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New Visions of Manhood<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
The <strong>Magazine</strong> of The Men’s Resource Center for change<br />
FALL 2006<br />
a<br />
call<br />
Men<br />
<strong>to</strong><br />
Ted Bunch and Tony Porter: Imagining Manhood Without Violence<br />
INSIDE l A Father’s Empty Nest l Make Love, Not Porn<br />
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World l Female Chauvinist Pigs l A Gay Marriage S<strong>to</strong>ry
From The Edi<strong>to</strong>r<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
2<br />
A Father’s Empty Nest<br />
The Dictionary of Letting Go<br />
By Rob Okun<br />
My youngest child has<br />
left for college.<br />
That stark truth continues<br />
<strong>to</strong> reverberate.<br />
For more than two<br />
decades I’ve lived at the hub of a rollicking<br />
adventure, a world centered around<br />
children in a one-size-does-not-fit-all,<br />
vibrant, at times zany, loving family.<br />
Having children has shaped me, is an<br />
essential part of who I am. Now, with<br />
Jonah gone, I am facing a mountain of<br />
feelings as emptiness and possibility vie<br />
for my attention.<br />
For years I loved the ritual of school<br />
mornings—rousing Jonah and his siblings<br />
on those days they were slow <strong>to</strong><br />
get up. I continued <strong>to</strong> make brown<br />
bag lunches for him all through high<br />
school—not because he couldn’t make<br />
his own (he sometimes did), but because<br />
making them brought me pleasure; it<br />
was a small but significant part of my<br />
definition of fatherhood.<br />
Shouldn’t I have been more prepared<br />
for this moment? After all, three older<br />
sisters preceded Jonah out the door. But<br />
he is the youngest and we are the only<br />
males in our household. The father-sonness<br />
of the situation has only accentuated<br />
my feelings, a mixture of loss and<br />
excitement I know we’re both experiencing—even<br />
if I’m feeling more loss and he<br />
more excitement. In my head I know the<br />
emphasis will change, but right now it’s<br />
my heart I’m contending with.<br />
For many men, fatherhood is the key<br />
portal in<strong>to</strong> self-examination, an exploration<br />
of who we are and what we believe.<br />
Fatherhood raises the stakes around personal<br />
responsibility and accountability.<br />
It motivated me <strong>to</strong> begin examining my<br />
shortcomings in ways other passages<br />
have only hinted at. Along the way, I<br />
made mistakes. I wish I could go back<br />
and correct those moments when I let<br />
Jonah—and myself—down. I wish now<br />
Amy Kahn<br />
“ With Jonah off <strong>to</strong><br />
college, I am facing<br />
a mountain of feelings<br />
as emptiness<br />
and possibility vie<br />
for my attention.”<br />
Rob and his son Jonah.<br />
that I had shared some parts of myself<br />
with him sooner and gone deeper. I<br />
know I acted overprotectively at times,<br />
mistrusting his process of maturation.<br />
But the discomfort accompanying<br />
these reflections isn’t all bad. We<br />
have a lot of years before us as Jonah<br />
grows more in<strong>to</strong> manhood and I grow<br />
older standing beside him. Brushing<br />
up against this tug of loss is also a feeling<br />
of possibility: of what’s next for me<br />
as space opens up in my life, space I<br />
haven’t felt for a long time.<br />
On college move-in day, I carry load<br />
after load of Jonah’s gear up three flights<br />
of stairs (asking myself why none of my<br />
children ever got first-floor dorm rooms).<br />
I am sweaty, heart pumping, feeling alive<br />
and useful. With his permission, I put<br />
Jonah’s clothes away in the dresser and<br />
closet, a comforting, familiar act. But<br />
even as my hands, out of years of habit,<br />
effortlessly fold and arrange T-shirts and<br />
socks, I feel a queasiness from my heart<br />
up <strong>to</strong> my throat. My eyes tear up. Sad?<br />
Sure. Scared? You bet. Proud? That, <strong>to</strong>o.<br />
It would have been quintessentially<br />
male <strong>to</strong> have tried <strong>to</strong> ignore the feeling<br />
of freefall I was experiencing, <strong>to</strong> not pay<br />
attention <strong>to</strong> wondering what Jonah’s and<br />
my relationship would be like now. The<br />
old familiar part of my life as a father<br />
wanted things <strong>to</strong> remain as they once<br />
had been—finding a hook <strong>to</strong> hang his<br />
clock, a place for the laundry basket.<br />
But I know that cannot be and my heart<br />
aches. The rituals of father and son we<br />
long enjoyed—from playing catch <strong>to</strong><br />
making pizza—are not gone forever, but<br />
they’ll never be the same. I mourn that<br />
loss as I marvel at the young man before<br />
me, half a head taller than me, the dark<br />
stubble on his chin as clearly noticeable<br />
as the new confidence in his stride.<br />
I love my son in a way that says something<br />
<strong>to</strong> me about manhood I haven’t<br />
ever tried <strong>to</strong> explain before. It’s a gritty<br />
and tender love, a mix of feelings I’ve<br />
been experiencing with Jonah his whole<br />
life: gentleness and fierceness; humor<br />
and quiet; understanding and distance.<br />
Driving home later, I see through the<br />
tears that inexplicably feel so good running<br />
down my cheeks what a gift Jonah<br />
has given me. In bringing my last child<br />
<strong>to</strong> college I’ve picked up a few new<br />
words in the father-son dictionary of letting<br />
go, one we’ve been learning from for<br />
18 years. Under “empty nest” the citation<br />
now reads “fullness of heart.” VM<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> edi<strong>to</strong>r Rob Okun can be reached<br />
at raokun@mrcforchange.org.
Table of Contents<br />
Features<br />
A Call <strong>to</strong> Men. ...........................8<br />
By Ted Bunch and Tony Porter<br />
Violence in Sports:. .....................12<br />
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World<br />
By Tony Switzer<br />
Intimacy and Porn: . ....................14<br />
A Contradiction in Terms<br />
By Haji Shearer<br />
Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger<br />
and Change ............................15<br />
Finding the Way Through<br />
By Steve Cutting<br />
Columns & Opinion<br />
From the Edi<strong>to</strong>r. .........................2<br />
Mail Bonding. ...........................4<br />
Men @ Work. ............................5<br />
Book Review ...........................16<br />
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and<br />
the Rise of Raunch Culture, by Ariel Levy<br />
Reviewed by Aviva Okun<br />
Book Review ...........................17<br />
Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a<br />
Gay Man in the NFL, by Esera Tuaolo<br />
Reviewed by Gretchen Craig<br />
GBQ Resources .........................18<br />
OutLines ...............................19<br />
Love Makes a Marriage<br />
By Mitch Sorensen<br />
Men’s Health ...........................20<br />
Frozen Peas<br />
By Gregory Keer<br />
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22<br />
Calendar ...............................24<br />
Thank You. .............................26<br />
MRC Programs & Services. ..............27<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Edi<strong>to</strong>r – Rob Okun<br />
Managing Edi<strong>to</strong>r – Michael Burke<br />
Designer – Mary Zyskowski<br />
VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant<br />
St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed <strong>to</strong> donors and<br />
subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and<br />
distributed at select locations around New England.<br />
The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not<br />
represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or<br />
members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.<br />
Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413)<br />
253-9887, ext. 16, or go <strong>to</strong> www.mrcforchange.org and<br />
follow the links <strong>to</strong> subscribe <strong>to</strong> VOICE MALE.<br />
Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates<br />
and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16.<br />
Submissions: The edi<strong>to</strong>rs welcome letters, articles,<br />
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about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited<br />
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Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded<br />
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Edi<strong>to</strong>rs, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst,<br />
MA 01002, or e-mail <strong>to</strong> voicemale@mrcforchange.org.<br />
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F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
Cover Pho<strong>to</strong> of Ted Bunch and Tony Porter<br />
courtesy of A Call <strong>to</strong> Men.<br />
3
Mail Bonding<br />
We Want <strong>to</strong> Hear from You!<br />
Write us at:<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
MRC<br />
236 North Pleasant St.<br />
Amherst, MA 01002<br />
or Fax (413) 253-4801<br />
voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
Please include address and phone. Letters<br />
may be edited for clarity and length.<br />
Deadline for Winter issue:<br />
November 30, 2006<br />
Oregon Tale<br />
I recently came across the Spring 2006<br />
edition of your magazine while shopping<br />
for groceries at my local co-op. I was<br />
deeply moved by the articles, particularly<br />
the cover s<strong>to</strong>ry, “Why Violence Against<br />
Women Is a Men’s Issue.” I am so proud<br />
of you for taking this stand, and in general<br />
for printing such well-written, thoughtprovoking<br />
articles. Additionally, thank you<br />
for creating this forum for men <strong>to</strong> reclaim<br />
their full humanness. I will be sure <strong>to</strong> tell<br />
all of my friends about it!<br />
Carmel Aronson<br />
Salem, Ore.<br />
I try <strong>to</strong> do this on a voluntary basis outside<br />
of my already over-worked, underpaid fulltime<br />
position). I feel there would be much I<br />
would benefit from involvement in, if I lived<br />
closer <strong>to</strong> Amherst!<br />
Nigel Pizzini<br />
Men’s Coalition Advisor<br />
Indiana University<br />
Blooming<strong>to</strong>n, Ind.<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> in A Woman’s Place<br />
I just got my first issue of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> <strong>to</strong>day.<br />
Thanks for adding me <strong>to</strong> your subscriber<br />
list. I first saw a copy in the business office<br />
of A Woman’s Place and it looked worthwhile,<br />
so I asked for a subscription.<br />
A Woman’s Place is a nonprofit serving<br />
victims and survivors of domestic violence<br />
in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. We run<br />
a shelter that is for women and children<br />
only and support groups for women or<br />
children only, but all our other services are<br />
gender-neutral, including education and<br />
community outreach, helping victims file<br />
for protection orders, and civil legal representation.<br />
Our website (currently being<br />
updated) is www.awomansplace.org.<br />
As for others who may be interested<br />
in the magazine, I’ll definitely send them<br />
along <strong>to</strong> you as they come <strong>to</strong> mind.<br />
Djung Tran, Esq.<br />
Staff At<strong>to</strong>rney<br />
A Woman’s Place Legal Assistance Program<br />
Bris<strong>to</strong>l, Pa.<br />
Dhamma Dena<br />
Insight Meditation Society<br />
of the Pioneer Valley<br />
P R E S E N T S<br />
A Day of Meditation and<br />
Contemplation for Men<br />
With Chas & Ray DiCapua<br />
Saturday Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 28<br />
9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.<br />
Suggested Donation<br />
$20-$30 (plus dana)<br />
Eastworks Building<br />
116 Pleasant St.<br />
Suite 242 (2nd floor)<br />
Easthamp<strong>to</strong>n, Mass.<br />
No pre-registration required<br />
Information: (413) 527-0388<br />
www.insightpv.org<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Men’s Work in the Heartland<br />
I am part of the Indiana Men’s Outreach<br />
Working Group. We seek <strong>to</strong> increase male<br />
involvement in domestic violence and sexual<br />
assault prevention initiatives across the<br />
state. Connecting with others involved in<br />
pro-feminist men’s work is crucial <strong>to</strong> maintaining<br />
my own energies and optimism so I<br />
sent in a subscription request for <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
and look forward <strong>to</strong> reading future editions<br />
of your magazine. It’s <strong>to</strong>o bad the distance is<br />
so great between us and the Men’s Resource<br />
Center as I feel I would gain greatly from<br />
involvement with your organization. With<br />
little <strong>to</strong> no recognition or allocation of<br />
resources from the administration of this<br />
university, trying <strong>to</strong> have an impact on the<br />
culture of masculinity on campus has been<br />
a daunting objective (more so by virtue that<br />
4
Men @ Work<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>, MRC Assemble National Advisory Board<br />
Anational advisory board has been established <strong>to</strong><br />
assist <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> and its publisher, the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change. “Members of the advisory<br />
board represent some of the most able, accomplished<br />
and articulate men engaged in promoting healthy, violence-free<br />
masculinity,” said <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> edi<strong>to</strong>r and MRC<br />
executive direc<strong>to</strong>r Rob Okun. “Their collective wisdom<br />
and their commitment <strong>to</strong> a male-positive, gay affirmative,<br />
racially inclusive, and profeminist vision of manhood has<br />
been invaluable <strong>to</strong> both our organization and magazine<br />
over the years. We are honored <strong>to</strong> hear their ideas and<br />
delighted that their help will be collectively concentrated<br />
through their membership on the advisory board.”<br />
As <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> went <strong>to</strong> press, the list included the following:<br />
Juan Carlos Areán, a key trainer<br />
and program manager with the Family<br />
Violence Prevention Fund of San Francisco<br />
and Bos<strong>to</strong>n who, for more than a<br />
decade, worked for the Men’s Resource<br />
Center for Change in a variety of capacities, including<br />
conducting trainings in Siberia, Chile and Mexico.<br />
Robert Jensen, author and professor<br />
of journalism at the University of Texas<br />
at Austin and frequent contribu<strong>to</strong>r <strong>to</strong><br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>, among whose many books<br />
are The Heart of Whiteness: Race, Racism<br />
and White Privilege and Pornography: The Production and<br />
Consumption of Inequality.<br />
Sut Jhally, founder and executive direc<strong>to</strong>r<br />
of the Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, Mass.-based<br />
Media Education Foundation, producers<br />
of important social-issue video documentaries,<br />
and professor of communications at<br />
the University of Massachusetts.<br />
Jackson Katz, founder of Men<strong>to</strong>rs in<br />
Violence Prevention and MVP Strategies<br />
of Long Beach, Calif., author of The<br />
Macho Paradox and a violence-prevention<br />
presenter who has worked with<br />
the U.S. Marines and professional sports teams (Jhally<br />
and Katz teamed up <strong>to</strong> produce the video Tough Guise).<br />
Joe Kelly, founder and president of Dads and<br />
Daughters, the Duluth, Minn.-based national<br />
organization promoting strong father-daughter connections<br />
and challenging corporate marketing campaigns<br />
that exploit or disaparage girls and women.<br />
Michael Kimmel, the Brooklyn-based scholar,<br />
author and edi<strong>to</strong>r with numerous titles <strong>to</strong> his<br />
credit including Manhood in America: A Cultural<br />
His<strong>to</strong>ry, The Gender of Desire: Essays on Masculinity<br />
and Sexuality and Against the Tide: Profeminist Men<br />
in the United States 1776–1990 (with Thomas E. Mossmiller),<br />
and a professor of sociology at SUNY–S<strong>to</strong>ny Brook.<br />
Michael Messner, chair of the sociology department<br />
at the University of Southern California<br />
in Los Angeles and author of several books<br />
including Sex, Violence & Power in Sports (with<br />
Don Sabo), Power at Play: Sports and the Problem<br />
