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Feb. 20, 2012 - Indiana University Southeast

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the horizon<br />

Diversions<br />

Week of <strong>Feb</strong>. <strong>20</strong> , <strong>20</strong>12<br />

7<br />

Gary and Mike<br />

» by the horizon<br />

» illustration by Kasceio Niles<br />

The following articles<br />

were found on a flash drive<br />

in the wreckage of a time<br />

machine in the woods<br />

behind Knobview. Experts<br />

say the future is always in<br />

motion, so the following<br />

should be enjoyed for their<br />

entertainment value only.<br />

» March ₁₀, ₂₀₁₂: The recently<br />

opened Sherman<br />

Minton Bridge was temporarily<br />

closed today<br />

because of a prank.<br />

A driver called 911<br />

when she saw a “bunch<br />

of large bolts” scatter<br />

along the shoulder of<br />

the eastbound lanes.<br />

“The caller was<br />

concerned these bolts<br />

may have come from<br />

the bridge itself,” Adam<br />

Baum, 911 operator,<br />

said. “We can’t afford to<br />

take any chances.”<br />

Police said the bolts<br />

were not from the<br />

bridge. Judging by the<br />

large number of bolts,<br />

the police said the bolts<br />

were most likely a<br />

prank.<br />

“These types of<br />

bolts are usually used<br />

to make tree houses,”<br />

Bubba Cervesa, IUS<br />

Police commissioner,<br />

said, “and they can be<br />

bought at any hardware<br />

store, like Home Depot<br />

or Lowes.”<br />

No suspects have<br />

been found. The bridge<br />

has been open for three<br />

weeks and counting.<br />

» April ₅, ₂₁₁₀: The<br />

Student Government<br />

Association opened a<br />

vault today that has<br />

been sealed for more<br />

than 100 years.<br />

The vault was found<br />

in the corner of an unnamed<br />

administrator’s<br />

office. The combination<br />

has long been forgotten.<br />

“Apparently, nobody<br />

needed what’s inside of<br />

the vault for more than<br />

a century,” Geri Attrick,<br />

general studies senior<br />

and SGA press secretary,<br />

said. “We were all<br />

curious as to what its<br />

contents could be.”<br />

The vault was<br />

opened by a locksmith<br />

trained in safe cracking.<br />

“I used a crowbar,”<br />

Chris P. Cream, locksmith,<br />

said.<br />

The vault contained<br />

one box, labeled “Campus<br />

Traditions.”<br />

“It was fun to see<br />

what the campus traditions<br />

were more than<br />

100 years ago,” Attrick<br />

said. “Those were different<br />

times.”<br />

The box contained a<br />

dozen rubber eggs, the<br />

written rules to something<br />

called “Calvinball,”<br />

a tin pie plate and<br />

the bust of Sir Dwayne<br />

Pipe, former IUS chancellor.<br />

The bust of Pipe<br />

was missing its left ear.<br />

The right ear was well<br />

worn.<br />

“It makes you wonder,”<br />

Attrick said.<br />

May ₁₃, ₂₀₁₇: Gus has<br />

termites.<br />

The wooden statue of<br />

Gus the Grenadier was<br />

found to have major<br />

infestation of these<br />

wood-eating bugs.<br />

The statue was<br />

carved out of a<br />

1<strong>20</strong>-year-old white oak<br />

tree that was dying on<br />

campus and cut down.<br />

The statue was sealed<br />

in spring <strong>20</strong>11.<br />

“These must be<br />

super termites,” Oliver<br />

Klozov, biology sophomore,<br />

said.<br />

The statue has been<br />

removed from campus.<br />

Oct. ₃, ₂₀₂₀: IUS scientists<br />

have discovered a<br />

way to convert goose<br />

“waste” into energy.<br />

Using a process<br />

known as transmorgenergy,<br />

goose guano is<br />

converted into a usable<br />

fuel for electric generators.<br />

“We have been able<br />

to light the Life Sciences<br />

Building for a week<br />

using just the ‘material’<br />

we scrape off the<br />

sidewalks on campus,”<br />

Terry Aki, professor of<br />

alternative fuels, said.<br />

“Imagine what we can<br />

do with all the stuff<br />

from around the pond.”<br />

Harvesting around<br />

the IUS Lake has begun.

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