0409 April 2009.pdf - Pacific San Diego Magazine

Love: Oh, Man!
hairy
Houdini
Magic revealed: How to notice a
haircut—a crash course for men
Notice
anything?
By Craig Boreth
The concept of noticing haircuts is fascinating because it illustrates
one of the stark differences between women and men. Women
gauge the quality of their hair, often several times a day (or hour) with
precision that would make a nanotechnologist squint. Their mood, their
self esteem and the very core of their existence hinges on where,
exactly, this particular hair-moment falls on the scale from one to ten,
where ten is hot and one is I hate myself. For men, hair is basically a
“yes” or “no” proposition, and getting a score on even that simple
scale requires that the issue actually breach consciousness. Actually,
a better title for this piece would be “How to Notice Hair… Period.”
Another interesting point about noticing haircuts is that it marks an
important boundary between the sexes. On one side is just how stupid
men can be. On the other side is how stupid women think men can be.
Men are indeed stupid enough not to notice something as important to
their wives and girlfriends as hair, but despite what women may believe,
we are not stupid enough to notice and not say so.
Most men would actually notice a very drastic change in hair color or
style (i.e., blond to brunette or long-haired Britney Spears to bald chick
stabbing car with umbrella), but such obvious transformations happen
too infrequently to help us much. Unfortunately, the mind of man just
can’t grasp things like highlights,
shininess, layers and roots. So, as
usual, we have to figure out a way to
trick her… in this case into believing
we care about her hair.
Going with the theory that even a
stopped clock is right twice a day,
if you pretend to notice her hair on a pre-set schedule, you’re bound to
be right eventually. Of course, there are things you can do to make the
whole process a little less random.
If you pretend to notice her
hair on a pre-set schedule, you’re
bound to be right eventually
bought on her way home and, most importantly, date of her next
appointment. Once you’ve got that, you’re all set.
Note the upcoming date on your calendar (remember to set
reminders at about that same interval for
future cuts, too), then be sure to tell her
how great her hair looks the moment you
see her afterward. Since it doesn’t matter
if you compliment her a few days early,
it’s best to err a bit on the conservative
side. In the event that you do experience
premature observation, simply recover by
saying that you think her hair looks great as it is and that she should
consider letting it grow out a bit. Whatever you do, just don’t let a
haircut go by without noticing.
For example, tell her friends you want to give her a day of beauty, and
you’re wondering when she’s due for her next visit to the salon. They’ll
give you the full report: Date of her last haircut, name of stylist, subject
matter of discussion with stylist, price, amount of tip she left, what she
Of course, the risk with noticing that first haircut is that she’s going
to expect that kind of treatment every time. Fortunately, it does get
easier as you keep doing it, and over time she’ll cut you some slack
based on your ever-improving track record.
Craig Boreth is the author of How To Feel Manly in a
Minivan: A Survival Guide for New Dads, and How To Iron
Your Own Damn Shirt: The Perfect Husband Handbook.
Tune in next month to learn how
to pretend not to look at other women.
40 | APRIL 2009 « PACIFICsandiego.com