of Masculinity and Men’s Lives (edited with Michael Kimmel).<br />
Don McPherson, former quarterback for the<br />
Philadelphia Eagles and Hous<strong>to</strong>n Oilers who<br />
after retiring from football in 1994 joined the<br />
staff of the Center for the Study of Sport<br />
in Society at Northeastern University before<br />
becoming the first executive direc<strong>to</strong>r of the Sports Leadership<br />
Institute at Adelphi University on Long Island, N.Y.<br />
Craig Norberg-Bohm, coordina<strong>to</strong>r of the Men’s<br />
Initiative for Jane Doe in Bos<strong>to</strong>n, a cutting-edge<br />
statewide effort <strong>to</strong> strengthen men’s antiviolence<br />
activities across Massachusetts, who in 1977 cofounded<br />
RAVEN in St. Louis, a center for ending<br />
men’s violence, and was formerly chair of the board of direc<strong>to</strong>rs of<br />
Emerge, a Bos<strong>to</strong>n-based center working with domestic abuse offenders.<br />
Haji Shearer, direc<strong>to</strong>r of the Fatherhood Initiative<br />
at the Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund<br />
in Bos<strong>to</strong>n, and a frequent contribu<strong>to</strong>r <strong>to</strong> <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
who founded the fathers, program at Bos<strong>to</strong>n’s<br />
Family Nurturing Center serving men in urban<br />
communities and who, in presentations, addresses father involvement,<br />
male intimacy and co-parenting and facilitates men’s healing<br />
circles, boys-<strong>to</strong>-men rites of passage and couples workshops.<br />
To learn about advisory board members, visit our website, mrcforchange.org.<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
5
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Men @ Work<br />
Men @ Work continued from page 5 Zegree, says police respond <strong>to</strong> 51,000<br />
domestic violence calls every year in<br />
Ads Ask Abusive Men <strong>to</strong><br />
Get a “Checkup”<br />
Two Seattle newspapers—the Seattle<br />
Times and The Stranger—and Seattle<br />
Metro buses will soon feature ads asking<br />
men with abusive behaviors <strong>to</strong> call for a<br />
“Men’s Domestic Violence Checkup.”<br />
The program, funded by a grant from<br />
the National Institute on Drug Abuse, is<br />
the first of its kind, in which men can call<br />
anonymously and confidentially and talk<br />
<strong>to</strong> clinical workers from the University<br />
of Washing<strong>to</strong>n School of Social Work.<br />
Although the workers will offer counseling<br />
confidentially, they are still bound by state<br />
laws requiring them <strong>to</strong> report child abuse.<br />
The ads appearing in local newspapers<br />
will target men by using powerful images<br />
of victims of abuse and carrying messages<br />
such as “Abusing your family? Abusing<br />
alcohol or drugs? Not sure?” They conclude<br />
with the message: “Let’s talk about your<br />
options. 1.800.MEN.1089.”<br />
The co-direc<strong>to</strong>r of the program, Joan<br />
Washing<strong>to</strong>n State, and five times a month,<br />
someone dies as a result of domestic abuse.<br />
“We thought that it would be important <strong>to</strong><br />
find a way <strong>to</strong> reach out <strong>to</strong> men who don’t<br />
know where <strong>to</strong> turn,” Zegree says, “who<br />
can do it confidentially, they can do it all by<br />
phone and it’s free. What could be easier?”<br />
The telephone number is 1-800-MEN-<br />
1089 and will be in operation Monday<br />
through Thursday from 9:30 a.m. <strong>to</strong><br />
8 p.m. and Friday from 9 a.m. <strong>to</strong> 6 p.m.<br />
The program will last at least one year.<br />
For more information, visit www.menscheckup.org.<br />
No Holds Barred: Pro Wrestling<br />
and Dating Teens<br />
Watching professional wrestling on TV<br />
may encourage aggressive behavior<br />
in teens when they date—even among girls.<br />
Those are the conclusions of a new study by<br />
Wake Forest University researchers, who<br />
reported their findings in the August issue<br />
of the journal Pediatrics.<br />
Wildpeace<br />
Not the peace of a cease-fire<br />
not even the vision of the wolf and the lamb,<br />
but rather<br />
as in the heart when the excitement is over<br />
and you can talk only about a great weariness.<br />
I know that I know how <strong>to</strong> kill, that makes me an adult.<br />
And my son plays with a <strong>to</strong>y gun that knows<br />
how <strong>to</strong> open and close its eyes and say Mama.<br />
A peace<br />
without the big noise of beating swords in<strong>to</strong> ploughshares,<br />
without words, without<br />
the thud of the heavy rubber stamp: let it be<br />
light, floating, like lazy white foam.<br />
A little rest for the wounds—who speaks of healing?<br />
(And the howl of the orphans is passed from one generation<br />
<strong>to</strong> the next, as in a relay race:<br />
the ba<strong>to</strong>n never falls.)<br />
Let it come<br />
like wildflowers,<br />
suddenly, because the field<br />
must have it: wildpeace.<br />
~ Yehuda Amichai ~<br />
(Translation by Chana Bloch, in This Same Sky, ed. by Naomi Shihab Nye)<br />
World Wrestling Entertainment Inc.<br />
“Both among male and female students,<br />
the frequency with which they watched<br />
wrestling was associated with a number of<br />
indica<strong>to</strong>rs of violence and weapon-carrying,”<br />
said lead author Robert H. DuRant,<br />
professor of pediatrics and social science<br />
and health policy at Brenner Children’s<br />
Hospital, part of Wake Forest University<br />
Baptist Medical Center.<br />
“Of particular concern was that the frequency<br />
of watching wrestling was associated<br />
with being both the perpetra<strong>to</strong>r and<br />
victim of date fighting,” DuRant said. “This<br />
association was stronger among female adolescents<br />
than among male adolescents.”<br />
Boys who watched wrestling were more<br />
likely <strong>to</strong> start fights with their dates, be a<br />
date-fight victim, and carry a gun or other<br />
weapon. They also said they drank alcohol<br />
or used drugs during their last fight,<br />
the researchers found. For girls, watching<br />
wrestling was associated with higher rates<br />
of starting a fight with a date, being a victim<br />
of a date fight, carrying a gun at school,<br />
fighting, and being injured in a fight. And<br />
like boys, these girls said they drank or used<br />
drugs during a fight, the study found.<br />
“The more children and adolescents are<br />
exposed <strong>to</strong> violence, the more likely they<br />
are <strong>to</strong> engage in violence—and media plays<br />
a part,” DuRant said.<br />
But Gary Davis, vice president of corporate<br />
communications at World Wrestling<br />
Entertainment Inc., claimed that “the<br />
researchers could not find a direct causal<br />
relationshipbetweenwatchingwrestlingand<br />
health-risk behaviors. The study ignored<br />
other fac<strong>to</strong>rs that might lead <strong>to</strong> the types of<br />
behaviors discussed in the study. Its findings,<br />
therefore, are less than conclusive.”<br />
DuRant admits that watching wrestling<br />
by itself is not the sole cause of violent<br />
behavior among teens. “It is one causal fac<strong>to</strong>r<br />
in the overall socialization of these kids.<br />
It’s another media source that has a negative<br />
effect,” he said.<br />
6
One expert thinks the new study reflects<br />
the impact of media on promoting violence<br />
among teens. “This study is consistent with<br />
hundreds of other studies on violent media<br />
and aggression,” said Brad Bushman, a<br />
professor of psychology at the University of<br />
Michigan. Bushman said teens look <strong>to</strong> the<br />
mass media for images <strong>to</strong> emulate. “They<br />
look <strong>to</strong> the mass media <strong>to</strong> decide what<br />
a real man is like or what a real woman<br />
is like,” Bushman said. “What they see if<br />
they look at wrestling is that real men and<br />
women solve their problems with aggression<br />
and force.”<br />
For more information, visit the American<br />
Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry’s<br />
website, aacap.org. See also Media Education<br />
Foundation’svideoWrestlingwithManhood;<br />
mediaed.org.<br />
Arizona Men Launch Domestic<br />
Violence Prevention Effort<br />
Over 50 prominent male leaders<br />
in Arizona, including University<br />
of Arizona head basketball and football<br />
coaches Lute Olson and Mike S<strong>to</strong>ops,<br />
are throwing their weight behind a new<br />
program in Tucson aimed at ending men’s<br />
violence against women.<br />
The Men’s Anti-Violence Partnership of<br />
Southern Arizona has 55 founding members,<br />
including city and county officials,<br />
police officers, Native American leaders,<br />
and local educa<strong>to</strong>rs.<br />
Introducing the partnership, Southern<br />
Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault board<br />
member Ime Archibong called the effort<br />
a “giant step forward in the prevention of<br />
sexual and domestic violence. Building on<br />
past community achievements, it engages<br />
men as part of the solution instead of blaming<br />
them for being the problem.”<br />
Coach S<strong>to</strong>ops echoed the importance of<br />
more men standing up against violence.<br />
“Guys from every walk of life commit violence<br />
against women and girls,” he said. “I’m<br />
encouraging my players <strong>to</strong> stand with me <strong>to</strong><br />
end violence against women and girls.”<br />
Tucson mayor Bob Walkup <strong>to</strong>uted his<br />
founding of the group Tucson Men Against<br />
Massachusetts Men Promote Men’s Leadership in Zambia<br />
Springfield, Mass.-based Men’s Resources International (MRI) conducted a three-day<br />
Men’s Leadership Training in Zambia in June. Former Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change staffer James Arana and former MRC executive direc<strong>to</strong>r Steven Botkin, who<br />
founded MRI, traveled <strong>to</strong> the southern African nation on behalf of MRI <strong>to</strong> offer the training.<br />
It was designed <strong>to</strong> increase awareness of gender-based violence, reproductive health,<br />
and HIV/AIDS among members of the newly formed Zambia Men’s Network. Twenty<br />
young men from Zambia, four female YWCA staff members, and one delegate from the<br />
Ebonyi Men’s Group in Nigeria attended. MRI hopes <strong>to</strong> do similar trainings in Nigeria,<br />
Rwanda, and Kenya in the future. To learn more go <strong>to</strong> www.mensresourcesinternational.<br />
org or e-mail info@mensre-sourcesinternational.org.<br />
Domestic Violence, which has been folded<br />
in<strong>to</strong> the Partnership. “The City Council and<br />
I do not <strong>to</strong>lerate violence against women,”<br />
he said. “We now have more police officers<br />
arresting perpetra<strong>to</strong>rs, investigating cases<br />
and preventing violence against women in<br />
Tucson.”<br />
Tucson police chief Richard Miranda said:<br />
“We cannot just arrest away the problem…<br />
we need <strong>to</strong> work actively <strong>to</strong> prevent these<br />
crimes.”<br />
From Kenya, Good and Bad News<br />
Anew law in Kenya may mean stricter<br />
punishments for rapists and sexual<br />
preda<strong>to</strong>rs, but it fails <strong>to</strong> criminalize marital<br />
rape and female genital mutilation, according<br />
<strong>to</strong> a report posted on the Feminist Daily<br />
News Wire, the electronic media arm of the<br />
Feminist Majority Foundation.<br />
The bill, which President Mwai Kibaki<br />
approved in mid-July, was the first legal<br />
recognition of many sex crimes, including<br />
gang rape, sexual harassment, and child<br />
trafficking. The legislation also outlaws the<br />
deliberate transmission of the HIV virus.<br />
The bill comes as a reaction <strong>to</strong> the rising<br />
number of rapes and sexual assaults committed<br />
in Kenya. While it is estimated<br />
that women are raped every half hour in<br />
Nairobi, Kenya’s capital, Kenya’s legal code<br />
on sexual crimes has not been significantly<br />
changed since 1930.<br />
One of the most contentious issues is a<br />
provision in the law that imposes the same<br />
sentence on rapists and those who falsely<br />
accuse someone of rape. This clause may<br />
“deter women from coming forward [and<br />
has] shifted the burden of proof in rape cases<br />
from the accuser <strong>to</strong> the accused,” according<br />
<strong>to</strong> a statement from the Office of the United<br />
Nations Secretary-General. Kenyan women’s<br />
rights activists are especially angered by this<br />
provision of the legislation.<br />
Many people are skeptical about how<br />
effective the new legislation will be in combating<br />
the rising incidences of rape. “For<br />
many rural women, it will take much more<br />
than a new law <strong>to</strong> change deeply entrenched<br />
traditions, where culturally, women have<br />
little power,” said Jack Nyagaya, a counselor<br />
who deals with cases of rape, according <strong>to</strong><br />
allAfrica.com. VM<br />
Steven Botkin<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
7
a<br />
call<br />
Men<br />
<strong>to</strong><br />
Tony Porter and Ted Bunch have a mission: encouraging men <strong>to</strong> work <strong>to</strong> prevent violence against women. The pair founded A Call <strong>to</strong> Men, a national<br />
organizationcommitted<strong>to</strong>endingviolenceagainstwomenbecausetheybelievemenhaveavitalroleininterruptingthecycleofviolencethatplagues<br />
families everywhere. Their organization set Charlotte, North Carolina, as the site of its 2006 conference, “A Call <strong>to</strong> Men: Becoming Part of the Solution<br />
<strong>to</strong> End Violence Against Women.” Topics included: “Men as Allies in the Movement <strong>to</strong> End Violence Against Women”; “The Man Box: Challenging the<br />
TraditionalImagesofManhood”;and “ThePoliticsofOppression,”amongajam-packedworkshopschedule.PorterandBuncharebothatworkonbooks<br />
based on their work. In the articles that follow they offer a glimpse in<strong>to</strong> the ideas that led <strong>to</strong> the creation of A Call <strong>to</strong> Men.<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Men’s Role in Ending<br />
Violence Against Women<br />
BY TED BUNCH<br />
F<br />
or many years, many dedicated<br />
people have made great efforts<br />
<strong>to</strong> end men’s violence against<br />
women. The anti-rape and sexual<br />
assault community as well<br />
as the domestic violence community have<br />
been a tremendous change agent and have<br />
made remarkable progress in the effort <strong>to</strong><br />
create safety, justice and fairness for women.<br />
Unfortunately, despite years of great effort,<br />
sacrifice and loss of life, the terror that<br />
women experience has not decreased. Men<br />
continue <strong>to</strong> get away with their violence,<br />
abuse, and intimidation, as well as their misuse<br />
of power for the purpose of controlling<br />
and dominating women. This is no reflection<br />
on those communities or any other<br />
effort for change. However, it is a reflection<br />
on men and the lack of concern that we as<br />
men have for most issues affecting women.<br />
Domestic violence, rape and sexual assault<br />
are the most devastating health issues and<br />
social problems facing our society. There<br />
is no other problem, disease or illness that<br />
claims as many victims. In almost every case<br />
the perpetra<strong>to</strong>r is a male and the victim is a<br />
female. No other crime or social ill has such<br />
a destructive effect on families, children,<br />
communities or the workplace as men’s<br />
violence against women. For this reason,<br />
if for no other, it is vital that men become<br />
involved in the effort <strong>to</strong> end men’s violence<br />
against women. Each man individually, and<br />
we as men collectively, must take a stand<br />
and own up <strong>to</strong> our responsibility <strong>to</strong> challenge<br />
other men and end the violence that<br />
we allow <strong>to</strong> be perpetrated against women<br />
in our communities.<br />
If we as men choose not <strong>to</strong> become<br />
involved in ending our violence against<br />
women it is because we choose <strong>to</strong> remain<br />
invested in maintaining our privilege and<br />
advantage. Our privileges and entitlements<br />
can only come at the expense of women.<br />
Any violence, abuse or degradation committed<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward a woman by a man supports<br />
the status of men as the dominating<br />
group while also reinforcing the oppression<br />
of women. There is no neutral position<br />
