Feb. 20, 2012 - Indiana University Southeast
Feb. 20, 2012 - Indiana University Southeast
Feb. 20, 2012 - Indiana University Southeast
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the horizon<br />
Diversions<br />
Week of <strong>Feb</strong>. <strong>20</strong> , <strong>20</strong>12<br />
7<br />
Gary and Mike<br />
» by the horizon<br />
» illustration by Kasceio Niles<br />
The following articles<br />
were found on a flash drive<br />
in the wreckage of a time<br />
machine in the woods<br />
behind Knobview. Experts<br />
say the future is always in<br />
motion, so the following<br />
should be enjoyed for their<br />
entertainment value only.<br />
» March ₁₀, ₂₀₁₂: The recently<br />
opened Sherman<br />
Minton Bridge was temporarily<br />
closed today<br />
because of a prank.<br />
A driver called 911<br />
when she saw a “bunch<br />
of large bolts” scatter<br />
along the shoulder of<br />
the eastbound lanes.<br />
“The caller was<br />
concerned these bolts<br />
may have come from<br />
the bridge itself,” Adam<br />
Baum, 911 operator,<br />
said. “We can’t afford to<br />
take any chances.”<br />
Police said the bolts<br />
were not from the<br />
bridge. Judging by the<br />
large number of bolts,<br />
the police said the bolts<br />
were most likely a<br />
prank.<br />
“These types of<br />
bolts are usually used<br />
to make tree houses,”<br />
Bubba Cervesa, IUS<br />
Police commissioner,<br />
said, “and they can be<br />
bought at any hardware<br />
store, like Home Depot<br />
or Lowes.”<br />
No suspects have<br />
been found. The bridge<br />
has been open for three<br />
weeks and counting.<br />
» April ₅, ₂₁₁₀: The<br />
Student Government<br />
Association opened a<br />
vault today that has<br />
been sealed for more<br />
than 100 years.<br />
The vault was found<br />
in the corner of an unnamed<br />
administrator’s<br />
office. The combination<br />
has long been forgotten.<br />
“Apparently, nobody<br />
needed what’s inside of<br />
the vault for more than<br />
a century,” Geri Attrick,<br />
general studies senior<br />
and SGA press secretary,<br />
said. “We were all<br />
curious as to what its<br />
contents could be.”<br />
The vault was<br />
opened by a locksmith<br />
trained in safe cracking.<br />
“I used a crowbar,”<br />
Chris P. Cream, locksmith,<br />
said.<br />
The vault contained<br />
one box, labeled “Campus<br />
Traditions.”<br />
“It was fun to see<br />
what the campus traditions<br />
were more than<br />
100 years ago,” Attrick<br />
said. “Those were different<br />
times.”<br />
The box contained a<br />
dozen rubber eggs, the<br />
written rules to something<br />
called “Calvinball,”<br />
a tin pie plate and<br />
the bust of Sir Dwayne<br />
Pipe, former IUS chancellor.<br />
The bust of Pipe<br />
was missing its left ear.<br />
The right ear was well<br />
worn.<br />
“It makes you wonder,”<br />
Attrick said.<br />
May ₁₃, ₂₀₁₇: Gus has<br />
termites.<br />
The wooden statue of<br />
Gus the Grenadier was<br />
found to have major<br />
infestation of these<br />
wood-eating bugs.<br />
The statue was<br />
carved out of a<br />
1<strong>20</strong>-year-old white oak<br />
tree that was dying on<br />
campus and cut down.<br />
The statue was sealed<br />
in spring <strong>20</strong>11.<br />
“These must be<br />
super termites,” Oliver<br />
Klozov, biology sophomore,<br />
said.<br />
The statue has been<br />
removed from campus.<br />
Oct. ₃, ₂₀₂₀: IUS scientists<br />
have discovered a<br />
way to convert goose<br />
“waste” into energy.<br />
Using a process<br />
known as transmorgenergy,<br />
goose guano is<br />
converted into a usable<br />
fuel for electric generators.<br />
“We have been able<br />
to light the Life Sciences<br />
Building for a week<br />
using just the ‘material’<br />
we scrape off the<br />
sidewalks on campus,”<br />
Terry Aki, professor of<br />
alternative fuels, said.<br />
“Imagine what we can<br />
do with all the stuff<br />
from around the pond.”<br />
Harvesting around<br />
the IUS Lake has begun.