Little eyes, little ears - Agence de la sante publique du Canada

little eyes,little earslittle eyes ,little earshow violence againsta mother shapeschildren as they growby Alison Cunningham & Linda Bakerthe Centre for Children and Families1in the Justice System

Seeking to understandChildren are changedby growing up withviolence and abuse at homeBad sights, sounds and experiences take many forms. A hitor slap is obvious to see. Abusive words and interactionscause invisible bruises.Change can be sudden orchange can be gradualViolence at home can take the form of one or moretraumatic incidents triggering sudden change. Or changescan occur slowly in reaction to the daily dynamics ofabusive relationships, shaping a child incrementally as heor she grows.Change can be visibleor change can be insideSome changes show in a child's behaviour, such as crying,aggression, or disrespect to women. Violence in the homealso changes how children think and feel - aboutthemselves, their families and life in general.Children are not passive witnesses tonoise, tension and violence at homeLittle eyes and little ears don't miss much, soaking insights and sounds. Child "witnesses" of violence andabuse are overwhelmed by intense feelings andconcentrate hard on their own thoughts. They mayfeel confused and scared and blame themselves.As they watch or listen, they guess what caused the"fight," imagine what might happen next, and anticipatepotential consequences.Change can be bad andchange can be goodBy understanding a child's view, we can nurture positivechanges: correct distorted ideas, encourage helpfulcoping, build good interpersonal skills, and fostermanagement of intense emotions. And we can supportmothers as they help their children heal and thrive.Little Eyes, Little EarsThis resource draws together, in one place,information from the best and latest research forprofessionals and volunteers who help women andchildren. Topics addressed include what childrenmight feel, think and do during violent incidentsagainst their mothers, roles they might adopt before,during or after incidents, strategies of coping andsurvival, and how violence may be experienced bychildren of different ages, from infancy toadolescence. The purpose is to examine how violenceagainst a mother can shape a child. By learning howeach child as an individual was shaped byexperiences in his or her home - and consideringimportant contextual features of family life - wecan devise ways to help.A child who lives with violence isforever changed, but not forever"damaged." There's a lot we cando to make tomorrow-better.special features of this guideThese symbols higlight important pointsor direct you to further information.Of special note: A web site A documentan important with more with morepoint information information1

little eyes,little earsGlossary of termsClarifying definitions helps uscommunicate with a sharedunderstanding of important concepts.Abuse can be used by females against malesand early evidence suggests the effect on childrenis different than when a man is the aggressor. 14In this resource, we address the abuse of women bymen and how it is experienced by their children.coercive controlAn on-going pattern of domination using strategies thatinclude irrational demands, surveillance, isolation, and therealistic threat of negative consequences such as physicalharm. It can be used as a guise for child "discipline."The Power & Control Wheel from the Domestic AbuseIntervention Project [www.duluth-model.org] shows thespectrum of tactics used against women such as threats,intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimization,and denial of harm.Evan Stark (2007). Coercive Control: HowMen Entrap Women in Personal Life.Oxford University Press.domestic violenceThe abuse, assault or systematic control of someoneby an intimate partner, usually but not always apattern of behaviour used by men against women.child exposure todomestic violenceSeeing, hearing, being told about,or seeing the aftermath of abuseand coercive control used againsta parent.child maltreatmentAlso called “child abuse,” a term that can mean physical,sexual or emotional abuse, and/or physical or emotionalneglect and/or denial of medical care.intimate partner violenceA term now common in the research literature usuallyreferring to what can be gender symmetrical or bidirectionalviolence in a relationship: male to female, orfemale to male.When reading research articles, check to seehow the authors define violence: who, what, whereand when. Does it match your definition? Does itmatch the profile of people you meet in your work?woman abuseA pattern of male behaviour characterized by coercivecontrol tactics against a woman that may, or may not,involve physical assault.2Many people use the term “woman abuse”because it denotes the gendered nature ofdomestic violence.

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growTypes of abuse againstwomen and childrenAbuse does not always involvephysical violenceAbuse can be motivated by a need to be in control, todemean, to intimidate, and to put the victim in a positionof powerlessness. Abuse can be directed at adults,teenagers, or children. Several types of abuse can be11, 15present in the same family.child sexual abuseAny sexual contact with a child or any activity undertakenwith a sexual purpose. It can include genital fondling,digital penetration, or an invitation to sexually touch theperpetrator.emotional abuseDemeaning comments, insults, taunts about being useless,lazy, fat, ugly, or stupid, dictating how she dresses, threatsof suicide, threats of taking the children, surveillance,baseless jealousy, cutting her off from family or friends,abusing pets, destroying sentimental or valuedpossessions. Children can also be emotionally abused.Emotional abuse is also called “psychological abuse.”neglectOn-going failure to provide needed age-appropriate care,such as food, clothing, supervision, medical care and otherbasic needs for development of physical, intellectual andemotional capacities in children.Look on the web site of the NationalClearinghouse on Family Violence foroverview papers about child maltreatment,child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimatepartner abuse against men, abuse of olderadults, and woman abuse.sexual abuseForced sex, distasteful or painful sexual activity, exposureto AIDS or other sexually-transmitted diseases, refusal topermit the use of birth control.spiritual abuseRidicule or punishment for holding a religious or culturalbelief, forbidding practice of a person's religion or forcingadherence to different practices.In some parts of Canada, exposing children todomestic violence may be considered a form ofemotional harm or emotional injury. See page 37.economic abuseWithholding money, taking her money, spendingfrivolously while the children do without necessities,making all major purchases, denying access to bankaccounts, preventing her from taking or keeping a job.physical abuseSlapping, punching, kicking, shoving, choking, burning,biting, pushing down stairs, stabbing or slashing witha knife, shooting, hitting with an object.3

little eyes,little earsFacts & figuresAbuse in the home is hiddenbehind closed doorsThat makes it difficult to get an accurate statistical picture.How do we learn about violenceagainst women in intimaterelationships?• anonymous• review• review• talkingtelephone surveys ofthe general populationof cases reported to or discoveredby the policeof cases where women were murderedby an intimate partnerwith women who are experiencingor have survived violenceGeneral Social Survey24, 26The GSS is an anonymous telephone survey conductedannually. In 2004, surveyors asked 24,000 randomlychosen adults (over the age of 15) 10 questions about“spousal violence.” They asked about incidents rangingfrom threats to being beaten, all of which are against thelaw. Among women who were married or in a common-lawrelationship at any point over the previous five years:• 7% reported at least one incident of spousal violenceat some point over those five years• 63% had separated from that partner by thetime of the survey• 60% reported more than one incident overthose five years• 9% felt afraid for their children during the incident40% said a child heard or saw the violence or threat• 51% of female victims whose children witnessed theviolence called the police, a higher rate than womenwhose children did not witness the incident (30%)or women who had no children (25%) 24According to the GSS, in almost5% of incidents of spousalviolence (perpetrated by eithera male or female) a child wasthreatened or harmed.-Statistics Canada used data from the GSS to estimate theincidence of spousal violence in the adult population ofCanada. According to their calculations, 196,000 women, orabout 2% of women in relationships, experienced at leastone incident of spousal violence in the previous 12 months.Each year, Statistics Canada releases adocument called Family Violence in Canada:A Statistical Profile. Find it on-line or order a copyfrom the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence.What do police statistics show?• 87% of complainants in partner assault cases reportedto or discovered by the police are female 25• in most cases where police are involved they are calledone time (86%), but police attended five times or morein 3% of cases with male perpetrators 244

little eyes,little earsWoman abuse and children 2Abuse threatens a child's senseof his or her familyas safe and nurturingWhen a man is abusive to a child's mother, it's more thanbad role modelling. It's bad parenting. He may maltreat thechildren directly 23 and they are at risk of injury duringviolent incidents. Women living with abusive partners faceenormous challenges in being the best mothers they canbe. Children may be isolated from potential sources ofsupport and can learn to see the world as scary and unsafe.• talking inappropriately to children about theirmother's behaviour• prolonged court proceedings about custody andaccess, especially when the abuser has previouslyshown little interest in the children• holding the children hostage or abducting themHow children are “exposed”to woman abuseseeing a mother assaulted or demeanedhearing loud conflict and violenceseeing the aftermath (e.g., injuries)learning about what happened to a motherbeing used by an abusive parent as part of the abuse• seeing a father abuse his new partner when theyvisit him on weekends• being denied what is owed them for child supportHow children might be “used”by an abusive parent• suggesting a child's misbehaviour is the reasonthe parent must be abusiveencouraging the children to abuse their mother• threatening violence against the children and/or petsEach child is unique. Even children in the samefamily are affected in different ways, dependingupon factors such as age, gender, relationship tothe abuser, and role in the family.Children are not “witnesses” toevents in their homesIn the research literature, children are often called“witnesses” to domestic violence. This term implies apassive role - but children living with conflict and abusewill actively interpret, predict, assess their roles in causinga “fight,” worry about the consequences, engage inproblem solving, and/or take measures to protectthemselves or siblings, both physically and emotionally.During violent incidentsChildren may referee, try to rescue their mother, try todeflect the abuser's attention onto them, try to distract theabuser, take care of younger siblings, or seek outside help(e.g., calling the police, running to a neighbour's house).6