for men <strong>to</strong> take. We can either choose <strong>to</strong><br />
become part of the solution or remain part<br />
of the problem. Our remaining silent about<br />
the abuses of other men is our way of giving<br />
men who assault and abuse our permission<br />
<strong>to</strong> do so. Our silence and our permission<br />
are synonymous!<br />
Violence against women is a problem that<br />
each man must own and make a personal<br />
commitment <strong>to</strong> end. While some men are<br />
the perpetra<strong>to</strong>rs, all men are contribu<strong>to</strong>rs<br />
<strong>to</strong> the conditions that allow violence against<br />
women <strong>to</strong> exist. It will not end until we, as<br />
men, decide that it will. It begins with our<br />
challenging our own sexism, privileges and<br />
beliefs. We must take ownership of the problem<br />
in order <strong>to</strong> create positive social change.<br />
In addition <strong>to</strong> examining our views<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward women (individually and collectively)<br />
we must also challenge our views<br />
and beliefs about each other. A major<br />
obstacle will be <strong>to</strong> confront our traditional<br />
male socialization and how it limits us<br />
and boxes us in. We must get out of the<br />
socially defined roles that sexism, patriarchy<br />
and male privilege provide for us. In<br />
addition, we must end our collusion with<br />
the violence, objectification and demeaning<br />
thoughts and behaviors that we as men<br />
engage in <strong>to</strong>ward women. This will require<br />
that we address our fears and anxiety about<br />
stepping out of our defined roles and challenge<br />
the traditional images of manhood.<br />
The fear of being perceived as “soft” or<br />
“weak” is an obstacle for many men that<br />
8
s<strong>to</strong>ps them from challenging sexist attitudes<br />
and behaviors. Our conforming <strong>to</strong> traditional<br />
male socialization prohibits us from<br />
confronting the abuse and objectification<br />
of women by other men. This belief system<br />
negatively impacts men and women and<br />
the ways that we raise, educate, and socialize<br />
our boys and girls.<br />
The moment we as men decide <strong>to</strong> fully<br />
accept and own our responsibility <strong>to</strong> end<br />
violence against women we will be on the<br />
road <strong>to</strong> social change. This will require<br />
courage, integrity, accountability <strong>to</strong> women<br />
and consistency through action. Women<br />
do not need for us <strong>to</strong> “rescue” or “save”<br />
them. What is needed from men is <strong>to</strong> act<br />
in appropriate and respectful ways <strong>to</strong>ward<br />
women. If men are not violent and abusive,<br />
safety will take care of itself! Once we commit<br />
<strong>to</strong> this way of life, women will not need<br />
<strong>to</strong> worry about where they go, what they<br />
wear, or if they are safe. That will be the<br />
day when we, along with our sisters, have<br />
redefined manhood so that violence is not a<br />
part of being a man.<br />
Copyright © 2005, ACT Men Inc. All rights<br />
reserved.<br />
How “Well-Meaning Men”<br />
Can Get Involved<br />
BY TONY PORTER<br />
What is a “well-meaning man?”<br />
A well-meaning man is a man who<br />
believes women should be respected. A<br />
well-meaning man would not assault a<br />
woman. A well-meaning man believes in<br />
equality for women and women’s rights.<br />
A well-meaning man honors the women<br />
in his life. A well-meaning man, for all<br />
practical purposes, is a “good guy.”<br />
We don’t need <strong>to</strong> beat up on well-meaning<br />
men, but instead <strong>to</strong> help them—help<br />
us—understand that with all our goodness,<br />
we have still been socialized <strong>to</strong><br />
maintain a system of domination, dehumanization<br />
and oppression over women.<br />
There are three key aspects of male<br />
socialization that have created, maintained<br />
and normalized violence against<br />
women:<br />
1. Men viewing women as “less than”<br />
continued on page 10<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
9
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
A Call To Men continued from page 9<br />
2. Men treating women as property<br />
3. Men seeing women as objects<br />
All three are major contribu<strong>to</strong>rs <strong>to</strong> violence<br />
against women.<br />
As well-meaning men, we must begin<br />
<strong>to</strong> examine the ways in which male<br />
socialization fosters violence against<br />
women. We must examine the ways in<br />
which we “keep” women in marginalized<br />
roles that enforce and maintain our male<br />
dominance.<br />
As well-meaning men, we must explore<br />
and challenge the ways in which we continue<br />
<strong>to</strong> perpetuate the myth that women<br />
are the “property” of their husbands and<br />
intimate partners. One of the principal<br />
reasons that domestic violence continues<br />
<strong>to</strong> be seen in many of our communities as<br />
a “private” issue is our belief as men that<br />
“she belongs <strong>to</strong> him.” While we know it’s<br />
not true, nevertheless, that myth is deeply<br />
embedded in our socialization.<br />
As well-meaning men, we must unearth<br />
the roots of objectifying women. In a<br />
male-dominated society, an environment<br />
is created which overwhelmingly supports<br />
men’s objectification of women—from<br />
the music and entertainment industry,<br />
<strong>to</strong> corporate America, <strong>to</strong> communities<br />
of faith and the street corner. We must<br />
acknowledge, own, and struggle with the<br />
change required <strong>to</strong> end this reality.<br />
As well-meaning men, we must begin<br />
<strong>to</strong> examine the ways we separate ourselves<br />
from men who commit crimes<br />
of sexual violence and men who batter,<br />
while simultaneously giving them permission<br />
<strong>to</strong> do so. We make monsters out<br />
of them as a means of supporting our<br />
position that we are different from them.<br />
We pathologize their violence, blaming<br />
chemical dependency, mental illness,<br />
anger management, <strong>to</strong> name a few. We<br />
put a great deal of energy and resources<br />
in<strong>to</strong> “fixing bad guys.” But the “bad guys”<br />
operate in the same realm of sexism and<br />
violence as we “good guys.” The only difference<br />
between them and us is that, at a<br />
certain point, we s<strong>to</strong>p, while they cross<br />
the line in<strong>to</strong> what “well-meaning men”<br />
define as illegal. The more attention we<br />
focus on them, the more we are able <strong>to</strong><br />
maintain and strengthen our status as<br />
“good guys.” VM<br />
1.<br />
2.<br />
3.<br />
4.<br />
5.<br />
6.<br />
7.<br />
8.<br />
9.<br />
10 Things Men Can Do <strong>to</strong> End Violence Against Women<br />
Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay<br />
the foundation for all forms of violence against women.<br />
Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting<br />
men who are abusive.<br />
Recognize and s<strong>to</strong>p colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined<br />
roles, and take a stance <strong>to</strong> end violence against women.<br />
Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not <strong>to</strong> speak out against<br />
men’s violence, we are supporting it.<br />
Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in<br />
ending men’s violence against women.<br />
“Break out of the man box”—Challenge traditional images of manhood that s<strong>to</strong>p us<br />
from actively taking a stand <strong>to</strong> end violence against women.<br />
Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until<br />
men become part of the solution <strong>to</strong> end it. We must take an active role in creating a<br />
cultural and social shift that no longer <strong>to</strong>lerates violence against women.<br />
S<strong>to</strong>p blaming men’s violence on mental illness, lack of anger management skills,<br />
chemical dependency, stress, etc., which only excuses men’s violence. Violence against<br />
women is rooted in the his<strong>to</strong>ric oppression of women—sexism.<br />
S<strong>to</strong>p supporting the notion that men’s violence against women can end by providing<br />
treatment for individual men. Men’s violence against women is the outgrowth of<br />
men’s socialization.<br />
10.<br />
Accept leadership from women. Violence against women will end only when we take<br />
direction from those who understand it most, women.<br />
1.<br />
2.<br />
3.<br />
4.<br />
5.<br />
6.<br />
7.<br />
8.<br />
9.<br />
10 Cosas Que Los Hombres Pueden Hacer<br />
Admitir y entender cómo el sexismo, la dominancia masculina y el privilegio masculino<br />
asientan la fundación de <strong>to</strong>das las formas de violencia contra las mujeres.<br />
Examinar y poner a prueba nuestro sexismo individual y el rol que jugamos en apoyar<br />
a los hombres que son abusivos.<br />
Reconocer y parar de conspirar con otros hombres saliéndonos de nuestros roles<br />
socialmente definidos, y <strong>to</strong>mar una postura para eliminar la violencia contra las<br />
mujeres.<br />
Recordar que nuestro silencio ratifica. Cuando elegimos no dar nuestra opinión de la<br />
violencia masculina, la estamos apoyando.<br />
Educar y re-educar a nuestros hijos y a otros hombres jóvenes acerca de nuestra<br />
responsabilidad para terminar la violencia masculina contra las mujeres.<br />
“Liberarse de la opresión del hombre”—Lucha tradicionalmente imagenes de el<br />
estado de ser hombre de que nos para activamente emprender una posición para<br />
terminar violencia contra las mujeres.<br />
Aceptar y reconocer nuestra responsabilidad de que la violencia contra las mujeres no<br />
finalizará hasta que los hombres sean parte de la solución para eliminarla. Tenemos<br />
que <strong>to</strong>mar un rol activo para crear un cambio social y cultural que ya no <strong>to</strong>lere la<br />
violencia contra las mujeres.<br />
Parar de responsabilizar la violencia de los hombres a las enfermedades mentales, a<br />
la falta de destrezas para manejar la ira, a la dependencia química, al estrés, etc…,<br />
lo cual solamente excusa la violencia masculina. La violencia contra las mujeres está<br />
enraizada en la opresión histórica de las mujeres—el sexismo.<br />
Parar de apoyar la noción de que la violencia masculina contra las mujeres puede<br />
terminar al proveer tratamien<strong>to</strong> individual para los hombres. La violencia de los hombres<br />
contra las mujeres es el resultado de la socialización masculina.<br />
10.<br />
Aceptar liderazgo de las mujeres. La violencia en contra de las mujeres será eliminada<br />
solamente cuando <strong>to</strong>memos dirección de aquellas que lo entienden mejor, las<br />
mujeres.<br />
10
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
11
Violence in Sports<br />
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World<br />
By Tony Switzer<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
By now almost everyone with<br />
a TV has seen the image, at<br />
least once. With minutes left<br />
in extra time of the 2006<br />
World Cup Championship<br />
soccer match featuring France against<br />
Italy, French national hero and international<br />
superstar Zinedine Zidane<br />
was walking down the field during a<br />
momentary lull in the action. Marco<br />
Matterazzi strode along several paces<br />
behind. Suddenly Zidane whirled around<br />
and marched up <strong>to</strong> the Italian. Without<br />
warning he delivered a head-butt <strong>to</strong><br />
Matterazzi’s sternum. The Italian went<br />
down hard. Zidane was given a red<br />
card—ejected from his final match, having<br />
vowed <strong>to</strong> retire after the World Cup.<br />
He left the field in tears trudging past the<br />
golden World Cup trophy.<br />
The head-butt was startling and violent.<br />
Announcers and commenta<strong>to</strong>rs called it<br />
“disgraceful” and “a classless act,” and it<br />
sure looked that way. It came from out<br />
of nowhere, completely unprovoked as<br />
far as the billion or so of us watching<br />
could tell. Or was it? Could it be that<br />
Zidane was acting rationally, or at least<br />
not irrationally? Was he provoked? What<br />
constitutes provocation?<br />
In the days that followed most of<br />
the international sporting world debated<br />
why he did it. What could have caused<br />
the great Zidane <strong>to</strong> lose his composure<br />
at the last moment of his career? It was<br />
seen from replays that Matterazzi had<br />
been harassing Zidane by pulling his jersey<br />
and illegally holding him during the<br />
action right before the incident. French<br />
teammates <strong>to</strong>ld how the Italians had been<br />
jostling, holding, elbowing, and verbally<br />
insulting Zidane the entire game. It was<br />
part of the Italians’ strategy, they said, <strong>to</strong><br />
disrupt, distract, and, hopefully, provoke<br />
the French star.<br />
BAM!<br />
The infamous head-butt: French soccer star Zinedine Zidane (right) with Italy’s Marco Matterazzi.<br />
Zidane is the son of Algerian immigrants<br />
and grew up in the slums of<br />
Marseilles. His first football was played<br />
on concrete with broken glass underfoot.<br />
He is widely admired for speaking out<br />
against and taking stands against racism<br />
in football. So it was widely noted when<br />
the French group SOS Racism issued a<br />
statement the day after the game, claiming<br />
they had been <strong>to</strong>ld by “very well<br />
informed sources from within the world<br />
of football” that Matterazzi had called<br />
Zidane “a dirty terrorist.”<br />
If Zidane were reacting <strong>to</strong> a racist<br />
slander, then I could almost support his<br />
reaction. In that case, Matterazzi would<br />
have really crossed the line. In many<br />
parts of the globe, racism has a shameful<br />
presence in football among fans as well<br />
as players.<br />
But two days after the game, Zidane<br />
“ The head-butt<br />
was startling<br />
and violent, ‘a<br />
classless act,’<br />
completely unprovoked.<br />
Or was it?<br />
Could it be that<br />
Zidane was acting<br />
rationally, or at<br />
least not irrationally?<br />
What constitutes<br />
provocation?”<br />
himself spoke. Apparently, it wasn’t a racist<br />
taunt that he had reacted <strong>to</strong>. Without<br />
being specific, he said that the Italian had<br />
insulted his mother and sister, repeatedly.<br />
Matterazzi denied it, saying, “I did<br />
not insult his mother. I would not do<br />
that.” A French newspaper hired a lip<br />
reader <strong>to</strong> examine the videotape and<br />
reported Matterazzi calling Zidane’s sister<br />
“a whore.”<br />
Is that justification enough? It makes<br />
sense, doesn’t it, that if someone trashes<br />
your sister, of course you have <strong>to</strong> headbutt<br />
him. Don’t you? Is there any choice<br />
<strong>to</strong> it at all?<br />
Do we accept that logic when fouryear-olds<br />
dispute a <strong>to</strong>y? Are we understanding<br />
when adults scream, curse, and<br />
drive wildly in acts of road rage? Do we<br />
accept the provocation rationale when a<br />
husband blackens his wife’s eye and says<br />
Reuters<br />
12
“she provoked me” because she 1) went<br />
out with her female friends, 2) failed<br />
<strong>to</strong> serve dinner promptly, 3) spent <strong>to</strong>o<br />
much, or 4) did something or did not do<br />
something?<br />
Should Zidane get a pass on this one?<br />
I am a soccer fan because of my 15-<br />
year-old son. He has been playing and<br />
training continually for five years already.<br />
Of course, I am proud of every goal he<br />
scores. But I am most proud of Matt for<br />
what he didn’t do.<br />
Last year during a game a boy on the<br />
other team targeted him with hard and<br />
dirty physical play—an elbow <strong>to</strong> the ribs<br />
when the ref wasn’t looking, etc. Finally,<br />
when both went for the ball, he grabbed<br />
Matt by the shoulders and slammed him<br />
<strong>to</strong> the ground. Both went down in a<br />
heap; the other boy came up screaming<br />
and <strong>to</strong>ok a swing at Matt.<br />
I report with great pride that Matt<br />
merely <strong>to</strong>ok a step backward and said not<br />
a word. The other boy was sent off with<br />
a red card. He left the field belligerent,<br />
unhappy, cursing. The game resumed.<br />
Zidane’s teammate Thierry Henry<br />
addressed Zidane’s impoverished youth,<br />
saying, “You can take the man out of the<br />
rough neighborhood, but you can’t take<br />
the rough neighborhood out of the man.”<br />
Does this explain the head-butt? For<br />
