1008 July 19-Aug 1, 2013 - Metropolis

THE NEGI
ALL THE NEWS,
THAT PROBABLY ISN’T
by Kevin Cooney
MAN SUSPECTS
HOSTESS MIGHT NOT
ACTUALLY LIKE HIM
A tense three-hour summit between customer
Nakunaru Kane and hostess Nise
Chibusa negotiating his “most favored
customer” status came to a halt when Mr.
Kane suspected he might not actually be her
favorite customer. Citing fears over his large
underwriting of infrastructure, structural
reform costs for increased breast sizes, longer
hair extensions and a Chihuahua, Mr.
Nakunaru explained to The Negi, “While we
understand funding Ms. Nise is a benefit to
all concerned, we fear that other outside parties
may seek to take advantage of, or benefit
from, our long term investment in this mutually
beneficial relationship. We hope future
negotiations will allow a longer-term strategic
partnership with a better understanding
of our mutually-respected goals.
A spokesperson for Ms. Nisa explained,
“One-hour, ¥5,000, two-drink minimum.”
Talks were rescheduled for a week Saturday
evening to be held at Chiba’s Innocent
Sunflower Girls Bar and Karaoke Pub.
AMERICAN ANIME TOURIST
UNIMPRESSED BY 3D JAPAN
While Japan has become a once in a lifetime Mecca for millions
of anime, manga and video game fans from across the
globe, recently arrived American tourist Jill Galibrand has
given the country low marks when presented in 3D. Her love
of all things in 2D Japan apparently suffers in comparison
to reality. The 18-year-old explained, “I had dreamed for so
many years of one day standing at Hachiko station in Harajuku
City and looking out at the country I planned to one day
live forever in. Now I realize, you can’t smell animation.”
Dressed head to toe in her Comicon award-winning
Sailor Moon outfit, she lamented how few people seemed
to be in the spirit of things. “I was, like, one of the only
people who seemed to put any thought into my costume.
Everyone was dressed like business people or just... I don’t
know... people. I mean, don’t they know this is Japan?”
Her hopes were brightened by the fact that day two of
her tour included a visit to the world famous Akihabara
district. “Akihabara sounds really awesome. Some guy
who came over to compliment me on my thigh-high
stockings told me all about these great places in Akihabara
where I can see awesome Japanese women
wearing all kinds of different outfits!"
JAPAN TO ELECT NEW GUY TO DO
SOMETHING, BUT PROBABLY NOT
As the election heats up between rival factions of Japan’s
political elite, literally dozens of people are interested.
Across the nation vans circle the streets trumpeting election
messages from candidates and white-gloved women
wave from the windows. One analyst explained the
unique Japanese tradition by saying, “In Europe or America,
political messages may be dissected on the 24-hour
news channels with nothing but unhealthy vitriol and
squabbles, but in Japan we know that nothing explains a
complicated political platform better than a bodiless arm
waving out of the side of a moving vehicle at 8am with a
scratchy speaker shouting the candidate’s name.”
Already accusations of election tampering are being
heard from both sides, with members of the DPJ and LDP
both accusing their opponents of “glove bleaching”—a process
by which supporters gloves are soaked overnight in
bleach to make them look particularly clean while waving.
Third, fourth and fifth party candidates are also getting
into the mix, with the report of yet another new party
being announced, the “Uyoku Japan-First Nationalist
Singles Party.” A spokesman for this new ultra-rightwing
party explained to The Negi, “We stand for a strong
and unified Japan with regard to the modification of
the constitution and national sovereignty. So if you are
single, like dancing, the emperor and want to hang out
on a street corner or drive around in a black van playing
nationalist songs, we’re having a party this Saturday
night at The Cove Club in Yotsuya.
GROPER UPSET BY TRAIN DELAY
At 7:14am this past Friday, the south bound Saikyo line
express train was delayed by a suicide resulting in a
45-minute delay along one of Tokyo’s most important
commuter routes. Many morning commuters expressed
frustration by the extended delays, including avid train
chikan Oshiri Daisuke of Saitama. Though technically not
late for anything in particular, Mr. Oshiri explained that
the delay meant that it would be at least 45 minutes before
he would be pressed against unwilling commuters of all
ages and genders.
“Seriously, the selfishness of people is just amazing.
Did that person think for one moment before throwing
himself in front of the train the effect he would have on my
day? It’s the ultimate breach of manners... I even wore my
super thin sweat pants today.”
The set back, however, did not dissuade the highly
determined Oshiri. He even found a silver lining, telling
The Negi, “With the long delay, this train will be even more
crowded.”
Brought to you by TOKYO COMEDY STORE
Next show: July 26 at Crocodile in Shibuya
www.tokyocomedy.com
The Negi has returned to Metropolis! Look for it every other issue.
News in Brief
Local Residents
Report Foreign Man
Can Use Chopsticks
Armless Foreign
Tourist Impressed by
Japanese Taxis
22-year-old
Shopping in
Forever21 Not As Sad
as 42-year-old
Japan Lobbies to
Have “Walking in
Ridiculous Heels” part
of 2016 Olympics
“Authentic” British
Pub Doesn’t Sell Curry
Shinzo Abe, a big fan of The Negi,
both are back. Coincidence?
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