Vol. 5, No. 4 - Psychiatric Survivor Archives of Toronto
Vol. 5, No. 4 - Psychiatric Survivor Archives of Toronto
Vol. 5, No. 4 - Psychiatric Survivor Archives of Toronto
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I<br />
jumped<br />
<strong>of</strong>f<br />
the<br />
truck,<br />
rolled once,<br />
twice, and got to my feet<br />
running, running /Atalanta from Her suitors/deer from hunters/hare from<br />
hounds, running, and the power filling me, fear gone into overdrive and if I<br />
reach the corner I'll be free and it's coming up fast I can see it rushing up to meet<br />
me and angels are singing on the other side and the Heavenly Umpire is<br />
crouched at home plate as she rounds third and the blue-eyed bull throws the<br />
golden apple at the back <strong>of</strong> her head - my head - and the main switch is pulled<br />
and I'm touching home plate anyway is it too late last chance going, going<br />
Gone. They're all gone. The big wooden doors are locked. I pull the handle<br />
again and again. I weep. I want to go to the side door but I can't because if I let go<br />
the door once having touched it I will surely become undead and the vampire<br />
with my love's eyes is watching me like an idol watches his worshipper will<br />
you bow down girl will you bow down and taste my wormwood and swallow my<br />
gall and drink <strong>of</strong> my bitterness?<br />
-<strong>No</strong>, I won't, I say.<br />
-Won't what?<br />
-You know. You know. All right, we might as well 'fess up. I know you know I<br />
know who and what you are.<br />
-I don't know what you're talking about.<br />
I must hang on to the church door till dawn I must hang on to the church door<br />
till dawn or he'll have my soul I must hang on to the church door till dawn or he'll<br />
have my soul and I will become evil I must hang on to the<br />
-Get away from me! (I'm screaming at him I don't know why)<br />
(He begins to weep)<br />
-Just get away from me! Leave me alone!<br />
(He weeps)<br />
-Why are you crying? (I touch his face bright tears glitter in the streetlamp)<br />
-Because I don't want to leave you I want to be with you I really really do Liane<br />
I (His face tilts up and I see the tears more <strong>of</strong> them maybe they're crocodile tears<br />
but I'll take the chance)<br />
Minus IV. Dawn<br />
Tim goes over to the police cruiser as I kneel facing the door and pray our<br />
father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be<br />
done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our<br />
trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into<br />
temptation but deliver us from evil amenknowing<br />
that if I finish the prayer<br />
(and I do)<br />
that the police car will<br />
(and it does)<br />
go away.<br />
-What did you tell him? I ask.<br />
-I told him you were praying and he said, 'Oh, that's fine: and got into the car.<br />
-Thank you. (I smile at him Maybe he's not evil after all Maybe I won't be evil<br />
Maybe I'm going to Maybe) Tim?<br />
-Yes?<br />
-I'm<br />
sorry. I'm sorry.<br />
(He throws his arms around me they lock like snakestails<br />
around me I'm choking Oh my god)<br />
I back away and grab the door again. I smile to placate him He frowns thwarted<br />
or maybe hurt? My God that was close or maybe My God that was close<br />
Can you see any light yet, my soul, my sweet soul?/<strong>No</strong>, my sister, my sweet<br />
sister; hold on a little longer & it will come<br />
UaneHeller
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