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4 SEREN March 2001 THINGS TO SEE AND DO news@seren.bangor.ac.ukWe all know about ComicRelief and the great workthey do. If you haven’t realisedyet, Red Nose Day is on Friday16th March. This is the first yearthat Comic Relief has been bilingual,so make the most of it! Manyclubs, societies and sporting clubsare holding events, and the mainevent will be a pyjama party inTime on the Friday night. Wearyour jim-jams and say pants topoverty! (See article below—Ed.)One charitable cause that youmay not have heard about, however,is RAG. Bangor RAG exists toraise loads of money for local charities,while having a laugh, partyinghard, drinking too much andusually chundering.Saturday 17th March sees thekick-off of RAG week, a wholeweek of fun and silliness devotedto raising hard-earned cash forthese noble causes. At the pier wehave the annual RAG Bungee Jump,a great opportunity to experiencethe most fantastic feeling in theRAGs to riches...James Brownsell, the SU’s resident RAGamuffin explains how to say “Pants!” and help othersentire world—yes, it’s even betterthan the-morning-after-curry-fartin-bedfeeling! Trust me, I did itlast year. Twice. Yes, of course, Ipooped myself, but it’s close tothe Tap and Spile, so there’s liquidrefreshment available for those ofus who need it most. This is agreat thing to come and watch,even if it is from the warmth ofthe bar. We should have loads ofpeople turning up, local press andall-sorts!The rest of the week sees suchgreat stuff as a £1,000 giveawayin Time—that’s right, you payjust £1.50, get a raffle ticket andsomeone walks away with £1,000.Second place gets a dodgy LPof the RAG committee’s choice.We are also organising “The biggestdrinking competition in theworld… ever!”—a chance to getyour name into the Guinness bookof records by downing a pint. Turnup at the pier on Tues 20th March,pay your registration fee (£4),get your free T-shirt, get yourLet us entertain youChris Hirst reports on events both recent and upcomingfree pint, get your free souvenirglass, and wait in line as over athousand students descend ontoBangor pier. When the word isgiven, each member of the twoteams will drink their pint in asequential order. The first teamto finish is the winner, and allcompetitors get their name inthe Guinness Book of Records!Wicked!On Wednesday 21st March,there are two events for you topick from—in Time, we have TheSession, a fantastic bands nightwith the most excellent Lear, asfeatured on Radio 1, and themostly excellent Charlie Brown,a local student band who rockedthe Rathbone-Reichel ChristmasBall. At the Octagon we have a‘Talentless Show’—think you cando a song or juggle? Get up anddo it! Hosted by the phantasmagoricalKevin Myers, this will bea top night for anyone who likescheesy music and public nudity!Thursday is elections day, so goand vote! Friday 23rd, however,is a different story… fancy somethingdangerous, but too scaredto do a bungee? Try firewalkinginstead— a two hour ‘Learn orBurn’ seminar is provided, beforestepping out onto 20ft of burningcoals in the name of charity. £100minimum sponsorship is required,but whoever raises the most over£300 gets a weekend for twocruise to Amsterdam!Sponsor forms for the Bungeeand the Firewalk are availablefrom SU reception.RAG week will only be a successif you support it. Please cometo the events. Please make a donation.Please have a laugh. Pleaseget ridiculously drunk. Pleasemake arses of yourselves jumpingoff cranes or walking acrosscoals hot enough to melt aluminium.Please email me at:rag@undeb.bangor.ac.uk if youwant any more information.Looking forward to italready…RAG asks you to say aaaah!Bedroom to BedlamDo you often sit in your room and wish thatyou could be the next Sasha? Or are youstill waiting for that chance to shine, butit just hasn’t come yet? Well, WednesdayMarch the 14th could be the day for you orthem. The Ents Committee in conjunctionwith Red Bull are holding an all day eventlooking to find the DJ talent of the future.So what’s the catch and what do youget? During the day in Main Bar there willbe open heats with contestants being givenhalf-hour slots to perform sets, followingwhich the best four contestants will beinvited to perform at the final that eveningin Time at an AU Fundraising event.All you have to do if you want to getinvolved is go to reception at the StudentsUnion and pick up a registration form, fillit in and drop it back to reception by the11th of March. Ents will be in touch to letyou know what your time slot is. Bring yourmates for support/friendly criticism of youropposition (or even your own abilities) andhave a go. DJs are invited to attend whospecialise in any area, we are not lookingfor one type of music. The best DJs of theday may also be asked to join the team ofDJs working in Union Venues on a weeklybasis.Comic ReliefJukebox on Friday 16th of March certainlywon’t be like any usual Friday Night inTime. Comic Relief is scheduled to land inBangor and should certainly bea blast. Whilst after a goodnight you may occasionallyfind yourself in aheap on your bedwearing the samegarments as youwent out in thatday, this certainlyshouldn’t be aproblem forComic Relief. Yesit’s going to be apyjama party, andthe prizes for bestMale and Female costumeswill be tickets tothe Summer Ball. The nightis being organised by the EntsCommittee in conjunction with RAG andthe Dance Club. Attractions include an alternativepresentation of Uptown Girl with thedance club and extras, a sponsored male legwaxand a game of ‘Whose Pants Are TheyAnyway?’ Plus of course all of the music whichyou expect to hear on a Friday in Time.Traffic Light PartySo where do you go on Wednesdays? Well,people didn’t on the 14th of February, withjust under 600 attending the Ents Committee’sTraffic Light Party. Whilstthe Octagon only manageda mere 320 people,we saw people leavingthe Octagonand coming toTime—and thatmust be a turnup for thebooks!Stagingan event isalways a precariousactivity especiallywhen you aregoing up against theOctagon’s main studentnight, especially onValentine’s Day. The Ents Committeeworking in conjunction withStage Crew, who organised the lighting rig(and the famous traffic lights) and the AUDance Club, who performed three dancesmuch to the appreciation of most of themale population of Time. There is of courseone area of a night that you forget to organise,and for us that was the staffing for theCloakroom—so it was with some relief thatthe SCA Cloakroom volunteers stepped intothe gap.For all of those who have had theirslaves, thank you for your donation to ImperialCancer Research; and to the people whowere auctioned off, thanks for letting yourselvesbe sold.serenis proud to declare that every non-Unionadvert in this issue was provided thanks towhich is nothing to do with Ents. Soz.

6 SEREN March 2001 CULTURE culture@seren.bangor.ac.ukLiterally the bestwithWelcome to the fantasticbooks section of Seren,those of you who aren’t sick tothe back teeth of them already.As the editor of this page, I’malways happy to receive any contributionsfrom any aspiring studentwriters. If anyone wantsto be a part of this page—perhapsyou’ve really loved a book(it doesn’t have to have beenrecently published) and want torave about it—email Jasmineat culture@seren.bangor.co.uk.Similarly, I’m thinking of having apoetry corner, where people cansubmit their own poems for everyoneto enjoy, as long as they’regood! Send me your poems atthe same address and you mayget to see them in print.Anyway, this month wehave a review of the muchlaudedmemoir by Lorna Sage,Bad Blood, plus two play reviewsI’m sure I never commissioned.Oh well. Enjoy!Bad Blood by Lorna SageThis autobiography has received a lot of attentionand praise recently. It was a close runner-upin the Whitbread book of the year award,having won the biography category earlier. Unfortunately,the author died in January this year,giving a perhaps more sombre edge to the work.Bad Blood tells the story of three generationsof Lorna Sage’s family—the marriages of hergrandparents, her parents and her own marriageat the age of 16. Her grandfather was a vicarwho had a number of affairs, including a relationshipwith her mother’s 17 year old friend. Hiswife hated him, and during one argument, whenhe was drunk yet again, sliced his cheek with acarving knife. Sage’s parent’s marriage was morestable. Apparently the ‘bad blood’ of her grandfatherhad skipped a generation, only to resurfacein their daughter Lorna. Sage describes herselfduring her teens as an intelligent girl who cametop in exams and read voraciously. Her precocitystretched to other areas, and before she knew it,she was pregnant and unmarried at the age of 16in a intolerant rural town during the 1950s. Thedetermination to overcome problems set in herway is amazing—Sage revised for her A Levels154 High Street, BangorTel. (01248) 372057through her pregnancy and gave birth only weeksbefore the exams commenced. She and her husband(only a year older than her) then managedto get to university.Although this autobiography is relativelyshort, at under 300 pages, Sage manages topack in a lot of life. The book is as much aboutthe rest of her family as it is about herself. Italso shows to those who didn’t live in the 40sand 50s a view of the country town, expansionof new housing estates, and, of course, teenagepregnancy. In such a densely-packed textthere are inevitably parts that could have beenexpanded. Some of the effects of Sage’s pregnancyare shown, such as her treatment athospital and her parents’ reaction, yet others,such as the reaction of her friends and othermembers of the community are absent. Somereactions to the book seem a little overblown,dwelling on the hardness and difficulties ofSage’s life. The fact remains that Sage had theopportunities to do what she wanted, which alot of young mothers in her position wouldn’thave had. Also, her