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New Visions of Manhood
Voice Male
The Magazine of The Men’s Resource Center for change
FALL 2006
a
call
Men
to
Ted Bunch and Tony Porter: Imagining Manhood Without Violence
INSIDE l A Father’s Empty Nest l Make Love, Not Porn
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World l Female Chauvinist Pigs l A Gay Marriage Story

From The Editor
• Voice Male
2
A Father’s Empty Nest
The Dictionary of Letting Go
By Rob Okun
My youngest child has
left for college.
That stark truth continues
to reverberate.
For more than two
decades I’ve lived at the hub of a rollicking
adventure, a world centered around
children in a one-size-does-not-fit-all,
vibrant, at times zany, loving family.
Having children has shaped me, is an
essential part of who I am. Now, with
Jonah gone, I am facing a mountain of
feelings as emptiness and possibility vie
for my attention.
For years I loved the ritual of school
mornings—rousing Jonah and his siblings
on those days they were slow to
get up. I continued to make brown
bag lunches for him all through high
school—not because he couldn’t make
his own (he sometimes did), but because
making them brought me pleasure; it
was a small but significant part of my
definition of fatherhood.
Shouldn’t I have been more prepared
for this moment? After all, three older
sisters preceded Jonah out the door. But
he is the youngest and we are the only
males in our household. The father-sonness
of the situation has only accentuated
my feelings, a mixture of loss and
excitement I know we’re both experiencing—even
if I’m feeling more loss and he
more excitement. In my head I know the
emphasis will change, but right now it’s
my heart I’m contending with.
For many men, fatherhood is the key
portal into self-examination, an exploration
of who we are and what we believe.
Fatherhood raises the stakes around personal
responsibility and accountability.
It motivated me to begin examining my
shortcomings in ways other passages
have only hinted at. Along the way, I
made mistakes. I wish I could go back
and correct those moments when I let
Jonah—and myself—down. I wish now
Amy Kahn
“ With Jonah off to
college, I am facing
a mountain of feelings
as emptiness
and possibility vie
for my attention.”
Rob and his son Jonah.
that I had shared some parts of myself
with him sooner and gone deeper. I
know I acted overprotectively at times,
mistrusting his process of maturation.
But the discomfort accompanying
these reflections isn’t all bad. We
have a lot of years before us as Jonah
grows more into manhood and I grow
older standing beside him. Brushing
up against this tug of loss is also a feeling
of possibility: of what’s next for me
as space opens up in my life, space I
haven’t felt for a long time.
On college move-in day, I carry load
after load of Jonah’s gear up three flights
of stairs (asking myself why none of my
children ever got first-floor dorm rooms).
I am sweaty, heart pumping, feeling alive
and useful. With his permission, I put
Jonah’s clothes away in the dresser and
closet, a comforting, familiar act. But
even as my hands, out of years of habit,
effortlessly fold and arrange T-shirts and
socks, I feel a queasiness from my heart
up to my throat. My eyes tear up. Sad?
Sure. Scared? You bet. Proud? That, too.
It would have been quintessentially
male to have tried to ignore the feeling
of freefall I was experiencing, to not pay
attention to wondering what Jonah’s and
my relationship would be like now. The
old familiar part of my life as a father
wanted things to remain as they once
had been—finding a hook to hang his
clock, a place for the laundry basket.
But I know that cannot be and my heart
aches. The rituals of father and son we
long enjoyed—from playing catch to
making pizza—are not gone forever, but
they’ll never be the same. I mourn that
loss as I marvel at the young man before
me, half a head taller than me, the dark
stubble on his chin as clearly noticeable
as the new confidence in his stride.
I love my son in a way that says something
to me about manhood I haven’t
ever tried to explain before. It’s a gritty
and tender love, a mix of feelings I’ve
been experiencing with Jonah his whole
life: gentleness and fierceness; humor
and quiet; understanding and distance.
Driving home later, I see through the
tears that inexplicably feel so good running
down my cheeks what a gift Jonah
has given me. In bringing my last child
to college I’ve picked up a few new
words in the father-son dictionary of letting
go, one we’ve been learning from for
18 years. Under “empty nest” the citation
now reads “fullness of heart.” VM
Voice Male editor Rob Okun can be reached
at raokun@mrcforchange.org.

Table of Contents
Features
A Call to Men. ...........................8
By Ted Bunch and Tony Porter
Violence in Sports:. .....................12
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World
By Tony Switzer
Intimacy and Porn: . ....................14
A Contradiction in Terms
By Haji Shearer
Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger
and Change ............................15
Finding the Way Through
By Steve Cutting
Columns & Opinion
From the Editor. .........................2
Mail Bonding. ...........................4
Men @ Work. ............................5
Book Review ...........................16
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and
the Rise of Raunch Culture, by Ariel Levy
Reviewed by Aviva Okun
Book Review ...........................17
Alone in the Trenches: My Life as a
Gay Man in the NFL, by Esera Tuaolo
Reviewed by Gretchen Craig
GBQ Resources .........................18
OutLines ...............................19
Love Makes a Marriage
By Mitch Sorensen
Men’s Health ...........................20
Frozen Peas
By Gregory Keer
Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Calendar ...............................24
Thank You. .............................26
MRC Programs & Services. ..............27
Voice Male
Editor – Rob Okun
Managing Editor – Michael Burke
Designer – Mary Zyskowski
VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Men’s
Resource Center for Change, 236 North Pleasant
St., Amherst, MA 01002. It is mailed to donors and
subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and
distributed at select locations around New England.
The opinions expressed in VOICE MALE may not
represent the views of all staff, board, volunteers, or
members of the Men’s Resource Center for Change.
Subscriptions: For subscription information, call (413)
253-9887, ext. 16, or go to www.mrcforchange.org and
follow the links to subscribe to VOICE MALE.
Advertising: For VOICE MALE advertising rates
and deadlines, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 16.
Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles,
news items, article ideas and queries, and information
about events of interest. We encourage unsolicited
manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss.
Manuscripts sent through the mail will be responded
to and returned if accompanied by a self-addressed
stamped return envelope. Send articles and queries to
Editors, VOICE MALE, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst,
MA 01002, or e-mail to voicemale@mrcforchange.org.
Voice Male
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F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
Cover Photo of Ted Bunch and Tony Porter
courtesy of A Call to Men.
3

Mail Bonding
We Want to Hear from You!
Write us at:
Voice Male
MRC
236 North Pleasant St.
Amherst, MA 01002
or Fax (413) 253-4801
voicemale@mrcforchange.org
Please include address and phone. Letters
may be edited for clarity and length.
Deadline for Winter issue:
November 30, 2006
Oregon Tale
I recently came across the Spring 2006
edition of your magazine while shopping
for groceries at my local co-op. I was
deeply moved by the articles, particularly
the cover story, “Why Violence Against
Women Is a Men’s Issue.” I am so proud
of you for taking this stand, and in general
for printing such well-written, thoughtprovoking
articles. Additionally, thank you
for creating this forum for men to reclaim
their full humanness. I will be sure to tell
all of my friends about it!
Carmel Aronson
Salem, Ore.
I try to do this on a voluntary basis outside
of my already over-worked, underpaid fulltime
position). I feel there would be much I
would benefit from involvement in, if I lived
closer to Amherst!
Nigel Pizzini
Men’s Coalition Advisor
Indiana University
Bloomington, Ind.
Voice Male in A Woman’s Place
I just got my first issue of Voice Male today.
Thanks for adding me to your subscriber
list. I first saw a copy in the business office
of A Woman’s Place and it looked worthwhile,
so I asked for a subscription.
A Woman’s Place is a nonprofit serving
victims and survivors of domestic violence
in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. We run
a shelter that is for women and children
only and support groups for women or
children only, but all our other services are
gender-neutral, including education and
community outreach, helping victims file
for protection orders, and civil legal representation.
Our website (currently being
updated) is www.awomansplace.org.
As for others who may be interested
in the magazine, I’ll definitely send them
along to you as they come to mind.
Djung Tran, Esq.
Staff Attorney
A Woman’s Place Legal Assistance Program
Bristol, Pa.
Dhamma Dena
Insight Meditation Society
of the Pioneer Valley
P R E S E N T S
A Day of Meditation and
Contemplation for Men
With Chas & Ray DiCapua
Saturday October 28
9:30 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.
Suggested Donation
$20-$30 (plus dana)
Eastworks Building
116 Pleasant St.
Suite 242 (2nd floor)
Easthampton, Mass.
No pre-registration required
Information: (413) 527-0388
www.insightpv.org
• Voice Male
Men’s Work in the Heartland
I am part of the Indiana Men’s Outreach
Working Group. We seek to increase male
involvement in domestic violence and sexual
assault prevention initiatives across the
state. Connecting with others involved in
pro-feminist men’s work is crucial to maintaining
my own energies and optimism so I
sent in a subscription request for Voice Male
and look forward to reading future editions
of your magazine. It’s too bad the distance is
so great between us and the Men’s Resource
Center as I feel I would gain greatly from
involvement with your organization. With
little to no recognition or allocation of
resources from the administration of this
university, trying to have an impact on the
culture of masculinity on campus has been
a daunting objective (more so by virtue that
4

Men @ Work
Voice Male, MRC Assemble National Advisory Board
Anational advisory board has been established to
assist Voice Male and its publisher, the Men’s
Resource Center for Change. “Members of the advisory
board represent some of the most able, accomplished
and articulate men engaged in promoting healthy, violence-free
masculinity,” said Voice Male editor and MRC
executive director Rob Okun. “Their collective wisdom
and their commitment to a male-positive, gay affirmative,
racially inclusive, and profeminist vision of manhood has
been invaluable to both our organization and magazine
over the years. We are honored to hear their ideas and
delighted that their help will be collectively concentrated
through their membership on the advisory board.”
As Voice Male went to press, the list included the following:
Juan Carlos Areán, a key trainer
and program manager with the Family
Violence Prevention Fund of San Francisco
and Boston who, for more than a
decade, worked for the Men’s Resource
Center for Change in a variety of capacities, including
conducting trainings in Siberia, Chile and Mexico.
Robert Jensen, author and professor
of journalism at the University of Texas
at Austin and frequent contributor to
Voice Male, among whose many books
are The Heart of Whiteness: Race, Racism
and White Privilege and Pornography: The Production and
Consumption of Inequality.
Sut Jhally, founder and executive director
of the Northampton, Mass.-based
Media Education Foundation, producers
of important social-issue video documentaries,
and professor of communications at
the University of Massachusetts.
Jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in
Violence Prevention and MVP Strategies
of Long Beach, Calif., author of The
Macho Paradox and a violence-prevention
presenter who has worked with
the U.S. Marines and professional sports teams (Jhally
and Katz teamed up to produce the video Tough Guise).
Joe Kelly, founder and president of Dads and
Daughters, the Duluth, Minn.-based national
organization promoting strong father-daughter connections
and challenging corporate marketing campaigns
that exploit or disaparage girls and women.
Michael Kimmel, the Brooklyn-based scholar,
author and editor with numerous titles to his
credit including Manhood in America: A Cultural
History, The Gender of Desire: Essays on Masculinity
and Sexuality and Against the Tide: Profeminist Men
in the United States 1776–1990 (with Thomas E. Mossmiller),
and a professor of sociology at SUNY–Stony Brook.
Michael Messner, chair of the sociology department
at the University of Southern California
in Los Angeles and author of several books
including Sex, Violence & Power in Sports (with
Don Sabo), Power at Play: Sports and the Problem
of Masculinity and Men’s Lives (edited with Michael Kimmel).
Don McPherson, former quarterback for the
Philadelphia Eagles and Houston Oilers who
after retiring from football in 1994 joined the
staff of the Center for the Study of Sport
in Society at Northeastern University before
becoming the first executive director of the Sports Leadership
Institute at Adelphi University on Long Island, N.Y.
Craig Norberg-Bohm, coordinator of the Men’s
Initiative for Jane Doe in Boston, a cutting-edge
statewide effort to strengthen men’s antiviolence
activities across Massachusetts, who in 1977 cofounded
RAVEN in St. Louis, a center for ending
men’s violence, and was formerly chair of the board of directors of
Emerge, a Boston-based center working with domestic abuse offenders.
Haji Shearer, director of the Fatherhood Initiative
at the Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund
in Boston, and a frequent contributor to Voice Male
who founded the fathers, program at Boston’s
Family Nurturing Center serving men in urban
communities and who, in presentations, addresses father involvement,
male intimacy and co-parenting and facilitates men’s healing
circles, boys-to-men rites of passage and couples workshops.
To learn about advisory board members, visit our website, mrcforchange.org.
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
5