some it undoubtedly does. The French<br />
public is standing by their man. A poll<br />
less than a week later found over 60 percent<br />
forgiving Zidane and accepting his<br />
rationale.<br />
I am conflicted as I take the position<br />
of condemning Matterazzi for his apparent<br />
slanders while still finding greatest<br />
fault with the Frenchman for choosing<br />
<strong>to</strong> answer words with violence. I am vulnerable<br />
<strong>to</strong> being called a naïve white boy<br />
who has only seen rough neighborhoods<br />
in the movies (mostly true). I don’t have<br />
Zidane’s experience or the experience<br />
of millions of men in this country of<br />
poverty, gangs, racism, and violence.<br />
I don’t have the same understanding<br />
about responding <strong>to</strong> racial and family<br />
and class insults (other than being called<br />
“trailer trash”).<br />
Still, I have come <strong>to</strong> the understanding<br />
that violence leads <strong>to</strong> more violence and<br />
initiating violence particularly pollutes<br />
our social environment. How would I<br />
react <strong>to</strong> deliberate, repeated provocation<br />
such as Zidane endured? Or worse?<br />
To be truthful, I don’t know for sure.<br />
I have <strong>to</strong> hearken back <strong>to</strong> the words<br />
of a man I met in Nicaragua. We were<br />
both there in the late 1980s living with<br />
villagers in the war zone and serving<br />
as witnesses <strong>to</strong> the military assault of<br />
the U.S.-funded “contra” guerilla army.<br />
Rick had been wounded three times in<br />
Vietnam, including getting his leg blown<br />
off. He endured years of depression,<br />
nightmares, alcoholism, and flashbacks.<br />
By the time I met him 20 years after<br />
that war, he had determined that he must<br />
renounce verbal, emotional, and physical<br />
violence in his own life, forever. He<br />
<strong>to</strong>ld me he knew that the violence and<br />
atrocities he had witnessed were not the<br />
way forward. He said, “If it meant dying,<br />
then I would rather that than propagate a<br />
system that has been so unsuccessful.”<br />
Rick’s words have haunted and inspired<br />
me for years. I have not traveled as rough<br />
a road as he, but I have come <strong>to</strong> similar<br />
conclusions. Violence will s<strong>to</strong>p only<br />
when we s<strong>to</strong>p using violence <strong>to</strong> deal<br />
with our problems. And it has <strong>to</strong> start<br />
with me.<br />
And what about Zidane? Ultimately, he<br />
had a choice. Didn’t he? VM<br />
Tony Switzer works at the Texas Council on<br />
Family Violence. This article first appeared<br />
atwww.mensnonviolence.org.Commentsare<br />
welcome at tswitz@tcfv.org.<br />
You’re never far from <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>!<br />
Look for the magazine at these distribution points throughout the U.S.:<br />
California: Black Oak Books, Berkeley; Center for Women and Men,<br />
USC, Los Angeles • Colorado: Boulder Cooperative Market, Boulder;<br />
Page Two, Boulder • Florida: Goering’s Books<strong>to</strong>re, Gainesville • Illinois:<br />
New World Resource Center, Chicago • Maine: Boys <strong>to</strong> Men, Portland •<br />
(Eastern) Massachusetts: Family Violence Prevention Fund, Bos<strong>to</strong>n;<br />
Jane Doe, Bos<strong>to</strong>n; Men’s Resource Center of Central Mass., Worcester;<br />
NOMAS-Bos<strong>to</strong>n, Westford • New Hampshire: Monadnock Men’s Resource<br />
Center, Keene • New Mexico: Community Against Violence, Taos;<br />
El Refugio, Silver City; Men’s Resource Center of Northern New Mexico,<br />
Taos • North Carolina: Down<strong>to</strong>wn Books and News, Asheville • Oregon:<br />
Breaking Free, Eugene • Texas: Men’s Resource Center of South Texas,<br />
Harlingen • Vermont: Everyone’s Books, Brattleboro; Healthy Living Market,<br />
South Burling<strong>to</strong>n; Lake Champlain Men’s Resource Center, Burling<strong>to</strong>n •<br />
Washing<strong>to</strong>n: Elliot Bay Café, Seattle; Twice Sold Tales, Seattle<br />
Write <strong>to</strong> voicemale@mrcforchange.org for more information on<br />
distributing VOICE MALE in your area.<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
13
Intimacy and Porn:<br />
A Contradiction in Terms<br />
By Haji Shearer<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
W<br />
hen I met the<br />
womanwhobecame<br />
my wife, my porn<br />
collection consisted<br />
of a milk crate full of<br />
magazines. Mostly over-the-counter stuff:<br />
some Playboys, Players, Hustlers and other<br />
magazines that had articles <strong>to</strong> read when<br />
you got tired of pursuing their primary<br />
purpose. The crate also contained an<br />
assortment of hardcore magazines showing<br />
couples exploring fantasies the art direc<strong>to</strong>rs<br />
thought would keep men like me buying<br />
their product. I was a libertine and didn’t<br />
try <strong>to</strong> keep the stash a secret from my<br />
future wife. The porn was part of my sexual<br />
software, and sharing it with my real-life<br />
partner was designed <strong>to</strong> help us be on the<br />
same page. After all, I only bought images<br />
that turned me on, so it was a good way for<br />
her <strong>to</strong> get <strong>to</strong> know what I liked.<br />
Shortly after we hooked up, Jasmin<br />
perused my collection, seemingly unimpressed.<br />
She had been raised in a family<br />
far more libertine than I was and she was<br />
no stranger <strong>to</strong> pho<strong>to</strong>s of people having sex.<br />
Her lack of interest in the magazines didn’t<br />
bother me. I could enjoy them without her.<br />
I had also shown the magazines <strong>to</strong> previous<br />
girlfriends and, in my experience, women<br />
didn’t get excited about porn. I never<br />
shared my collection with male friends (I<br />
didn’t want <strong>to</strong> use a magazine after another<br />
man had <strong>to</strong>uched it), but it was clear from<br />
conversations that I wasn’t the only brother<br />
with a stash.<br />
Jasmin and I made a commitment <strong>to</strong><br />
each other and started down intimacy road,<br />
removing one mask after another as we<br />
went. Soon enough, she disclosed that she<br />
had been sexually molested as a child. Not<br />
long after that, she indicted my porn collection<br />
as a contribu<strong>to</strong>r <strong>to</strong> the sexual exploitation<br />
of women and girls that resulted in her<br />
own sexual abuse. Because she had been<br />
pho<strong>to</strong>graphed as part of her abuse, her<br />
sensitivity <strong>to</strong> porn was especially high. I<br />
was blindsided by the idea that these legally<br />
purchased pho<strong>to</strong>s could be a fac<strong>to</strong>r in the<br />
immoral, criminal cruelty endured by her<br />
and other abuse victims. I wasn’t, however,<br />
in a good position <strong>to</strong> argue with her feelings<br />
about being sexually molested.<br />
So, for the first time, I chose <strong>to</strong> address<br />
the ethical issues of porn. I imagined the<br />
models’ life s<strong>to</strong>ries beyond the art direc<strong>to</strong>rs’<br />
fantasies. I wondered how many of them<br />
had been sexually victimized as children<br />
and questioned what the real-life women<br />
thought about the scenes they acted out. I<br />
came <strong>to</strong> the conclusion that most economically<br />
secure, self-respecting women would<br />
choose another career, and that by using<br />
porn I was playing in<strong>to</strong> the subjugation<br />
of an underclass. This assessment led me<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>to</strong>ss my collection with little remorse.<br />
Jasmin was pleased by my decision, but<br />
didn’t make a big deal about it as she probably<br />
would have if I had stubbornly held<br />
on <strong>to</strong> my right <strong>to</strong> keep it. Discarding the<br />
collection was, no doubt, one small piece<br />
of the long, intense, and largely successful<br />
healing of her sexual abuse trauma.<br />
Since making that heroic decision <strong>to</strong><br />
upgrade my sexual software, I have dabbled<br />
with porn from time <strong>to</strong> time. When Jasmin<br />
and I met, I was in a Luddite phase and<br />
didn’t own a TV, much less a VCR, so my<br />
porn viewing was limited <strong>to</strong> magazines.<br />
After each addition of TV, VCR, 56K, and<br />
finally high-speed Internet <strong>to</strong> our media<br />
reper<strong>to</strong>ire, I explored the new delivery<br />
system <strong>to</strong> see if my feelings about porn had<br />
changed. The main improvement was no<br />
embarrassing trips <strong>to</strong> the magazine or video<br />
s<strong>to</strong>re. The content was as I remembered it.<br />
My wife was patient with my occasional<br />
explorations. Because we are fond of sex<br />
and because the porn industry has staked<br />
a claim, erroneously as it turns out, as a<br />
purveyor of liberated sexuality, Jasmin may<br />
have subconsciously thought she should<br />
enjoy the images more than she did.<br />
Neither of us is a prude. But, try as we<br />
might, the backs<strong>to</strong>ries of the performers<br />
bothered us and it became increasingly<br />
difficult <strong>to</strong> justify porn’s use in our happy<br />
marriage. And it wasn’t just how porn<br />
affects the women in the pho<strong>to</strong>s and films.<br />
As I continued <strong>to</strong> pursue my spiritual<br />
evolution, viewing pornography became a<br />
practice that was increasingly at odds with<br />
my own sense of integrity.<br />
About a year ago <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> published<br />
an article by one of its frequent contribu<strong>to</strong>rs,<br />
journalism professor and anti-porn<br />
activist Robert Jensen. He argued that both<br />
performers and viewers of pornography are<br />
degraded by their involvement. Personally,<br />
continued on page 22<br />
14
Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger, and Change<br />
Finding the Way Through<br />
By Steve Cutting<br />
Anger is all the rage <strong>to</strong>day. We<br />
have “road rage,” “air rage,”<br />
“supermarket rage,” even<br />
“public bathroom rage.” It<br />
sounds kind of funny, but<br />
for many people, including myself, problems<br />
with controlling rage and impulsive<br />
anger are nothing <strong>to</strong> laugh about.<br />
Unhealthy anger may be a problem for<br />
both sexes, but I’m going <strong>to</strong> focus on men’s<br />
anger, and suggest that by taking a look at<br />
what may lie behind our destructive anger,<br />
men have the potential <strong>to</strong> s<strong>to</strong>p or at least<br />
reduce undesirable behavior that causes<br />
problems in their lives. By summoning the<br />
courage <strong>to</strong> look at the shadowy aspects<br />
of ourselves, we can experience personal<br />
transformation; we can rebalance our lives<br />
and become clearer, calmer, more accepting<br />
individuals. We can become builders<br />
instead of destroyers.<br />
A recent flyer for a course in anger management<br />
offered by the Men’s Resource<br />
Center for Change in Amherst, Mass.,<br />
open <strong>to</strong> both men and women, contains<br />
this advisory: “Destructive anger can<br />
wreak havoc in a man’s life—resulting<br />
in ruined relationships, job loss, physical<br />
endangerment, health problems and<br />
trouble with the law.”<br />
How true that is. About four years ago<br />
I moved <strong>to</strong> western Massachusetts <strong>to</strong> be<br />
closer <strong>to</strong> relatives when after the birth of<br />
our child, my wife was diagnosed with<br />
a degenerative neuromuscular condition,<br />
severely limiting her physical movement.<br />
Aside from being a great personal burden<br />
<strong>to</strong> her, my wife’s illness became an issue for<br />
us when the Department of Social Services<br />
intervened out of concern that her condition<br />
might limit her ability <strong>to</strong> be an effective<br />
parent. DSS also raised concerns that I had<br />
not been emotionally supportive <strong>to</strong> my wife,<br />
that I had frequently lost my temper, and<br />
that I had behaved inappropriately, even<br />
abusively, at times during our marriage.<br />
“The first of the<br />
Four Noble Truths of<br />
Buddhism—Life is suffering—<br />
<strong>to</strong>ok on an ironic sort<br />
of attraction <strong>to</strong> me because<br />
it directly contradicted<br />
everything I had been<br />
conditioned <strong>to</strong> believe.”<br />
After a long and contentious struggle,<br />
a family court interceded and concluded<br />
that our child would be better<br />
served by an In-Family Open Adoption.<br />
Fortunately, my younger brother and his<br />
wife were only <strong>to</strong>o willing <strong>to</strong> adopt our<br />
child. Presently our child is doing well<br />
in my brother’s family, with two older,<br />
previously adopted siblings who seem <strong>to</strong><br />
adore him. Because the adoption is in my<br />
family, I am fortunate <strong>to</strong> have contact and<br />
frequent visits with our child.<br />
Not so fortunate was our marriage.<br />
After the adoption, my wife and I were<br />
unable <strong>to</strong> work out our differences and<br />
have since separated and divorced.<br />
I have <strong>to</strong> say that I am truly sorry for<br />
the hurt I caused my ex-wife. She and I<br />
are at peace with our decision <strong>to</strong> separate<br />
and have accepted the decision <strong>to</strong><br />
place our child for adoption as the most<br />
appropriate choice under difficult circumstances.<br />
On the other hand, the pain<br />
of losing cus<strong>to</strong>dy of my child has given<br />
me the opportunity <strong>to</strong> reexamine choices<br />
I made in the past, both in my marriage<br />
and in other areas of life.<br />
I made choices with respect <strong>to</strong> managing<br />
stress, frustration, and not getting<br />
what I want in certain circumstances that<br />
were inappropriate. At times I chose <strong>to</strong><br />
respond <strong>to</strong> these stresses with impulsive<br />
rage and anger—which has had painful<br />
consequences and led <strong>to</strong> a period of loss<br />
and sadness in my life. Ironically, however,<br />
the experience of feeling sadness<br />
and grief over the consequences of my<br />
own behavior has been a necessary step<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward understanding and changing it.<br />
After losing the right <strong>to</strong> be my child’s<br />
parent, I was already suffering from selfdoubt<br />
and a fairly serious depression.<br />
After my wife moved out, even though<br />
I intuitively unders<strong>to</strong>od it <strong>to</strong> be the right<br />
thing, my depression deepened. As it<br />
turned out her leaving, as painful as it<br />
was, became the beginning of a kind<br />
of catalyst for change where I gradually<br />
began <strong>to</strong> perceive things differently.<br />
Although it wasn’t by choice, for the<br />
first time in a number of years I began<br />
<strong>to</strong> spend a great deal more time alone,<br />
providing an opportunity <strong>to</strong> reflect on the<br />
repercussions of choices I had made. This<br />
time became a kind of vehicle for change<br />
and helped shift my focus inward <strong>to</strong>ward<br />
the source of my own personal turmoil<br />
and angst, rather than outward <strong>to</strong>ward<br />
blaming external circumstances.<br />
As a way of dealing with anger I began<br />
<strong>to</strong> pay more attention <strong>to</strong> Buddhism,<br />
which I had been aware of, but never<br />
seriously looked at. The first of the Four<br />
Noble Truths of Buddhism—Life is suffering—<strong>to</strong>ok<br />
on an ironic sort of attraction<br />
<strong>to</strong> me because it directly contradicted<br />
everything I had been conditioned <strong>to</strong><br />
believe. The Buddhist principle of the<br />
impermanence of all things helped me<br />
understand my experience and provided<br />
some relief from the deep changes and<br />
personal losses I had endured.<br />
continued on page 23<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
15
Girls Gone Wild<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Book Review<br />
By Aviva Okun<br />
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and<br />
the Rise of Raunch Culture<br />
by Ariel Levy<br />
New York: Pocket Books (paper),<br />
2006. 240 pp.<br />
Ariel Levy’s book Female<br />
Chauvinist Pigs compels us<br />
<strong>to</strong> consider the origins of<br />
“raunch culture” and what<br />
women have done <strong>to</strong> perpetuate<br />
its existence. Levy questions why<br />
women <strong>to</strong>day try so hard <strong>to</strong> be “one of<br />
the guys,” and why they are so convinced<br />
