lrbw020715

The British Weekly, Sat. February 7, 2015Page 11IT’S THE SPIRIT OFTOSCAR TIME!!!!Greeting Breeps!It’s that Toscar time ofyear again; I believe allfilms are in the can andthe editors are busyhoning their films downto five minutes. This yearI got to play again insteadof the hard, crazy work ofproducing the event - thisyear’s honor goes to themarvellous chairladyNadia Wit! - Looks likeit’s going to be a fun onethis year with no frills butlots of booze.Anyway this year I gotto play a role too, that is sotransformative - I don’tthink anyone is going torecognize me - I was inmake-up for all ofone-and-a-half minutes. Igot to work with thelovely Sarah Thompsonagain (She was my firstever on-screen kiss in aBritish TV show called‘Dream Team’) well let’sjust say we get to do a bitmore than that in thisfilm, which is a parody ofBirdman – if you want toknow more you will justhave to come and join uson the night of Feb 17th.Location TBA. TheToscars have beenvariously described as‘the most fun all awardseason” (The Guardian)and “silly” (BBCAmerica). And I say yes toboth. Plus Ron Jeremy,who first cut his actingchops in last year’s PG-13rated “British Hustle” willbe back again this year fora surprising turn in theparody of “Selma.” -Hmmm! I can’t wait to seethat!Oscar night dreams...It always amazes mewhen I watch acceptancespeeches at these awardshows, how ill-preparedNOT A KEY MEMBER? hook up now for some of the bestdeals in town.... (photo: Craig Young)most of the winnersappear to be…. so In thespirit of award seasonand re-reading The Secret,I thought it might be funto dream out what myOscar week would looklike, so here goes:….Don’t eat for five daysbefore the show.Work out abnormallyhard. But just the upper,because they rarely showthe legs on cameraanyway.Smile on the red carpetfor the paps and Bila’sKerstinAlm(Mammarazzi)Have some witty banterready for Ryan Seacrest.Blatantly name drop ofthe designer I’m wearing,then duck into thebathroom to tweet it withhashtag, so I get to keepthe tuxedo (which I hadtailored earlier at Stitch,the fab new alterationsstore on Melrose ownedby my great friend AlexHarden (7306 MelroseAvenue).Hob-nob with the othernominees and tell themhow gorgeous they look,even without seeingthem, because I will betoo distracted and notlistening and obviouslyscanning the room to seewho’s looking at ME.Once I’m sitting downin the theatre and theyshow a clip of my filmand say my name as anominee, I’ll getcoquettish and shy. WhenI win, I’ll pretend to beshocked, then I’ll walkthru the audience wishingall these agents andstudio execs I don’t know,would stop pawing atme. (They didn’t WANTknow me three yearsago.) And now on stage,I’m totally gonna cry,forget my speech, and lieand say I didn’t prep one,because I totally didn’tthink I was gonna winthis year! I will saysomething about adisabled community andthe war in AfganIraq, andhow HARD this journeyhas been for me. And ofcourse mention my fellownominees by their firstnames, so everyoneScott Kaske, Martin Lee White and director Guy Ross film the parody of “BirdMan”for this year’s Spirit of Toscars competition (Photo: Walter Tabayoyong)thinks we are all reallytight. I’ll waffle on till theorchestra starts playing.Then I’ll speed up mywaffling to around 75 rpmand waffle more. Playwith my hair a bit. Winkat Belinda Gosbee, coz Iknow she was desperateto be on my team, I’ll sayThank you AGAIN. Pickup the award and say“Phwoar - This isheavy.” And more thanlikely, I’m gonna walk thewrong way off stage...After, I’ll go to tenafter-parties and dancewith my award above myhead. I’ll let Elton Johntouch it! Coz he’s Eltonblooming John! Then I’llgo to Astro Burger and bephotographed by thepaps just to show theplebs, I’m normal. When Iget home that night, I’llwatch the reruns on theDVR Replay seeingmyself win about 50times, then just for fun I’llfreeze frame on all of theother nominees in mycategory and pause ontheir faces at the momenttheir dreams werecrushed and laughinside. Schadenfreude isa beautiful thing. ThanksThe Secret - Hope to makeyour dreams into reality!!!Or maybe I’ll just do theAstro Burger part!Become a key memberWe have had some greathappenings recentlyincluding a screeningof the Johnny Deppmovie Mortdecai, aspecial Kingsman: SecretService preview of thecostumes and a trip to seethe Queen Elizabeth docknext to the Queen Mary inLong Beach and we areabout to launch ourdining club series for ourKey Members – featuringspecial dinners at ourfavourite places. So itreally pays to be amember - send us anemailatBritsinla@gmail.com tosee how you can be comea member too.Hope you have a greatweek ahead and lookforward to seeing you atone of our upcomingevents.Cheers!Craig