• Voice Male Men @ Work
Men @ Work continued from page 5 Zegree, says police respond to 51,000
domestic violence calls every year in
Ads Ask Abusive Men to
Get a “Checkup”
Two Seattle newspapers—the Seattle
Times and The Stranger—and Seattle
Metro buses will soon feature ads asking
men with abusive behaviors to call for a
“Men’s Domestic Violence Checkup.”
The program, funded by a grant from
the National Institute on Drug Abuse, is
the first of its kind, in which men can call
anonymously and confidentially and talk
to clinical workers from the University
of Washington School of Social Work.
Although the workers will offer counseling
confidentially, they are still bound by state
laws requiring them to report child abuse.
The ads appearing in local newspapers
will target men by using powerful images
of victims of abuse and carrying messages
such as “Abusing your family? Abusing
alcohol or drugs? Not sure?” They conclude
with the message: “Let’s talk about your
options. 1.800.MEN.1089.”
The co-director of the program, Joan
Washington State, and five times a month,
someone dies as a result of domestic abuse.
“We thought that it would be important to
find a way to reach out to men who don’t
know where to turn,” Zegree says, “who
can do it confidentially, they can do it all by
phone and it’s free. What could be easier?”
The telephone number is 1-800-MEN-
1089 and will be in operation Monday
through Thursday from 9:30 a.m. to
8 p.m. and Friday from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.
The program will last at least one year.
For more information, visit www.menscheckup.org.
No Holds Barred: Pro Wrestling
and Dating Teens
Watching professional wrestling on TV
may encourage aggressive behavior
in teens when they date—even among girls.
Those are the conclusions of a new study by
Wake Forest University researchers, who
reported their findings in the August issue
of the journal Pediatrics.
Wildpeace
Not the peace of a cease-fire
not even the vision of the wolf and the lamb,
but rather
as in the heart when the excitement is over
and you can talk only about a great weariness.
I know that I know how to kill, that makes me an adult.
And my son plays with a toy gun that knows
how to open and close its eyes and say Mama.
A peace
without the big noise of beating swords into ploughshares,
without words, without
the thud of the heavy rubber stamp: let it be
light, floating, like lazy white foam.
A little rest for the wounds—who speaks of healing?
(And the howl of the orphans is passed from one generation
to the next, as in a relay race:
the baton never falls.)
Let it come
like wildflowers,
suddenly, because the field
must have it: wildpeace.
~ Yehuda Amichai ~
(Translation by Chana Bloch, in This Same Sky, ed. by Naomi Shihab Nye)
World Wrestling Entertainment Inc.
“Both among male and female students,
the frequency with which they watched
wrestling was associated with a number of
indicators of violence and weapon-carrying,”
said lead author Robert H. DuRant,
professor of pediatrics and social science
and health policy at Brenner Children’s
Hospital, part of Wake Forest University
Baptist Medical Center.
“Of particular concern was that the frequency
of watching wrestling was associated
with being both the perpetrator and
victim of date fighting,” DuRant said. “This
association was stronger among female adolescents
than among male adolescents.”
Boys who watched wrestling were more
likely to start fights with their dates, be a
date-fight victim, and carry a gun or other
weapon. They also said they drank alcohol
or used drugs during their last fight,
the researchers found. For girls, watching
wrestling was associated with higher rates
of starting a fight with a date, being a victim
of a date fight, carrying a gun at school,
fighting, and being injured in a fight. And
like boys, these girls said they drank or used
drugs during a fight, the study found.
“The more children and adolescents are
exposed to violence, the more likely they
are to engage in violence—and media plays
a part,” DuRant said.
But Gary Davis, vice president of corporate
communications at World Wrestling
Entertainment Inc., claimed that “the
researchers could not find a direct causal
relationshipbetweenwatchingwrestlingand
health-risk behaviors. The study ignored
other factors that might lead to the types of
behaviors discussed in the study. Its findings,
therefore, are less than conclusive.”
DuRant admits that watching wrestling
by itself is not the sole cause of violent
behavior among teens. “It is one causal factor
in the overall socialization of these kids.
It’s another media source that has a negative
effect,” he said.
6

One expert thinks the new study reflects
the impact of media on promoting violence
among teens. “This study is consistent with
hundreds of other studies on violent media
and aggression,” said Brad Bushman, a
professor of psychology at the University of
Michigan. Bushman said teens look to the
mass media for images to emulate. “They
look to the mass media to decide what
a real man is like or what a real woman
is like,” Bushman said. “What they see if
they look at wrestling is that real men and
women solve their problems with aggression
and force.”
For more information, visit the American
Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry’s
website, aacap.org. See also Media Education
Foundation’svideoWrestlingwithManhood;
mediaed.org.
Arizona Men Launch Domestic
Violence Prevention Effort
Over 50 prominent male leaders
in Arizona, including University
of Arizona head basketball and football
coaches Lute Olson and Mike Stoops,
are throwing their weight behind a new
program in Tucson aimed at ending men’s
violence against women.
The Men’s Anti-Violence Partnership of
Southern Arizona has 55 founding members,
including city and county officials,
police officers, Native American leaders,
and local educators.
Introducing the partnership, Southern
Arizona Center Against Sexual Assault board
member Ime Archibong called the effort
a “giant step forward in the prevention of
sexual and domestic violence. Building on
past community achievements, it engages
men as part of the solution instead of blaming
them for being the problem.”
Coach Stoops echoed the importance of
more men standing up against violence.
“Guys from every walk of life commit violence
against women and girls,” he said. “I’m
encouraging my players to stand with me to
end violence against women and girls.”
Tucson mayor Bob Walkup touted his
founding of the group Tucson Men Against
Massachusetts Men Promote Men’s Leadership in Zambia
Springfield, Mass.-based Men’s Resources International (MRI) conducted a three-day
Men’s Leadership Training in Zambia in June. Former Men’s Resource Center for
Change staffer James Arana and former MRC executive director Steven Botkin, who
founded MRI, traveled to the southern African nation on behalf of MRI to offer the training.
It was designed to increase awareness of gender-based violence, reproductive health,
and HIV/AIDS among members of the newly formed Zambia Men’s Network. Twenty
young men from Zambia, four female YWCA staff members, and one delegate from the
Ebonyi Men’s Group in Nigeria attended. MRI hopes to do similar trainings in Nigeria,
Rwanda, and Kenya in the future. To learn more go to www.mensresourcesinternational.
org or e-mail info@mensre-sourcesinternational.org.
Domestic Violence, which has been folded
into the Partnership. “The City Council and
I do not tolerate violence against women,”
he said. “We now have more police officers
arresting perpetrators, investigating cases
and preventing violence against women in
Tucson.”
Tucson police chief Richard Miranda said:
“We cannot just arrest away the problem…
we need to work actively to prevent these
crimes.”
From Kenya, Good and Bad News
Anew law in Kenya may mean stricter
punishments for rapists and sexual
predators, but it fails to criminalize marital
rape and female genital mutilation, according
to a report posted on the Feminist Daily
News Wire, the electronic media arm of the
Feminist Majority Foundation.
The bill, which President Mwai Kibaki
approved in mid-July, was the first legal
recognition of many sex crimes, including
gang rape, sexual harassment, and child
trafficking. The legislation also outlaws the
deliberate transmission of the HIV virus.
The bill comes as a reaction to the rising
number of rapes and sexual assaults committed
in Kenya. While it is estimated
that women are raped every half hour in
Nairobi, Kenya’s capital, Kenya’s legal code
on sexual crimes has not been significantly
changed since 1930.
One of the most contentious issues is a
provision in the law that imposes the same
sentence on rapists and those who falsely
accuse someone of rape. This clause may
“deter women from coming forward [and
has] shifted the burden of proof in rape cases
from the accuser to the accused,” according
to a statement from the Office of the United
Nations Secretary-General. Kenyan women’s
rights activists are especially angered by this
provision of the legislation.
Many people are skeptical about how
effective the new legislation will be in combating
the rising incidences of rape. “For
many rural women, it will take much more
than a new law to change deeply entrenched
traditions, where culturally, women have
little power,” said Jack Nyagaya, a counselor
who deals with cases of rape, according to
allAfrica.com. VM
Steven Botkin
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
7

a
call
Men
to
Tony Porter and Ted Bunch have a mission: encouraging men to work to prevent violence against women. The pair founded A Call to Men, a national
organizationcommittedtoendingviolenceagainstwomenbecausetheybelievemenhaveavitalroleininterruptingthecycleofviolencethatplagues
families everywhere. Their organization set Charlotte, North Carolina, as the site of its 2006 conference, “A Call to Men: Becoming Part of the Solution
to End Violence Against Women.” Topics included: “Men as Allies in the Movement to End Violence Against Women”; “The Man Box: Challenging the
TraditionalImagesofManhood”;and “ThePoliticsofOppression,”amongajam-packedworkshopschedule.PorterandBuncharebothatworkonbooks
based on their work. In the articles that follow they offer a glimpse into the ideas that led to the creation of A Call to Men.
• Voice Male
Men’s Role in Ending
Violence Against Women
BY TED BUNCH
F
or many years, many dedicated
people have made great efforts
to end men’s violence against
women. The anti-rape and sexual
assault community as well
as the domestic violence community have
been a tremendous change agent and have
made remarkable progress in the effort to
create safety, justice and fairness for women.
Unfortunately, despite years of great effort,
sacrifice and loss of life, the terror that
women experience has not decreased. Men
continue to get away with their violence,
abuse, and intimidation, as well as their misuse
of power for the purpose of controlling
and dominating women. This is no reflection
on those communities or any other
effort for change. However, it is a reflection
on men and the lack of concern that we as
men have for most issues affecting women.
Domestic violence, rape and sexual assault
are the most devastating health issues and
social problems facing our society. There
is no other problem, disease or illness that
claims as many victims. In almost every case
the perpetrator is a male and the victim is a
female. No other crime or social ill has such
a destructive effect on families, children,
communities or the workplace as men’s
violence against women. For this reason,
if for no other, it is vital that men become
involved in the effort to end men’s violence
against women. Each man individually, and
we as men collectively, must take a stand
and own up to our responsibility to challenge
other men and end the violence that
we allow to be perpetrated against women
in our communities.
If we as men choose not to become
involved in ending our violence against
women it is because we choose to remain
invested in maintaining our privilege and
advantage. Our privileges and entitlements
can only come at the expense of women.
Any violence, abuse or degradation committed
toward a woman by a man supports
the status of men as the dominating
group while also reinforcing the oppression
of women. There is no neutral position
for men to take. We can either choose to
become part of the solution or remain part
of the problem. Our remaining silent about
the abuses of other men is our way of giving
men who assault and abuse our permission
to do so. Our silence and our permission
are synonymous!
Violence against women is a problem that
each man must own and make a personal
commitment to end. While some men are
the perpetrators, all men are contributors
to the conditions that allow violence against
women to exist. It will not end until we, as
men, decide that it will. It begins with our
challenging our own sexism, privileges and
beliefs. We must take ownership of the problem
in order to create positive social change.
In addition to examining our views
toward women (individually and collectively)
we must also challenge our views
and beliefs about each other. A major
obstacle will be to confront our traditional
male socialization and how it limits us
and boxes us in. We must get out of the
socially defined roles that sexism, patriarchy
and male privilege provide for us. In
addition, we must end our collusion with
the violence, objectification and demeaning
thoughts and behaviors that we as men
engage in toward women. This will require
that we address our fears and anxiety about
stepping out of our defined roles and challenge
the traditional images of manhood.
The fear of being perceived as “soft” or
“weak” is an obstacle for many men that
8