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growWhat children may think and feelAs we discuss on page 8, they may feel fear, distress,anxiety, self-blame, guilt, anger, grief, confusion, worry,embarrassment, and hope for rescue. To quell theseintense emotions, they may use coping strategies such asthose listed on pages 24 and 25.Children who do not blame themselves for theabuse and who develop helpful coping strategies(e.g., reaching out for help) may well havethe best outcomes.anger causes violence or drinking causes violencepeople who love you can also hurt you• anger should be suppressed because it canget out of control• unhealthy, unequal relationships are normalor to be expectedmen are in charge and get to control women's lives• women don't have the right to be treated with respectBetween incidentsChildren may try to predict the next incident or believe thatchanging their behaviour might prevent another eruptionof violence.Elena Cohen & Barbara Walthall (2003).Silent Realities: Supporting Young Childrenand their Families who Experience Violence.Washington, DC: National Child WelfareResource Center for Family-centered Practice.Unhealthy lessons children may learnfrom violence against their mothersviolence and threats get you what you want• a person has two choices - to be the aggressoror be the victimvictims are to blame for violencewhen people hurt others, they do not get in trouble• women are weak, helpless, incompetent,stupid, or violent7

little eyes,little earsLittle eyes, little earsChildren are good observersand poor interpretersThey listen and they see but don't understand situationsthe same way adults would.What children may feelFear, confusion, guilt, anger, frustration, tummy aches,and worry. The smallest children are too young toappreciate what other people are feeling. Nevertheless,visible cues like blood and crying signal that someone ishurt. Older children and teenagers are better able to putthemselves in their parents' positions. If a mother getsphysically hit, many can imagine how she feels.What children may thinkSome try hard to stay out of the way - below the radar -lest they become the next target. They may think, “will Iget in trouble, will I get yelled at, will I get hit, will I die?”Children who feel responsible for starting the “fight” arelikely to blame themselves for any negative consequencessuch as visible injury, arrest, incarceration, or one parentleaving the family. Some hope for rescue, perhaps by superheroes.Alison Cunningham & Linda Baker (2004).What About Me! Seeking to Understandthe Child's View of Violence in the Family.London ON: Centre for Children & Familiesin the Justice System. [www.lfcc.on.ca]Some children will blame their mother for doing whatevershe is being accused of by her partner, perhaps spendingtoo much money or not having dinner ready on time. Iftheir father was taken away by police on a previousoccasion, they wonder if it might happen again. His arrestis welcomed by a few but dreaded by others. Some childrenbelieve they themselves will be taken by the police, forbeing bad and causing the fight. Some are angry at theirmother for not stopping the “fight” to prevent the policefrom coming.Common misunderstandingsamong young children whosee violence at home• the man and the woman are equal partiesin what appears to be a “fight”“it's my fault they are fighting”• if there is no blood or other signsof injury, Mommy is not hurt• if Mommy is not crying, she is notupset or no longer upset• once the “fight” stops, everythinggoes back to normal• “if I try really hard to be good,they won't fight again”8

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growExamples of What TeenagersMay Think or Feelsadnessconfusionconcernfrustrationisolationguiltfearanxietyembarrassmentresignationvengefulworthlessnesshelplessnessresponsibilityangerworrypanicwhy is this happening again?why doesn't Mom just kick him out?Mom is going to get really hurt one dayI have problems too, but no oneseems to careI can't talk to anyone about thisI could have done something toprevent thishe might turn on me next or hurt meis this what my future relationshipswill be like?other families don't do this / theneighbours will hearthis is never going to stopI wish he would die or get hit by a busif they really cared about me, theywould stop thisthere is nothing I can do to helpmy momI have to protect my younger siblingsfrom this situationwhy does Mom let him treat her(and me) so badly?I don't want to move so I hope Momputs up with ithow will we afford to eat if Momleaves him?What children may be doingHiding, praying, wrapping pillows around their ears,humming, clutching teddies, hugging pets, wearingheadphones and turning up the music, concentratingintently on something else, pretending they aresomewhere else. Older children may shepherd the youngerones to a safe place and try to keep them calm. Someteenagers intervene in the “fight,” playing thepeacemaker, the referee, the rescuer, or the protector.Thoughts and feelings goon after the “fight” stopsNext morning, next week, next month - one thoughtremains: will it happen again? Being keen observers,little eyes watch for anything they believe (rightly orwrongly) to be triggers. Seeing beer or liquor bottlesmay unleash a flood of emotions. Adults know that alcoholdoes not cause violence but in some homes, alcohol andviolence seem to young eyes to go hand-in-hand. Littleears listen for raised voices or swearing and bad names.When violence has long been a feature of family life,children are hyper-sensitive to the cues and know when itis time to gather the younger kids and get out, or time tobe sad and afraid because it's the only thing they can do.Caroline McGee (2000). ChildhoodExperiences of Domestic Violence.London UK: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.9

little eyes,little ears10 ways a childcan be changed byviolence at homeSeeing how violenceshaped a child isthe first step to helpingThen we can address the distorted ideas, encourage helpfulcoping and healthy interpersonal skills, or foster healingof the mother/child bond.1. Children are denied a good fatherand positive male role modelAs described by psychologists Lundy Bancroft and JaySilverman, most abusive men are self-centered andmanipulative and either use authoritarian parenting or havelittle involvement with the children. A man's abusivebehaviour fosters disrespect for their mother andundermines her parenting authority. Even between violentincidents, abusive men can have a toxic influence on dailyfamily dynamics.worthy of respect. She may change her own parenting stylein reaction to his parenting style. Children may be angrythat she stayed with him, afraid she will go back, or worriedshe will get involved with another abusive man. They maynot trust her to keep them safe and may even doubt if sheloves them.Look on page 12 for more informationabout abuse and mothering.3. Children can develop negativecore beliefs about themselvesWe all have core beliefs about ourselves. Am I smart,compassionate, or optimistic? Am I someone who deservesto be happy? Am I someone with something to offer theworld? Am I of lesser value because I'm female? Am I amentitled to having my way even if it disadvantages others?Am I in control of my choices or does life throw bad luck myway? Core beliefs are formed in childhood and parents area big part of that process.Lundy Bancroft & Jay Silverman (2002).The Batterer as Parent: Addressing theImpact of Domestic Violence on FamilyDynamics. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.2. Abuse can harm themother/child bondAn abusive man undermines a mother's efforts to parent,whether by contradicting her, sapping her confidence as aparent, or eroding the children's view of her as a person4. Children can be isolated fromhelpful sources of supportTo hide family secrets, children who live with woman abuseusually don't invite friends home, they try and preventparents' contact with others (e.g., hiding memos aboutparent/teacher night), and even deny anything is wrong ifqueried by a concerned adult. They know instinctively, orare warned, that bad things will happen if the world learnsthe family secrets. They learn to pass as “normal.” Inconsequence, they are cut off from people who could listenand help or people who could recognize the problem.10

