This Lent Discover God's Love In A Retreat - St. Augustine Catholic

hadn’t taken on the responsibilities of
being a parent. He said he came into the
role of stepfather with the same
unrealistic expectation a lot of people
have, that of instantaneous acceptance by
the children. It didn’t take him long to
realize it wouldn’t be that easy.
“In my first two years as a stepparent, I
was invisible,” said O’Byrne. “They just
looked right past me.”
But it wasn’t because of anything he had
done to alienate his three stepchildren. It’s
simply that it would take time for them to
accept him as a full part of the family.
“Love comes slowly, if at all,” he said of
the stepchild’s feelings toward the new
stepparent. “You’ll be an intimate outsider.
You want to get close but you’ll always be
on the outside. And that’s OK.”
Separate But Equal
The hierarchy of the family unit
provides the children with a unique sense
of who they are based on their birth order.
That positioning should continue with the
blended family, even if the numbers don’t
add up.
In the Hildreth’s case, they each had a
son who was the oldest member of the
family and a daughter as the youngest.
When they married, chronologically
Peggy’s son was no longer the oldest and
Chris’s daughter was no longer the baby of
the household.
But, in the family’s spirit, each child’s
station didn’t change when the two families
came together. That’s an important
consideration for each family to make,
since a child’s identity is tied to his or her
place within the family structure. It’s easier
to accomplish if the families maintain a
sense of separateness and individuality.
“We really feel that we do have two
separate families,” Chris said. “It’s better if
you respect the two families as they are.”
Despite this apparent dichotomy, the
two families will be able to function as
one, the experts maintain. But the integration
of the two
families into a
cohesive unit is
a slow process.
And, O’Byrne
cautions, it is
an outcome that
may never take place.
“At the outside, it takes two or more
years to settle down,” he said. “You have to
ask yourself, are you ready to wait?”
The Unbreakable Bond
Understanding the needs of each of the
children in a remarriage is a vital part of
creating a harmonious atmosphere. The
children need to feel that the relationship to
their own parent is just as strong as it ever
was, even with the addition of a new parent.
“Remember, that parent/child relationship
predates your relationship,” O’Byrne said.
Peggy Hildreth said she realized early in
her marriage to Chris that she could not
bend the bond he had with his daughter,
nor, she discovered, did she want to.
During a family vacation, Chris’s
youngest daughter kept trying to
physically wedge herself
between the couple, taking
her dad’s hand and forcing
Peggy to walk behind them.
At first, Peggy felt as if she
were being pushed away. Then
she realized that her stepdaughter
was just taking her rightful place next to
her father, the place she had belonged
since she was born.
“I’m really an outsider in that relationship,
big time,” Peggy said. “I finally
realized I had to let her have him. It was
just a war and I wasn’t going to win.”
For Peggy’s son, who, at age nine, had
been the “man of the family” since his
parents’ divorce, the addition of Chris into
the family meant his place was going to be
supplanted by a new father. It was not a
role he was prepared to relinquish.
“He told me, ‘Chris can’t take care of
you like I do,’” Peggy said. “He didn’t
think I needed to marry Chris.”
“All I saw was the back of his head for a
few months,” Chris said of his stepson’s
initial reaction to him. Over the years,
however, their relationship has changed
and improved.
Making Discipline Work
Maintaining discipline in the blended
family is one of the most troubling aspects
of step parenting and the one that causes
the majority of serious problems in new
marriages.
Peggy says her discipline style is akin to
“still waters run deep” – she’s calm but
firm. Husband Chris admits he is a
screamer.
For them, the key to successful discipline
is to present a united front,
allowing the natural parent to lead the way,
with backup provided by the stepparent.
That’s not to say that the stepparent
has to delay discipline if the natural parent
isn’t available, however. The stepparent
needs to discipline in a way the child
responds to, if that’s possible. In Chris’s
case, it’s often not easy for him to remain
calm in the face of misbehavior by his
stepchildren.
“I go out in the backyard and do my
Yosemite Sam, and then it’s OK,” Chris said.
As long as the discipline is consistent, as
long as the children understand the rules
of the household, they should be able
to take discipline from either parent.
The Couple Connection
For families struggling with the issues
of remarriage, coping with problems,
the first few years may make the future
seem bleak. Communication between the
husband and wife at all levels can serve to
keep the marriage strong, despite problems
with the children or other outside forces.
“It’s essential to communicate well,”
O’Byrne advises newly married couples.
“That will help the marriage bond and
reduce the stress you’re going through.”
He added that the couple connection is
one of the most important to maintain
and the one that gives stability to the
family.
“Remember there’s a reason you got
married in the first place,” advises Peggy.
“When the kids are all gone, it’s going to
be us who are still there.”
“Our relationship is what’s most
important,” Chris added. “That’s what we
spend the bulk of our work on.”
Linda Gilbertson is a Jacksonville-based
freelance writer.
ST. AUGUSTINE CATHOLIC • FEBRUARY/MARCH 2001 15