stops them from challenging sexist attitudes
and behaviors. Our conforming to traditional
male socialization prohibits us from
confronting the abuse and objectification
of women by other men. This belief system
negatively impacts men and women and
the ways that we raise, educate, and socialize
our boys and girls.
The moment we as men decide to fully
accept and own our responsibility to end
violence against women we will be on the
road to social change. This will require
courage, integrity, accountability to women
and consistency through action. Women
do not need for us to “rescue” or “save”
them. What is needed from men is to act
in appropriate and respectful ways toward
women. If men are not violent and abusive,
safety will take care of itself! Once we commit
to this way of life, women will not need
to worry about where they go, what they
wear, or if they are safe. That will be the
day when we, along with our sisters, have
redefined manhood so that violence is not a
part of being a man.
Copyright © 2005, ACT Men Inc. All rights
reserved.
How “Well-Meaning Men”
Can Get Involved
BY TONY PORTER
What is a “well-meaning man?”
A well-meaning man is a man who
believes women should be respected. A
well-meaning man would not assault a
woman. A well-meaning man believes in
equality for women and women’s rights.
A well-meaning man honors the women
in his life. A well-meaning man, for all
practical purposes, is a “good guy.”
We don’t need to beat up on well-meaning
men, but instead to help them—help
us—understand that with all our goodness,
we have still been socialized to
maintain a system of domination, dehumanization
and oppression over women.
There are three key aspects of male
socialization that have created, maintained
and normalized violence against
women:
1. Men viewing women as “less than”
continued on page 10
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
9

• Voice Male
A Call To Men continued from page 9
2. Men treating women as property
3. Men seeing women as objects
All three are major contributors to violence
against women.
As well-meaning men, we must begin
to examine the ways in which male
socialization fosters violence against
women. We must examine the ways in
which we “keep” women in marginalized
roles that enforce and maintain our male
dominance.
As well-meaning men, we must explore
and challenge the ways in which we continue
to perpetuate the myth that women
are the “property” of their husbands and
intimate partners. One of the principal
reasons that domestic violence continues
to be seen in many of our communities as
a “private” issue is our belief as men that
“she belongs to him.” While we know it’s
not true, nevertheless, that myth is deeply
embedded in our socialization.
As well-meaning men, we must unearth
the roots of objectifying women. In a
male-dominated society, an environment
is created which overwhelmingly supports
men’s objectification of women—from
the music and entertainment industry,
to corporate America, to communities
of faith and the street corner. We must
acknowledge, own, and struggle with the
change required to end this reality.
As well-meaning men, we must begin
to examine the ways we separate ourselves
from men who commit crimes
of sexual violence and men who batter,
while simultaneously giving them permission
to do so. We make monsters out
of them as a means of supporting our
position that we are different from them.
We pathologize their violence, blaming
chemical dependency, mental illness,
anger management, to name a few. We
put a great deal of energy and resources
into “fixing bad guys.” But the “bad guys”
operate in the same realm of sexism and
violence as we “good guys.” The only difference
between them and us is that, at a
certain point, we stop, while they cross
the line into what “well-meaning men”
define as illegal. The more attention we
focus on them, the more we are able to
maintain and strengthen our status as
“good guys.” VM
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10 Things Men Can Do to End Violence Against Women
Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay
the foundation for all forms of violence against women.
Examine and challenge our individual sexism and the role that we play in supporting
men who are abusive.
Recognize and stop colluding with other men by getting out of our socially defined
roles, and take a stance to end violence against women.
Remember that our silence is affirming. When we choose not to speak out against
men’s violence, we are supporting it.
Educate and re-educate our sons and other young men about our responsibility in
ending men’s violence against women.
“Break out of the man box”—Challenge traditional images of manhood that stop us
from actively taking a stand to end violence against women.
Accept and own our responsibility that violence against women will not end until
men become part of the solution to end it. We must take an active role in creating a
cultural and social shift that no longer tolerates violence against women.
Stop blaming men’s violence on mental illness, lack of anger management skills,
chemical dependency, stress, etc., which only excuses men’s violence. Violence against
women is rooted in the historic oppression of women—sexism.
Stop supporting the notion that men’s violence against women can end by providing
treatment for individual men. Men’s violence against women is the outgrowth of
men’s socialization.
10.
Accept leadership from women. Violence against women will end only when we take
direction from those who understand it most, women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10 Cosas Que Los Hombres Pueden Hacer
Admitir y entender cómo el sexismo, la dominancia masculina y el privilegio masculino
asientan la fundación de todas las formas de violencia contra las mujeres.
Examinar y poner a prueba nuestro sexismo individual y el rol que jugamos en apoyar
a los hombres que son abusivos.
Reconocer y parar de conspirar con otros hombres saliéndonos de nuestros roles
socialmente definidos, y tomar una postura para eliminar la violencia contra las
mujeres.
Recordar que nuestro silencio ratifica. Cuando elegimos no dar nuestra opinión de la
violencia masculina, la estamos apoyando.
Educar y re-educar a nuestros hijos y a otros hombres jóvenes acerca de nuestra
responsabilidad para terminar la violencia masculina contra las mujeres.
“Liberarse de la opresión del hombre”—Lucha tradicionalmente imagenes de el
estado de ser hombre de que nos para activamente emprender una posición para
terminar violencia contra las mujeres.
Aceptar y reconocer nuestra responsabilidad de que la violencia contra las mujeres no
finalizará hasta que los hombres sean parte de la solución para eliminarla. Tenemos
que tomar un rol activo para crear un cambio social y cultural que ya no tolere la
violencia contra las mujeres.
Parar de responsabilizar la violencia de los hombres a las enfermedades mentales, a
la falta de destrezas para manejar la ira, a la dependencia química, al estrés, etc…,
lo cual solamente excusa la violencia masculina. La violencia contra las mujeres está
enraizada en la opresión histórica de las mujeres—el sexismo.
Parar de apoyar la noción de que la violencia masculina contra las mujeres puede
terminar al proveer tratamiento individual para los hombres. La violencia de los hombres
contra las mujeres es el resultado de la socialización masculina.
10.
Aceptar liderazgo de las mujeres. La violencia en contra de las mujeres será eliminada
solamente cuando tomemos dirección de aquellas que lo entienden mejor, las
mujeres.
10

F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
11

Violence in Sports
The Head-Butt Heard Round the World
By Tony Switzer
• Voice Male
By now almost everyone with
a TV has seen the image, at
least once. With minutes left
in extra time of the 2006
World Cup Championship
soccer match featuring France against
Italy, French national hero and international
superstar Zinedine Zidane
was walking down the field during a
momentary lull in the action. Marco
Matterazzi strode along several paces
behind. Suddenly Zidane whirled around
and marched up to the Italian. Without
warning he delivered a head-butt to
Matterazzi’s sternum. The Italian went
down hard. Zidane was given a red
card—ejected from his final match, having
vowed to retire after the World Cup.
He left the field in tears trudging past the
golden World Cup trophy.
The head-butt was startling and violent.
Announcers and commentators called it
“disgraceful” and “a classless act,” and it
sure looked that way. It came from out
of nowhere, completely unprovoked as
far as the billion or so of us watching
could tell. Or was it? Could it be that
Zidane was acting rationally, or at least
not irrationally? Was he provoked? What
constitutes provocation?
In the days that followed most of
the international sporting world debated
why he did it. What could have caused
the great Zidane to lose his composure
at the last moment of his career? It was
seen from replays that Matterazzi had
been harassing Zidane by pulling his jersey
and illegally holding him during the
action right before the incident. French
teammates told how the Italians had been
jostling, holding, elbowing, and verbally
insulting Zidane the entire game. It was
part of the Italians’ strategy, they said, to
disrupt, distract, and, hopefully, provoke
the French star.
BAM!
The infamous head-butt: French soccer star Zinedine Zidane (right) with Italy’s Marco Matterazzi.
Zidane is the son of Algerian immigrants
and grew up in the slums of
Marseilles. His first football was played
on concrete with broken glass underfoot.
He is widely admired for speaking out
against and taking stands against racism
in football. So it was widely noted when
the French group SOS Racism issued a
statement the day after the game, claiming
they had been told by “very well
informed sources from within the world
of football” that Matterazzi had called
Zidane “a dirty terrorist.”
If Zidane were reacting to a racist
slander, then I could almost support his
reaction. In that case, Matterazzi would
have really crossed the line. In many
parts of the globe, racism has a shameful
presence in football among fans as well
as players.
But two days after the game, Zidane
“ The head-butt
was startling
and violent, ‘a
classless act,’
completely unprovoked.
Or was it?
Could it be that
Zidane was acting
rationally, or at
least not irrationally?
What constitutes
provocation?”
himself spoke. Apparently, it wasn’t a racist
taunt that he had reacted to. Without
being specific, he said that the Italian had
insulted his mother and sister, repeatedly.
Matterazzi denied it, saying, “I did
not insult his mother. I would not do
that.” A French newspaper hired a lip
reader to examine the videotape and
reported Matterazzi calling Zidane’s sister
“a whore.”
Is that justification enough? It makes
sense, doesn’t it, that if someone trashes
your sister, of course you have to headbutt
him. Don’t you? Is there any choice
to it at all?
Do we accept that logic when fouryear-olds
dispute a toy? Are we understanding
when adults scream, curse, and
drive wildly in acts of road rage? Do we
accept the provocation rationale when a
husband blackens his wife’s eye and says
Reuters
12

