r Students - Vertigo

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two thousand and eleven worDs kAte AllAn 14 IssuE 7 VERTIGO
julia GillaRd’s appointment was not onlY a GReat leap foRwaRd foR women in austRalian politics, but an enoRmous stRide foR the otheR pReviouslY maltReated sectoR of the population: Redheads. what effect will this have on austRalia? how the hell am i supposed to know? what, You think we’ve Got a time machine to telepoRt contRibutoRs into the futuRe to comment on the chanGinG political landscape foR veRtiGo aRticles? the answeR is Yes. prime minster julia Gillard has dubbed the year ‘Crimson Eleven’. It doesn’t have quite the same ring as ‘Kevin 07’ but no one has the guts to tell that to the Prime Minster. Inside the newly-painted red walls of parliament house, Gillard pulls back a crimson curtain, running her fingers through her fiery locks and gazing out at her dominion. The buildings, footpaths and roads are all as red as blood. Each blade of grass, each leaf on each tree, has been painted burgundy. Swimming pools, dams and lakes have been dyed a more suitable colour, and the ocean is barricaded off until scientists discover an alternate method by which to transform its hostile blue. Even now, red food colouring does not come cheap. The cabinet has undergone a major overhaul, with Ronald McDonald impersonators, the actors who played the Weasley kids and Ginger Spice replacing most of the incumbent politicians. Along with this, a new portfolio has been introduced— Ginger Proliferation and Upkeep—for which none other than Julia Gillard’s partner, Tim Mathieson, is serving as minister. A former hairdresser, Mathieson oversees the systematic hairdyeing of the population. Those who resist are sent to The Electric-Red Chair, a device to which the victim is shackled and forced to undergo a lengthy hair treatment. The treatment is designed to transform the victim’s hair into a shade of flaming red so harsh that the human eye begins bleeding (a pleasing shade) instantly at the very sight of it. These outcasts of society are banished to uninhabitable tracts of central Australia with a week’s rations and a hand-mirror. Their rate of survival is unknown. The Arts have suffered tremendously under Gillard’s tyranny. The debate over whether Nicole Kidman is naturally blonde or a redhead has led to a ban on films starring anyone other than Lindsay Lohan, with a subsequent moratorium on film production until Lohan completes her custodial sentence. The music industry has fared little better as the already-overplayed Florence and the Machine dominates the radio waves, with occasional interludes from Rick Astley and his ‘80s hit, ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. Multiculturalism is a thing of the past. Anyone with a complexion that doesn’t shrivel in the sun chooses to flee the country rather than endure the horrid clash of hair and skin tones. Leichhardt is a ghost town. The average diet consists mainly of vegemite sandwiches and haggis. On the bright side, the problem of population growth need no longer be addressed in a nation consisting entirely of red-headed citizens. Orangutans are integrated into the educational system. The alphabet and simple addition are not introduced in the syllabus until high school, as the orangutans must be rigorously trained to speak and interact. Gay marriage has not yet been legalised, but it is now perfectly acceptable for humans to marry orangutans. A brief scandal erupts when Gillard emerges from her office with an orangutan intern and stains on her blue powersuit. Mathieson stands by her in spite of the lascivious rumours. There is little that society can do to alter this bleak vision of the future, for the alternative could be far, far worse. Besides, doubt has been cast over whether the Leader of the Opposition would abolish the new policies at all. He appreciates the fact that his hair now matches his budgie smugglers. . VERTIGO IssuE 7 15
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