CONFIDENCE IN DISGUISE

TOO FAT. CHUNKY. TOO TALL. TOO UGLY.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH. NEED TO BE THINNER.
NEED TO BE BETTER. DISGUSTING. FAILURE.
HUGE THIGHS. PALE. NOT POPULAR. NERD.
EMBARRASSMENT. FAT.
All these thoughts played on re-loop throughout my high
school years. I was your typical high school student. I
played sports year round, had lots of friends, a boyfriend,
and a loving family. My grades were excellent and I
took part in lots of extra-curricular activities. According to
what others saw, I was quite normal. Internally, though,
I was falling apart. I hated every ounce of my being.
I always thought I was Too fat. Chunky. Too tall. Too ugly.
Not good enough. I had a really bad habit of constantly
picking at my numerous flaws. I didn’t like myself. Better
yet, I hated myself. I didn’t have a perfect body either. I
Needed to be thinner. Needed to be better. How could
anyone like me? I needed to look amazing. I needed
to be the best. What a disgusting failure. Others would
like me more if I had a better body, right? Or if I did
better in school? That would make me happy, right?
Wrong. My sophomore year of high school I spiraled
down a terrible road. It made sense to me that if I changed
my body everything else would work out. I would just
lose some weight and life would be perfect. I would have
more friends, get better grades, and have a better body.
Yeah, I couldn’t go wrong with that plan. It had to work!
Little did I know, all my self-doubt and self-hate would
lead me towards a terrible eating disorder. My self-hate
escalated quicker than I could have ever imaged. Huge
thighs. Pale. Not popular. Nerd. Embarrassment. Fat.
What started out as a little
diet quickly turned into a
terrible mental illness that
left me clawing for dear life.
It was the worst time of my
life without a doubt. Instead
of becoming thin and
happy, I became sick and
miserable. I lost everything.
Those four years were the
hardest times of my life.
Looking back, I would do anything to get those
four years back. I missed a lot of school, lost a lot of
friends, and missed out on a lot of pivotal moments. I
never got to go to Prom. I ruined my chance at playing
college sports. And my grades dropped. All because
I wanted to be thin...all because thin would make me
“happy”. But let me tell you, I was anything but happy.
Luckily, I’ve been fully
recovered for two years
now. It took everything I
had to come out on the
other side, but thankfully
I did. Although my eating
disorder took four years of
my life away, I must admit
those four years taught me
a lot about myself. It took
me awhile, but I eventually
learned to love myself and my body. I learned that I am
beautiful, I am worth it, and I can do anything I set my
mind to. And I want every female to know that too. No
one deserves to go through what I did. All women are
beautiful, unique, talented, smart, loved, and worth it.
If there is one thing I really want to stress, it’s that women
really need to stop the negative self-talk. You are your worst
enemy. Stop feeding yourself lies that aren’t true. It may
not seem like a big deal, but negative thoughts spread
like rapid fire. They are poisonous and they will destroy
you. Get rid of the negative attitude towards your life and
body! Instead, try working towards positivity. Enjoy the
little things. Love your body—honestly, it’s okay to admit
you have an amazing body! Compliment yourself and
believe it! Have faith in yourself and have the courage to
step out of your comfort zone. I promise you won’t regret it.
And please, please, please know you aren’t your
appearance. You are so much more than that. Your
worth isn’t based off your height, weight, hair color, skin
tone, or wardrobe. Others love you for the person you are
on the inside. Practice self-love. It’s the best thing you
can do for yourself. And remember that you only have
one body and one life; don’t waste it hating yourself. Love
the body you have currently and treat it with respect. As
long as you are happy and healthy, that is all that matters.
“Learning to love yourself