March 27, 2009 - The Austin Chronicle

Arriving in AustinApril 20, 2009The human body as thecanvas for moving art.Electrifying musicin an unforgettable show.TUACA Body Art Ball Go totuacabodyartball.comfor your ticket.Stay inside the lines.Drink responsibly.www.tuaca.comTuaca Italian Liqueur, Livorno, Italy.35% Alc. By Vol. Imported by Brown-FormanBeverages, Louisville, KY. ©2009Tuaca and Body Art Ball are registered trademarks.BY CHUCK SHEPHERDOnce again, a man was found to have climbed into the waste tank of anoutdoor toilet, but according to a March report in the Twin Falls, Idaho,Times-News, the emergency crew seemed to accept his story that it was alla mistake and not a manifestation of perversion. Rescuers from the townof Filer, Idaho, said the man told them he was just looking for his keys thathe had accidentally dropped and had been in the tank for 15 minutes beforehelp arrived. The man declined to identify himself, and no official report wasrequired, but after the man was hosed off by a fire truck, he “discovered”that his keys had been in his pocket all along, and he drove away.LEAD STORYAmericans’ Special Relationship with“Taxes”: It is not just that the secretary of theTreasury owed back taxes for years or thattwo other presidential cabinet-level nomineesowed back taxes. In January, federal prosecutorsrevealed that District of Columbia CouncilMember Marion Barry, who was already onprobation after a 2005 conviction for failing tofile tax returns for the years 1999 through2004 and subsequently almost tauntinglyfailed to file a return for 2006, has now doubled-downthe taunt by failing to file for 2007.And in March, a Georgia state senator proposedpunishment for the 22 members of theLegislature who either owed back taxes orhad failed to file returns for at least one yearsince 2002. The 22 were not identified, incompliance with privacy laws, but the Senate’sDemocratic leader, Robert Brown, outed himselfas one of the 22 in the course of callinghis scolding colleague a “bloodsucker.”PRODIGIES1) The Two-Legged Dog: Pet rescuer JudyWalker of Oviedo, Fla., and Oklahoman JudeStringfellow are battling over custody ofWalker’s two-legged puppy, who Walkerbelieves has special needs but whoStringfellow is seeking to adopt, in part toportray Stringfellow’s own famous, hind-legswalkingdog, Faith, as a puppy in a movie sheis working on. Stringfellow said Walker hadreneged on a firm Feb. 2 adoption date andimplied that she had hired celebrity attorneyMark Geragos to get the puppy. 2) The11-Year-Old Bullfighter: Michelito LagraverePeniche killed six young bulls in a singlefight before 3,500 spectators in Mérida,Mexico, in January, despite the mayor’s banon the event as a child-labor violation (butwhich was allowed to proceed afterMichelito’s father appealed to a state prosecutor).Michelito began his career in thering at age 4.INEXPLICABLEA 25-year-old man was arrested in FortWalton Beach, Fla., in February after anapparent suicide attempt. According topolice, the man tried to gas himself insidehis car in a closed garage but apparently didnot have a garage himself and was arrestedfor trespass when he drove into a stranger’sgarage for the attempt, causing about$1,000 worth of damage.Total nudity is prohibited during Brazil’sannual Carnival as immoral and, especially,artistically tacky, but samba dancer DaniSperle appeared in the street parade in Riode Janeiro in February wearing a headdress,necklace, matching armbands, and nothingelse except a patch 3 centimeters long (1.2inches) covering an intimate area.ROY TOMPKINSLEAST COMPETENT PEOPLEHow Could These Victims Have AcquiredSo Much Money in the First Place? 1) A27-year-old “psychic” was sentenced to twomonths in jail in San Jose, Calif., in Decemberafter somehow convincing a woman, whohad come to her for a $10 reading, to payher, in ever-increasing increments, $108,000for a “spiritual cleansing.” 2) Charles Silveirafiled a lawsuit in March in Morristown, N.J.,to recover the $250,000 he had incrementallypaid to a “psychic” who said she neededto make a golden statue for him to wardoff negativity. The woman also convincedSilveira to buy her a $700,000 home, butthat house is in Silveira’s name, and he hasasked a court’s permission to evict her.Crime Doesn’t Pay (except maybe $25 anhour): According to police in Longview, Wash.,a 57-year-old woman entered a WinCo Foodsstore at 5am on March 2 and did not leavethe store until 5pm and upon exit, paid forabout $80 worth of groceries but also possessedabout 100 other small, concealeditems such as greeting cards, sunglasses,and batteries (the total value of which wasabout $300). She had spent at least part ofthe day surreptitiously removing the items’packaging so they would not appear to bethe store’s stock.A ‘NEWS OF THE WEIRD’ CLASSIC(JULY 1991)In March 1991, Florence Schreiber Powers,44, a Ewing, N.J., administrative law judgeon trial for shoplifting two watches, calledher psychiatrist to testify that Powers wasunder stress at the time of the incidents.The doctor said Powers did not know whatshe was doing “from one minute to the next”for the following reasons: recent auto accident,traffic ticket, new car purchase, overwork,husband’s kidney stones, husband’sasthma (and noisy breathing machine intheir bedroom), menopausal hot flashes,“ungodly” vaginal itch, bad rash, fear ofbreast and anal cancer, fear of dental surgery,son’s asthma, mother’s and aunt’s illnesses,need to organize parents’ 50thwedding anniversary, need to cookThanksgiving dinner for 20 relatives, purchaseof 200 gifts for Christmas andChanukah, attempt to sell her house withouta broker, lawsuit against wallpaper cleaners,need to return newly purchased furniture,and toilet constantly running. (Nonetheless,she was convicted.)UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPTIn Airdrie, Alberta, in January, police officersresponded to a report from the RalphMcCall Elementary School that a man wasstanding in the yard yelling with a portableloudspeaker toward a group of frolickingkids, calling: “Girls in the field, come over tomy truck. Come pet my dog.” When alarmedadults nearby approached him, the manquickly got in his truck and took off.Visit Chuck Shepherd daily atwww.newsoftheweird.blogspot.com(or www.newsoftheweird.com).Send your Weird News to: Chuck Shepherd, PO Box18737, Tampa, FL 33679 or weirdnewstips@yahoo.com.©2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE62 T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E MARCH 27, 2009 a u s t i n c h r o n i c l e . c o m