Alumni Serious about Offering Freedom from Sexual Addiction

his name to a project, it carries a lot of weight with me. The
more I’ve learned about [FBH], the more I can see it stands the
potential to impact and help not only me personally, but also so
many people on so many different levels.”
Mercadante plans to promote the material and implement it
in his congregation in Hawaii.
At the reception he attended, Mercadante discovered that
contemporary Christian artists Rush of Fools is teaming up with
FBH. In the spirit of ministry and philanthropy that many bands
are exercising today, Rush of Fools decided last year that FBH
would be their ministry of choice to promote and support.
“The young men in the band are so passionate,” Mercadante
said. “I was touched by the commitment and dedication shown
by the band and by Bryson [Moore]. It’ll be a great blessing to
God’s people.”
Kevin Huguley, Rush of Fools guitarist and songwriter, said
that the band is committed to what FBH is trying to do. In an
interview with Christian music web site CM Central, Huguley
discussed the band’s involvement with FBH, saying that none of
the band members have struggled with sexual addictions.
“But we’ve all been affected by it, in our churches, and
in friends and leaders we’ve seen fall,” he said. “Nobody is
talking about these issues. Marriage and sexuality are not being
portrayed as God intended through this crisis, and a whole
generation is observing this distortion.”
During the spring, Rush of Fools traveled with the Christian
band The Newsboys as part of the “Go” tour, and they spent
time promoting FBH at the FBH receptions.
“We’re looking forward to bringing this issue forward from
the stage on our next tour,” Huguley said. “Right now we’re
The FBH team at Gray Communications
includes (left to rigth) Kelly Craghead,
Michael Denison ’04, Todd Robertson,
Bryson Moore ’03, Bob Schermacher ’88,
Steve Snediker ’88, Jamie Gray, Gary
Gray ’86, Tyler Kidd ’06, and Jonathan
Griesse ’93.
meeting with pastors and others in the coffee shops to share the
heart of the ministry. But the next tour will involve a Freedom
Begins Here presentation during the show.”
As developers and promoters of the
FBH materials, the group at Gray Communications
has heard horror stories of pornography use. They’ve received
e-mails ranging from a description of an 8-year-old’s use of
pornography to a confession from a man who was on the brink
of suicide because of his addiction.
“It transcends the thought that this [project] is a business
process,” Snediker said. “It’s a war and we’ve been given the
privilege to create a new weapon. We’re facing an enormous
crisis and we don’t understand the ramifications and results of
what we are into.”
Day-in, day-out, the workers at Gray Communications
are constantly refining the FBH material, hoping to improve,
broaden, and sharpen their work. They are looking into possible
future endeavors, such as a prevention toolkit for youth, a toolkit
for group studies, and a toolkit for spouses of people who struggle
with pornography addictions. Gray said that all those involved
with the project have worked longer hours, put in more effort,
and felt more connected to this project than any other.
“We’ve been exposed to a hurting world and have played a
part in taking steps toward healing it,” Gray said.
The men and women at Gray Communications have a
unified vision for FBH: to tear down the walls in the church
that muffle the cries of too many people struggling with sexual
addiction and to proclaim the truth that there is a way to break
free. •
Perspectives On ...
Becoming Teammates with Your Spouse
Can you name the devil’s greatest ploy to
cause trouble in relationships I’d like to
suggest two words: power struggle. In
every power struggle, spouses become
adversaries; they take up opposing
positions. And as soon as a husband and
a wife set themselves up as antagonists,
Satan knows they will destroy each other.
So if that’s true—if a struggle for
power gives the devil a ridiculously easy
way to bring strife and disharmony to a
marriage—then what kind of strategy
can we use to effectively counter such a
ploy “How about a ‘win/win’ solution”
someone suggests. When everybody wins,
power struggles tend to evaporate. Ideally,
we all want win/win solutions.
But when a win/win solution looks
impossible to achieve, too many of us
settle for what we see as a win/lose option.
Not the best, we think, but at least it’s
not the worst, either. In other words, we
compromise.
When we opt for the win/lose
approach, however, we don’t really get
one winner and one loser. In fact, we wind
up with two losers. There is no such thing
as a win/lose in a marriage. Everybody
6 steps
wins or everybody loses, period. There
is no other option, because people in a
marriage are on the same team. If Jimmy
and Susie both play for the same baseball
team, it is impossible for Jimmy to win
and Susie to lose. Either both win or both
lose. If one person in the marriage loses,
then both people in the marriage lose.
This is how marriage works. The
problem is, we just don’t know it!
I encourage you to begin doing things
in a new way by establishing what a good
friend of mine, Dr. Robert Paul, calls
a “No Losers Policy.” In a No Losers
Policy, couples agree that it will never be
acceptable for either of them to walk away
from any interaction feeling as if they had
lost. Each spouse has to feel good about
the solution.
To make this work for you, you may
have to come up with a different definition
of winning. If you make winning about
getting your own way—in any way,
shape or form—you’re still locked into
the old pattern and are still headed for the
relationship rocks.
Remember, you’re part of a team.
Therefore you have to redefine winning
to aNo Losers
Policy
1. Establish a “No Losers Policy.” Remember you’re on the same team.
Just keeping this in mind can change the way you treat one another as
you communicate and negotiate.
2. Take time to understand what the win is for each person. Ask, “I
know you want to do “X” but I’m not sure I understand why that is so
important. Help me understand why that is a win for you.”
3. Pause, pray, and seek God’s will. God may have an opinion.
Wouldn’t His answer be the best Some conflicts resolve at this point,
when you discern God’s leading on the issue.
4. From a place of unity, brainstorm possible win/win solutions.
Once you each understand where the other person is coming from, you
can begin to generate ideas that have the potential of being win/win
solutions.
5. Pick one and implement a course of action that both of you feel good
about.
6. Evaluate and rework if necessary. Sometimes you find a solution that you
both like until you actually try it out. If at any point, the solution feels
like a loss for someone, then your team will lose. Simply rework the steps
and find another solution that you both feel great about.
by Greg Smalley, Psy.D.
as finding and implementing a solution
that both people can feel good about. A
winning solution goes beyond a plan of
attack that seems merely acceptable or
tolerable to you both. That’s compromise,
and compromises rarely make anyone feel
good.
A win/win solution makes both people
feel good, gives positive movement to
the marriage, and leaves it in a different
(and better) place than it was before. You
also tend to relax when winning becomes
finding and implementing a solution that
both people can feel good about. Why
Because you don’t have to worry about
the other person being willing to accept a
solution that makes him or her feel bad.
The apostle Paul labored to get his
young churches to understand this basic
principle. In passage after passage he pled
with them to cooperate, to work together,
to find solutions that benefited everyone.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or
vain conceit,” he told one church, “but
in humility consider others better than
yourselves. Each of you should look not
only to your own interests, but also to the
interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long
way toward creating the kind of marriage
that yields joy and satisfaction rather than
grief and frustration. It’s worked for my
wife and me, and it can work equally well
for you. ■
Greg Smalley, Psy.D., is the Director of Marriage
Ministries for the Center for Relationship
Enrichment at JBU and is an assistant professor.
He serves on the teaching team at Fellowship Bible
Church (Lowell) and helps lead marriage seminars
around the world. He has appeared on TV and radio
programs and is the author or co-author of nine books.
14 Brown Bulletin Summer 2008 Brown Bulletin Summer 2008 15