parents were eventually supportiveof her, looking after their new granddaughterwhilst Sage was at university. However,this book is beautifully written and humorous,dealing with a number of issues, and ultimatelydeserves all the praise it has received.Culture schlockPopcorn, performed by Rostra in the LloydBuilding Theatre on 15th-17th FebruaryAnd so to BEDSFind Me, performed by BEDS in the JohnPhillips Hall on 23rd-24th FebruaryRostra have been busy bunnies this academicyear. Their relentless run of performancesin the Lloyd Building continued onthe 15th to 17th of February with a productionof Ben Elton’s Popcorn. Taking a play straightfrom major theatres to the Lloyd Building wasa slightly ambitious move on the part of directorFrankie O’Dowd, but the choice of playitself was even more ambitious. For the mostpart, especially the first act, this ambition paidoff well, but it still had some fatal flaws.All the principal characters, for those notacquainted with this play, are American. Whichis fine, but all the actors in this productionwere not American. Most held their accentsadmirably throughout, but few were perfect,many of them rushing their lines a littleand not speaking clearly enough. Still, thisis a minor pitfall of performing a play thatdemands such a lot from the actors. On thewhole, the performances were very good. IanFallon in particular stood out in the part ofBruce Delamitri, managing to maintain a credibleaccent and act very convincingly.Kirsty Harrison was also very good asScout (a Natural Born Killers-esque performancethat would have made Juliette Lewis proud).Although at times making that common mistakeof rushing her lines, her portrayal of the‘little, naive psychotic’ Scout was extremelyconvincing. Christina Stannard as Farrah Delamitriwas an excellent bit of comic relief. Herperformance as the shallow harpy of an exwifewas a joy. The only thing that let herdown was the final scene, where she missedthe opportunity to really act up. Clare Lewiswas well cast in the part of Velvet Delamitri,the pouting spoilt daughter of the Hollywooddirector, but sometimes her acting felt as ifshe was too bored to put much into the part.It’s a shame, because with a little extra sparkle,she could have really left an impression.Carina Girvan and James Dawson, althoughonly given smaller roles, were both very good,adding little touches that were subtle yeteffective. The main problem with the castingwas not the fault of the director, as Jed Brookeswas called in at the last minute to portraythe second male lead, Wayne. His acting wasgood, but his lack of professionalism on theFriday night was appalling. Every actor forgetslines, but no actor should make it so blatant.The set was surprisingly well constructedand, on the whole, it was an impressive performance.However, the rushed timescale andbold choice of play made this a lesser productionthan it should have been. Fans ofBen Elton would have enjoyed it, no doubt,but to the casual theatregoer the script feltpreachy and soon lost its humour. The strugglebetween drama and wit was well managedin this production, but even with thebest director, it would never seem quite right.Perhaps this play was let down by the fact thatit was a little over-ambitious.Lola KidneyWell done to all the first year Englishstudents who have, pardon the pun,unfolded BEDS. Bangor has a wealth oftalent, but up until now Rostra and SODAwere the only outlets, which left thosenot wanting to ‘do’ comedy or sing ratheruncatered for. With BEDS, Bangor now hasa third paradigm in its dramatic efforts.This play is an interweaving of snapshotsof Verity’s life, with her family andcareers, and how this leads up to her committalto Broadmoor. The writer wantedin the original script to use thirty-threedifferent actors for the play, but-all praiseto BEDS-they used a more bearable seven.The staging involved minimal props andno set, and the actors all remained onstage, very effectively showing how all thefactors in Verity’s life never left her eventhough she was for many months separatedfrom them in psychiatric hospitals.However the way the actors walked offand on at the beginning, interval and theend caused too much of a gap. It wouldhave worked better had they suddenlyreappeared and disappeared.BEDS gave a bold and confident performanceof Find Me. It appeared, however,that they never really knew how toportray the central character, since thereseemed to be little coherence to how shewas played. Each character in the playis swapped around amongst the actors,A bold and confidentperformance ... fora first production theyshould be commended.adding to the sense of the confusion ofthose around Verity, who suffers from anundisclosed or diagnosed mental problem.The portrayal of Verity by the fouractresses who interchanged throughoutthe play veered from comically manic todesperately confused and alone. If thiswas done for dramatic effect it didn’t quitecome off; it seemed to be more to bea lack of agreement as to how all theactresses were going to portray her, thiswas certainly somewhat confusing. Therewas however quite effective use of hittingtheir thighs with the heel of theirhands as a recognisable trait of a personwith mental issues and to let the audienceknow who was now Verity.BEDS tackled a difficult and uncomfortablesubject with compassion and seriousness,and for a first production they shouldbe commended. We wait expectantly forthe next play; perhaps, and to quote thedirector, it will be a little less “weird.”Frankie O’Dowd