that by acting like men they will achieve<br />
equality with men.<br />
Levy explores the different facets of<br />
American society that have been influenced<br />
by raunch culture through interviews<br />
with women from all walks of<br />
life—from high schoolers <strong>to</strong> middleaged<br />
women’s libbers, lesbian “bois” <strong>to</strong><br />
straight women. Through her investigative<br />
research, Levy shows us a culture that<br />
has become infused with sex as a means<br />
of currency, something <strong>to</strong> be consumed<br />
and accumulated, where women believe<br />
that they can only achieve equality with<br />
men by acting like them and by emulating<br />
stereotypical male sexual desire.<br />
“Female chauvinist pigs” view sex as a<br />
commodity and not as a means of getting<br />
in <strong>to</strong>uch with their own desires and<br />
fantasies; rather, they associate sexiness<br />
with how the mass media presents it <strong>to</strong><br />
them. They view breast augmentation<br />
and pornography as sexy, they adopt a<br />
narrow, male-influenced view of expressing<br />
sexuality and sexual desire, and they<br />
scorn women who do not strive <strong>to</strong> be<br />
like men. They have the utmost disdain<br />
for the “girly-girl”—even though this is<br />
the image of women they are supposed<br />
<strong>to</strong> take pleasure in viewing. The female<br />
chauvinist pig is a contradiction on many<br />
levels. She believes she is achieving gender<br />
equality by making a mockery of<br />
herself and other women while actually<br />
reinforcing the objectification of women.<br />
Levy does not believe that these women<br />
have much success, if any, at achieving<br />
their goals of equality and sexual freedom.<br />
In fact, Levy believes that these<br />
women are boxing themselves in by subscribing<br />
<strong>to</strong> such a narrow definition of<br />
what sexuality is and who is allowed <strong>to</strong><br />
be sexual. Many of the women she interviews<br />
even report not taking pleasure in<br />
sexual acts.<br />
In the first chapter, “Raunch Culture,”<br />
Levy demonstrates how raunch culture<br />
has evolved from a covert male society<br />
that exploited women for sexual pleasure<br />
<strong>to</strong> a national phenomenon in which<br />
women are expected <strong>to</strong> encourage this<br />
behavior and <strong>to</strong> enjoy objectifying themselves<br />
and each other.<br />
In “The Future That Never Happened,”<br />
Levy gives a summary of the women’s<br />
movement and the sexual liberation<br />
movement and how these contributed <strong>to</strong><br />
raunch culture as we view it <strong>to</strong>day. Levy<br />
suggests that the rise of female chauvinist<br />
pigs came out of a need <strong>to</strong> rebel against<br />
the feminist movement and also as a<br />
response <strong>to</strong> a culture that encourages and<br />
rewards objectification of women.<br />
Levy continually comes up against<br />
resistance from women who deny that<br />
their sexual practices are objectifying and<br />
demoralizing. Sheila Nevins, an executive<br />
for HBO, explains that she enjoys her<br />
show G-String Divas because it’s sexy and<br />
fun. She does not understand why someone<br />
would make such a big deal out of it<br />
when there are so many other injustices<br />
that women face. She feels that it is worse<br />
<strong>to</strong> be out of <strong>to</strong>uch with what’s cool than<br />
<strong>to</strong> be objectified.<br />
Levy also interviews women who have<br />
appeared in the Girls Gone Wild videos<br />
and who explain that for them, taking<br />
off their clothes and making out with<br />
each other on camera is a way <strong>to</strong> show<br />
how much they love their own bodies<br />
and how empowered they are. These<br />
women eagerly exploit themselves <strong>to</strong><br />
win the approval of men. “People watch<br />
the videos and think the girls in them<br />
are real slutty, but I’m a virgin!” says one<br />
participant. “And yeah, Girls Gone Wild<br />
is for guys <strong>to</strong> get off on, but the women<br />
are beautiful and it’s…fun! The only way<br />
I could see someone not doing this is if<br />
they were planning a career in politics.”<br />
Levy believes these women are giving<br />
men permission <strong>to</strong> view them only<br />
as objects of their pleasure and not as<br />
people with desires of their own. They<br />
are teaching each other that they can<br />
only gain social status by showing off<br />
sexually.<br />
Raunch culture and female chauvinism<br />
are becoming such a societal epidemic<br />
that even our youth are displaying symp-<br />
continued on page 26<br />
16
The Locker Room and the Closet<br />
By Gretchen Craig<br />
Maybe I should s<strong>to</strong>p<br />
going <strong>to</strong> the library. I<br />
go in innocently looking<br />
for diversionary<br />
(and sometimes educational)<br />
reading and come out weighed<br />
down by a stack of books that I couldn’t<br />
possibly get through without sacrificing<br />
other things in my life, like karaoke, or<br />
perhaps bathing. The last time I went in I<br />
came across a book that I felt some curiosity<br />
about, and thought <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> readers<br />
would be very interested in. I scooped<br />
it up, hurried back <strong>to</strong> VM headquarters<br />
(something like the Bat Cave, but a little<br />
different), and started reading. What I<br />
found was in some ways very interesting,<br />
but in some ways just disappointing.<br />
Esera Tuaolo, with the help of sportswriter<br />
John Rosengren, has written a<br />
book about his experience as a closeted<br />
gay man playing professional football.<br />
At times the book is emotionally candid,<br />
focused and insightful. As someone<br />
who has always had the luxury of having<br />
a sexual orientation that mainstream<br />
America finds acceptable, I found it truly<br />
eye-opening <strong>to</strong> read about the various<br />
fac<strong>to</strong>rs that can push an individual in<strong>to</strong><br />
a closet of fear. In Tuaolo’s case, class was<br />
an important fac<strong>to</strong>r. He stresses that football<br />
opened doors for him that he would<br />
not have had access <strong>to</strong> otherwise, and<br />
he lived in fear that coming out would<br />
mean losing football, which would in<br />
turn mean going back <strong>to</strong> a life of financial<br />
struggle. He also thrived on the praise he<br />
received from coaches and fans when he<br />
excelled at the sport. He makes it clear<br />
that, for a long time, this positive feedback<br />
was enough <strong>to</strong> offset the negative<br />
homophobic comments that surrounded<br />
him and kept him feeling isolated.<br />
In addition <strong>to</strong> explaining why he<br />
was closeted, Tuaolo is also effective in<br />
expressing the pain that he felt while<br />
Alone in the Trenches:<br />
My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL<br />
by Esera Tuaolo with John Rosengren<br />
Sourcebooks, Inc., 2006<br />
278 pages<br />
he was. He openly describes periods of<br />
alcohol abuse and moments when he<br />
had suicidal thoughts. But what was<br />
more telling for me were his reactions <strong>to</strong><br />
certain situations that arose in his life. His<br />
experience of playing in the Super Bowl,<br />
perhaps the pinnacle of an NFL player’s<br />
life, was tainted by his having <strong>to</strong> remain<br />
closeted. “I got depressed thinking that<br />
when Mitchell, my partner of three years,<br />
arrived, I couldn’t greet him openly with<br />
the affection I felt for him. I couldn’t<br />
show others my happiness at having him<br />
there with me.”<br />
Unfortunately, some of the more <strong>to</strong>uching<br />
moments in the book are bogged<br />
down by weighty descriptions of football<br />
games and practices. While I do enjoy the<br />
sport, I did not feel the need <strong>to</strong> know, for<br />
example, the details of certain plays that<br />
<strong>to</strong>ok place while Tuaolo was in college.<br />
Much like Moby-Dick, in which the whale<br />
chase sometimes plays second fiddle <strong>to</strong><br />
in-depth descriptions of whale skele<strong>to</strong>ns<br />
and blubber refinement, Tuaolo’s journey<br />
as a gay man is sometimes obscured by<br />
his vivid recollections of games gone<br />
by. At times I wondered how the book<br />
would have turned out if he had not had<br />
a sportswriter as his wingman.<br />
Another disappointment for me was<br />
that the book felt a little disorganized<br />
and unevenly paced. It’s mainly chronological—except<br />
when it isn’t. Tuaolo tells<br />
the reader about his painful encounters<br />
with sexual abuse on pages 55 (age<br />
13) and 191 (age 6). This method of<br />
revealing certain pieces of information<br />
at seemingly random places in the telling<br />
of his life made me feel like he had been<br />
withholding something. It diminished<br />
the effect that his moments of open,<br />
brutal honesty had.<br />
As an introduction <strong>to</strong> gay identity<br />
issues for sports fans who have had<br />
limited contact with openly gay people,<br />
Tuaolo’s book works. His message is one<br />
of acceptance and hope, putting in<strong>to</strong><br />
plain language the emotional <strong>to</strong>ll that<br />
living in the closet can take. However,<br />
for those looking for a more emotional<br />
or sophisticated au<strong>to</strong>biography of a closeted<br />
gay man, or for those who simply<br />
can’t take lengthy descriptions of gridiron<br />
X’s and O’s, Tuaolo’s book may not<br />
make the cut. VM<br />
Gretchen Craig is the development coordina<strong>to</strong>r<br />
for the Men’s Resource Center for<br />
Change, a quasi-avid reader, and the “jock”<br />
of her family. She is currently trying <strong>to</strong> finish<br />
three books before exploring her renewed<br />
appreciation for the game of football.<br />
Book Review<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
17
For more info or <strong>to</strong> submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us<br />
at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
GBQ Resources<br />
AIDS CARE/Hampshire County<br />
Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program,<br />
transportation, support groups and much<br />
more free of charge <strong>to</strong> people living<br />
with HIV.<br />
AIDS Project of Southern Vermont<br />
Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential<br />
HIV/AIDS services, including support,<br />
prevention counseling and volunteer<br />
opportunities. T.H.E. Men’s Program<br />
(Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex<br />
Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT.<br />
Weekly/monthly social gatherings,<br />
workshops, and volunteer opportunities.<br />
Email: eflash@sover.net<br />
Bereavement Group for Those Who<br />
Have Lost Same-Sex Partners<br />
For individuals who have lost a same-sex<br />
partner. 2nd Thursday of each month from<br />
7-9 pm at the Forastiere Funeral Home,<br />
220 Main St, E. Longmeadow, MA; year-round,<br />
walk-in group with no fee or pre-registration;<br />
bereavement newsletter also available.<br />
For more information, call (413) 733-5311.<br />
East Coast Female-<strong>to</strong>-<strong>Male</strong> Group<br />
Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616,<br />
P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer<br />
support group open <strong>to</strong> all masculine-identified,<br />
female-born persons – FTMs, transmen<br />
of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers,<br />
s<strong>to</strong>ne butches, transgendered,<br />
transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op,<br />
genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning<br />
– and our significant others, family, and<br />
allies.Meetings 2nd Sundays in<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, 3-6 p.m.<br />
Free Boyz Northamp<strong>to</strong>n<br />
Social/support meetings for people<br />
labeled female at birth who feel that’s not<br />
an accurate description of who they are.<br />
Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at<br />
Third Wave Feminist Booksellers,<br />
42 Green Street, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
Gay, Bisexual & Questioning<br />
Men’s Support Group<br />
Drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,<br />
7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center,<br />
236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA.<br />
For information: Allan Arnaboldi,<br />
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10.<br />
Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project<br />
Provides community education and direct<br />
services <strong>to</strong> gay, bisexual, and transgendered<br />
male victims and survivors of domestic<br />
violence. Business: (617) 354-6056. 24-<br />
hour crisis line provides emotional support,<br />
safety planning, crisis counseling, referrals,<br />
and emergency housing: (800) 832-1901.<br />
www.gmdvp.org; email: support@gmdvp.org<br />
Generation Q (formerly Pride Zone)<br />
A Program for GBQ youth. Open<br />
Thursdays, 4-9, for drop-in and a support<br />
group. Open Fridays, 4-9, for drop-in and<br />
pizza. Contact info: 413-582-7861<br />
Email: apangborn@communityaction.us<br />
GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates<br />
& Defenders)<br />
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders<br />
is New England’s leading legal rights<br />
organization dedicated <strong>to</strong> ending discrimination<br />
based on sexual orientation, HIV<br />
status and gender identity and expression.<br />
Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800,<br />
Bos<strong>to</strong>n, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350,<br />
Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org,<br />
www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline:<br />
(800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal<br />
Information Hotline is completely<br />
confidential.<br />
Trained volunteers work one-on-one<br />
with callers <strong>to</strong> provide legal information,<br />
support and referrals within New England.<br />
Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English<br />
and Spanish.<br />
GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight<br />
Society) GLBT Youth Group of<br />
Franklin County<br />
Meets every Wednesday evening in<br />
Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.<br />
HIV Testing Hotline<br />
AIDS Action Committee in Bos<strong>to</strong>n provides<br />
referral <strong>to</strong> anonymous, free or low-cost HIV<br />
testing/counseling sites: (800) 750-2016.<br />
For Hepatitis C information and referral:<br />
(888) 443-4372. Both lines are staffed M-F<br />
9am-9pm and often have bi- and tri-lingual<br />
staff available.<br />
Men’s Health Project<br />
Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.<br />
Education, prevention services, and counseling<br />
for men’s health issues, especially<br />
HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.<br />
Monadnock Gay Men<br />
A website that provides a social support<br />
system for gay men of Keene and the<br />
entire Monadnock Region of Southwestern<br />
NH. www.monadnockgaymen.com or email<br />
monadgay@aol.com<br />
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends<br />
of Lesbians and Gays) of Springfield/<br />
Greater Springfield<br />
Educational information and support for<br />
the parents, families, and friends of Gays,<br />
Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgendered<br />
People. Contact info: MssEnn@aol.com,<br />
Judy Nardacci, 413-243-2382 or Elizabeth<br />
Simon, 413-732-3240<br />
Safe Homes: the Bridge of<br />
Central Massachusetts<br />
Providing support and services <strong>to</strong> gay,<br />
lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via<br />
a weekly Drop-In Center, community<br />
outreach system and peer leadership<br />
program. Based in Worcester, serving<br />
all <strong>to</strong>wns in region. 4 Mann Street<br />
Worcester, Massachusetts 01602<br />
Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191<br />
Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm<br />
Email: info@thebridgecm.org<br />
SafeSpace<br />
SafeSpace provides information, support,<br />
referrals, and advocacy <strong>to</strong> lesbian, gay,<br />
bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning<br />
(LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and<br />
offers education and outreach programs<br />
in the wider community. P.O. Box 158,<br />
Burling<strong>to</strong>n, VT 05402.<br />
Phone: 1-802-863-0003;<br />
<strong>to</strong>ll-free 1-866-869-7341.<br />
Fax: 1-802-863-0004.<br />