“she provoked me” because she 1) went
out with her female friends, 2) failed
to serve dinner promptly, 3) spent too
much, or 4) did something or did not do
something?
Should Zidane get a pass on this one?
I am a soccer fan because of my 15-
year-old son. He has been playing and
training continually for five years already.
Of course, I am proud of every goal he
scores. But I am most proud of Matt for
what he didn’t do.
Last year during a game a boy on the
other team targeted him with hard and
dirty physical play—an elbow to the ribs
when the ref wasn’t looking, etc. Finally,
when both went for the ball, he grabbed
Matt by the shoulders and slammed him
to the ground. Both went down in a
heap; the other boy came up screaming
and took a swing at Matt.
I report with great pride that Matt
merely took a step backward and said not
a word. The other boy was sent off with
a red card. He left the field belligerent,
unhappy, cursing. The game resumed.
Zidane’s teammate Thierry Henry
addressed Zidane’s impoverished youth,
saying, “You can take the man out of the
rough neighborhood, but you can’t take
the rough neighborhood out of the man.”
Does this explain the head-butt? For
some it undoubtedly does. The French
public is standing by their man. A poll
less than a week later found over 60 percent
forgiving Zidane and accepting his
rationale.
I am conflicted as I take the position
of condemning Matterazzi for his apparent
slanders while still finding greatest
fault with the Frenchman for choosing
to answer words with violence. I am vulnerable
to being called a naïve white boy
who has only seen rough neighborhoods
in the movies (mostly true). I don’t have
Zidane’s experience or the experience
of millions of men in this country of
poverty, gangs, racism, and violence.
I don’t have the same understanding
about responding to racial and family
and class insults (other than being called
“trailer trash”).
Still, I have come to the understanding
that violence leads to more violence and
initiating violence particularly pollutes
our social environment. How would I
react to deliberate, repeated provocation
such as Zidane endured? Or worse?
To be truthful, I don’t know for sure.
I have to hearken back to the words
of a man I met in Nicaragua. We were
both there in the late 1980s living with
villagers in the war zone and serving
as witnesses to the military assault of
the U.S.-funded “contra” guerilla army.
Rick had been wounded three times in
Vietnam, including getting his leg blown
off. He endured years of depression,
nightmares, alcoholism, and flashbacks.
By the time I met him 20 years after
that war, he had determined that he must
renounce verbal, emotional, and physical
violence in his own life, forever. He
told me he knew that the violence and
atrocities he had witnessed were not the
way forward. He said, “If it meant dying,
then I would rather that than propagate a
system that has been so unsuccessful.”
Rick’s words have haunted and inspired
me for years. I have not traveled as rough
a road as he, but I have come to similar
conclusions. Violence will stop only
when we stop using violence to deal
with our problems. And it has to start
with me.
And what about Zidane? Ultimately, he
had a choice. Didn’t he? VM
Tony Switzer works at the Texas Council on
Family Violence. This article first appeared
atwww.mensnonviolence.org.Commentsare
welcome at tswitz@tcfv.org.
You’re never far from Voice Male!
Look for the magazine at these distribution points throughout the U.S.:
California: Black Oak Books, Berkeley; Center for Women and Men,
USC, Los Angeles • Colorado: Boulder Cooperative Market, Boulder;
Page Two, Boulder • Florida: Goering’s Bookstore, Gainesville • Illinois:
New World Resource Center, Chicago • Maine: Boys to Men, Portland •
(Eastern) Massachusetts: Family Violence Prevention Fund, Boston;
Jane Doe, Boston; Men’s Resource Center of Central Mass., Worcester;
NOMAS-Boston, Westford • New Hampshire: Monadnock Men’s Resource
Center, Keene • New Mexico: Community Against Violence, Taos;
El Refugio, Silver City; Men’s Resource Center of Northern New Mexico,
Taos • North Carolina: Downtown Books and News, Asheville • Oregon:
Breaking Free, Eugene • Texas: Men’s Resource Center of South Texas,
Harlingen • Vermont: Everyone’s Books, Brattleboro; Healthy Living Market,
South Burlington; Lake Champlain Men’s Resource Center, Burlington •
Washington: Elliot Bay Café, Seattle; Twice Sold Tales, Seattle
Write to voicemale@mrcforchange.org for more information on
distributing VOICE MALE in your area.
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
13

Intimacy and Porn:
A Contradiction in Terms
By Haji Shearer
• Voice Male
W
hen I met the
womanwhobecame
my wife, my porn
collection consisted
of a milk crate full of
magazines. Mostly over-the-counter stuff:
some Playboys, Players, Hustlers and other
magazines that had articles to read when
you got tired of pursuing their primary
purpose. The crate also contained an
assortment of hardcore magazines showing
couples exploring fantasies the art directors
thought would keep men like me buying
their product. I was a libertine and didn’t
try to keep the stash a secret from my
future wife. The porn was part of my sexual
software, and sharing it with my real-life
partner was designed to help us be on the
same page. After all, I only bought images
that turned me on, so it was a good way for
her to get to know what I liked.
Shortly after we hooked up, Jasmin
perused my collection, seemingly unimpressed.
She had been raised in a family
far more libertine than I was and she was
no stranger to photos of people having sex.
Her lack of interest in the magazines didn’t
bother me. I could enjoy them without her.
I had also shown the magazines to previous
girlfriends and, in my experience, women
didn’t get excited about porn. I never
shared my collection with male friends (I
didn’t want to use a magazine after another
man had touched it), but it was clear from
conversations that I wasn’t the only brother
with a stash.
Jasmin and I made a commitment to
each other and started down intimacy road,
removing one mask after another as we
went. Soon enough, she disclosed that she
had been sexually molested as a child. Not
long after that, she indicted my porn collection
as a contributor to the sexual exploitation
of women and girls that resulted in her
own sexual abuse. Because she had been
photographed as part of her abuse, her
sensitivity to porn was especially high. I
was blindsided by the idea that these legally
purchased photos could be a factor in the
immoral, criminal cruelty endured by her
and other abuse victims. I wasn’t, however,
in a good position to argue with her feelings
about being sexually molested.
So, for the first time, I chose to address
the ethical issues of porn. I imagined the
models’ life stories beyond the art directors’
fantasies. I wondered how many of them
had been sexually victimized as children
and questioned what the real-life women
thought about the scenes they acted out. I
came to the conclusion that most economically
secure, self-respecting women would
choose another career, and that by using
porn I was playing into the subjugation
of an underclass. This assessment led me
to toss my collection with little remorse.
Jasmin was pleased by my decision, but
didn’t make a big deal about it as she probably
would have if I had stubbornly held
on to my right to keep it. Discarding the
collection was, no doubt, one small piece
of the long, intense, and largely successful
healing of her sexual abuse trauma.
Since making that heroic decision to
upgrade my sexual software, I have dabbled
with porn from time to time. When Jasmin
and I met, I was in a Luddite phase and
didn’t own a TV, much less a VCR, so my
porn viewing was limited to magazines.
After each addition of TV, VCR, 56K, and
finally high-speed Internet to our media
repertoire, I explored the new delivery
system to see if my feelings about porn had
changed. The main improvement was no
embarrassing trips to the magazine or video
store. The content was as I remembered it.
My wife was patient with my occasional
explorations. Because we are fond of sex
and because the porn industry has staked
a claim, erroneously as it turns out, as a
purveyor of liberated sexuality, Jasmin may
have subconsciously thought she should
enjoy the images more than she did.
Neither of us is a prude. But, try as we
might, the backstories of the performers
bothered us and it became increasingly
difficult to justify porn’s use in our happy
marriage. And it wasn’t just how porn
affects the women in the photos and films.
As I continued to pursue my spiritual
evolution, viewing pornography became a
practice that was increasingly at odds with
my own sense of integrity.
About a year ago Voice Male published
an article by one of its frequent contributors,
journalism professor and anti-porn
activist Robert Jensen. He argued that both
performers and viewers of pornography are
degraded by their involvement. Personally,
continued on page 22
14

Reflections on Men’s Loss, Grief, Anger, and Change
Finding the Way Through
By Steve Cutting
Anger is all the rage today. We
have “road rage,” “air rage,”
“supermarket rage,” even
“public bathroom rage.” It
sounds kind of funny, but
for many people, including myself, problems
with controlling rage and impulsive
anger are nothing to laugh about.
Unhealthy anger may be a problem for
both sexes, but I’m going to focus on men’s
anger, and suggest that by taking a look at
what may lie behind our destructive anger,
men have the potential to stop or at least
reduce undesirable behavior that causes
problems in their lives. By summoning the
courage to look at the shadowy aspects
of ourselves, we can experience personal
transformation; we can rebalance our lives
and become clearer, calmer, more accepting
individuals. We can become builders
instead of destroyers.
A recent flyer for a course in anger management
offered by the Men’s Resource
Center for Change in Amherst, Mass.,
open to both men and women, contains
this advisory: “Destructive anger can
wreak havoc in a man’s life—resulting
in ruined relationships, job loss, physical
endangerment, health problems and
trouble with the law.”
How true that is. About four years ago
I moved to western Massachusetts to be
closer to relatives when after the birth of
our child, my wife was diagnosed with
a degenerative neuromuscular condition,
severely limiting her physical movement.
Aside from being a great personal burden
to her, my wife’s illness became an issue for
us when the Department of Social Services
intervened out of concern that her condition
might limit her ability to be an effective
parent. DSS also raised concerns that I had
not been emotionally supportive to my wife,
that I had frequently lost my temper, and
that I had behaved inappropriately, even
abusively, at times during our marriage.
“The first of the
Four Noble Truths of
Buddhism—Life is suffering—
took on an ironic sort
of attraction to me because
it directly contradicted
everything I had been
conditioned to believe.”
After a long and contentious struggle,
a family court interceded and concluded
that our child would be better
served by an In-Family Open Adoption.
Fortunately, my younger brother and his
wife were only too willing to adopt our
child. Presently our child is doing well
in my brother’s family, with two older,
previously adopted siblings who seem to
adore him. Because the adoption is in my
family, I am fortunate to have contact and
frequent visits with our child.
Not so fortunate was our marriage.
After the adoption, my wife and I were
unable to work out our differences and
have since separated and divorced.
I have to say that I am truly sorry for
the hurt I caused my ex-wife. She and I
are at peace with our decision to separate
and have accepted the decision to
place our child for adoption as the most
appropriate choice under difficult circumstances.
On the other hand, the pain
of losing custody of my child has given
me the opportunity to reexamine choices
I made in the past, both in my marriage
and in other areas of life.
I made choices with respect to managing
stress, frustration, and not getting
what I want in certain circumstances that
were inappropriate. At times I chose to
respond to these stresses with impulsive
rage and anger—which has had painful
consequences and led to a period of loss
and sadness in my life. Ironically, however,
the experience of feeling sadness
and grief over the consequences of my
own behavior has been a necessary step
toward understanding and changing it.
After losing the right to be my child’s
parent, I was already suffering from selfdoubt
and a fairly serious depression.
After my wife moved out, even though
I intuitively understood it to be the right
thing, my depression deepened. As it
turned out her leaving, as painful as it
was, became the beginning of a kind
of catalyst for change where I gradually
began to perceive things differently.
Although it wasn’t by choice, for the
first time in a number of years I began
to spend a great deal more time alone,
providing an opportunity to reflect on the
repercussions of choices I had made. This
time became a kind of vehicle for change
and helped shift my focus inward toward
the source of my own personal turmoil
and angst, rather than outward toward
blaming external circumstances.
As a way of dealing with anger I began
to pay more attention to Buddhism,
which I had been aware of, but never
seriously looked at. The first of the Four
Noble Truths of Buddhism—Life is suffering—took
on an ironic sort of attraction
to me because it directly contradicted
everything I had been conditioned to
believe. The Buddhist principle of the
impermanence of all things helped me
understand my experience and provided
some relief from the deep changes and
personal losses I had endured.
continued on page 23
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
15