movies@seren.bangor.ac.uk MOVIES SEREN March 2001 7All therightmoviesGreetings and general welcomingtype banter. Yes, I know it’sa surprise to see another editionof Seren arrive so promptly, butjust deal with it, OK? Since we lastspoke, the Oscar noms have beenannounced and both the BAFTAand Empire movie awards havestrutted their funky stuff. No reallysurprising results, apart from JamieBell’s BAFTA victory, but I’m OKwith that.I thought I might gently museabout all these rumours we’ve beenhearing about the casting of thenext James Bond. Latest press offthe holy rumour mill was that thenext film will once again star PierceBrosnan, may be called Beyond TheIce, and might just feature KevinSpacey as a villain. However, sincea rather flippant magazine interview,the name of Miss CatherineZeta Jones has been linked to therole of Bond baddie. Bizarre? Yes.Publicity stunt? Very probably. Alsoa bit dodgy, as Jones would berather crap in the role. Why isnobody suggesting Jude Law? He’dbe fab! Give the chap a coupleof years to olden up his younglittle face and he’d be spot on Britishsuave. Christian Bale of AmericanPsycho fame would be greatas well. Give these guys a chance!Of course, they might turn theirnoses up at such a nostalgic, formulaicseries, but they’d be missingthe point. Don’t mention GeorgeLazemby to ‘em neither.Also, hope you caught Memento(sounds like some kind of weird illness),I did, and I am now laughing/crying at the inadequacy of all yougentlefolk who missed it. Losers.Anyway, hope you like the sectionthis month. We have a coupleof new features for your studentviewing pleasure, hope you enjoy.‘Obsessions’ is open to all, so sendme your version of events if youwish. What film do you luuuurveto an unhealthy degree? And we’retalking role-play society unhealthyhere. If none of you geniuses writein, I’ll just have to do my own one,and you don’t want that do you?As they say, think of the children.I’m off to Sheffield this weekend.I’ll be relaxing, grooving andcatching Crouching Tiger: see myreview on this page and marvel atthe wonders of modern communicationstechnology.I’d also like to take this opportunityto call Games Editor DanHartley a Big Silly Ass. Dan, AnalysisSection, two minutes. Let theslaughter begin.Chris ChapmanLispian crouchCrouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, finally showing at the Plaza CinemaAh... Kung Fu, my dearest cinematicfriend. Mr. Myagi taughtme how to apply both wax andpaint. Jackie taught me that slapstickhigh jinks achieve greaterlaughs via the use of extreme violence.Bruce taught me that homicidalbrutality was OK if your victimhad first dishonoured your familyand (just to make your vengeancenice and kosher) maybe a Shao-Lintemple. And Keanu, well, he taughtme how a couple of wires and someCGI trickery can make even Hollywood’smost blatant dumb asslook... well... kinda cool.So the prospect of Ang Lee’sCrouching Tiger... proved to berather drool-inspiring. Mix modernSFX with old school Kung Fu movie,add middling genius director AngLee and stir vigorously in a Chow-Yun Fat sauce. Mmmm. Sadly, I wassoon to taste the sour yet strangelynutty flavour of disappointment.The plot concerns Chinese girlJen, and the attempts of MichelleYeoh (Tomorrow Never Dies) andChow-Yun Fat to set her on themartial arts straight and narrow.Stalking around this plot is ajuicy romantic longing undertonebetween Yeoh and Fat, and a nastyold Kung Fu hag known as Jade Fox(a refreshingly EVIL baddie with nodiscernable motive other than generalEVIL).The biggest disappointmentabout Crouching Tiger... is its narrative.The story and structure are asweak as newborn puppies. It restsalmost solely on the heads of thecharacters, and though these headsare strong, they are not toughenough to carry the narrative. Theargument against this would bethat this is the Chinese style, andintentional preference of abstractover solid drive, but this apingsimply does not make for an intelligentmovie. There is very littledepth here beyond the visuals andsome mild character development.However, the fight scenes arepredictably superb. Again, they arepresented in the style of Chinesefilm lore, so you just have to acceptthat an average bar room brawlinvolves a fair bit of imaginativegravity defiance. It reinforces theimpression that the whole populationof China is not only KungFu experts but also seem to havelearned the truth