Email: info@safespacevt.org.<br />
Website: www.safespacevt.org<br />
The S<strong>to</strong>newall Center<br />
University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian,<br />
bisexual, gay, and transgender educational<br />
resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824,<br />
www.umass.edu/s<strong>to</strong>newall.<br />
Straight Spouse Network<br />
Monthly support group meets in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For<br />
spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay,<br />
bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact:<br />
Jane Harris for support and location,<br />
(413) 625-6636; janenrosie@hotmail.com.<br />
Confidentiality is assured.<br />
The Sunshine Club<br />
Support and educational activities for transgendered<br />
persons. Info: (413) 586-5004.<br />
P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305.<br />
Email: av517@osfn.org, www.thesunshineclub.org.<br />
VT M4M.net<br />
Dedicated <strong>to</strong> promoting the overall good<br />
health of Vermont’s gay and bisexual men, as<br />
well as those who are transgender, by providing<br />
information, resources, and a calendar<br />
of events for gay, bisexual, questioning, and<br />
transgendered men. www.vtm4m.net<br />
18
Love Makes a Marriage<br />
By Mitch Sorensen<br />
On July 30, 2006, my<br />
partner of three years<br />
and I became each other’s<br />
husband at Look Park<br />
in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, Mass.<br />
Family and friends surrounded us and it<br />
was a wonderful, loving and caring expression<br />
of support from our two families<br />
and all of our mutual friends. The guest<br />
list included friends from Denver, San<br />
Francisco and Las Vegas.<br />
Like every major life decision, my decision<br />
<strong>to</strong> propose marriage was a process, not<br />
an event. When I met my future husband<br />
online, it was the furthest thing from my<br />
mind. The Goodrich decision (which led <strong>to</strong><br />
legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts) was<br />
in the courts and, being from Connecticut,<br />
I was not very focused on the issue as I felt<br />
that it had little or no impact on me.<br />
On our first date, Northamp<strong>to</strong>n’s Gay<br />
Pride March and Rally in May 2003, Allan<br />
and I marched <strong>to</strong>gether in the Pride Parade.<br />
A first for me! As so many people yelled<br />
hello <strong>to</strong> my “marching partner/date,” I<br />
knew this guy was never going <strong>to</strong> be leaving<br />
the Pioneer Valley. He was just <strong>to</strong>o connected<br />
<strong>to</strong> his community, and it became<br />
clear that if this relationship was going <strong>to</strong><br />
go anyplace, the geographical focus of it<br />
would be in the Northamp<strong>to</strong>n area where<br />
he had spent the last 30 years of his life.<br />
And so began a two-year his<strong>to</strong>ry of commuting<br />
back and forth between Hartford<br />
and Northamp<strong>to</strong>n as our relationship progressed.<br />
I had a major event coming up,<br />
my only daughter’s wedding in the Hartford<br />
area, for which I wanted <strong>to</strong> be living close by.<br />
This gave us an 18-month window before<br />
any decisions about moves had <strong>to</strong> be made.<br />
As our dating continued beyond the<br />
one-year mark, many of my local friends<br />
and work colleagues asked if Allan would<br />
be moving down or I would be moving up<br />
<strong>to</strong> Massachusetts. I indicated that eventually<br />
I thought I would be moving <strong>to</strong> the<br />
“ I wanted <strong>to</strong> be<br />
married <strong>to</strong> my partner,<br />
and the fact that he<br />
was another man was<br />
no longer a problem<br />
for me. I wanted <strong>to</strong><br />
be at that place that<br />
earlier in my life I<br />
held in high esteem.”<br />
Mitch (left) and his<br />
husband, Allan.<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n area because of his community<br />
connections, and because I really loved<br />
the quality of life there. The vast majority<br />
of my Connecticut circle responded with<br />
something like, “Oh, you’re moving <strong>to</strong><br />
Massachusetts so you can marry?” My<br />
immediate reaction <strong>to</strong> that was, “No, I’ve<br />
done that once (indicating my past marriage<br />
<strong>to</strong> my ex-wife and now friend), and<br />
it’s just not going <strong>to</strong> happen again!” I think<br />
I might have said, “No, that’s never going <strong>to</strong><br />
happen again.”<br />
Well, we all learn that on occasion we<br />
have <strong>to</strong> eat our words! And truly, they are<br />
the best words I have had <strong>to</strong> recant.<br />
As our relationship grew and matured,<br />
I fell deeply in love with this kind, caring,<br />
affectionate and gentle soul. By the time<br />
the marriage of my daughter <strong>to</strong>ok place,<br />
my house was on the market and we were<br />
looking for a home in Massachusetts. This<br />
was clearly the guy for me, and my family’s<br />
acceptance of him as my partner was unanimous.<br />
His family, similarly, welcomed me<br />
with open arms. I received numerous comments<br />
from friends and work colleagues<br />
about how much more “settled” and calm<br />
and comfortable with myself I had become<br />
in the recent months prior <strong>to</strong> our move.<br />
I actually started <strong>to</strong> come out <strong>to</strong> a great<br />
many more people—not so much with<br />
the intent of doing so, but when the conversation<br />
led us in that direction. One of<br />
my business clients who did not know<br />
I was gay asked me who the “babe” was<br />
that got me <strong>to</strong> move <strong>to</strong> Massachusetts. I<br />
turned <strong>to</strong> him and said, “It’s not a babe, it’s a<br />
guy—and by the way, I am a gay man.” He<br />
paused for a moment and said, “You know,<br />
I am one of 10 in my family and we have<br />
one of everything. It’s not a problem for<br />
me!” There have been more of those positive<br />
moments since I met my partner than<br />
I can recount, and I feel blessed because of<br />
every one of them.<br />
I share all this here, and in this manner,<br />
as it was a series of events over time<br />
that made me realize I wanted <strong>to</strong> marry<br />
my partner. He is a wonderful, caring and<br />
affectionate man committed <strong>to</strong> making our<br />
relationship work for both of us, and he is<br />
a spectacular communica<strong>to</strong>r when issues<br />
arise. I had never been in a relationship<br />
before where communication had come<br />
so freely, and I was in two very long-term<br />
relationships prior <strong>to</strong> meeting my husband.<br />
Our mutual love and respect for each other,<br />
as well as the love and caring our respective<br />
families have shown us both, helped me <strong>to</strong><br />
understand that I belonged with this man.<br />
I wanted <strong>to</strong> be married <strong>to</strong> my partner,<br />
and the fact that he was another man was<br />
no longer a problem for me. I wanted <strong>to</strong><br />
be at that place that earlier in my life I held<br />
in high esteem. While I unders<strong>to</strong>od that<br />
this marriage might be a problem for some<br />
members of my family, I also knew they had<br />
always loved me and supported me and<br />
that while they might not be as comfortable<br />
continued on page 26<br />
Outlines • Gay & Bisexual <strong>Voice</strong>s<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
19
Frozen Peas<br />
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Men‘s Health<br />
By Gregory Keer<br />
Sitting in bed with a bag of frozen<br />
peas in my lap, I was in heaven.<br />
Never mind that I was enduring<br />
a steadily pulsing pain in<br />
the middle of my body. My wife<br />
was catering <strong>to</strong> me. She served me food,<br />
allowed me <strong>to</strong> nap for much of the day,<br />
relinquished ownership of the TV remote,<br />
and gave me long looks of adoration. For<br />
the first time in eight years—since my wife<br />
got pregnant with child number one—I<br />
was the center of attention.<br />
The secret? Four little syllables. Va-sec-<strong>to</strong>-my.<br />
In my proud state of convalescence, I had<br />
grand visions. Mostly, they involved variations<br />
on the following dialogue:<br />
Wendy: “We can’t have sex <strong>to</strong>night. I<br />
might get pregnant.”<br />
Gregg: “Of course we can. I got a vasec<strong>to</strong>my!”<br />
(Insert image of me in superhero<br />
Spandex, bearing a giant VM on my chest<br />
for Vasec<strong>to</strong>my Man!)<br />
Certainly, my vasec<strong>to</strong>my would not preclude<br />
the other excuses of “I’m tired” and<br />
“Honey, the kids are playing Candy Land in<br />
the next room.” But this new state of male<br />
harmlessness would put me in the driver’s<br />
seat on all other occasions.<br />
I must admit that more readily accessible<br />
sexual activity was a motiva<strong>to</strong>r for getting<br />
snipped, though it wasn’t the only fac<strong>to</strong>r.<br />
My wife and I had reached the point of<br />
child saturation. Three boys were enough<br />
<strong>to</strong> keep us happy and busy. Also, after years<br />
of primarily relying on Wendy for the contraception,<br />
it was my turn <strong>to</strong> take over the<br />
responsibility.<br />
So, four months after Ari was born, I<br />
made a pre-op appointment for my little<br />
procedure (please don’t take the word “little”<br />
the wrong way). In Dr. Leff’s office, I<br />
felt a bit funny. It wasn’t just because the<br />
urologist was a family friend whom I had<br />
known since I was 12. It was the thought<br />
that, upon getting vasec<strong>to</strong>mized, I would<br />
no longer be able <strong>to</strong> create children. I knew<br />
“ I felt a bit funny: on getting vasec<strong>to</strong>mized, I would no<br />
longer be able <strong>to</strong> create children. I knew I would still<br />
be a man, but this was an alteration of my identity.”<br />
I would still be a man, but this was an<br />
alteration of my identity.<br />
Then, as Dr. Leff explained the procedure,<br />
I realized this was one of the most<br />
grown-up things I could do. It’s one thing<br />
<strong>to</strong> decide <strong>to</strong> have children. It’s another <strong>to</strong><br />
close the chapter on creating kids and concentrate<br />
on raising them.<br />
A week later, I found myself in the surgical<br />
chair, ready for this new chapter. Dr.<br />
Leff politely asked if I wanted <strong>to</strong> watch the<br />
procedure. I passed on the observation part<br />
(I was confident but not that confident) and<br />
opted for a verbal play-by-play.<br />
“Last chance,” the good doc<strong>to</strong>r said, as he<br />
prepared <strong>to</strong> snip.<br />
“Let’s do this,” I said, chuckling nervously<br />
in my vulnerable state.<br />
With that, he cut, cauterized, and tied off<br />
the vas deferens in less than 20 minutes. The<br />
only evidence was two small red marks.<br />
At the end, a scene from Everything You<br />
Always Wanted <strong>to</strong> Know About Sex, But Were<br />
Afraid <strong>to</strong> Ask popped in<strong>to</strong> my head, the<br />
one in which the sperm prepare for lift-off.<br />
In my sequel <strong>to</strong> this vignette, “workers”<br />
assemble for a big speech from the boss,<br />
who announces, “We’ve closed the fac<strong>to</strong>ry.”<br />
Yep, my “boys” had officially retired.<br />
Barring a $10,000 surgery that could res<strong>to</strong>re<br />
my baby-making ability, I was a new man.<br />
As Wendy drove me home, I announced,<br />
“Let’s go for lunch <strong>to</strong> celebrate.”<br />
“Will the Novocain last?” she said.<br />
“I’m fine,” I said with bravado. “I feel—<br />
oh, that’s a little sore. I need <strong>to</strong> lie down.”<br />
At home, I applied the bag of frozen<br />
peas <strong>to</strong> reduce the swelling, but the pain<br />
never rose <strong>to</strong> the serious level. Maybe it<br />
had something <strong>to</strong> do with all the wonderful<br />
service my wife provided during the<br />
day and the loving hugs of my sons, who<br />
came home later. (I decided <strong>to</strong> leave out<br />
the details of Daddy’s doc<strong>to</strong>r visit and opted<br />
for a “Daddy strained his leg” explanation.)<br />
By the next morning, I felt tender but not<br />
uncomfortable.<br />
I managed <strong>to</strong> coach my oldest son’s basketball<br />
game that morning and, aside from<br />
some ill-advised jumping up and down <strong>to</strong><br />
protest a bad referee call, you would never<br />
know I was nursing my lower ana<strong>to</strong>my.<br />
About six weeks later I was pronounced<br />
sperm free. Today, I feel no difference in my<br />
body. Mentally, I’m rather proud. I’m even<br />
part of a club of friends I never knew had<br />
had vasec<strong>to</strong>mies. As with so many other<br />
intimate details, most fellas don’t discuss<br />
getting clipped. Perhaps it’s because, physically,<br />
it isn’t as big a deal as it may have been<br />
for generations past.<br />
I’m happy <strong>to</strong> report that, while I’m no<br />
longer in the baby business, I’m ever more<br />
focused on just being Dad—and hearing a<br />
few extra “yeses” from my wife.<br />
Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, educa<strong>to</strong>r,<br />
and on-air expert on fatherhood. His<br />
Family Man ® column appears in such publications<br />
as L.A. Parent, Bay Area Parent,<br />
and Bos<strong>to</strong>n Parents’ Paper. In addition <strong>to</strong><br />
writing for Parenting magazine and the<br />
Parents’ Choice Foundation, Keer publishes<br />
the online fatherhood magazine familymanonline.<br />
Keer can be reached at www.<br />
familymanonline.com.<br />
20
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
21
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Men’s Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual<br />
& Questioning Men, see page 18)<br />
International Society for Men’s Health<br />
and Gender<br />
P.O. Box 144, A-1097, Vienna, Austria/ EUROPE<br />
Phone: +43 1 4096010, Fax: +43 1 4096011<br />
www.ismh.org or office@ismh.org<br />
Montreal Men Against Sexism<br />
c/o Martin Dufresne<br />
913 de Bienville<br />
Montreal, Quebec H2J 1V2 CANADA<br />
514-563-4428, 526-6576, 282-3966<br />
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)<br />
(800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step<br />
groups throughout New England.<br />
Fathers<br />
Resources<br />
Fathers with Divorce and Cus<strong>to</strong>dy Concerns<br />
Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar<br />
association lawyer referral agency. In Mass.<br />
the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some<br />
websites that may be of use <strong>to</strong> you:<br />
www.dadsdivorce.com<br />
www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com)<br />
www.deltabravo.net<br />
www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/<br />
www.divorce.com<br />
www.divorcecentral.com<br />
www.divorcehq.com<br />
www.divorcenet.com<br />
www.divorce-resource-center.com<br />
www.divorcesupport.com<br />
Collaborative Divorce<br />
www.collaborativealternatives.com<br />
www.collaborativedivorce.com<br />
www.collaborativepractice.com<br />
www.nocourtdivorce.com<br />
Dads and Daughters<br />
www.dadsanddaughters.org<br />
The Fathers Resource Center<br />
www.slowlane.com<br />
National Fatherhood Initiative<br />
www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet<br />
Internet Resources<br />
Brother Peace<br />
http://www.eurowrc.org/01.eurowrc/04.eurowrc_<br />
en/36.en_ewrc.htm<br />
EuroPRO-Fem: European Menprofemist Network<br />
www.europrofem.org or city.shelter@skynet.be or<br />
traboules@traboules.org<br />
Men Against Violence<br />
http://www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/wcpmenaga.htm<br />
Men Can S<strong>to</strong>p Rape<br />
www.mencans<strong>to</strong>prape.org<br />
Men for HAWC<br />
http://www.danverspolice.com/domviol9.htm<br />
The Men’s Bibliography<br />
A comprehensive bibliography of writing on men,<br />
masculinities, gender, and sexualities, listing over<br />
14,000 works. It’s free at:<br />
http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/<br />
Men’s Health Network<br />
http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/<br />
Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc.<br />
www.mijd.org<br />
Men’s Resource Center for Change<br />
www.mrcforchange.org<br />
Men’s Resources International<br />
www.mensresourcesinternational.org<br />
Men S<strong>to</strong>pping Violence<br />
http://www.mens<strong>to</strong>ppingviolence.org/index.php<br />
Men<strong>to</strong>rs in Violence Prevention<br />