how violence against a mother shapes children as they grow5. Unhealthy family rolescan evolve in homes withdomestic violenceRoles in abusive families reflect how each person adaptsand copes with the secret, confusing, and sometimesdangerous situation in which they live.Look on page 26 where we discuss family roles.8. A child's style ofcoping and survivalmay become problematicChildren's innate ability to adapt serves them well whentrapped with abuse, conflict, and violence. Strategiescan involve ideas (e.g., fantasizing about a better family);actions (e.g., running away); or, feelings (e.g., anger,guilt). Their actions and choices are survival skills:temporarily helpful adaptations to an unhealthy situation.But some, such as running away, create new problems.6. Abuse destroys a child'sview of the world as asafe and predictable placeWe list on page 7 some of the distorted messages childrenmight learn from living with woman abuse. They could alsolearn that you have to deal with your problems by yourself,adults don't keep their promises, bad things happen nomatter how hard I try to be good, and life is not fair. Incontrast, children who grow up with encouragement,fairness, and safety can approach life with enthusiasm andembrace new opportunities.7. Abuse co-occurs withother stresses and adversitieswith negative effectsResearch consistently documents how domestic violencealmost never stands alone as the only problem or stress9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15in a family. Family dynamics will probably beaffected by one or more of these other problems: parentalsubstance abuse or alcoholism, criminal behaviour andpossible incarceration of a parent, mental illness, poverty,residential instability, unemployment, and child abuse orneglect. Children may believe that one of these otherissues is responsible for the abuse against their mother.Look on page 24 for a discussion of coping.9. Children may adopt some ofthe rationalizations for abuseMale rationalizations for abuse can include “I'm the man soI'm in charge” or “God demands that I keep the family inline.” A child believing these ideas could blame the womanfor her own victimization, see women as inferior, excusethe man's abusive behaviour, or even try to emulate him.Such a child could grow up to justify or accept abuse inintimate relationships, workplace settings, or with friends.10. Children can believe thatvictimization is inevitable or normalMessages conveyed by violence can teach tolerance ofabuse and discourage help seeking. Some women clearlystay with their partners out of fear, knowing they'd beseriously injured, stalked or killed. Some believe “all menare like that so the next one won't be any better” or that“things will get better when he finds a job.” Girls maydevelop low expectations of men or believe womenshouldn't expect happiness.11

little eyes,little earsEffects of coercive controltactics on a mother 3Tactics of coercive controlare the hallmarks ofan abusive relationshipHow might coercive control tactics affect a woman asshe parents her children?1. woman believes she isan inadequate parent• woman• she• she• childrenis portrayed by abuser as unfit motheror the cause of children's deficitsfears having her children taken by childprotection servicesis frustrated in attempts to create structureor be consistentmay have problems at school or in theneighbourhood, fuelling her belief she is abad parent2. woman losesthe respect of someor all children• children• children• somemay grow to devalue or be ashamedof their motherlearn to disregard her parental authority,don't follow her ruleschildren come to see her as legitimatetarget of abuse3. woman believes man'sexcuses for abuse andreinforces them withchildren• tells• feels• excuses• believes• believeschildren abuse is her fault so she must changeor improve her behaviourresponsible for abuse and guilty for its effectson childrenabuse because she thinks it is linked to alcoholor his stressand teaches that woman abuse is culturallyor religiously appropriateand teaches children that men and boysshould have more privileges and power in the family4. woman changes herparenting style in responseto abuser's parenting style• she• she• she• she• sheis too permissive in response to authoritarianparenting of abuseris authoritarian to try and keep childrenfrom annoying abusermakes age-inappropriate or unreasonabledemands on children to placate abuseris afraid to use discipline because the childrenhave been through so muchassumes the demanding parts of parentingwhile he takes the fun parts12

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growWatching a mother abused by her partner over time,children and teenagers may come to see her asvulnerable, emotionally unavailable to them, not aperson with legitimate parental authority, or assomeone who cannot protect them. 16 They may becomeher protector, her confidant, or her caretaker.5. woman's capacity to manageis thwarted or overwhelmed• depression,anxiety, poor sleeping, etc. compromiseher capacity to care for children and provide fortheir daily needs• if• may• reactivedenied use of birth control, too many childrenare born too close togetherbe denied sufficient money to meet children'sbasic needs for food, etc.rather than pro-active parenting, respondingto crisis not preventing problems6. woman may use survivalstrategies with negative effects• may leave children with inadequate caretakers toget a breakmay avoid being at home (e.g., working double shifts)may use alcohol or drugs to excess• may maltreat children, physically or verbally7. woman's bond tochildren is compromised• children• mothermay be angry at mother for failingto protect them or evict abuserprevented by abuser from comfortingdistressed childone child assumes care-taking role for mother• children anticipating a mother's deportation orleaving may become anxious or may emotionallydisengage to protect themselves fromimpending loss• children may blame mother for absence of fatherfrom the home and other disruptions (e.g., moving,changing schools)8. woman gets trappedin competition forchildren's loyalties• abuser• afterattempts to shape child's view of himselfas good and mother as badseparation, abuser entices children to supporthis bid for custody with promises of great lifeat his house• during• abuseraccess visits, abuser is fun parent whohas no ruleshas more money and can offer morematerial goods and nicer homeWatching a man abuse their mother over time,children and teenagers may see him as frightening orunpredictable. Some will see him as powerful or theonly legitimate parental authority. They may believe hisrationalizations for abuse or accept his excuses, such asalcohol or job stress. Each sibling may have differentopinions of him, depending on their age, gender,emotional closeness to him, whether he abused themdirectly, and the frequency and severity of his violenceagainst their mother.13

little eyes,little earsMyths about woman abuseand childrenCommon assumptions can be wrongSome choices and reactions of women and children may notseem logical, until you understand them as survivalstrategies or normal child development.Myth:A woman who loves herchildren would get out ofan abusive relationship toprotect them from harm.Reality: Some women stay in abusiverelationships to protect thechildren.Especially when the violence is severe, the period aroundand after a relationship break-up can be dangerous.• in the GSS, among women who reported violencein a previous relationship, 49% said the violencecontinued or started after the relationship ended 26• the probability of being murdered increases17, 25when the relationship endsA woman might fear losing custody, especially if the manthreatened to report her to child protection services, canfinance a protracted custody battle, or might abduct them,perhaps to his country of origin. Even a woman who retainscustody will worry about children's safety during visitationwith their father, because she is no longer there to runinterference and protect them. Some women leave therelationship only to reconcile later for safety reasons, orbecause she has difficulty providing for or managing thechildren.Myth:Children will recognize theirmother as a victim and theirfather as the cause of theproblems and abuse.Reality: Children can blame theirmothers as much or more thanthey blame their fathers.Young children don't recognize the power imbalance whenparents “fight.” Both adults seem equally powerful tothem. Toddlers or pre-schoolers live predominately in thepresent, so an abusive father who bestows a nice presentwill be quickly forgiven for a recent upsetting incident. Notuntil they approach adolescence will most children developa more adult-like understanding of the dynamics ofviolence and abuse. Still, older children may be angry atand blame a mother for bringing an abusive man into thehome, not protecting herself or them from his abuse,staying with him after it was evident that he was abusive,or reconciling with him after leaving.14

little eyes,little earsPre-schoolers 3, 818For this age group, what theyexperience is more real thananything you tell themA child aged three to five years who sees violenceand other loud conflict may:• worry about being hurt and may have nightmaresabout being hurt• believe they caused the “fight” bysomething they did• hope that a TV character or super hero willcome and save themtry and stop the “fight” by, for example, yelling• “tune out” the noise by focussing on somethingelse like toys or television• be distressed when Mommy is upset but feelbetter when she seems okay again• be confused if Daddy is gone and worry thatMommy may leave tooBecause of their egocentric nature, they might blamethemselves for bad events such as when their parents“fight.” Pre-schoolers are easily upset by changes to dailyroutines and separation from cherished items such asblankets or pets. It helps to maintain or re-establishcomforting routines such as bedtime schedules. Thepresent is more important to pre-schoolers than the past.Children of this age need to hear thatwhat happened was not their fault, theyare still loved, and that importantfeatures of daily life will go on even iftheir families have changed or moved.-How might violence at homeshape normal development? 3, 8KEY ASPECTSOF DEVELOPMENTLearn how to expressangry feelings and otheremotions in appropriate waysExperiences and observationsmost salient in formingmeaning in their worldOutcome ismore salientthan the processThink in egocentric waysForm ideas about genderroles based on socialmessagesIncrease physicalindependence(e.g., dressing self)POTENTIAL IMPACTOF DOMESTIC VIOLENCElearn unhealthy ways toexpress anger andaggressionconfused by conflictingmessages (e.g., what Isee vs. what I am told)may be distressed byperceived unfairness,father's arrest and/ortrip to sheltermay attribute violenceto something they didlearn gender rolesassociated with violenceand victimizationinstability may inhibitindependence; may seeregressive behavioursFind a two-page handout for mothers ofpre-schoolers on page 52 of Helping ChildrenThrive / Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors asMothers (2004). [www.lfcc.on.ca]