Girls Gone Wild
• Voice Male
Book Review
By Aviva Okun
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and
the Rise of Raunch Culture
by Ariel Levy
New York: Pocket Books (paper),
2006. 240 pp.
Ariel Levy’s book Female
Chauvinist Pigs compels us
to consider the origins of
“raunch culture” and what
women have done to perpetuate
its existence. Levy questions why
women today try so hard to be “one of
the guys,” and why they are so convinced
that by acting like men they will achieve
equality with men.
Levy explores the different facets of
American society that have been influenced
by raunch culture through interviews
with women from all walks of
life—from high schoolers to middleaged
women’s libbers, lesbian “bois” to
straight women. Through her investigative
research, Levy shows us a culture that
has become infused with sex as a means
of currency, something to be consumed
and accumulated, where women believe
that they can only achieve equality with
men by acting like them and by emulating
stereotypical male sexual desire.
“Female chauvinist pigs” view sex as a
commodity and not as a means of getting
in touch with their own desires and
fantasies; rather, they associate sexiness
with how the mass media presents it to
them. They view breast augmentation
and pornography as sexy, they adopt a
narrow, male-influenced view of expressing
sexuality and sexual desire, and they
scorn women who do not strive to be
like men. They have the utmost disdain
for the “girly-girl”—even though this is
the image of women they are supposed
to take pleasure in viewing. The female
chauvinist pig is a contradiction on many
levels. She believes she is achieving gender
equality by making a mockery of
herself and other women while actually
reinforcing the objectification of women.
Levy does not believe that these women
have much success, if any, at achieving
their goals of equality and sexual freedom.
In fact, Levy believes that these
women are boxing themselves in by subscribing
to such a narrow definition of
what sexuality is and who is allowed to
be sexual. Many of the women she interviews
even report not taking pleasure in
sexual acts.
In the first chapter, “Raunch Culture,”
Levy demonstrates how raunch culture
has evolved from a covert male society
that exploited women for sexual pleasure
to a national phenomenon in which
women are expected to encourage this
behavior and to enjoy objectifying themselves
and each other.
In “The Future That Never Happened,”
Levy gives a summary of the women’s
movement and the sexual liberation
movement and how these contributed to
raunch culture as we view it today. Levy
suggests that the rise of female chauvinist
pigs came out of a need to rebel against
the feminist movement and also as a
response to a culture that encourages and
rewards objectification of women.
Levy continually comes up against
resistance from women who deny that
their sexual practices are objectifying and
demoralizing. Sheila Nevins, an executive
for HBO, explains that she enjoys her
show G-String Divas because it’s sexy and
fun. She does not understand why someone
would make such a big deal out of it
when there are so many other injustices
that women face. She feels that it is worse
to be out of touch with what’s cool than
to be objectified.
Levy also interviews women who have
appeared in the Girls Gone Wild videos
and who explain that for them, taking
off their clothes and making out with
each other on camera is a way to show
how much they love their own bodies
and how empowered they are. These
women eagerly exploit themselves to
win the approval of men. “People watch
the videos and think the girls in them
are real slutty, but I’m a virgin!” says one
participant. “And yeah, Girls Gone Wild
is for guys to get off on, but the women
are beautiful and it’s…fun! The only way
I could see someone not doing this is if
they were planning a career in politics.”
Levy believes these women are giving
men permission to view them only
as objects of their pleasure and not as
people with desires of their own. They
are teaching each other that they can
only gain social status by showing off
sexually.
Raunch culture and female chauvinism
are becoming such a societal epidemic
that even our youth are displaying symp-
continued on page 26
16

The Locker Room and the Closet
By Gretchen Craig
Maybe I should stop
going to the library. I
go in innocently looking
for diversionary
(and sometimes educational)
reading and come out weighed
down by a stack of books that I couldn’t
possibly get through without sacrificing
other things in my life, like karaoke, or
perhaps bathing. The last time I went in I
came across a book that I felt some curiosity
about, and thought Voice Male readers
would be very interested in. I scooped
it up, hurried back to VM headquarters
(something like the Bat Cave, but a little
different), and started reading. What I
found was in some ways very interesting,
but in some ways just disappointing.
Esera Tuaolo, with the help of sportswriter
John Rosengren, has written a
book about his experience as a closeted
gay man playing professional football.
At times the book is emotionally candid,
focused and insightful. As someone
who has always had the luxury of having
a sexual orientation that mainstream
America finds acceptable, I found it truly
eye-opening to read about the various
factors that can push an individual into
a closet of fear. In Tuaolo’s case, class was
an important factor. He stresses that football
opened doors for him that he would
not have had access to otherwise, and
he lived in fear that coming out would
mean losing football, which would in
turn mean going back to a life of financial
struggle. He also thrived on the praise he
received from coaches and fans when he
excelled at the sport. He makes it clear
that, for a long time, this positive feedback
was enough to offset the negative
homophobic comments that surrounded
him and kept him feeling isolated.
In addition to explaining why he
was closeted, Tuaolo is also effective in
expressing the pain that he felt while
Alone in the Trenches:
My Life as a Gay Man in the NFL
by Esera Tuaolo with John Rosengren
Sourcebooks, Inc., 2006
278 pages
he was. He openly describes periods of
alcohol abuse and moments when he
had suicidal thoughts. But what was
more telling for me were his reactions to
certain situations that arose in his life. His
experience of playing in the Super Bowl,
perhaps the pinnacle of an NFL player’s
life, was tainted by his having to remain
closeted. “I got depressed thinking that
when Mitchell, my partner of three years,
arrived, I couldn’t greet him openly with
the affection I felt for him. I couldn’t
show others my happiness at having him
there with me.”
Unfortunately, some of the more touching
moments in the book are bogged
down by weighty descriptions of football
games and practices. While I do enjoy the
sport, I did not feel the need to know, for
example, the details of certain plays that
took place while Tuaolo was in college.
Much like Moby-Dick, in which the whale
chase sometimes plays second fiddle to
in-depth descriptions of whale skeletons
and blubber refinement, Tuaolo’s journey
as a gay man is sometimes obscured by
his vivid recollections of games gone
by. At times I wondered how the book
would have turned out if he had not had
a sportswriter as his wingman.
Another disappointment for me was
that the book felt a little disorganized
and unevenly paced. It’s mainly chronological—except
when it isn’t. Tuaolo tells
the reader about his painful encounters
with sexual abuse on pages 55 (age
13) and 191 (age 6). This method of
revealing certain pieces of information
at seemingly random places in the telling
of his life made me feel like he had been
withholding something. It diminished
the effect that his moments of open,
brutal honesty had.
As an introduction to gay identity
issues for sports fans who have had
limited contact with openly gay people,
Tuaolo’s book works. His message is one
of acceptance and hope, putting into
plain language the emotional toll that
living in the closet can take. However,
for those looking for a more emotional
or sophisticated autobiography of a closeted
gay man, or for those who simply
can’t take lengthy descriptions of gridiron
X’s and O’s, Tuaolo’s book may not
make the cut. VM
Gretchen Craig is the development coordinator
for the Men’s Resource Center for
Change, a quasi-avid reader, and the “jock”
of her family. She is currently trying to finish
three books before exploring her renewed
appreciation for the game of football.
Book Review
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
17

For more info or to submit new entries for GBQ Resources contact us
at (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voicemale@mrcforchange.org
• Voice Male
GBQ Resources
AIDS CARE/Hampshire County
Contact: (413) 586-8288. Buddy Program,
transportation, support groups and much
more free of charge to people living
with HIV.
AIDS Project of Southern Vermont
Contact: (802) 254-4444. Free, confidential
HIV/AIDS services, including support,
prevention counseling and volunteer
opportunities. T.H.E. Men’s Program
(Total HIV Education) Contact: Alex
Potter (802) 254-8263, Brattleboro, VT.
Weekly/monthly social gatherings,
workshops, and volunteer opportunities.
Email: eflash@sover.net
Bereavement Group for Those Who
Have Lost Same-Sex Partners
For individuals who have lost a same-sex
partner. 2nd Thursday of each month from
7-9 pm at the Forastiere Funeral Home,
220 Main St, E. Longmeadow, MA; year-round,
walk-in group with no fee or pre-registration;
bereavement newsletter also available.
For more information, call (413) 733-5311.
East Coast Female-to-Male Group
Contact: Bet Powers (413) 584-7616,
P.O. Box 60585 Florence, Northampton,
MA 01062, betpower@yahoo.com. Peer
support group open to all masculine-identified,
female-born persons – FTMs, transmen
of all sexual orientations/identities, crossdressers,
stone butches, transgendered,
transsexuals, non-op, pre-op, post-op,
genderqueer, bi-gendered, questioning
– and our significant others, family, and
allies.Meetings 2nd Sundays in
Northampton, 3-6 p.m.
Free Boyz Northampton
Social/support meetings for people
labeled female at birth who feel that’s not
an accurate description of who they are.
Meet 1st and 3rd Mondays, 7 p.m. at
Third Wave Feminist Booksellers,
42 Green Street, Northampton.
Gay, Bisexual & Questioning
Men’s Support Group
Drop-in, peer-facilitated. Monday,
7-9 p.m. Men’s Resource Center,
236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA.
For information: Allan Arnaboldi,
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10.
Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project
Provides community education and direct
services to gay, bisexual, and transgendered
male victims and survivors of domestic
violence. Business: (617) 354-6056. 24-
hour crisis line provides emotional support,
safety planning, crisis counseling, referrals,
and emergency housing: (800) 832-1901.
www.gmdvp.org; email: support@gmdvp.org
Generation Q (formerly Pride Zone)
A Program for GBQ youth. Open
Thursdays, 4-9, for drop-in and a support
group. Open Fridays, 4-9, for drop-in and
pizza. Contact info: 413-582-7861
Email: apangborn@communityaction.us
GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates
& Defenders)
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders
is New England’s leading legal rights
organization dedicated to ending discrimination
based on sexual orientation, HIV
status and gender identity and expression.
Contact: 30 Winter St., Suite 800,
Boston, MA 02108. Tel: (617) 426-1350,
Fax: (617) 426-3594, gladlaw@glad.org,
www.glad.org. Legal Information Hotline:
(800) 455-GLAD (4523). GLAD’s Legal
Information Hotline is completely
confidential.
Trained volunteers work one-on-one
with callers to provide legal information,
support and referrals within New England.
Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4:30; English
and Spanish.
GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight
Society) GLBT Youth Group of
Franklin County
Meets every Wednesday evening in
Greenfield. Info: (413) 774-7028.
HIV Testing Hotline
AIDS Action Committee in Boston provides
referral to anonymous, free or low-cost HIV
testing/counseling sites: (800) 750-2016.
For Hepatitis C information and referral:
(888) 443-4372. Both lines are staffed M-F
9am-9pm and often have bi- and tri-lingual
staff available.
Men’s Health Project
Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 747-5144.
Education, prevention services, and counseling
for men’s health issues, especially
HIV/AIDS. Springfield, Northampton,
Greenfield. Tapestry Health Services.
Monadnock Gay Men
A website that provides a social support
system for gay men of Keene and the
entire Monadnock Region of Southwestern
NH. www.monadnockgaymen.com or email
monadgay@aol.com
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends
of Lesbians and Gays) of Springfield/
Greater Springfield
Educational information and support for
the parents, families, and friends of Gays,
Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgendered
People. Contact info: MssEnn@aol.com,
Judy Nardacci, 413-243-2382 or Elizabeth
Simon, 413-732-3240
Safe Homes: the Bridge of
Central Massachusetts
Providing support and services to gay,
lesbian, bisexual, transgender youth via
a weekly Drop-In Center, community
outreach system and peer leadership
program. Based in Worcester, serving
all towns in region. 4 Mann Street
Worcester, Massachusetts 01602
Phone: 508.755.0333 Fax: 508.755.2191
Web: www.thebridgecm.org/programs.htm
Email: info@thebridgecm.org
SafeSpace
SafeSpace provides information, support,
referrals, and advocacy to lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning
(LGBTQQ) survivors of violence and
offers education and outreach programs
in the wider community. P.O. Box 158,
Burlington, VT 05402.
Phone: 1-802-863-0003;
toll-free 1-866-869-7341.
Fax: 1-802-863-0004.
Email: info@safespacevt.org.
Website: www.safespacevt.org
The Stonewall Center
University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian,
bisexual, gay, and transgender educational
resource center. Contact: (413) 545-4824,
www.umass.edu/stonewall.
Straight Spouse Network
Monthly support group meets in Northampton,
MA, the first Tuesday from 6-8 p.m. For
spouses, past and present, of lesbian, gay,
bisexual or transgendered partners. Contact:
Jane Harris for support and location,
(413) 625-6636; janenrosie@hotmail.com.
Confidentiality is assured.
The Sunshine Club
Support and educational activities for transgendered
persons. Info: (413) 586-5004.
P.O. Box 564, Hadley, MA 01305.
Email: av517@osfn.org, www.thesunshineclub.org.
VT M4M.net
Dedicated to promoting the overall good
health of Vermont’s gay and bisexual men, as
well as those who are transgender, by providing
information, resources, and a calendar
of events for gay, bisexual, questioning, and
transgendered men. www.vtm4m.net
18

