifting room.
Bladerunner didn't stick with the weights, but it mattered that Tyler encouraged
him. Recently, Tyler invited Bladerunner to be a vocalist for Gawd. "I realized I
was walking around people on eggshells, because I'm always afraid of what's
going to happen to me, or what people are going to think," Bladerunner says. "I
am going to try to take what I am afraid of and look it in the face, as much as it
might physically hurt."
Even as it helps in the day-to-day of high school, bodily renovation perpetuates
the hierarchy. Bulking up -- or being near someone who does -- just means the
pyramid starts lower down. Tyler sees similarities between R. and himself: "He
gets respected because he throws his weight around. I get respected because I
don't have to." He also recognizes how the pressure to prove his masculinity
drove him to objectify girls. "I treated my girlfriends really bad," he says. "I
admit it. I was like, Oh, there's a pair of boobs, I'll go stand next to it. I think I'll
go talk to it."
Of course, trivializing girls is a most likely result of a pecking order in which
http://www.nytimes.com/library/magazine/home/19990822mag-boys-social-coping.html (9 of 13) [8/22/1999 9:18:22 PM]