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growWhat features of woman abusemight be most distressingfor this age group?• seeing Mommy upset, crying and maybe bleedingor with a bruiseseeing (and hearing) Daddy angry and yelling• sounds and sights of first responders when theysecure the scene and assist on a call to the homechaotic change and unpredictabilityfear they might be injured• disruption in their routines if they leave a familiarhome (e.g., to go into shelter) or if a father is nolonger in the homeWhat lessons doesspanking teach children?Spanking is not a good discipline strategy for any child.For children who lived with woman abuse, spanking isespecially bad. The unspoken messages of spanking arethe same as some male rationalizations for violenceagainst intimate partners:a big person is more powerful than a little person• some types of people have the right tohit other types of peoplea person who says they love you can hurt youbeing angry is a good excuse to hit someonepeople who get hit are the ones to blame• people who do the hitting alwayshave a good reason• apologizingfor “losing control” makeswhat happened acceptableChild Welfare League of Canada (2002).Discipline Without Hurting: Information forParents of Young Children. [www.cwlc.ca]Heidi Kiefer & Nancy Cohen with Bonnie Pape (2004).Handle With Care: Strategies for Promotingthe Mental Health of Young Childrenin Community-Based Child Care.Toronto ON: Canadian Mental Health Association& Hincks-Dellcrest Centre. [www.cmha.ca]Barbara Preston (2000). A Booklet for ServiceProviders Who Work With Immigrant Families:On Issues Relating to Child Discipline,Child Abuse and Child Neglect.Ottawa ON: Health Canada.[www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]19

little eyes,little earsSchool-aged children 3, 8As children grow throughthe elementary school years ...their understanding of abuse against their mothersgets more sophisticated.A school-aged child may recognize how actions havereasons and consequences and that mothers may be upseteven after a “fight” ends. They probably see “fighting”as caused by stress, family finances, alcohol, or whateverelse their parents argue over. Believing this explanationis easier (emotionally) than seeing a beloved parent assomeone who is mean on purpose. Seeing a “fight,” theyjudge the behaviour by its fairness: who started it, who isbigger, and if any consequence is deserved.Sue Penfold et al. (2005). Helping My Child:A Guide to Supporting Children Exposedto Domestic Violence. Vancouver BC: BritishColumbia's Children's Hospital. [www.bcysth.ca]At this age, children come to identifywith their same-sex parent. They learnwhat it means to be male and femalein our society, but this learning isdistorted when they live with violenceagainst their mother.-How might violence at homeshape normal development? 3, 8KEY ASPECTS OFDEVELOPMENTIncreased emotionalawareness for selfand othersIncreased complexityin thinking about rightand wrong; emphasison fairness and intentAcademic and socialsuccess at school hasprimary impact onself-conceptIncreased influencefrom outside family(e.g., peers, school) andcompetition assumesnew importance withinpeer groupIncreased same-sexidentificationPOTENTIAL IMPACT OFDOMESTIC VIOLENCEmore aware of ownreactions to violence;more aware of impact onothers (e.g., mother'ssafety, father being charged)possibly more susceptibleto rationalizations heard tojustify violence (e.g., alcoholas cause, victim deservesit) or may challengerationalizations not viewedas fair or right; may assess“was the fight fair?”; cansee discrepancies betweenactions and words andconsider intent; justificationsinvolving children may leadto self-blame or guiltlearning may becompromised (e.g., childmay be distracted); maymiss positive statementsor selectively attend tonegatives or evoke negativefeedback.possibly more influenced bymessages that confirmattitudes and behavioursassociated with partnerabuse; may use hostileaggression to compete;increased risk for bullyingand/or being bulliedmay learn gender rolesassociated with partner abuse(e.g., male as perpetrators,female as victims)20

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growFind a two-page handout for motherswith children aged six to 12 on page 54 ofHelping Children Thrive / Supporting WomanAbuse Survivors as Mothers (2004).[www.lfcc.on.ca]What features of womanabuse might be most stressfulfor this age group?• a realization that their mother can't controlher partner to protect herself (or perhapseven to keep them safe)• understanding that mother is sad andupset between incidentsconcern that their mother may be hurt• scared no one will take care of them ifmother is seriously hurt or dies• if he is loved, concern that their father mightexperience negative consequences likearrest or that the parents will separatefear they might be injured (now or in the next “fight”)• when noise keeps them awake at night,school performance may be affected• anticipatory anxiety about next incident,unpredictability of father's “moods”• worry that neighbours and friendswill hear the noise or find out• because of a need to preserve a sense of theirfather as a good person, may be upset bynegative comments others make about him• changing schools and losing touch with friendswill be upsetting if the family has to move(e.g., to go into shelter)Helpful interventions with school-aged children caninclude efforts to support school success and encouragefun, pro-social activities with peers.ShelterNet has a resource area called“Just for Kids”: [www.shelternet.ca]The Family Violence Youth Site (Department ofJustice) has a resource area designed for 10 to12 year olds: [www.familyviolencehurts.gc.ca]Resources for teachers:Linda Baker & Peter Jaffe (2007). Woman AbuseAffects our Children: An Educator's Guide.Toronto ON: OISE/University of Toronto.[www.lfcc.on.ca]Susan Cole et al. (2005). Helping TraumatizedChildren Learn: Supportive School Environments forChildren Traumatized by Family Violence. BostonMA: Massachusetts Advocates for Children.[www.massadvocates.org]21

little eyes,little earsTeenagers 3, 8Now physically larger,teens may intervene in incidentsand even risk injuryAdolescence is a challenging stage for both parents andyouth, with its dramatic physical and mood changes.Young people are drawn closer to their peer group andhow they are perceived by others is immensely important.While gaining more autonomy, they still need guidanceand supervision. At this age, young people who live withwoman abuse may feel:• embarrassment / strong need for privacy / need toproject an image of their family as “normal”• responsibility for taking care of younger siblings andperhaps their motheranger at either or both parentsconcern for the well-being of their mothervengeful toward the abuser, or relief if he is gone• worry their mother may take him back or start datingsomeone equally abusiveto reach out for help, by talking or chatting with otherswho have similar experiences or by using a confidentialtelephone help line like Kids Help Phone.Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868[www.kidshelpphone.ca]Toll free across Canada,24/7 in English and French.-We still have a lot to learn about how boys and girls areaffected differently but suspect that gender plays a majorrole in how teenagers understand and react to violenceagainst their mothers.Some will be injured or arrested for assault by interveningin “fights” between adults.Teenagers can access a wider range of coping strategiesthan younger children (see page 24). Some techniques areeffective at solving the immediate problem, like runningaway or using drugs to numb the emotional pain, but thisrelief comes at a cost if it leads to problems at school or inother contexts. At the same time, teenagers are better ableThe Family Violence Youth Site (Department ofJustice) has a resource area designed forteenagers: [www.familyviolencehurts.gc.ca]Other web sites you can recommend to teenagers are:[www.burstingthebubble.com] (Australia)[www.notyourfault.org] (Wales)[www.thehideout.org.uk] (England and Wales)You may meet teenagers who are victims of childabuse, witnesses to domestic violence, perpetratorsof abuse in the home, or who are in abusive datingrelationships. Some are all four.22

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growHow might violence at home shape normal development? 3, 8KEY ASPECTS OF DEVELOPMENTIncreased sense ofself and autonomyfrom familyPhysical changes broughton by pubertyIncreased peer groupinfluence and desirefor acceptanceSelf worth more strongly linkedto view of physical attractivenessDating raises issues ofsexuality, intimacy,relationship skillsIncreased capacity for abstractreasoning and broader world viewIncreased influenceby mediaPOTENTIAL IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCEaccelerated responsibility and autonomy, positioning youth incare-taking roles and/or premature independence; family skillsfor respectful communication and negotiation may be poorlydeveloped, so transition to adolescence may be more difficultand result in such challenges as parent-child conflict, earlyhome leaving, school drop-outmay try to stop violence; may use increased size to impose willwith physical intimidation or aggressionpossibly more embarrassed by family resulting in shame,secrecy, insecurity; might use high risk behaviours to impresspeers (e.g., theft, drugs); may increase time away from thehome;may engage in maladaptive defensive (e.g., drugs) andoffensive (e.g., aggression towards abuser) strategies to avoidor cope with violence and its stigmaview of self may be distorted by abuser's degradationof mother and/or child maltreatment; may experience eatingdisorder and use image management activities (e.g., bodypiercing, tattoos)may have difficulty establishing healthy relationships;may fear being abused or being abusive in intimaterelationships, especially when conflict arises; may avoidintimacy or prematurely seek intimacy and child bearing toescape and create own support system“all or nothing” interpretations of experiences may be learnedand compete with greater capacity to see “shades of grey” (e.g.,everyone is a victim or a perpetrator); this style of processinginformation may be intensified by experiences of childmaltreatment; may be predisposed towards attitudes andvalues associated with violence and/or victimizationpossibly more influenced by negative media messagesre: violent behaviour, gender role stereotypesFind a two-page handout for mothers of teenagers on page 56 of Helping Children Thrive / SupportingWoman Abuse Survivors as Mothers (2004). Also there is guidance for when a child is abusive to other familymembers and for knowing when a child needs more help than most mothers can provide. [www.lfcc.on.ca]23