http://www.sportinsociety.org/mvp<br />
National Men’s Resource Center<br />
www.menstuff.org<br />
National Organization for Men Against Sexism<br />
www.nomas.org;Bos<strong>to</strong>nchapterwww.nomasbos<strong>to</strong>n.org<br />
National Association of Men and Women<br />
Committed <strong>to</strong> Ending Violence Against Women<br />
www.acall<strong>to</strong>men.org<br />
100 Black Men, Inc.<br />
www.100blackmen.org<br />
White Ribbon Campaign<br />
www.whiteribbon.com; www.theribbonlady.com<br />
XY <strong>Magazine</strong><br />
www.xyonline.net<br />
Pro-feminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www.<br />
xyonline.net/links.shtml<br />
Pro-feministmen’spolitics,frequentlyaskedquestions<br />
www.xyonline.net/misc/pffaq.html<br />
Pro-feminist e-mail list (1997– ) www.xyonline.net/<br />
misc/profem.html<br />
Homophobia and masculinities among young men<br />
www.xyonline.net/misc/homophobia.html<br />
<strong>Magazine</strong>s<br />
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain)<br />
www.achillesheel.freeuk.com<br />
ROB OKUN<br />
Counseling for<br />
Men and Women,<br />
Fathers<br />
&<br />
Justice of the Peace<br />
Officiating at Weddings for Couples<br />
in Massachusetts & Beyond<br />
(413) 687-8171<br />
RAOkun@comcast.net<br />
Intimacy and Porn continued from page 14<br />
I know using porn never left me feeling particularly<br />
proud. It was more likely <strong>to</strong> bring<br />
up feelings of shame after the fact—seldom<br />
a good sign. My reflections sparked by the<br />
Jensen article inspired a revelation: Jasmin<br />
and I strive for intimacy in our relationship.<br />
Using porn hinders that. Whether alone or<br />
with my wife, viewing porn takes time and<br />
energy away from our union and squanders<br />
it on a pseudo-relationship. Even using porn<br />
as a stimulus for marital sex is problematic<br />
because porn rarely reflects healthy modes<br />
of connection. Porn is wham, bam, thank<br />
you, ma’am—at best—and not reflective of<br />
the kind of sex I really want in my own life.<br />
No surprise, I find it easier <strong>to</strong> achieve sexual<br />
pleasure and intimacy with my wife when<br />
images of models paid <strong>to</strong> perform male<br />
fantasies are not playing in my head.<br />
There have been many critiques of porn<br />
from a feminist point of view. Although<br />
they have validity, I am not playing that<br />
drum. Those of us engaged in a struggle <strong>to</strong><br />
redefine manhood for the new millennium<br />
must address the ubiqui<strong>to</strong>usness of porn<br />
and decide whether using it for sexual stimulation<br />
is leading us <strong>to</strong>ward enlightened<br />
masculinity or contributing <strong>to</strong> our being<br />
used as pawns of a corporate vision devoid<br />
of integrity. I’ve talked <strong>to</strong> many women<br />
besides my wife who are quietly disgusted<br />
by their male partners’ use of porn, but just<br />
accept it as a fact of life. Porn is like sexual<br />
crack—a quick high that feels good as long<br />
as you don’t think about it <strong>to</strong>o much. Its<br />
long-term negative consequences greatly<br />
outweigh any initial rush.<br />
I am not suggesting that porn be outlawed.<br />
I am advocating that men examine<br />
our relationship with porn more seriously.<br />
I s<strong>to</strong>pped using porn because I’m committed<br />
<strong>to</strong> being the best lover I can, and porn<br />
doesn’t support that. There is better sexual<br />
software in my own imagination, as well as<br />
in enlightened approaches <strong>to</strong> sex found in<br />
Tantra, Taoism, and every male heart. It’s<br />
ironic: throwing away that milk crate full<br />
of magazines ended up being a giant step<br />
<strong>to</strong>ward my true sexual liberation. VM<br />
Haji Shearer is a social activist who enjoys<br />
sex and who regularly writes for <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>.<br />
He lives with his wife and teenage son and<br />
daughter outside of Bos<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
22
Finding the Way Through continued from page 15<br />
Coincidentally, in one of my more<br />
desperate moments, at a relative’s house<br />
I came across the book When Things Fall<br />
Apart, a brief encapsulation of Tibetan<br />
Buddhism by American Buddhist nun<br />
Pema Chödrön. One of Chödrön’s key<br />
hypotheses is that often, only through<br />
life’s most difficult and painful experiences,<br />
if we can courageously look at them,<br />
can the process of alchemy take place<br />
that brings about insight, which leads<br />
<strong>to</strong> the wisdom <strong>to</strong> change. The essential<br />
message of the book is that by “staying”<br />
with the unease often created by life’s<br />
challenges—relationships, work, all areas<br />
of our experience—and not turning away,<br />
the fear becomes less threatening. As we<br />
sit with the unease, over time it becomes<br />
more familiar and thus less menacing<br />
<strong>to</strong> us. In Chödrön’s words we become<br />
“Spiritual Warriors,” gaining confidence<br />
and fearlessness as we move forward with<br />
anticipation and greater certainty in<strong>to</strong> the<br />
uncharted waters of our future.<br />
At the same time, I began regularly<br />
attending the MRC’s evening drop-in men’s<br />
support groups, where the <strong>to</strong>pics discussed<br />
aren’t limited <strong>to</strong> anger, and where<br />
I continue <strong>to</strong> find enormous camaraderie<br />
and support. I also began taking the anger<br />
management course I mentioned earlier,<br />
and that helped me a great deal as well.<br />
Now, when I feel symp<strong>to</strong>ms of anger coming<br />
on—increased muscle tension, shallow<br />
breathing, judgmental thoughts—I<br />
treat them as a warning signal. They<br />
become almost a road sign, directing me<br />
<strong>to</strong> turn my attention inward. This process<br />
helps unmask the negative sensations for<br />
what they truly are: misperceptions and<br />
fictions created by an overly analytical<br />
ruminating mind. As Buddhism teaches,<br />
through meditation we learn <strong>to</strong> quietly<br />
observe uncomfortable bodily sensations<br />
and unsettling thoughts by letting them<br />
pass through, and not attaching <strong>to</strong> them. I<br />
have found that these “thought s<strong>to</strong>pping”<br />
techniques, and meditation, help <strong>to</strong> better<br />
manage my anxiety and depression, as<br />
well as <strong>to</strong> curb my tendency <strong>to</strong> respond<br />
impulsively with knee-jerk explosive<br />
anger when faced with inevitable frustration<br />
and disappointment.<br />
If you suspect, as I do, that precipi<strong>to</strong>us<br />
anger may be in part caused by fear—particularly<br />
for men whose early impressions<br />
of manhood are often based on unrealistic<br />
ideals of invincible comic book character<br />
types and John Wayne–style superheroes<br />
who display dazzling feats of machismo<br />
in the face of adversity—then it follows<br />
that for men, being able <strong>to</strong> look fearlessly<br />
at their weaknesses, uncertainties, and<br />
vulnerabilities may be a key <strong>to</strong> unlocking<br />
the prison of their hurtful anger.<br />
I’ve found that truly feeling the suffering<br />
and regret that may go with accepting<br />
responsibility for the consequences<br />
of one’s destructive anger is a necessary<br />
step if the anger is <strong>to</strong> be transformed. The<br />
methods mentioned above do not offer<br />
an easy fix and change does not necessarily<br />
come about quickly, but I believe if<br />
one can muster the courage <strong>to</strong> look at the<br />
shadowy side of one’s own psyche, then<br />
the journey is worth it. Looking at these<br />
issues, painful as they are, has helped me<br />
in the struggle <strong>to</strong> control my anger and<br />
change my behavior. It’s been a difficult<br />
process at times, but through it all I have<br />
learned that with consistent effort, real<br />
personal growth is possible. VM<br />
SteveCuttingisanativeofwesternMassachusetts.<br />
His father was president of Blair, Cutting<br />
and Smith Insurance Agency in Amherst until<br />
his passing in 1969, at which point the family<br />
moved <strong>to</strong> a Bos<strong>to</strong>n suburb. Steve currently<br />
resides in Chicopee, Mass., enjoys writing and<br />
is interested in men’s issues.<br />
Robert Mazer ~ Psychotherapist<br />
For men looking <strong>to</strong> let go of patterns that don’t work<br />
and create a more purposeful, fulfilling life.<br />
Staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst<br />
Free initial consultation/flexible fees<br />
256 - 0772<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
23
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Calendar<br />
Please send all Calendar Listings<br />
for events from December 1, 2006<br />
(and beyond) <strong>to</strong>:<br />
<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Calendar<br />
voicemale@mrcforchange.org<br />
or mail <strong>to</strong>:<br />
236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002<br />
Fax (413) 253-4801<br />
Deadline for Winter issue:<br />
November 17, 2006<br />
September 17 – Nyack, NY<br />
Festival of Peace on the Hudson<br />
Join the Fellowship for Reconciliation for<br />
a fun, friendly and festive time at the organization’s<br />
national headquarters. Celebrate<br />
community and honor extraordinary peace<br />
activists. The festival will include music,<br />
dance, kids’ activities, raffles, and more.<br />
Cost: Free<br />
Location: 521 North Broadway<br />
Info: www.forusa.org, 845-358-4601<br />
September 17 – Agawam, MA<br />
Out in the Park<br />
Out in the Park presents its 10th anniversary<br />
event at Six Flags New England. A<br />
family friendly event with projected GLBT<br />
attendees of over 10,000.<br />
Cost: Tickets are $49.95 at the gates but<br />
advance discount tickets will be available.<br />
Location: Six Flags New England<br />
Info: www.outinthepark.com,<br />
www.sixflags.com/parks/newengland<br />
September 20–22 – Charlotte, NC<br />
Becoming Part of the Solution <strong>to</strong> End<br />
Violence Against Women<br />
Men and women from all communities<br />
and professions are encouraged <strong>to</strong><br />
attend this second annual conference.<br />
Sessions will include: The Man Box, Men’s<br />
Accountability, The Politics of Oppression,<br />
Building Coalitions, Networking and more.<br />
Cost: $275<br />
Location: Charlotte University Place Hil<strong>to</strong>n<br />
Info: www.acall<strong>to</strong>men.com,<br />
info@acall<strong>to</strong>men.com, 845-354-2556<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 7 – Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, MA<br />
Fourth Annual Men’s Walk <strong>to</strong> End Abuse<br />
This Walk is organized by the Men’s<br />
Resource Center for Change in observation<br />
of Domestic Violence Awareness Month <strong>to</strong><br />
raise awareness of men’s responsibility <strong>to</strong><br />
end men’s violence against women. The<br />
Walk is also a fund-raiser for the region’s<br />
domestic violence programs, including the<br />
MRC’s MOVE groups. This year’s goal is <strong>to</strong><br />
have 100 people raising $100 each <strong>to</strong> prevent<br />
domestic violence in the Pioneer Valley.<br />
Men, women and children are welcome.<br />
Cost: Free (walkers are encouraged <strong>to</strong><br />
collect pledges)<br />
Location: Unitarian Society (rally)<br />
Info: www.mrcforchange.org,<br />
gcraig@mrcforchange.org,<br />
413-253-9887 ext. 16<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 13–15 – Rhinebeck, NY<br />
Englightened Power: How Women Are<br />
Changing the Way We Live<br />
Discover how women are changing the<br />
way we live, work and think. A weekend<br />
of inspiring keynotes from speakers such<br />
as Yolanda King and Gov. Ann Richards,<br />
workshops, and a worldwide café conversation.<br />
Men and women welcome.<br />
Cost: $315<br />
Location: Rhinebeck Campus<br />
Info: www.eomega.org,<br />
registration@eomega.org, 800-944-1001<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 18–20 – San Diego, CA<br />
Women Peacemakers Conference<br />
This international conference on genderinclusive<br />
decision making for peace with<br />
justice is co-convened by the Joan B. Kroc<br />
Institute for Peace & Justice (IPJ) and the<br />
United Nations Development Fund for<br />
Women (UNIFEM). Working sessions will<br />
let delegates engage with and learn from<br />
one another and build cross-sec<strong>to</strong>r networks<br />
and alliances.<br />
Cost: (contact organizers)<br />
Location: Joan B. Kroc Institute for Peace<br />
& Justice, University of San Diego<br />
Info: www.peace.sandiego.edu,<br />
619-260-7509<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 28 – Easthamp<strong>to</strong>n, MA<br />
Day of Meditation & Contemplation<br />
for Men<br />
The day, led by Chas & Ray DiCapua, will<br />
consist of formal meditation instruction<br />
and practice, as well as an opportunity <strong>to</strong><br />
contemplate, as men, the significance of<br />
undertaking this practice. There will be a<br />
scheduled time for questions, answers<br />
and dialog.<br />
Cost: Suggested donation of $20-$30<br />
Location: Insight Meditation Center<br />
of Pioneer Valley<br />
Info: www.insightpv.org, 413-527-0388<br />
November 7–9 – near Denver, CO<br />
Elderhood: Giving and Receiving Blessings<br />
Any man over 55 who is willing <strong>to</strong> face his<br />
judgments, honor his shadows, open <strong>to</strong> the<br />
support of his lineage, take the risk of creating<br />
his own path, face his mortality, and<br />
live his life for the good of the world soul is<br />
welcome <strong>to</strong> participate.<br />
Cost: $325–$450 (sliding scale—meals and<br />
lodging included)<br />
Location: retreat near Denver<br />
Info: www.mensleadershipalliance.org,<br />
info@mensleadershipalliance.org,<br />
303-444-9066<br />
November 10–12 – Bangor, PA<br />
Making Whiteness Visible:<br />
Working Toward a Multicultural Society<br />
This is a weekend event for white folks and<br />
people of color <strong>to</strong> recognize <strong>to</strong>gether the<br />
effects of a socialization that has maintained<br />
“whiteness,” keeping separation and racism<br />
in place—and then commit <strong>to</strong> do something<br />
about it. The retreat is led by Laurie<br />
B. Lippin, Ph.D., Founder of Lippin &<br />
Associates, a coaching and<br />
consulting group.<br />
Cost: $180 per person plus $30 for a<br />
copy of Understanding Whiteness/Unraveling<br />
Racism: Tools for the Journey. Room and<br />
board: $175.<br />
Location: Kirkridge Retreat Center<br />
Info: www.kirkridge.org<br />
November 16, 7 p.m, Amherst, MA<br />
Boy I Am<br />
Western Mass. premiere of Boy I Am, a film<br />
exploring the lives of three young female<strong>to</strong>-male<br />
(FTM) transsexuals, and featuring<br />
conversations with lesbian activists some<br />
of whom are concerned with the increasing<br />
visibility of FTM people. A discussion<br />
will follow the film. Co-sponsored by the<br />
S<strong>to</strong>newall Center, Everywoman’s Center,<br />
Men’s Resource Center, UMass Women’s<br />
Studies and the East Coast Female-<strong>to</strong>-<br />
<strong>Male</strong> Group<br />
Cost: Free<br />
Location: 101 Campus Center,<br />
University of Massachusetts<br />
Info: 413-545-4824<br />
November 29–30 – Lexing<strong>to</strong>n, KY<br />
8th Ending Sexual Assault and<br />
Domestic Violence Conference<br />
This multidisciplinary conference is<br />
designed <strong>to</strong> provide continuing education<br />
<strong>to</strong> a wide variety of professionals, including<br />
mental health care providers, advocates,<br />
nurses, at<strong>to</strong>rneys, educa<strong>to</strong>rs, and law<br />
enforcement officials. Workshops will cover<br />
such areas as primary prevention strategies,<br />
working with children, and enhancing<br />
clinical skills.<br />
Cost: TBA<br />
Location: Marriott Griffin Gate Resort<br />
Info: www.kasap.org, erecktenwald@kasap.<br />
org, 502-226-2704<br />
24
Looking <strong>to</strong> Connect?<br />
Try the MRC’s Drop-in<br />
MEN’S<br />
SUPPORT<br />
GROUPS<br />
IN NORTHAMPTON<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM<br />
Council on Aging, 240 Main St.<br />
IN AMHERST<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC<br />
IN GREENFIELD<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men.<br />
Wednesdays, 7-9 PM<br />
Network Chiropractic,<br />
DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail<br />
FOR GAY, BISEXUAL &<br />
QUESTIONING MEN<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all gay, bisexual,<br />
gay-identified F-<strong>to</strong>-M trans men<br />