Love Makes a Marriage
By Mitch Sorensen
On July 30, 2006, my
partner of three years
and I became each other’s
husband at Look Park
in Northampton, Mass.
Family and friends surrounded us and it
was a wonderful, loving and caring expression
of support from our two families
and all of our mutual friends. The guest
list included friends from Denver, San
Francisco and Las Vegas.
Like every major life decision, my decision
to propose marriage was a process, not
an event. When I met my future husband
online, it was the furthest thing from my
mind. The Goodrich decision (which led to
legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts) was
in the courts and, being from Connecticut,
I was not very focused on the issue as I felt
that it had little or no impact on me.
On our first date, Northampton’s Gay
Pride March and Rally in May 2003, Allan
and I marched together in the Pride Parade.
A first for me! As so many people yelled
hello to my “marching partner/date,” I
knew this guy was never going to be leaving
the Pioneer Valley. He was just too connected
to his community, and it became
clear that if this relationship was going to
go anyplace, the geographical focus of it
would be in the Northampton area where
he had spent the last 30 years of his life.
And so began a two-year history of commuting
back and forth between Hartford
and Northampton as our relationship progressed.
I had a major event coming up,
my only daughter’s wedding in the Hartford
area, for which I wanted to be living close by.
This gave us an 18-month window before
any decisions about moves had to be made.
As our dating continued beyond the
one-year mark, many of my local friends
and work colleagues asked if Allan would
be moving down or I would be moving up
to Massachusetts. I indicated that eventually
I thought I would be moving to the
“ I wanted to be
married to my partner,
and the fact that he
was another man was
no longer a problem
for me. I wanted to
be at that place that
earlier in my life I
held in high esteem.”
Mitch (left) and his
husband, Allan.
Northampton area because of his community
connections, and because I really loved
the quality of life there. The vast majority
of my Connecticut circle responded with
something like, “Oh, you’re moving to
Massachusetts so you can marry?” My
immediate reaction to that was, “No, I’ve
done that once (indicating my past marriage
to my ex-wife and now friend), and
it’s just not going to happen again!” I think
I might have said, “No, that’s never going to
happen again.”
Well, we all learn that on occasion we
have to eat our words! And truly, they are
the best words I have had to recant.
As our relationship grew and matured,
I fell deeply in love with this kind, caring,
affectionate and gentle soul. By the time
the marriage of my daughter took place,
my house was on the market and we were
looking for a home in Massachusetts. This
was clearly the guy for me, and my family’s
acceptance of him as my partner was unanimous.
His family, similarly, welcomed me
with open arms. I received numerous comments
from friends and work colleagues
about how much more “settled” and calm
and comfortable with myself I had become
in the recent months prior to our move.
I actually started to come out to a great
many more people—not so much with
the intent of doing so, but when the conversation
led us in that direction. One of
my business clients who did not know
I was gay asked me who the “babe” was
that got me to move to Massachusetts. I
turned to him and said, “It’s not a babe, it’s a
guy—and by the way, I am a gay man.” He
paused for a moment and said, “You know,
I am one of 10 in my family and we have
one of everything. It’s not a problem for
me!” There have been more of those positive
moments since I met my partner than
I can recount, and I feel blessed because of
every one of them.
I share all this here, and in this manner,
as it was a series of events over time
that made me realize I wanted to marry
my partner. He is a wonderful, caring and
affectionate man committed to making our
relationship work for both of us, and he is
a spectacular communicator when issues
arise. I had never been in a relationship
before where communication had come
so freely, and I was in two very long-term
relationships prior to meeting my husband.
Our mutual love and respect for each other,
as well as the love and caring our respective
families have shown us both, helped me to
understand that I belonged with this man.
I wanted to be married to my partner,
and the fact that he was another man was
no longer a problem for me. I wanted to
be at that place that earlier in my life I held
in high esteem. While I understood that
this marriage might be a problem for some
members of my family, I also knew they had
always loved me and supported me and
that while they might not be as comfortable
continued on page 26
Outlines • Gay & Bisexual Voices
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
19

Frozen Peas
• Voice Male
Men‘s Health
By Gregory Keer
Sitting in bed with a bag of frozen
peas in my lap, I was in heaven.
Never mind that I was enduring
a steadily pulsing pain in
the middle of my body. My wife
was catering to me. She served me food,
allowed me to nap for much of the day,
relinquished ownership of the TV remote,
and gave me long looks of adoration. For
the first time in eight years—since my wife
got pregnant with child number one—I
was the center of attention.
The secret? Four little syllables. Va-sec-to-my.
In my proud state of convalescence, I had
grand visions. Mostly, they involved variations
on the following dialogue:
Wendy: “We can’t have sex tonight. I
might get pregnant.”
Gregg: “Of course we can. I got a vasectomy!”
(Insert image of me in superhero
Spandex, bearing a giant VM on my chest
for Vasectomy Man!)
Certainly, my vasectomy would not preclude
the other excuses of “I’m tired” and
“Honey, the kids are playing Candy Land in
the next room.” But this new state of male
harmlessness would put me in the driver’s
seat on all other occasions.
I must admit that more readily accessible
sexual activity was a motivator for getting
snipped, though it wasn’t the only factor.
My wife and I had reached the point of
child saturation. Three boys were enough
to keep us happy and busy. Also, after years
of primarily relying on Wendy for the contraception,
it was my turn to take over the
responsibility.
So, four months after Ari was born, I
made a pre-op appointment for my little
procedure (please don’t take the word “little”
the wrong way). In Dr. Leff’s office, I
felt a bit funny. It wasn’t just because the
urologist was a family friend whom I had
known since I was 12. It was the thought
that, upon getting vasectomized, I would
no longer be able to create children. I knew
“ I felt a bit funny: on getting vasectomized, I would no
longer be able to create children. I knew I would still
be a man, but this was an alteration of my identity.”
I would still be a man, but this was an
alteration of my identity.
Then, as Dr. Leff explained the procedure,
I realized this was one of the most
grown-up things I could do. It’s one thing
to decide to have children. It’s another to
close the chapter on creating kids and concentrate
on raising them.
A week later, I found myself in the surgical
chair, ready for this new chapter. Dr.
Leff politely asked if I wanted to watch the
procedure. I passed on the observation part
(I was confident but not that confident) and
opted for a verbal play-by-play.
“Last chance,” the good doctor said, as he
prepared to snip.
“Let’s do this,” I said, chuckling nervously
in my vulnerable state.
With that, he cut, cauterized, and tied off
the vas deferens in less than 20 minutes. The
only evidence was two small red marks.
At the end, a scene from Everything You
Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were
Afraid to Ask popped into my head, the
one in which the sperm prepare for lift-off.
In my sequel to this vignette, “workers”
assemble for a big speech from the boss,
who announces, “We’ve closed the factory.”
Yep, my “boys” had officially retired.
Barring a $10,000 surgery that could restore
my baby-making ability, I was a new man.
As Wendy drove me home, I announced,
“Let’s go for lunch to celebrate.”
“Will the Novocain last?” she said.
“I’m fine,” I said with bravado. “I feel—
oh, that’s a little sore. I need to lie down.”
At home, I applied the bag of frozen
peas to reduce the swelling, but the pain
never rose to the serious level. Maybe it
had something to do with all the wonderful
service my wife provided during the
day and the loving hugs of my sons, who
came home later. (I decided to leave out
the details of Daddy’s doctor visit and opted
for a “Daddy strained his leg” explanation.)
By the next morning, I felt tender but not
uncomfortable.
I managed to coach my oldest son’s basketball
game that morning and, aside from
some ill-advised jumping up and down to
protest a bad referee call, you would never
know I was nursing my lower anatomy.
About six weeks later I was pronounced
sperm free. Today, I feel no difference in my
body. Mentally, I’m rather proud. I’m even
part of a club of friends I never knew had
had vasectomies. As with so many other
intimate details, most fellas don’t discuss
getting clipped. Perhaps it’s because, physically,
it isn’t as big a deal as it may have been
for generations past.
I’m happy to report that, while I’m no
longer in the baby business, I’m ever more
focused on just being Dad—and hearing a
few extra “yeses” from my wife.
Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, educator,
and on-air expert on fatherhood. His
Family Man ® column appears in such publications
as L.A. Parent, Bay Area Parent,
and Boston Parents’ Paper. In addition to
writing for Parenting magazine and the
Parents’ Choice Foundation, Keer publishes
the online fatherhood magazine familymanonline.
Keer can be reached at www.
familymanonline.com.
20

