Download ADVENTIST WORLD as a PDF - RECORD.net.au

the discussion off topic, which leads
further away from resolution of the
current issue.
4. Overgeneralizing
When we use sentences such as
“you are always late” or “you never
call,” we really need to stop and consider
if this is really truth or exaggeration.
Using sweeping general statements
only serves to blow a situation
out of proportion.
5. Silent treatment/ignoring
Refusing to speak—not just of the
conflict, but not to speak at all—is one
of the worst mistakes to make. This
approach only infuriates the other
person and bottles up thoughts and
feelings that will most likely be
released later in an explosive manner.
6. Becoming physically abusive
Physical abuse presents the most
serious cause for concern. It introduces
a dangerous and violent
dynamic to the relationship in which
one person becomes the aggressor
and the other, the victim. This makes
the conflict much more difficult to
resolve and threatens the entire
future of the relationship. It is also
unacceptable.
A Better Way
How then, can we appropriately
resolve conflict? Appropriate conflict
resolution honors God and respects
the rights, opinions, and feelings of
the other individual. Here are a few
ideas to appropriately and successfully
resolve conflict:
1. Define the problem.
When the problem is clearly
defined, it keeps the discussion focused
and the conversation productive.
2. Listen intently and with an
open mind.
Usually in a conflict situation we
are so focused on proving our point
that we fail to listen intently with an
open mind to what the other person is
saying. We then miss out on perhaps
gaining another perspective and solution
to the problem.
3. Ask clarifying questions.
When we listen intently, no doubt
questions will arise. Clarifying points
demonstrates to the other person that
you are really listening and that you
value their input.
4. Restate what the other person
has said.
Once you have clarified matters and
you feel you have a clear understanding
of the other person’s point of view,
restate their opinion in your own words.
This not only ensures that you truly
understand their perspective, but it
demonstrates to the other individual
that you respect their views.
5. Do not interrupt.
When the other person is speaking,
be careful not to interrupt. If you are
fearful that you will forget, jot down
your thoughts and share them when
it is your turn to speak. After you have
restated the other person’s perspective,
then you share yours. In turn, the
other individual should follow the
same steps in understanding your
perspective.
6. Treat others with respect.
As you listen and present your
point of view, it should be done with
respect for the other person’s feelings
and opinions. Interrupting, ignoring,
yelling, and belittling do little to
resolve anything.
Honoring God
As Christians we seek to honor
God in all our interactions. Sometimes
we forget to do this when we
are dealing with our families and the
complexity of our relationships with
them. However, our families are one
of the greatest gifts God has given us,
and treating them with love and
respect brings great honor to Him.
When we contemplate whether our
behavior is honoring God, it positively
impacts our approach to conflict.
In Proverbs 15:1 He reminds us: “A
soft answer turns away wrath, but a
harsh word stirs up anger.” The tone
in which we speak and the words we
use greatly impact our outcomes. Soft
tones and considerate words calm and
diffuse tough situations.
As we struggle with our propensity
to engage in unhealthy approaches to
conflict, the Word of God directs us to
self-awareness through surrender to
God. We need to cry out with the
psalmist: “Search me, O God, and know
my heart; try me, and know my anxieties”
(Ps. 139:23). The words that we
speak are merely a reflection of what is
in our hearts (Matt. 12:34). As we allow
God to search our hearts, He will point
out to us those things that hurt us and
cause us to explode in anger.
There certainly are times when
conflicts seem insurmountable and all
our attempts to resolve them fail. In
those moments we should not be
ashamed to seek counsel from trusted
clergy or a Christian counselor who
can provide an impartial perspective.
The Bible states: “Where there is no
counsel, the people fall; but in the
multitude of counselors there is
safety” (Prov. 11:14).
As adults, we set the tone for the
relational health of our family. How we
respond in conflict serves as a witness
not only to our children, but to others.
Let us endeavor to resolve conflict
God’s way, so that we can bring honor
and glory to Him in all things. ■
Karen Birkett Green,
M.S.W., L.M.S.W., L.C.S.W.,
is a counselor and
freelance writer residing
in Charlotte, North Carolina, United States.
She and her husband, Xavier, are founders
of ZavKay Family Services, an organization
dedicated to strengthening families and
churches through seminar presentations.
August 2012 | Adventist World 15