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New Year, Better Relationships Relationship expert Michelle Skeen shares six essential communication skills for healthy relationships from her book, Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. By Rachel Merriman Self-disclosure. “It’s difficult for us to feel vulnerable. We feel like we won’t get hurt if we don’t let someone know who we really are. Sometimes, though, we expose too much too soon. There are certain people who are not going to be appropriate to share our innermost thoughts with. Go at a good pace. Ultimately, the goal is to make connections by showing parts of yourself that aren’t perfect but make you an imperfectly perfect person, like we all are.” Listening. “When we feel vulnerable or fearful, often our past experiences come to the surface. We get so overtaken by memories that we’re not listening to what the other person is saying; we’re busy predicting what they’re saying. If you’re overwhelmed emotionally, say, ‘Can we have this conversation another time when I’m not so upset’ Another strategy is to repeat what you think someone is saying back to them so they have the opportunity to say, ‘Actually, that’s not what I was trying to say.’ We all communicate differently, so clarification is really important.” Need exprESSion. “The key to need expression is identifying whether a need is a present need or a need from your past that didn’t get met. It can be damaging to put all of your past needs on your current relationships, so it’s important to identify what your present needs are and communicate them clearly. You also can’t have the expectation that one person is going to meet every need. Not that your partner can’t be your best friend, but you have to be careful about how much pressure you put on one person.” 80 | Austin <strong>Woman</strong> | JanuarY 2015 Empathy. “When you’re feeling difficulty making that empathic connection, imagining that other person as a child makes it easier to find an emotional connection that will allow you to at least understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. It’s also a tool I use for people to create self-compassion. We’re our own worst critics; the things we say to ourselves can be so harsh.” Validation. “Validation helps create a healthy cycle of communication. Whether you agree with someone or not, you can say, ‘Yes, I hear what you’re saying, and I understand why you would be upset about this.’ If the other person feels like you’re hearing them and that you appreciate what they’re sharing with you, they’ll share more, and start to give you the same validation.” The apology. “To many people, apologizing means that you’re weak. It’s easy to go to a place of judgment because we are certain we wouldn’t have gotten our feelings hurt, but people get hurt by different things. Even if you don’t think that you did anything wrong, you know from what someone is telling you that they’re hurt by something you did. An apology needs to be sincere, and the wording is important. You can’t say, ‘I’m sorry that you think what I did hurt your feelings.’ That’s distancing yourself from the experience. Instead, say, ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Now that I have this information, I’ll try not to do it again.’ ” Michelle SkEEn’s advice on how to have a better relationSHip with… YOUR SPOUSE/ SIGNIFICANT other: “Make a habit of acknowledging every time they do something you like (even if it’s something they do all the time) rather than pointing out the things you don’t like.” YOUR children: “Listen and respond without judgment. We want to be there for them, and sometimes we’ll be ready with a solution or impose our views on them rather than listening and understanding.” YOUR parents: “Have empathy for your parents. Whatever they did (unless in the case of abuse), have the underlying belief that they did the best they could do with their limited experiences and resources at the time.” YOUR boss: “Everyone gets nervous when they have a meeting with their boss. Your mind can race and it’s easy to get defensive. Be relaxed and listen really well to their feedback.” YOUR CO-WORKERS: “Maintain boundaries. So often, we become friends with the people we work with, but make sure that you don’t mix business talk with pleasure, or mix pleasure talk with business.” Yourself: “Practice self-compassion. Until we can truly develop compassion for ourselves, our compassion for other people is not as sincere.” For more information about Love Me, Don’t Leave Me and Michelle Skeen, visit michelleskeen.com.