little eyes,little earsCoping and survival strategiesof young people 2, 3When facing a difficult situation,children and teenagers findways to “cope”They come to an understanding (possibly distorted)about what is happening and deal with the flood ofhurtful emotions. Their strategies can involvefeelings (emotional), thoughts (cognitive),or actions (behavioural).Some strategies may be helpfulin the moment but are costlyin the long run• copingstrategies help a child get through a timeof stress or crisis, such as when there is womanabuse at home• however,if used as a general response to othercircumstances, these strategies may createproblems in the long run• thelonger a costly strategy is used, or the moreeffective it is in shielding a youth from overwhelmingemotions and hurt, the harder it may be to modifyor extinguishYoung children have limited coping strategiesand need adults to buffer them from theharmful consequences of stress and adversities.The following are coping strategies you may see inchildren and teenagers living with woman abuse and childmaltreatment. Remember that coping styles vary with ageand that some of these strategies can be triggered byother adversities such as severe marital conflict andparental substance abuse.Mental blocking or disconnecting emotionallynumbing emotions or blocking thoughts• tuning out the noise or chaos, learning not to hear it,being obliviousconcentrating hard to believe they are somewhere else• drinking alcohol or using drugsMaking it better through fantasy• planning revenge on the abuser, fantasizing aboutkilling him• fantasizing about a happier life, living with a differentfamily or a kind father• fantasizing about life after a divorce or after theabuser leavesfantasizing about abuser being “hit by a bus”• hoping to be rescued, by super heroes or policeor “Prince Charming”Physical avoidance• going into another room, leaving the houseduring a violent episodefinding excuses to avoid going home• running away from home24

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growLooking for love and acceptancein all the wrong placesfalling in with bad friendshaving sex for the intimacy and closeness• trying to have a baby as a teenager or gettingpregnant to have someone to love themTaking charge through caretakingprotecting brothers and sisters from danger• nurturing siblings like a surrogate parent ortaking the “parent” role with siblings• nurturing and taking care of hisor her motherReaching out for help• telling a teacher, neighbour,or friend's parentcalling the police• talking to siblings, friends,or supportive adultsTrying to predict, explain, prevent orcontrol the behaviour of an abusive man• thinking “Mommy has been bad” or“I have been bad” or“Daddy is under stress at work”• thinking“I can stop the violenceby changing my behaviour”or “I can predict it”trying to be the perfect child• lying to cover up bad things(e.g., a bad grade) to avoid criticism,abuse or family stressWhen the family is safe, graduallyextinguishing strategies with negative effectswhile replacing them with healthier strategiesis an important way to help children and teenagers.Crying out for helpsuicidal gesturesself-injury, carving• lashing out in anger, being aggressivewith others, or getting into fightsRe-directing emotions into positive activitiessports, running, fitness• writing, journalling, drawing,poetry, acting, being creative• excelling academically25

little eyes,little earsRoles children may assume 3, 8In our family, we adopt orare given “roles” we willinglyor unconsciously playExamples of family roles are the mediator of disputes,the “baby” of the family, the prized child who can do nowrong, the responsible one on whom everyone relies,or the “black sheep” who does not fit in and is expectedto disappoint the others.Roles that develop or are assigned in familiescharacterized by woman abuse reflect the uniqueways each person adapts and copes with the secret,confusing, and dangerous situation in which they live.Key points about family roles...• a role may be imposed on the child orit may be assumed by the childchildren can play more than one role• children may play roles before, duringor in the aftermath of violence 16• during abusive incidents, child might playthe referee, rescuer, deflector/distractor,or caretaker of younger siblings• a child may use the role as a strategy to cope,so it might not be turned off overnight oncethe abuser is gone• roles assigned by the abuser can lead to guilt,grief and other hurtful emotions, especiallyafter he leavesExamining family rolesis important because...• ithelps us understand how a child interpretsand copes with violence (so we can interveneeffectively)• ithelps us understand how different childrenin the same family can have dramaticallydifferent understandings of what happenedin their homes• it• ithelps us understand how a child maythink and feel once the abuser is goneis a framework for understanding howtension can occur between siblings orin the mother-child relationship• roleidentities formed in childhood areoften used into adulthood 16For example, children who adopt pseudo-adult roles suchas the “caretaker” may have difficulty adjusting whenexpected to assume the role of child once again. The“abuser's ally” may take up the role of the now-absentabuser. The “scapegoat” child's isolation within the familymay be intensified by feelings of responsibility for themarital break-up. The “perfect child” may be impatientwith and blaming towards siblings who misbehaved orotherwise “triggered” abuse by the abuser.Assessing the role of each child can be helpfulwhen families continue to struggle with conflict orabuse even after the abusive man has left the home.26

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growThese are examples of roles played by children andteenagers in families characterized by male violencetowards their mother.CaretakerMother'sConfidantAbuser'sConfidantAbuser'sAllyActs as a parent to younger siblings andmother. May oversee routines andhousehold responsibilities (e.g., meals,putting young siblings to bed), help tokeep siblings safe during a violent incidentand comfort them afterwards (e.g.,reassuring siblings, getting teafor mother).The child who is privy to mother's feelings,concerns, and plans. After witnessingabusive incidents, his or her recollectionsmay serve as a “reality check” for mother,if abuser later minimizes or liesabout events.The child who is treated better by abuserand most likely to be told his justificationsfor abuse against mother. May be asked toreport back on mother's behaviour and berewarded for doing so with, for example,privileges or absence of harsh treatment.The child who is co-opted to assist in abuseof mother (e.g., made to say demeaningthings or to physically hit her).PerfectChildRefereeScapegoatThe child who tries to prevent violence byactively addressing issues (wrongly)perceived as triggers, by excelling inschool and never arguing, rebelling,misbehaving, or seeking helpwith problems.The child who mediates and tries to keepthe peace.The child identified as the cause of familyproblems, blamed for tension betweenparents or whose behaviour is used tojustify violence. May have specialneeds or be a step-child to abuser.For more information on the child's perspective,see Alison Cunningham & Linda Baker (2004).What About Me! Seeking to Understand the Child'sView of Violence in the Family. London ON: Centrefor Children & Families in the Justice System.[www.lfcc.on.ca]27

little eyes,little earsServicesA range of services is availableto help abused womenand their childrenAbused women's advocatesWomen's centres or abused women's advocacy agenciesprovide confidential counselling and support and can helpwomen access the legal system.Crisis linesCheck the telephone directory for the local crisis line.Some areas have crisis lines specifically for abused women.Women's shelters andtransition housesIn Canada, there are 500 emergency shelters, transitionhouses, safe houses, and second-stage housing facilities.See www.shelternet.ca to find one near you. There are31 shelters on Aboriginal reserves and others servingFirst Nations families. See the National Aboriginal CircleAgainst Family Violence: www.nacafv.caChild protection agenciesThese organizations investigate and intervene when a childis or may be in need of protection from abuse or neglect bycaregivers. Find information on this topic on page 37.Family-serving organizationsThese agencies provide a range of services includingassessment and treatment that can include play therapy,parenting guidance and support, and family counselling.PoliceThe police can lay charges for crimes such as assaultand criminal harassment. An emergency 9-1-1 systemis available in most - but not all - parts of Canada.Victim servicesPolice-based or court-based services help victims of crime.For links to programs across Canada, see www.vaonline.orgAbusive men's treatment programsMost programs accept self-referred and court-orderedclients. The National Clearinghouse on Family Violencehas a directory of over 200 Canadian programs.The National Clearinghouse on Family Violencehas directories of Canadian services for bothvictims and perpetrators of family violence.28