& men questioning orientation<br />
Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC<br />
FOR MEN WHO HAVE<br />
EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD<br />
NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE<br />
Open <strong>to</strong> all men who have<br />
experienced any form of childhood<br />
neglect and/or abuse<br />
(physical, emotional or sexual)<br />
Fridays, 7-8:45 PM, at the MRC<br />
FACILITATED BY<br />
TRAINED VOLUNTEERS<br />
FREE & CONFIDENTIAL<br />
MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER<br />
236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST<br />
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10<br />
support@mrcforchange.org<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
25
• <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Thank You!<br />
Publisher Says “Thank You!”<br />
The Men’s Resource Center for Change,<br />
publisher of <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong>, receives community<br />
support from near and far. <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> allows<br />
us a public forum in which <strong>to</strong> thank the<br />
hundreds of people who have shared our<br />
inspiration and commitment, and contributed<br />
their time, services, and money <strong>to</strong>ward a vision<br />
of personal and social transformation. We are<br />
filledwithdeepgratitudeatthegenerosityofthe<br />
individuals and businesses listed below.<br />
Community Relations/Fundraising<br />
Ben & Jerry’s, Amherst<br />
Donated Space<br />
Network Chiropractic, Greenfield<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n Council on Aging<br />
Fathers & Family Network Program<br />
Assistance<br />
Susan J. Loehn, Alice New<strong>to</strong>n, Allison<br />
Scobie-Lloyd, Haji Shearer<br />
In-Kind Donations<br />
Henion Bakery, Amherst<br />
Loose Goose Café, Amherst<br />
Interns<br />
Rob Brezinsky, Malcolm Chu, Jack Ferris<br />
MRC/<strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> Volunteers<br />
Susan Craig, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover,<br />
Henry Lappen, Joe Leslie, Bob Mazer, Aviva<br />
Okun, Tom Schuyt, Gary S<strong>to</strong>ne<br />
2006 Northamp<strong>to</strong>n Pride Rally Volunteers<br />
Frank S., James R., Joe R., Mitch<br />
Fathers & Families Field Day<br />
Volunteers: David Abrami, Allan Arnaboldi,<br />
David Boutilier, Susan Craig, Jan Eidelson,<br />
Dot LaFratta, Mark Lantz, Joe Leslie, Aviva<br />
Okun, Russ Pirkot, Sheldon Snodgrass,<br />
Mitch Sorensen<br />
Sponsors: Amherst Pediatrics, Bart’s<br />
Homemade Ice Cream, Bos<strong>to</strong>n Red Sox<br />
Foundation, Gold’s Gym – Amherst,<br />
Dr. Stephen Jefferson<br />
Other: Amherst Department of Public<br />
Works, Groff Park<br />
Special Events Planning Committee<br />
Allan Arnaboldi, Gretchen Craig, Jan<br />
Eidelson, Darren Engstrom, Mitch Sorensen<br />
As always, we extend our gratitude <strong>to</strong> the MRC<br />
BoardofDirec<strong>to</strong>rsfortheongoingguidanceand<br />
support they give <strong>to</strong> this organization and all<br />
who are a part of it. We are also grateful for all<br />
of our staff, who regularly go above and beyond<br />
the call of duty, and <strong>to</strong> our team of volunteer<br />
support group facilita<strong>to</strong>rs, who every week<br />
provide a safe space for men <strong>to</strong> come and talk<br />
about their lives.<br />
Book Review continued from page 16<br />
<strong>to</strong>ms. Levy discusses how adolescent<br />
women have been led <strong>to</strong> believe that<br />
pleasing men and boys sexually is the<br />
only way <strong>to</strong> gain status and power. They<br />
report that they don’t experience pleasure<br />
from their sexual acts but they continue<br />
<strong>to</strong> engage in them because they believe<br />
that is their only mode of upward social<br />
progression.<br />
Ariel Levy shows us the effects of living<br />
in a culture that glorifies the objectification<br />
of women and the commercialization<br />
and mainstreaming of sex. Under this<br />
system, women do not gain freedom or<br />
liberation; rather, they lose their credibility<br />
as members of society. Levy does<br />
not offer up suggestions of how <strong>to</strong> rectify<br />
this cultural phenomenon, but she does<br />
present various reasons as <strong>to</strong> why this<br />
culture has emerged. By discovering the<br />
root of the problem, perhaps solutions<br />
can be identified and society can begin<br />
the process of reeducation about what<br />
sexuality means and the different ways it<br />
can be expressed. And perhaps, through<br />
this reeducation, a culture can emerge in<br />
which women are free <strong>to</strong> express themselves<br />
sexually in whatever way makes<br />
sense <strong>to</strong> them, and in which women gain<br />
power and social acceptance through<br />
nonsexual means. VM<br />
Aviva Okun is a psychology major graduating<br />
from Goucher College in Baltimore later<br />
this year. She last wrote for <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong> as a<br />
high school junior.<br />
Conscious<br />
Communication<br />
Oc<strong>to</strong>ber 5 - November 9<br />
Amherst, MA<br />
This Conscious Communication<br />
class will help you learn <strong>to</strong> stay<br />
connected and competent in the heat of<br />
differences. Prior <strong>to</strong> the first class, individuals<br />
can come in for a free introduc<strong>to</strong>ry<br />
workshop on Thursday,<br />
September 28, from 6 <strong>to</strong> 8 pm.<br />
Cost: $180 <strong>to</strong> $230<br />
(sliding scale - includes all materials)<br />
Location: Co-Housing Common House<br />
Info: Karen Fogliatti: 978-544-3844,<br />
karenmf@mindspring.com<br />
Outlines continued from page 19<br />
as I was with the concept of gay marriage,<br />
they would be there supporting me.<br />
Now came the time <strong>to</strong> ask the big question.<br />
Would he say yes? On a crisp autumn<br />
night in Oc<strong>to</strong>ber, we made plans for a “date”<br />
in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n. After purchasing a home<br />
<strong>to</strong>gether we had spent almost all of our spare<br />
time on renovation and updating projects, so<br />
a date was something that was novel and one<br />
we both looked forward <strong>to</strong>. We started out<br />
with a nice dinner and then decided <strong>to</strong> walk<br />
around Northamp<strong>to</strong>n and s<strong>to</strong>p for drinks<br />
along the way. Our first (and last!) s<strong>to</strong>p was<br />
the lounge in the old train station. I went <strong>to</strong><br />
the bar and ordered a couple of beers while<br />
he went <strong>to</strong> find us some seating. Luckily a<br />
couple of chairs in an intimate corner opened<br />
up…and so did I. I returned with the beers,<br />
we <strong>to</strong>asted each other, and I popped the<br />
question. “I think we should marry,” I said.<br />
“Would you marry me?” The answer was a<br />
resounding yes, and the rest is his<strong>to</strong>ry.<br />
The next step was <strong>to</strong> share the news with<br />
our families. The first <strong>to</strong> hear were my partner’s<br />
daughter and her husband. They gave<br />
us each a big hug and were ecstatic for us.<br />
When we shared the news with my children<br />
they were equally excited. Out of respect for<br />
my ex-wife I shared our news with her and<br />
she was emphatic: “I love you both and I’m<br />
coming <strong>to</strong> the wedding!” We were blessed<br />
with unanimous positive responses.<br />
Our wedding day this past summer was<br />
filled with the love with which we have been<br />
showered by family and friends in and out<br />
of the gay community. Our marriage is not<br />
only a sign of our love for one another; it is<br />
also a commitment <strong>to</strong> the cause: the cause<br />
of equal rights for all GLBT people and the<br />
right <strong>to</strong> marry whom one wants <strong>to</strong> marry.<br />
This has had another positive consequence<br />
for me: my political involvement in the fight<br />
for marriage equality and the effort <strong>to</strong> preserve<br />
this right in Massachusetts. We have<br />
been afforded an important right by the<br />
courts in this great state, and we all need <strong>to</strong><br />
work <strong>to</strong> make sure that right is preserved.<br />
As a married gay man, I can tell you, the<br />
stakes are high. VM<br />
MitchSorensenistheexecutivevicepresiden<strong>to</strong>f<br />
S &SManagementServicesInc.,inBloomfield,<br />
Conn. He has two grown children. Mitch and<br />
husband Allan reside in Easthamp<strong>to</strong>n, Mass.<br />
26
Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services<br />
Administrative Staff<br />
Executive Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Rob Okun<br />
Development Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Gretchen Craig<br />
Office Manager – Allan Arnaboldi<br />
Financial Manager – Paula Chadis<br />
Moving Forward<br />
Direc<strong>to</strong>r – Sara Elinoff-Acker<br />
Intake Coordina<strong>to</strong>r/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel<br />
Partner Services Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Jan Eidelson<br />
Anger Management Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Joy Kaubin<br />
Hampden County Coordina<strong>to</strong>r – Scott Girard<br />
Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti,<br />
Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta,<br />
Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel<br />
Support Services Coordina<strong>to</strong>r –Tom Schuyt<br />
Support Group Facilita<strong>to</strong>rs – Allan Arnaboldi,<br />
Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson,<br />
Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer,<br />
Tom Schuyt, Frank Shea, Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger<br />
Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary S<strong>to</strong>ne, Claude Tellier<br />
Youth Programs Supervisor – Allan Arnaboldi<br />
Board of Direc<strong>to</strong>rs<br />
Chair – Peter Jessop<br />
Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi<br />
Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell,<br />
Tom Gardner, Yoko Ka<strong>to</strong>, Gail Kielson, Jonathan Klate,<br />
Tom Schuyt<br />
Executive Direc<strong>to</strong>r Emeritus – Steven Botkin<br />
Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst,<br />
MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801<br />
Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield,<br />
MA 01105 • 413.734.3438<br />
E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org<br />
Website: www.mrcforchange.org<br />
The mission of the Men’s Resource<br />
Center for Change is <strong>to</strong> support men,<br />
challenge men’s violence, and develop<br />
men’s leadership in ending oppression<br />
in our lives, our families, and<br />
our communities.<br />
Support Group Programs<br />
■ Open Men’s Group<br />
Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office<br />
Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on<br />
Aging, 240 Main St., Northamp<strong>to</strong>n.<br />
Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network<br />
Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).<br />
A facilitated drop-in group for men <strong>to</strong> talk<br />
about their lives and <strong>to</strong> support each other.<br />
■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood<br />
Abuse /Neglect<br />
Specifically for men who have experienced<br />
any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.<br />
Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC.<br />
■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning<br />
Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated<br />
drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning<br />
men <strong>to</strong> talk about their lives and<br />
support each other (not a discussion group).<br />
Fathering Programs<br />
■ A variety of resources are available —<br />
Fathers and Family Network programs,<br />
lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops,<br />
presentations and conferences.<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10<br />
Youth Programs<br />
■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project<br />
Amherst<br />
■ Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations<br />
and Consultations for Young Men and Youth-<br />
Serving Organizations<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.33<br />
Moving forward<br />
Anger Management, domestic violence<br />
intervention, youth violence prevention<br />
■ Anger Management<br />
Various times for 15-week groups for men,<br />
women and young men at the MRC. For more<br />
information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23<br />
■ Domestic Violence Intervention<br />
A state-certified batterer intervention prog<br />
ram serves both voluntary and courtmandated<br />
men who have been physically<br />
violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.<br />
Fee subsidies available.<br />
■ Basic Groups<br />
Groups for self-referred and court-mandated<br />
men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol,<br />
Belcher<strong>to</strong>wn, Springfield, and Greenfield.<br />
■ Follow-up<br />
Groups for men who have completed the<br />
basic program and want <strong>to</strong> continue working<br />
on these issues are available in Northamp<strong>to</strong>n,<br />
Greenfield and Amherst.<br />
■ Partner Services<br />
Free phone support, resources, referrals and<br />
weekly support groups are available for<br />
partners of men in the MOVE program.<br />
■ Prison Groups<br />
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire<br />
County Jail and House of Corrections.<br />
■ Community Education and Training<br />
Workshops and training on domestic violence<br />
and clinical issues in batterer intervention<br />
are available.<br />
■ Speakers’ Bureau<br />
Formerly abusive men who want <strong>to</strong> share<br />
their experiences with others <strong>to</strong> help prevent<br />
family violence are available <strong>to</strong> speak at<br />
schools and human service programs.<br />
■ Youth Violence Prevention<br />
Services for teenage males who have been<br />
abusive with their families, peers, or dating<br />
partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18<br />
Workshops & training<br />
■ Workshops available <strong>to</strong> colleges, schools,<br />
human service organizations, and businesses<br />
on <strong>to</strong>pics such as “Sexual Harassment<br />
Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and<br />
Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s<br />
Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,”<br />
among other <strong>to</strong>pics. Specific trainings and<br />
consultations also available.<br />
Publications<br />
■ <strong>Voice</strong> <strong>Male</strong><br />
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine<br />
includes articles, essays, reviews and resources,<br />
and services related <strong>to</strong> men and masculinity.<br />
■ Children, Lesbians and Men: Men’s Experiences<br />
as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors<br />
A 60-page manual which answers the questions<br />
men have, with first-person accounts by<br />
men and women “who have been there.”<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.16<br />
Resource & Referral Services<br />
■ Information about events, counselors,<br />
groups, local, regional and national activities,<br />
and support programs for men.<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10<br />
Speakers and Presentations<br />
■ Invite new visions of manhood in<strong>to</strong> your<br />
university, faith community, community organizations.<br />
Many <strong>to</strong>pics including: “Manhood in<br />
a Time of War”, “Fathering and Fatherhood.”<br />
Contact: (413) 253-9887 Ext. 20<br />
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •<br />
27
AnEveningwithStevenSchoenberg<br />
ACCLAIMED RECORDINGS:<br />
Pianoworks<br />
Three Days in May<br />
•••<br />
AWARD-WINNING FILM SCORES:<br />
PBS (NOVA,SesameStreet)<br />
Sundance Film Festival<br />
Celebrate improvisational<br />
pianist Steven Schoenberg’s long-awaited return <strong>to</strong><br />
the stage at a special concert <strong>to</strong> benefit the<br />
Men’s Resource Center for Change.<br />
Saturday, December 2, 8 P.M.<br />
Sweeney Concert Hall<br />
Smith College<br />
Northamp<strong>to</strong>n, Mass.<br />
•<br />
A limited number of commemorative signed posters designed by renowned artist<br />
Barry Moser will be available for purchase.<br />
The concert will be recorded.<br />
For more information, please call 413-253-9887 ext. 16 or write gcraig@mrcforchange.org.