Listen to Your Heart and Take the Big Leap HOW to be happier in your WORK and know when it’s TIME to make a change. By Laura Jack When I was a little girl, my mom asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. My response, “I want to be happy,” is the same answer I would give today. One of the secrets to my happiness has been following my heart, and as a transformational life coach, I have found that those who are happiest in their work and lives have learned the art of listening to their hearts. Unfortunately, following your heart isn’t always easy or clear. We are taught early on to be socialized, follow the rules, make our parents proud, work hard, be contributing members of society, get married, have kids and to have a career that supports us. But what happens when we don’t do what we have been taught We disappoint, and disappointment is often worse than anger. In this socialization period, we often forget how to listen to what our heart wants. However, losing sight of our purpose, our calling, our heart’s desire is certainly the fastest way to wake up halfway through life full of regret. Whether you are entering the job market for the first time, returning after time away or changing careers, one thing remains the same: Following your heart is the way to live in alignment with your purpose. While it may not be easy, it is certainly worth it, not only for you, but also for the people you love, as they are also affected by your happiness and/or misery. How do you learn what your heart wants When it comes to finding your calling, my favorite questions come from the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. They are: 3 What do I most love to do I love it so much that I can do it for long stretches of time without getting tired or bored. 3 What work do I do that doesn’t seem like work 3 In my work, what produces the highest ratio of abundance and satisfaction to amount of time spent 3 What is my unique ability Yes, we all have at least one. The first step to finding your calling is to answer these questions. If these are hard for you, begin by taking the Myers Briggs Personality Test to give some insight into your strengths and weaknesses. The next step I would encourage you to take is to reach out to your closest friends and family members and ask, “What am I doing when I am the happiest” Don’t argue with them. Just listen. In The Huffington Post article The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying by Joe Martino, we discover that the top regret of the dying is, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” Since we don’t know how much time we have on this earth, why wait to follow your heart or live a life true to yourself If we wait to get permission from our boss, spouse, parents or friends to live the life we desire, we may end up waiting a lifetime. We all deserve to live in what Hendricks calls the Zone of Genius, and live a life full of joy, purpose and passion. Underneath what we “should” do, we all have the ability to connect with our hearts and find our calling. Don’t wait for permission to take the leap and begin your journey to live the life you desire. Time for a Change Five qUESTIONS to ask your- SELF to decide if it’s time to TRANSFORM your life. 1 Is there any part of your current work situation you enjoy Hint: If so, can you do more of that If not, it is time to begin your search. 2 If money or job title were not the focus, what would you do with your time Hint: If it isn’t what you are doing now, it may be time to begin looking for your purpose. 3If you were to make a change, who in your life would be affected, both positively and negatively Hint: If what you do is making you miserable, the people in your life are affected by your misery as well. 4 What might you lose that you value if you were to follow through with finding your purpose Hint: This very well may be the reason you are afraid to walk away. 5 If you were to look back at the story of your life, would you be happy with the way it looks right now Hint: You only get one life. How do you want to spend it ADDITIONAL RESOURCES: Myers BriGGS Personality Test: humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp The Top Five ReGRets of the Dying: huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/03/top- 5-regrets-of-the-dying_n_3640593.html lAura JACk CoACHing: laurajack.com austinwomanmagazine.com | 81
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Contents january 45 Photo by Niki J
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New Year’s resolution done right.
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From the publisher Last year, at th
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EXPERTS IN BETTER DIVORCES DIVORCE
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White is not the only fashionable c
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ON THE SCENE kristy’s top 10 Janu
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6. Photo courtesy of Whole Foods Ma
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Page 33 and 34: Must List Photo courtesy of Sage Hi
Page 35 and 36: GET YOUR PHOTO GEAR TODAY @ TEXAS
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Page 39 and 40: The Dyezz HomeControl online portal
Page 41 and 42: CALL FOR A free ESTIMATE BLUE LUX F
Page 43 and 44: Best of the Blogs choice selection
Page 45 and 46: endless summer COLLECTION AWARD WIN
Page 47 and 48: STYLE winter trends FROZEN Take you
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Page 56 and 57: Home guilty pleasure Lap of luxury
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Page 62 and 63: Specializing in Quality of Life & H
Page 64 and 65: Wellness Thick and Tired: Maintaini
Page 66 and 67: From ACC to saving lives. Wow! Rock
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Page 72 and 73: On Style My style changes all of th
Page 74 and 75: Five-minute Q&A With Camila Alves A
Page 78 and 79: Your Year to SHINE How to have the
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Page 95 and 96: ® An annual event highlighting the
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