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growSupporting women as parentsHelping a mother is amongthe most effective strategiesto help her childrenA mother's love, affection, availability, and investment inher children's well being and healthy development arepowerful factors to harness in our work helping children.Each day yields dozens of priceless opportunities for“teachable moments” which foster healing and promotehealthy development.Three strategies for helpers“Counselling” may be the first thing that comes to mindwhen we think about how to help. But these threestrategies are also important interventions.1. Ending a child's exposure todomestic violence and maltreatmentis the single most importantway to help children.Severity of violence (including frequency) and the numberof types of maltreatment are statistically correlated to theprobability and level of later problems in children. 12 Usingpsychological testing as the measure, most childrenfunction in the “normal range” after the exposure toviolence stops and they can feel safe.2. If required, help the family find asafe place to live, a source of income,and other features of daily livingto meet basic needs and create stability.Outcomes in children are also statistically correlated withstresses and adversities typically seen in conjunction withdomestic violence, such as socio-economic disadvantage,low standard of living, low parental educational level,.8, 12, 13, 14parental alcohol problems, and child sexual abuse3. Support women as mothers by fosteringgood parenting skills and encouragingthem to address any personal issuescompromising their parenting(e.g., depression).Outcomes in children exposed to domestic violence arecorrelated with family functioning and parenting style8, 13, 14including discipline techniques.Find a pamphlet with 10 tips forparenting children who lived withdomestic violence at www.lfcc.on.ca29

little eyes,little earsHow to helpOur helping can take many forms...counselling (individual, group or family), legal andpractical advocacy with mothers, and educationalapproaches.Symptom-specific interventionsSome approaches address the struggles and difficultieschildren manifest. For example, Project Support helpswomen whose children have conduct disorder. 20 Manyapproaches are well supported for use with child andadolescent depression. 1Violence-specific interventionsTechniques used with children include individual childcentredtherapy, 18 child-parent psychotherapy, 21 traumafocussedcognitive behavioural therapy, 7 play therapy,healing of the mother/child bond, 6 and many differentpsycho-educational group programs. Because mostchildren living with woman abuse experience other types ofabuse, techniques validated for child abuse may also help. 7Issues potentially addressedby interventions with childrenand teenagerstrauma symptoms or traumatic grief symptoms• distorted thoughts about abuse (e.g., self-blame,victim blaming, and shame)• management of intense emotions, such asanger or anxietystress management and relaxation techniquesmodifying or extinguishing costly coping strategiesbuilding constructive problem-solving skills• improving self-confidence and perceived capacityfor self-protectionBe aware of how “safety planning” canbe experienced by a child who alreadyfeels the world is dangerous andunpredictable.-In addition to helping womenwith their own healing, theseareas can be helpful• positive parenting practices such as non-physicaldisciplineparent/child communication skills• parenting skills designed for children who livedwith violence• modellingof constructive problem solving andmanagement of emotionsIssues to work on with mothersand children together• mapping out expectations for healthy (non-violent)family relationships• strengthening healthy communication and practisingproblem-solvingestablishing safe ways to talk together about the pastworking to heal and move forward as a family• identifying activities and engaging in family “fun”Healing the father/child bond in a healthy waythat holds abusive men accountable is a difficultbut worthwhile goal in the appropriate circumstances.30

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growSome points to keep in mindResearch on this topic generally suffers frommethodological limitations, but the best evidence nowavailable suggests interventions be individualized andlogically derived from an understanding of each child'sunique situation. 8Begin with a thorough trauma assessmentWoman abuse varies greatly in the forms it takes and invariables such as duration, severity, frequency, and harmcaused. Most children who lived with severe woman abusehave experienced direct maltreatment and other traumasas well. Exposure to more than one adversity or traumaelevates concern.Look for how a child's problems are manifestedSometimes a violence-specific intervention is the bestcourse of action while sometimes a symptom-specificintervention is dictated. Determine which patterns ofbehaviours, emotions or thoughts are concerning tocaregivers and teachers. That information can be aguide to intervention planning and case management.Timing is importantYou can do the right thing for the right child at the wrongtime. Ask yourself if this is the time to intervene with thischild using a violence-specific intervention or if otherissues must be addressed first.Think developmentallyHow individuals remember and are affected by traumaticevents depends in part upon their age at the time. Also,coping styles vary with age. Children, teens (and alsoadults) may remember past events through the eyes ofthe age they were at the time. However, they may judgethemselves using today's expectations of themselves(e.g., “why didn't I just run away?”) Some traumas inearly life (e.g., child sexual abuse) may re-emerge asissues in later stages, like when beginning to date.Exposure to adversities over severaldevelopmental stages will be more detrimentalbecause negative effects can accumulate.Use collaborative approachesOur well-meaning efforts to help sometimes reinforce thedisempowerment of women and children. We should worktogether to support women as mothers without penalizingthem for the behaviour and choices of an ex-partner.31

little eyes,little earsThe need fordifferential response 2Interventions should ensuresafety and respect individualneeds and differencesIn devising an intervention strategy, service deliverersconsider the severity and frequency of violence, look forpower and control tactics, and ask about any other adverseexperiences affecting the children.Woman abuse is differentthan marital conflictWhile woman abuse can occur without physical assaults,relatively minor incidents such as slapping and pushing canoccur once or twice in relationships not otherwisecharacterized by coercive control tactics. 19The hallmark of woman abuseis coercive controlWoman abuse involves the ongoing, instrumental use ofcoercive control tactics against a woman by her partner tomeet his needs. Physical violence or the threat of it isoften present.The two are oftenconfused in researchThe boundaries between marital conflict and woman abusecan be blurred in general population surveys, minimizingthe true impact of woman abuse on adult victims and theirchildren. Also, symmetry between the rates of violencereported by men and women are likely to occur whensporadic violence within the context of marital conflict islumped together with the patterns of intimidation andthreat that characterize woman abuse.The type of interventionwill be differentCouple therapies appropriate for marital conflict areineffective for relationships characterized by woman abuseand may increase the risk faced by a woman and herchildren. Likewise, the reverse is true. Interventionsdesigned for male perpetrators of woman abuse are notappropriate to deal with marital conflict.Marital conflict is differentthan woman abuseMarital conflict may be part of an abusive relationship.However, marital conflict characterizes a substantialnumber of intimate relationships where one will not findwoman abuse.Judy Martin, John Langley & Jane Millichamp(2006). Domestic Violence as Witnessed byNew Zealand Children. New ZealandMedical Journal, 119: 1-14.32

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growExposure to woman abuseExposure to isolated/sporadicviolence in the context of severemarital conflictExposure to verbal marital conflictNo marital conflict, no violenceSurveys of the general populationshow that most children grow upwith no violence in their home,some will see verbal conflict,some will see one or two acts ofphysical violence (probably in thecontext of marital conflict) andsome will live with woman abuse.The adversities of childhoodOther co-occurring challenges potentially affecting thechildren are ideally considered in planning an interventionfor children.Adverse Childhood Experiences Study:www.acestudy.orgLarge-scale studies of childhood like the ACE Study helpus see that children who live with woman abuse willtypically face other challenges as well. The more frequentthe physical abuse of a mother in a family, the morelikely these are true:• The child is maltreated (emotional or physicalneglect, physical or sexual abuse, or emotional12, 14, 15, 23abuse) and subject to physical punishment.This is sometimes called poly-victimization ormultiple victimization.• TheAfamily experiences socio-economic hardship,unemployment, alcoholism, parental criminality,and/or the recent introduction or exodus of9, 12, 14a parental figure.mother's ability to be the best parentshe can be may be compromised by theabuse and its emotional and financialconsequences. 2-For many children, this “package” of adversities willcompromise health, emotional well-being and academicsuccess, in the short and/or long term. Statistically,the effect appears cumulative: the more types ofvictimization and adversities, the longer they last,and the more severe they are, the more profoundis the ultimate effect.Children may also be “exposed” to violencein the media (like movies and music lyrics),in the news, on the play ground or in schoolcorridors, and some children are exposed toviolence in their neighbourhoods.33

little eyes,little earsResponding tochild disclosures 2When working with children,some may tell you theyare being abusedA child may tell you that someone is hurting him or her,that she worries about someone who may hurt her, or thathe is not taken care of properly or supervised at home.Ask the child if others are ever hurt whenMommy gets hurt. If the answer is yes, ask, “who?”If the child says “me” or another child such as asibling, call child protection services.If you are unsure how to respond, you can call theauthorities and ask for guidance.If you suspect a child is being abused, at risk ofabuse, or not having basic needs met, it is your legalresponsibility (in most parts of Canada) to call theappropriate child protection authority: see page 37.While you may consult a supervisor for guidance, if youheard the child disclose abuse or neglect, you must makethe call, and you must call immediately. Letting the childleave your agency before you make the report can puthim or her at risk.When a child makes adisclosure of abuse...... stop for a minute and take stock of the enormousresponsibility you have:appreciate how difficult it was to reveal a family secretassume the child has decided that help is needed• understand the risk to the child if you do not respondappropriatelyDisclosures of woman abuseA child may tell you that his or her mother is being hurt byher partner. In some parts of Canada, this is explicitly areason to involve the child protection authorities. Exposureto domestic violence may be seen as a form of emotionalharm or as a factor that elevates the likelihood a child willbe maltreated directly. If unsure of the situation in yourprovince or territory, consult your supervisor or ask thelocal police.Failure to act may discourage a child fromtelling anyone for a long time and placehim or her at risk of further harm.Allow the child totell his or her storyUse active listening. Do not pressure the child to talk.Remember that your role is not to gather evidence orconduct an investigation.34