F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
21

• Voice Male
Men’s Resources (Resources for Gay, Bisexual
& Questioning Men, see page 18)
International Society for Men’s Health
and Gender
P.O. Box 144, A-1097, Vienna, Austria/ EUROPE
Phone: +43 1 4096010, Fax: +43 1 4096011
www.ismh.org or office@ismh.org
Montreal Men Against Sexism
c/o Martin Dufresne
913 de Bienville
Montreal, Quebec H2J 1V2 CANADA
514-563-4428, 526-6576, 282-3966
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
(800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step
groups throughout New England.
Fathers
Resources
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns
Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar
association lawyer referral agency. In Mass.
the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some
websites that may be of use to you:
www.dadsdivorce.com
www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com)
www.deltabravo.net
www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/
www.divorce.com
www.divorcecentral.com
www.divorcehq.com
www.divorcenet.com
www.divorce-resource-center.com
www.divorcesupport.com
Collaborative Divorce
www.collaborativealternatives.com
www.collaborativedivorce.com
www.collaborativepractice.com
www.nocourtdivorce.com
Dads and Daughters
www.dadsanddaughters.org
The Fathers Resource Center
www.slowlane.com
National Fatherhood Initiative
www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet
Internet Resources
Brother Peace
http://www.eurowrc.org/01.eurowrc/04.eurowrc_
en/36.en_ewrc.htm
EuroPRO-Fem: European Menprofemist Network
www.europrofem.org or city.shelter@skynet.be or
traboules@traboules.org
Men Against Violence
http://www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/wcpmenaga.htm
Men Can Stop Rape
www.mencanstoprape.org
Men for HAWC
http://www.danverspolice.com/domviol9.htm
The Men’s Bibliography
A comprehensive bibliography of writing on men,
masculinities, gender, and sexualities, listing over
14,000 works. It’s free at:
http://mensbiblio.xyonline.net/
Men’s Health Network
http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/
Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc.
www.mijd.org
Men’s Resource Center for Change
www.mrcforchange.org
Men’s Resources International
www.mensresourcesinternational.org
Men Stopping Violence
http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/index.php
Mentors in Violence Prevention
http://www.sportinsociety.org/mvp
National Men’s Resource Center
www.menstuff.org
National Organization for Men Against Sexism
www.nomas.org;Bostonchapterwww.nomasboston.org
National Association of Men and Women
Committed to Ending Violence Against Women
www.acalltomen.org
100 Black Men, Inc.
www.100blackmen.org
White Ribbon Campaign
www.whiteribbon.com; www.theribbonlady.com
XY Magazine
www.xyonline.net
Pro-feminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www.
xyonline.net/links.shtml
Pro-feministmen’spolitics,frequentlyaskedquestions
www.xyonline.net/misc/pffaq.html
Pro-feminist e-mail list (1997– ) www.xyonline.net/
misc/profem.html
Homophobia and masculinities among young men
www.xyonline.net/misc/homophobia.html
Magazines
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain)
www.achillesheel.freeuk.com
ROB OKUN
Counseling for
Men and Women,
Fathers
&
Justice of the Peace
Officiating at Weddings for Couples
in Massachusetts & Beyond
(413) 687-8171
RAOkun@comcast.net
Intimacy and Porn continued from page 14
I know using porn never left me feeling particularly
proud. It was more likely to bring
up feelings of shame after the fact—seldom
a good sign. My reflections sparked by the
Jensen article inspired a revelation: Jasmin
and I strive for intimacy in our relationship.
Using porn hinders that. Whether alone or
with my wife, viewing porn takes time and
energy away from our union and squanders
it on a pseudo-relationship. Even using porn
as a stimulus for marital sex is problematic
because porn rarely reflects healthy modes
of connection. Porn is wham, bam, thank
you, ma’am—at best—and not reflective of
the kind of sex I really want in my own life.
No surprise, I find it easier to achieve sexual
pleasure and intimacy with my wife when
images of models paid to perform male
fantasies are not playing in my head.
There have been many critiques of porn
from a feminist point of view. Although
they have validity, I am not playing that
drum. Those of us engaged in a struggle to
redefine manhood for the new millennium
must address the ubiquitousness of porn
and decide whether using it for sexual stimulation
is leading us toward enlightened
masculinity or contributing to our being
used as pawns of a corporate vision devoid
of integrity. I’ve talked to many women
besides my wife who are quietly disgusted
by their male partners’ use of porn, but just
accept it as a fact of life. Porn is like sexual
crack—a quick high that feels good as long
as you don’t think about it too much. Its
long-term negative consequences greatly
outweigh any initial rush.
I am not suggesting that porn be outlawed.
I am advocating that men examine
our relationship with porn more seriously.
I stopped using porn because I’m committed
to being the best lover I can, and porn
doesn’t support that. There is better sexual
software in my own imagination, as well as
in enlightened approaches to sex found in
Tantra, Taoism, and every male heart. It’s
ironic: throwing away that milk crate full
of magazines ended up being a giant step
toward my true sexual liberation. VM
Haji Shearer is a social activist who enjoys
sex and who regularly writes for Voice Male.
He lives with his wife and teenage son and
daughter outside of Boston.
22

Finding the Way Through continued from page 15
Coincidentally, in one of my more
desperate moments, at a relative’s house
I came across the book When Things Fall
Apart, a brief encapsulation of Tibetan
Buddhism by American Buddhist nun
Pema Chödrön. One of Chödrön’s key
hypotheses is that often, only through
life’s most difficult and painful experiences,
if we can courageously look at them,
can the process of alchemy take place
that brings about insight, which leads
to the wisdom to change. The essential
message of the book is that by “staying”
with the unease often created by life’s
challenges—relationships, work, all areas
of our experience—and not turning away,
the fear becomes less threatening. As we
sit with the unease, over time it becomes
more familiar and thus less menacing
to us. In Chödrön’s words we become
“Spiritual Warriors,” gaining confidence
and fearlessness as we move forward with
anticipation and greater certainty into the
uncharted waters of our future.
At the same time, I began regularly
attending the MRC’s evening drop-in men’s
support groups, where the topics discussed
aren’t limited to anger, and where
I continue to find enormous camaraderie
and support. I also began taking the anger
management course I mentioned earlier,
and that helped me a great deal as well.
Now, when I feel symptoms of anger coming
on—increased muscle tension, shallow
breathing, judgmental thoughts—I
treat them as a warning signal. They
become almost a road sign, directing me
to turn my attention inward. This process
helps unmask the negative sensations for
what they truly are: misperceptions and
fictions created by an overly analytical
ruminating mind. As Buddhism teaches,
through meditation we learn to quietly
observe uncomfortable bodily sensations
and unsettling thoughts by letting them
pass through, and not attaching to them. I
have found that these “thought stopping”
techniques, and meditation, help to better
manage my anxiety and depression, as
well as to curb my tendency to respond
impulsively with knee-jerk explosive
anger when faced with inevitable frustration
and disappointment.
If you suspect, as I do, that precipitous
anger may be in part caused by fear—particularly
for men whose early impressions
of manhood are often based on unrealistic
ideals of invincible comic book character
types and John Wayne–style superheroes
who display dazzling feats of machismo
in the face of adversity—then it follows
that for men, being able to look fearlessly
at their weaknesses, uncertainties, and
vulnerabilities may be a key to unlocking
the prison of their hurtful anger.
I’ve found that truly feeling the suffering
and regret that may go with accepting
responsibility for the consequences
of one’s destructive anger is a necessary
step if the anger is to be transformed. The
methods mentioned above do not offer
an easy fix and change does not necessarily
come about quickly, but I believe if
one can muster the courage to look at the
shadowy side of one’s own psyche, then
the journey is worth it. Looking at these
issues, painful as they are, has helped me
in the struggle to control my anger and
change my behavior. It’s been a difficult
process at times, but through it all I have
learned that with consistent effort, real
personal growth is possible. VM
SteveCuttingisanativeofwesternMassachusetts.
His father was president of Blair, Cutting
and Smith Insurance Agency in Amherst until
his passing in 1969, at which point the family
moved to a Boston suburb. Steve currently
resides in Chicopee, Mass., enjoys writing and
is interested in men’s issues.
Robert Mazer ~ Psychotherapist
For men looking to let go of patterns that don’t work
and create a more purposeful, fulfilling life.
Staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst
Free initial consultation/flexible fees
256 - 0772
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
23

• Voice Male
Calendar
Please send all Calendar Listings
for events from December 1, 2006
(and beyond) to:
Voice Male Calendar
voicemale@mrcforchange.org
or mail to:
236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002
Fax (413) 253-4801
Deadline for Winter issue:
November 17, 2006
September 17 – Nyack, NY
Festival of Peace on the Hudson
Join the Fellowship for Reconciliation for
a fun, friendly and festive time at the organization’s
national headquarters. Celebrate
community and honor extraordinary peace
activists. The festival will include music,
dance, kids’ activities, raffles, and more.
Cost: Free
Location: 521 North Broadway
Info: www.forusa.org, 845-358-4601
September 17 – Agawam, MA
Out in the Park
Out in the Park presents its 10th anniversary
event at Six Flags New England. A
family friendly event with projected GLBT
attendees of over 10,000.
Cost: Tickets are $49.95 at the gates but
advance discount tickets will be available.
Location: Six Flags New England
Info: www.outinthepark.com,
www.sixflags.com/parks/newengland
September 20–22 – Charlotte, NC
Becoming Part of the Solution to End
Violence Against Women
Men and women from all communities
and professions are encouraged to
attend this second annual conference.
Sessions will include: The Man Box, Men’s
Accountability, The Politics of Oppression,
Building Coalitions, Networking and more.
Cost: $275
Location: Charlotte University Place Hilton
Info: www.acalltomen.com,
info@acalltomen.com, 845-354-2556
October 7 – Northampton, MA
Fourth Annual Men’s Walk to End Abuse
This Walk is organized by the Men’s
Resource Center for Change in observation
of Domestic Violence Awareness Month to
raise awareness of men’s responsibility to
end men’s violence against women. The
Walk is also a fund-raiser for the region’s
domestic violence programs, including the
MRC’s MOVE groups. This year’s goal is to
have 100 people raising $100 each to prevent
domestic violence in the Pioneer Valley.
Men, women and children are welcome.
Cost: Free (walkers are encouraged to
collect pledges)
Location: Unitarian Society (rally)
Info: www.mrcforchange.org,
gcraig@mrcforchange.org,
413-253-9887 ext. 16
October 13–15 – Rhinebeck, NY
Englightened Power: How Women Are
Changing the Way We Live
Discover how women are changing the
way we live, work and think. A weekend
of inspiring keynotes from speakers such
as Yolanda King and Gov. Ann Richards,
workshops, and a worldwide café conversation.
Men and women welcome.
Cost: $315
Location: Rhinebeck Campus
Info: www.eomega.org,
registration@eomega.org, 800-944-1001
October 18–20 – San Diego, CA
Women Peacemakers Conference
This international conference on genderinclusive
decision making for peace with
justice is co-convened by the Joan B. Kroc
Institute for Peace & Justice (IPJ) and the
United Nations Development Fund for
Women (UNIFEM). Working sessions will
let delegates engage with and learn from
one another and build cross-sector networks
and alliances.
Cost: (contact organizers)
Location: Joan B. Kroc Institute for Peace
& Justice, University of San Diego
Info: www.peace.sandiego.edu,
619-260-7509
October 28 – Easthampton, MA
Day of Meditation & Contemplation
for Men
The day, led by Chas & Ray DiCapua, will
consist of formal meditation instruction
and practice, as well as an opportunity to
contemplate, as men, the significance of
undertaking this practice. There will be a
scheduled time for questions, answers
and dialog.
Cost: Suggested donation of $20-$30
Location: Insight Meditation Center
of Pioneer Valley
Info: www.insightpv.org, 413-527-0388
November 7–9 – near Denver, CO
Elderhood: Giving and Receiving Blessings
Any man over 55 who is willing to face his
judgments, honor his shadows, open to the
support of his lineage, take the risk of creating
his own path, face his mortality, and
live his life for the good of the world soul is
welcome to participate.
Cost: $325–$450 (sliding scale—meals and
lodging included)
Location: retreat near Denver
Info: www.mensleadershipalliance.org,
info@mensleadershipalliance.org,
303-444-9066
November 10–12 – Bangor, PA
Making Whiteness Visible:
Working Toward a Multicultural Society
This is a weekend event for white folks and
people of color to recognize together the
effects of a socialization that has maintained
“whiteness,” keeping separation and racism
in place—and then commit to do something
about it. The retreat is led by Laurie
B. Lippin, Ph.D., Founder of Lippin &
Associates, a coaching and
consulting group.
Cost: $180 per person plus $30 for a
copy of Understanding Whiteness/Unraveling
Racism: Tools for the Journey. Room and
board: $175.
Location: Kirkridge Retreat Center
Info: www.kirkridge.org
November 16, 7 p.m, Amherst, MA
Boy I Am
Western Mass. premiere of Boy I Am, a film
exploring the lives of three young femaleto-male
(FTM) transsexuals, and featuring
conversations with lesbian activists some
of whom are concerned with the increasing
visibility of FTM people. A discussion
will follow the film. Co-sponsored by the
Stonewall Center, Everywoman’s Center,
Men’s Resource Center, UMass Women’s
Studies and the East Coast Female-to-
Male Group
Cost: Free
Location: 101 Campus Center,
University of Massachusetts
Info: 413-545-4824
November 29–30 – Lexington, KY
8th Ending Sexual Assault and
Domestic Violence Conference
This multidisciplinary conference is
designed to provide continuing education
to a wide variety of professionals, including
mental health care providers, advocates,
nurses, attorneys, educators, and law
enforcement officials. Workshops will cover
such areas as primary prevention strategies,
working with children, and enhancing
clinical skills.
Cost: TBA
Location: Marriott Griffin Gate Resort
Info: www.kasap.org, erecktenwald@kasap.
org, 502-226-2704
24

