r Students - Vertigo

2 IssuE 7 VERTIGO
EDITORIAL
Fellow Students,
I wish I could welcome you warmly back for another semester. I
wish I could spruik to you the many advantages of a rich and varied
involvement in campus activities. I wish I could speak to you of
Spring, of renewal, of promise, of blooming and youth and creatures
that chirp, and of how this semester will for sure be the semester
you finally get a girl/boyfriend. But no. Instead, it falls to me, in my
one private editorial as an indentured labourer for the Students’
Association, to fulfil a much grimmer and more serious duty.
A criminal walks among us. This criminal moves silently, stealthily,
tearing at the already ragged fabric of our community. Laughing
and lying. Lying and laughing.
I am talking, of course, about the cold-blooded fucker who last
semester not only stole the communal stapler from the Building 2
IT Desk, but then, seeing that they’d replaced it, waited until nobody
was watching, and (I just know it was the same person) stole
it again! As a result of which all of us who printed our assessments
in that general area had to go trekking around in a panic trying to
find a stapler elsewhere. And if that wasn’t enough, then we had to
do it again when Stapler #2 went missing!
Just who do you think you are, person? What makes your
personal stapling needs so urgent that you would deprive literally
thousands of your peers of their much needed staples? Or are you
just such a merry fucking prankster, so busy chortling at your own
goddamned pathetic little joke, that it doesn’t matter if nobody
laughs with you? Or is it perhaps that you hate our freedom?
Well, in semester two, up with this sociopath I shall not put. I
am hereby, on behalf of the Vertigo team, putting out a reward notice:
information leading to a positive ID of the culprit and the dismantling
of whatever criminal syndicates he/she may belong to will
attract a $50 cash reward and a full-page, handsomely airbrushed
colour photo of the snitch, captioned UTS’s Favourite Snitch!
Justice will be served.
In the meantime, please enjoy Vertigo Issue 7. We have worked
hard on it while you were relaxing, travelling, seeing Inception
again, or losing your winter flub in preparation to attract that new
boy/girlfriend. We are now tired. But herein you shall find an expanded
version of our beloved Defamer section, poetry by Julian
Dibley-Hall that’ll melt your face, a horrifying dystopian vision of
our nation’s future under ginger leadership, and a scathing reflection
on the awfulness of some movies you have quite stupidly
been enjoying. And that makes us happy. Haggard but happy.
Tallyho,
– Jason
LETTER TO ThE EDITORs
CeASe And deSIST
We read the recent article by Ben Squires
referring to students being at risk of having
“too much fun” in the library. We are deeply
disturbed by this revelation and demand
that this behaviour ceases immediately. If
students continue to have fun—dancing in
the elevator, writing on the walls in Create
Space, drawing flowers on the Smartboard,
looking at Facebook and drinking coffee in
an armchair, gossiping in group discussion
rooms or having a snooze in the silent study
room—staff will no longer be able to enjoy
these activities during working hours. In fact,
staff are so disgruntled about students having
fun, we’re considering returning to the
previous regime described in Ben Squires’
nostalgic article.
As for Malcolm Crawford, we remember
him well, our inspiration and master. His
shrine is in the staff tearoom and is worshipped
regularly.
Yours sincerely,
– Blake liBrarians