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growReassure the child byvalidating his orher feelingsAcknowledge the child's feelings with statements such as“sounds like that was scary for you.” Depending upon thesituation, it may be helpful to say you are glad he or shetold you and that you want everyone to be safe.Do not makecommitmentsyou cannot keepStatements such as “I'll keep your secret” or “I won't lethim hurt your mom anymore” may diminish a child's trustin you and others if subsequent experience shows thosestatements were not true. The child might come to believethat no one can help and it is not worth telling anyone.If a child asks you to keep this secret, it isimportant to explain that you may need to tellsomeone whose job it is to help children be safe.Follow the child's leadSome children have short attention spans and spend littletime on any one topic, even if it is a distressing one. Letthe child say as much or as little as needed.Do not criticize or speaknegatively about theabusive parentChildren often have confused feelings. They may hate theabuse, but have a close bond to the abusive parent andenjoy times spent together. Reluctance to tell may belinked to a fear of marital separation. If you criticise theabusive parent, a child's feelings of loyalty andprotectiveness toward the parent may cause the child tofeel that you are not the person to speak with about theabuse.A child who does not receive the hoped-forreaction may not disclose again.The Canadian Incidence Study ofReported Child Abuse and Neglect foundthat, among substantiated incidents ofexposure to domestic violence reportedto or discovered by child protectionauthorities, in 9% of cases there wasemotional harm serious enough torequire treatment.-Nico Trocmé, Barbara Fallon, Bruce MacLaurinet al. (2005). Canadian Incidence Study ofReported Child Abuse and Neglect - 2003:Major Findings. Ottawa ON: Minister ofPublic Works and Government Services Canada.[www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]35

little eyes,little earsBarriers tochild disclosure 2Children take anenormous risk inrevealing family secretsIt is a common misperception that children experiencingabuse at home will readily tell adults such as teachers,counsellors, or health practitioners.While most children will blithely relate intimate familythings that would mortify their parents, children who growup with woman abuse or child maltreatment are just theopposite. They are warned or know instinctively thatrevealing family secrets will have dire consequences.At an age when children want to blend in with peers andbe the same, they have already realized how differenttheir family is.Why would children not tell?This depends on many factors including age andrelationship with the abuser. Also important insome cases are:• not understanding that abusive behaviouris wrong or not normalembarrassment or desire for privacybeing warned to “keep your mouth shut”• being denied contact with people whocould intervene (e.g., doctor) or havingthat contact monitoredbelieving they caused the violence• having no trusted adult in their lives• fear of consequences for themselves (e.g., beingtaken from the family)• fear of consequences for the family (e.g., arrestof father, divorce, mother being hurt)Children may deny anything is wrongeven if asked -a direct question.What is at stake for a childin telling someone?risking more (or worse) abuse• potentially being “taken away” by childprotection servicesbeing pitied, shunned, or teased by other kids• having family be angry at them and/or beingkicked out of homeSome fears are realistic and some are misunderstandings.Child Witness Project (1995). Tipping theBalance to Tell the Secret: The Public Discoveryof Child Sexual Abuse. [www.lfcc.on.ca]36

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growReportingchild maltreatmentReport suspected maltreatmentto the appropriate authoritywithout delayEach province and territory has its own system forinvestigating and responding to child maltreatment.Some differences exist but there are manycommon elements.Statutes and regulationsThe legal framework will be spelled out in a statute andregulations defining the powers and jurisdiction ofprovincial or territorial child welfare authorities. Forexample, you will find the Child & Family Services Actin Nunavut and the Youth Protection Act in Quebec.Legal definition of “childin need of protection”The legal definition typically describes experiencing orbeing at risk for physical abuse including inappropriatediscipline, sexual abuse, emotional or practical neglect,denial of medical or dental care, and factors causingemotional harm or injury.When a child is living withdomestic violence, is thata reason to make a report?If unsure, call the local child protection agency and askfor direction. Be prepared to describe the specificcircumstances of the child about whom you are concerned.A skilled social worker will consider a range of factors toevaluate each situation individually and determine ifan investigation is required.Children who live with domestic violenceare often abused directly, especially if theabuse against the mother is frequent or severe. 23How to find the child protectionauthority where you live• call• visitthe police to ask where you must reportsuspected child abusewww.cwlc.ca (the Child Welfare League ofCanada) or www.fncfcs.com (the First NationsChild & Family Caring Society of Canada)Exposure to domestic violence is one of thefactors that may cause emotional harm or injury.This is spelled out in the statutes of someprovinces/territories and implied in others.Chiachen Cheng, Catherine Munn et al.(2006). Child Maltreatment: A “What To Do”Guide for Professionals Who Work With Children.Ottawa ON: National Clearinghouse on FamilyViolence. [www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]Child Welfare League of Canada (2001).Parenting in Canada. [www.cwlc.ca]37

little eyes,little earsTaking careof yourself 2Hearing horrific storiesfrom women and childrenchanges usBe prepared for the emotional impact you may feel whenworking with victimized women and children. Their storiesmay leave you feeling sad, angry, or shocked. While thesefeelings are normal, it is not helpful to share them directlywith the woman or her children.How can thiswork affect me?• howWhen you need to talk, find a supervisoror colleague for debriefing.I feel (e.g., anxious), think (e.g., diminishedconcentration), act (e.g., use of coping strategiessuch as alcohol to relax), and interact with others(e.g., withdrawal from friends)• my• myhealth (e.g., somatic reactions, impairedimmune system)work as a professional, including performanceof job tasks, morale, interpersonal relationshipswith colleagues, and behaviour on the job(e.g., absenteeism)What can I do?• develop constructive coping strategies such as goodnutritional habits, exercise, adequate sleep, hobbies,massage, time to relax• avoid overwhelming myself with overwork,take breaks, limit overtime hours• be aware of negative coping strategies (e.g.,using alcohol/drugs to cope)• develop and maintain good support networks,both on and off the job• work within my agency to establish debriefingprotocols and other strategies to mitigate thecumulative effects of the workJan Richardson (2001). Guidebook onVicarious Trauma: Recommended Solutions forAnti-Violence Workers. Ottawa: Health Canada.[www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]If you start to feel that your work is affectingyou in these ways, seek assistance or consulta supervisor.38

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growHow can I makea difference? 2Working withwomen and children isan important way toaddress domestic violenceIt's also important to work at the societal level to promoteequality of women and challenge attitudes condoningviolence. Here are just a few examples.In my family...I can challenge rigid gender roles• I can challenge any sexist remarks,jokes or demeaning comments• I can be a good role model for youngermembers of the familyIn my intimate relationships...• I can create a healthy, equal relationshipfor myself and my partnerAs a parent...• I can raise my children to respectthemselves and respect others• I can use positive discipline thatteaches and choose not to spankIn my school...• I can ask that violence against womenand children be part of the curriculum• I can support my friends when they experienceintimate violence, not judge them, and provideinformation so they can make good decisionsto be safeOn the job...• I can encourage my employer to acknowledge theissue, have policies against sexual harassment,and create a respectful workplace environmentNew Brunswick Family Violence andthe Workplace CommitteeFamily Violence, It's Your Business:A Workplace Tool Kit [www.toolkitnb.ca]In my community...• I can volunteer at an anti-violence agency,donate money, or assist with fundraising• I can promote gender equality in mycommunity activitiesHealth Canada (2004). What's Wrong WithSpanking? Positive Parenting Tip Sheet.[www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]39

little eyes,little earsWhere to getmore informationThere is a lot more informationavailable on this topicLundy Bancroft (2004). When Dad Hurts Mom: HelpingYour Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse.New York NY: Penguin.Margaret Feerick & Gerald Silverman, eds. (2006).Children Exposed to Violence. Baltimore MD: Paul H.Brookes Publishing.Peter Jaffe, Linda Baker & Alison Cunningham, eds. (2004).Protecting Children from Domestic Violence:Strategies for Community Intervention. New York NY:Guilford Press.Additional on-line Documentsnot Previously MentionedAmerican Psychological Association (2003). TeachCarefully: How Understanding Child DevelopmentCan Help Prevent Violence. Washington DC: APA.[www.actagainstviolence.apa.org]Linda Baker & Alison Cunningham (2005). Professor'sResource Guide to Teaching About Woman Abuse andits Effects on Children. London ON: Centre for Children& Families in the Justice System. [www.lfcc.on.ca]Michael Bopp, Judie Bopp & Phil Lane Jr. (2003).Aboriginal Domestic Violence in Canada. Ottawa ON:Aboriginal Healing Foundation. [www.ahf.ca]Tara Black, Nico Trocmé, Barbara Fallon et al. (2005).Children's Exposure to Domestic Violence in Canada:CECW Information Sheet # 28E. Montreal QC : School ofSocial Work, McGill University. [www.cecw-cepb.ca]Alberta Council of Women's Shelters & Alberta Children'sServices (2006). Building a Collaborative,Community-based Response: A Guide for Sheltersand Child and Family Services Authorities inProtocol Development. Edmonton AB. [www.acws.ca]UNICEF (2006). Behind Closed Doors: The Impact ofDomestic Violence on Children. New York NY: UNICEF.[www.violencestudy.org]Statistics Canada [www.statcan.ca]Use the Internet to find these sources of statistics.• 2004 General Social Survey (victimizationsurvey of the general population)• Uniform Crime Reporting Survey(annual police statistics)Homicide Survey (annual police statistics)Transition House Survey (biennial)• Canadian Incidence Study of ReportedChild Abuse and Neglect• National Longitudinal Survey onChildren and Youth (on-going)See also the summaries of statistics in the seriescalled Juristat from the Canadian Centre forJustice Statistics.40