Looking to Connect?
Try the MRC’s Drop-in
MEN’S
SUPPORT
GROUPS
IN NORTHAMPTON
Open to all men.
Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM
Council on Aging, 240 Main St.
IN AMHERST
Open to all men.
Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC
IN GREENFIELD
Open to all men.
Wednesdays, 7-9 PM
Network Chiropractic,
DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail
FOR GAY, BISEXUAL &
QUESTIONING MEN
Open to all gay, bisexual,
gay-identified F-to-M trans men
& men questioning orientation
Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC
FOR MEN WHO HAVE
EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD
NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE
Open to all men who have
experienced any form of childhood
neglect and/or abuse
(physical, emotional or sexual)
Fridays, 7-8:45 PM, at the MRC
FACILITATED BY
TRAINED VOLUNTEERS
FREE & CONFIDENTIAL
MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER
236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST
(413) 253-9887, ext. 10
support@mrcforchange.org
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
25

• Voice Male
Thank You!
Publisher Says “Thank You!”
The Men’s Resource Center for Change,
publisher of Voice Male, receives community
support from near and far. Voice Male allows
us a public forum in which to thank the
hundreds of people who have shared our
inspiration and commitment, and contributed
their time, services, and money toward a vision
of personal and social transformation. We are
filledwithdeepgratitudeatthegenerosityofthe
individuals and businesses listed below.
Community Relations/Fundraising
Ben & Jerry’s, Amherst
Donated Space
Network Chiropractic, Greenfield
Northampton Council on Aging
Fathers & Family Network Program
Assistance
Susan J. Loehn, Alice Newton, Allison
Scobie-Lloyd, Haji Shearer
In-Kind Donations
Henion Bakery, Amherst
Loose Goose Café, Amherst
Interns
Rob Brezinsky, Malcolm Chu, Jack Ferris
MRC/Voice Male Volunteers
Susan Craig, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover,
Henry Lappen, Joe Leslie, Bob Mazer, Aviva
Okun, Tom Schuyt, Gary Stone
2006 Northampton Pride Rally Volunteers
Frank S., James R., Joe R., Mitch
Fathers & Families Field Day
Volunteers: David Abrami, Allan Arnaboldi,
David Boutilier, Susan Craig, Jan Eidelson,
Dot LaFratta, Mark Lantz, Joe Leslie, Aviva
Okun, Russ Pirkot, Sheldon Snodgrass,
Mitch Sorensen
Sponsors: Amherst Pediatrics, Bart’s
Homemade Ice Cream, Boston Red Sox
Foundation, Gold’s Gym – Amherst,
Dr. Stephen Jefferson
Other: Amherst Department of Public
Works, Groff Park
Special Events Planning Committee
Allan Arnaboldi, Gretchen Craig, Jan
Eidelson, Darren Engstrom, Mitch Sorensen
As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC
BoardofDirectorsfortheongoingguidanceand
support they give to this organization and all
who are a part of it. We are also grateful for all
of our staff, who regularly go above and beyond
the call of duty, and to our team of volunteer
support group facilitators, who every week
provide a safe space for men to come and talk
about their lives.
Book Review continued from page 16
toms. Levy discusses how adolescent
women have been led to believe that
pleasing men and boys sexually is the
only way to gain status and power. They
report that they don’t experience pleasure
from their sexual acts but they continue
to engage in them because they believe
that is their only mode of upward social
progression.
Ariel Levy shows us the effects of living
in a culture that glorifies the objectification
of women and the commercialization
and mainstreaming of sex. Under this
system, women do not gain freedom or
liberation; rather, they lose their credibility
as members of society. Levy does
not offer up suggestions of how to rectify
this cultural phenomenon, but she does
present various reasons as to why this
culture has emerged. By discovering the
root of the problem, perhaps solutions
can be identified and society can begin
the process of reeducation about what
sexuality means and the different ways it
can be expressed. And perhaps, through
this reeducation, a culture can emerge in
which women are free to express themselves
sexually in whatever way makes
sense to them, and in which women gain
power and social acceptance through
nonsexual means. VM
Aviva Okun is a psychology major graduating
from Goucher College in Baltimore later
this year. She last wrote for Voice Male as a
high school junior.
Conscious
Communication
October 5 - November 9
Amherst, MA
This Conscious Communication
class will help you learn to stay
connected and competent in the heat of
differences. Prior to the first class, individuals
can come in for a free introductory
workshop on Thursday,
September 28, from 6 to 8 pm.
Cost: $180 to $230
(sliding scale - includes all materials)
Location: Co-Housing Common House
Info: Karen Fogliatti: 978-544-3844,
karenmf@mindspring.com
Outlines continued from page 19
as I was with the concept of gay marriage,
they would be there supporting me.
Now came the time to ask the big question.
Would he say yes? On a crisp autumn
night in October, we made plans for a “date”
in Northampton. After purchasing a home
together we had spent almost all of our spare
time on renovation and updating projects, so
a date was something that was novel and one
we both looked forward to. We started out
with a nice dinner and then decided to walk
around Northampton and stop for drinks
along the way. Our first (and last!) stop was
the lounge in the old train station. I went to
the bar and ordered a couple of beers while
he went to find us some seating. Luckily a
couple of chairs in an intimate corner opened
up…and so did I. I returned with the beers,
we toasted each other, and I popped the
question. “I think we should marry,” I said.
“Would you marry me?” The answer was a
resounding yes, and the rest is history.
The next step was to share the news with
our families. The first to hear were my partner’s
daughter and her husband. They gave
us each a big hug and were ecstatic for us.
When we shared the news with my children
they were equally excited. Out of respect for
my ex-wife I shared our news with her and
she was emphatic: “I love you both and I’m
coming to the wedding!” We were blessed
with unanimous positive responses.
Our wedding day this past summer was
filled with the love with which we have been
showered by family and friends in and out
of the gay community. Our marriage is not
only a sign of our love for one another; it is
also a commitment to the cause: the cause
of equal rights for all GLBT people and the
right to marry whom one wants to marry.
This has had another positive consequence
for me: my political involvement in the fight
for marriage equality and the effort to preserve
this right in Massachusetts. We have
been afforded an important right by the
courts in this great state, and we all need to
work to make sure that right is preserved.
As a married gay man, I can tell you, the
stakes are high. VM
MitchSorensenistheexecutivevicepresidentof
S &SManagementServicesInc.,inBloomfield,
Conn. He has two grown children. Mitch and
husband Allan reside in Easthampton, Mass.
26

Men’s Resource Center for Change Programs & Services
Administrative Staff
Executive Director – Rob Okun
Development Coordinator – Gretchen Craig
Office Manager – Allan Arnaboldi
Financial Manager – Paula Chadis
Moving Forward
Director – Sara Elinoff-Acker
Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison – Steve Trudel
Partner Services Coordinator – Jan Eidelson
Anger Management Coordinator – Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator – Scott Girard
Group Leaders – Sara Elinoff-Acker, Karen Fogliatti,
Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta,
Susan Omilian, Bill Patten, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel
Support Services Coordinator –Tom Schuyt
Support Group Facilitators – Allan Arnaboldi,
Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Carl Erikson,
Tim Gordon, Jerry Levinsky, Gábor Lukács, Bob Mazer,
Tom Schuyt, Frank Shea, Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger
Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, Claude Tellier
Youth Programs Supervisor – Allan Arnaboldi
Board of Directors
Chair – Peter Jessop
Clerk/Treasurer – Charles Bodhi
Members – Gustavo Acosta, Jenny Daniell,
Tom Gardner, Yoko Kato, Gail Kielson, Jonathan Klate,
Tom Schuyt
Executive Director Emeritus – Steven Botkin
Main Office: 236 North Pleasant St. • Amherst,
MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801
Springfield Office: 29 Howard St. • Springfield,
MA 01105 • 413.734.3438
E-mail: mrc@mrcforchange.org
Website: www.mrcforchange.org
The mission of the Men’s Resource
Center for Change is to support men,
challenge men’s violence, and develop
men’s leadership in ending oppression
in our lives, our families, and
our communities.
Support Group Programs
■ Open Men’s Group
Sundays 7-9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office
Tuesdays 6:45-8:45 p.m. at the Council on
Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton.
Wednesdays 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network
Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.).
A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk
about their lives and to support each other.
■ Men Who Have Experienced Childhood
Abuse /Neglect
Specifically for men who have experienced
any kind of childhood abuse or neglect.
Fridays 7 - 8:30 p.m. at the MRC.
■ Gay, Bisexual & Questioning
Mondays 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC. A facilitated
drop-in group for gay, bisexual and questioning
men to talk about their lives and
support each other (not a discussion group).
Fathering Programs
■ A variety of resources are available —
Fathers and Family Network programs,
lawyer referrals, parenting resources, workshops,
presentations and conferences.
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10
Youth Programs
■ Young Men of Color Leadership Project
Amherst
■ Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations
and Consultations for Young Men and Youth-
Serving Organizations
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.33
Moving forward
Anger Management, domestic violence
intervention, youth violence prevention
■ Anger Management
Various times for 15-week groups for men,
women and young men at the MRC. For more
information, call (413) 253-9887 ext. 23
■ Domestic Violence Intervention
A state-certified batterer intervention prog
ram serves both voluntary and courtmandated
men who have been physically
violent or verbally/emotionally abusive.
Fee subsidies available.
■ Basic Groups
Groups for self-referred and court-mandated
men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol,
Belchertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.
■ Follow-up
Groups for men who have completed the
basic program and want to continue working
on these issues are available in Northampton,
Greenfield and Amherst.
■ Partner Services
Free phone support, resources, referrals and
weekly support groups are available for
partners of men in the MOVE program.
■ Prison Groups
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire
County Jail and House of Corrections.
■ Community Education and Training
Workshops and training on domestic violence
and clinical issues in batterer intervention
are available.
■ Speakers’ Bureau
Formerly abusive men who want to share
their experiences with others to help prevent
family violence are available to speak at
schools and human service programs.
■ Youth Violence Prevention
Services for teenage males who have been
abusive with their families, peers, or dating
partners. Contact: (413) 253-9588 ext.18
Workshops & training
■ Workshops available to colleges, schools,
human service organizations, and businesses
on topics such as “Sexual Harassment
Prevention and Response,” “Strategies and
Skills for Educating Men,” “Building Men’s
Community,” and “Challenging Homophobia,”
among other topics. Specific trainings and
consultations also available.
Publications
■ Voice Male
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine
includes articles, essays, reviews and resources,
and services related to men and masculinity.
■ Children, Lesbians and Men: Men’s Experiences
as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors
A 60-page manual which answers the questions
men have, with first-person accounts by
men and women “who have been there.”
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.16
Resource & Referral Services
■ Information about events, counselors,
groups, local, regional and national activities,
and support programs for men.
Contact: (413) 253-9887 ext.10
Speakers and Presentations
■ Invite new visions of manhood into your
university, faith community, community organizations.
Many topics including: “Manhood in
a Time of War”, “Fathering and Fatherhood.”
Contact: (413) 253-9887 Ext. 20
F a l l 2 0 0 6 •
27

AnEveningwithStevenSchoenberg
ACCLAIMED RECORDINGS:
Pianoworks
Three Days in May
•••
AWARD-WINNING FILM SCORES:
PBS (NOVA,SesameStreet)
Sundance Film Festival
Celebrate improvisational
pianist Steven Schoenberg’s long-awaited return to
the stage at a special concert to benefit the
Men’s Resource Center for Change.
Saturday, December 2, 8 P.M.
Sweeney Concert Hall
Smith College
Northampton, Mass.
•
A limited number of commemorative signed posters designed by renowned artist
Barry Moser will be available for purchase.
The concert will be recorded.
For more information, please call 413-253-9887 ext. 16 or write gcraig@mrcforchange.org.