how violence against a mother shapes children as they growNational Clearinghouseon Family Violence[www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/nc-cn]This site from the Public Health Agency of Canada has awealth of information. All documents can be downloadedat no cost and are available in both French and English.Among the many documents are directories of servicesacross Canada and fact sheets with summaries of thelatest research.Many resources cited in Little Eyes,Little Ears can be downloadedor ordered from the National Clearinghouseon Family Violence web site.Other helpful web sitesNational Aboriginal Circle Against Family Violencewww.nacafv.caBritish Columbia Institute Against Family Violencewww.bcifv.orgParent Link Centre (Alberta)www.parentlinkalberta.caOntario Women's Directoratewww.ontariowomensdirectorate.gov.on.caHotPeach Pageswww.hotpeachpages.netCentre québécois de ressources en promotionde la securité et en prévention de la criminalitéwww.crpspc.qc.caWhite Ribbon Campaignwww.whiteribbon.caThe Centre for Children & Families in the Justice Systemhas many on-line resources that can be found at:www.lfcc.on.ca/children_exposed_to_domestic_violence.htmlSome recent articlesIf you have access to scholarly journals,these articles might be of interest.Linda Davies & Julia Krane (2006). Collaboratewith Caution: Protecting Children, Helping Mothers.Critical Social Policy, 26(2): 412-425.Shanta F. Dube, R.F. Anda, V.J. Felitti, V.J. Edwards &D.F. Williamson (2002). Exposure to Abuse, Neglect,and Household Dysfunction Among Adults WhoWitnessed Intimate Partner Violence as Children:Implications for Health and Social Sciences.Violence & Victims, 17(1): 3-17.David Fergusson, Joseph Boden & L. John Horwood(2006). Examining the Intergenerational Transmissionof Violence in a New Zealand Birth Cohort.Child Abuse & Neglect, 30(1): 89-108.David Finkelhor, R.K. Ormrod & H.A. Turner (2007).Poly-victimization: A Neglected Component in ChildVictimization. Child Abuse & Neglect, 31(1): 7-26.Jennifer Hardesty & Lawrence Ganong (2006).How Women Make Custody Decisions and ManageCo-parenting with Abusive Former Husbands.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,23(4): 543-563.Australian Domestic & Family Violence Clearinghousewww.austdvclearinghouse.unsw.edu.auMinnesota Center Against Violence & Abuse (MINCAVA)www.mincava.umn.edu41

References cited1. Linda Baker & Lynda Ashbourne with Margaret Steele(2002). Treating Child & Adolescent Depression: AHandbook for Children's Mental Health Practitioners.London ON: Centre for Children & Families in theJustice System.2. Linda Baker & Alison Cunningham (2005). Learning toListen, Learning to Help: Understanding Woman Abuseand its Effects on Children. London ON: Centre forChildren & Families in the Justice System.3. Linda Baker & Alison Cunningham (2004). HelpingChildren Thrive / Supporting Woman Abuse Survivorsas Mothers: A Resource to Support Parenting. LondonON: Centre for Children & Families in the JusticeSystem.4. G. Anne Bogat, E. DeJonghe, A.A. Levendosky et al.(2006). Trauma Symptoms Among Infants Exposed toIntimate Partner Violence. Child Abuse & Neglect,30: 109-125.5. Jodi-Anne Brzozowski, Andrea Taylor-Butts & SaraJohnson (2006). Victimization and Offending Amongthe Aboriginal Population in Canada. Canadian Centrefor Justice Statistics: Juristat, 26(3).6. Wendy Bunston & Helen Crean (2001). Group WorkManual for Children and their Mothers Living withDomestic Violence: Parents Accepting Responsibility -Kids are Safe (PARKAS). Flemington, Australia: RoyalChildren's Hospital.7. Judith A. Cohen & A.P. Mannarino (2006). PsychosocialInterventions for Maltreated and Violence-exposedChildren. Journal of Social Issues, 62(4): 737-766.8. Alison Cunningham & Linda Baker (2004). What AboutMe! Seeking to Understand the Child's View ofViolence in the Family. London ON: Centre for Children& Families in the Justice System.9. Mia Dauvergne & S. Johnson (2001). ChildrenWitnessing Family Violence. Canadian Centre forJustice Statistics: Juristat, 21(6).10. Mia Dauvergne & Geoffrey Li (2006). Homicide inCanada, 2005. Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics:Juristat, 26(6).11. Maxia Dong, R.F. Anda, V.J. Felitti et al. (2004). TheInterrelatedness of Multiple Forms of Childhood Abuse,Neglect, and Household Dysfunction. Child Abuse &Neglect, 28(7): 771-784.12. Shanta R. Dube, R.F. Anda, V.J. Felitti, V.J. Edwards& D.F. Williamson (2002). Exposure to Abuse, Neglect,and Household Dysfunction Among Adults WhoWitnessed Intimate Partner Violence as Children:Implications for Heath and Social Sciences.Violence & Victims, 17(1): 3-17.13. D.M. Fergusson, J.M. Boden & L.J. Horwood (2006).Examining the Intergenerational Transmission ofViolence in a New Zealand Birth Cohort. Child Abuse& Neglect, 30(1): 89-108.14. D.M. Fergusson & L.J. Horwood (1998). Exposure toInterparental Violence in Childhood and PsychosocialAdjustment in Young Adulthood. Child Abuse &Neglect, 22(5): 339-357.15. David Finkelhor, R.K. Ormrod & H.A. Turner (2007).Poly-victimization: A Neglected Component in ChildVictimization. Child Abuse & Neglect, 31(1): 7-26.16. Hadass Goldblatt & Z. Eisikovits (2005). Role Takingof Youths in a Family Context: Adolescents Exposed toInterparental Violence. American Journal ofOrthopsychiatry, 75(4): 644-657.17. Tina Hotton (2001). Spousal Violence After MaritalSeparation. Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics:Juristat, 21(7)18. Dermot Hurley (2006). Internalized OtherInterviewing of Children Exposed to Violence. Journalof Systemic Therapies, 25(2): 50-63.19. Michael P. Johnson (2006). Conflict and Control:Gender Symmetry and Asymmetry in DomesticViolence. Violence Against Women, 12(11): 1003-1018.20. Ernest Jouriles, R. McDonald, et al. (2001). ReducingConduct Problems Among Children of Battered Women.Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology,69(5): 774-785.21. A.F. Liebermann & P. Van Horn (2005). Don't Hit MyMommy: A Manual for Child-Parent Psychotherapywith Young Witnesses of Family Violence. WashingtonDC: Zero to Three Press.22. Bruce D. Perry (2005). Maltreatment and theDeveloping Brain: How Early Childhood ExperienceShapes Child and Culture. London ON: Centre forChildren & Families in the Justice System.23. Susan M. Ross (1996). Risk of Physical Abuse toChildren of Spouse Abusing Parents. Child Abuse &Neglect, 20(7): 589-598.24. Statistics Canada (2006). Family Violence in Canada:A Statistical Profile 2006. Ottawa ON: Minister ofIndustry.25. Statistics Canada (2006). Measuring Violence AgainstWomen: Statistical Trends 2006. Ottawa ON: Ministerof Industry.26. Statistics Canada (2005). Family Violence in Canada:A Statistical Profile 2005. Ottawa ON: Minister ofIndustry.27. Andrea Taylor-Butts (2005). Canada's Shelters forAbused Women, 2003/04. Canadian Centre for JusticeStatistics: Juristat, 25(3).200 - 254 Pall Mall Street • London • Ontario • Canada N6A 5P6 • www.lfcc.on.ca