about the Matrixbefore Neo even came close.The choreography here isastounding, the fights resemblinglightning-fast super-cool dances ofdeath. In many ways they are moreimpressive than The Matrix’s powerfisticuffs (there are even one ortwo obvious nods in style—oneFull of beat-‘em-up excitement, butlittle in the way of adult titillationarmed fighting, anyone?), thoughthey lack a certain edge of realdanger. However, they are nonethelesssome of the most impressively-stagedaction sequences thisreviewer has ever witnessed. Theinitial night-time chase/scrap isfrankly more exciting than the prospectof free beer for a year, andas Yeoh sprints along the side of avertical wall you momentarily findyourself falling head over heels inlove with this kinetic eye-feast.Sadly, the rest of the film suffersby comparison. We have toplod through often awful dialogue(“Father! Let me avenge my mother’sdeath!”), a hideously overlongmiddle flashback (Jen in flirty desertlust romp!), and a whole caboodleof unlikely character history (“Ah,I’ve not yet had chance to revengemy father’s murder on her!”) in desperatesearch of another ruck.It also lapses into sheer sillinessfrom time to time. Jen and Fat’streetop battle would scare anEwok silly, whilst the completeinefficiency of projectile weaponsbecome rather annoying, as flyingdarts are nimbly plucked from theair on a dubiously regular basis.It is only at the end that weget something to think about, Leegiving us an impressively poignantconclusion, but sadly one with littleto do with the rest of the film.Much respect is due to Lee forall the film’s Hollywood-botheringsuccess and the genre supremacyof his fight scenes (it requires onlyan Ed Norton ‘beat myself up’ sceneto be complete). It’s just a pity thatby adopting his homelands style tosuch an extent, he sacrifices themeaning and depth of his movieconsidering how thoughtful his IceStorm was. Crouching Tiger, HiddenDragon leaves you with a playgroundmentality full of beat-’em-upexcitement, but little in the way ofany adult titillation.You disagree? Well, graffiti myShao-Lin temple and we can legitimatelytake this discussion outside.HHHII

8 SEREN March 2001 MOVIES movies@seren.bangor.ac.ukLlama/farmer karma dramaThe Emperor’s New Groove, probably still showingat the Plaza CinemaUnusually for a student, I managed to dragmyself out of bed before mid-day ona dingy Saturday to approach the cinema.Once inside, I found myself surrounded andbesieged by a frantic hoard of under-tens,but as the Disney logo appeared on thescreen, I reassured myself that I had madethe right choice.Twenty minutes in, I was starting towonder.The basic plot goes something like this: Theyoung, selfish Emperor Kuzco fires his advisorYzma (a nasty withered old crone, strangelyreminiscent of Cruella DeVille) who seeks herrevenge. Plotting his death by poison, sheinvites him to a meal and slips the potioninto his drink. However, instead of dying, heturns into a llama. Yes, you did read it right…a llama. He is then mistakenly kidnapped byupstanding Pacho the peasant (voiced by JohnGoodman). Overcoming his distaste of theEmperor’s uncaring reign, Pacho must helpKuzco out. Kuzco must rub shoulder’s withthe peasants he has previously thought of asscum, and—you guessed it—learn a coupleof important moral lessons, defeat the evilbaddies etc, etc. Okay, so it’s not too original,but come on, it’s a llama!The trailer inspired me so much that forfour months my social group resounded withshouts of “changed into a llama!” and “weMUST see it!” However, much to my annoyance,I discovered that most of the film’shigh points are shown on the trailer. Don’tget me wrong, its not that the rest of itis rubbish, just that it’s all a bit… average.The storyline is run-of-the-mill Disney staple,whilst the animation—despite a couple ofgood points—is hardly revolutionary.There are some good ideas though: Riverdancingguards (Michael Flatley eat your heartout!); an exceedingly short cartoon Tom Jones(including ginger afro!); a pump action deviltrident (clickclick!); and a very very cute babyjaguar (miaooww!). However, Disney’s wildliferesearch has obviously been a tad shoddy,as the jaguars end up looking far more likenasty black panthers. Do Disney dislike jagsor what? All credit to them though for includingPacho’s heavily pregnant wife—a first forINTO THE GROOVE: Reaction shot from the infamous Vicky Parry striptease scenea Disney cartoon I do believe!One thing that annoyed me was the film’slack of relevance to its own title; okay, soKuzco changes his selfish ways, hence hisnew groove, but he only gets jiggy for thefirst ten minutes, then… no more dancing! Iwanted more groove! And, there’s a distinctlack of music. Dammit, I watch a Disney, Iexpect a memorably funky soundtrack, notjust one song! But although I’m griping, I didenjoy it. It has its moments, and it did makeme laugh on a number of occasions. Prettygroovy. HHHIIChristina Stannard, M.D.ElephantineHannibal, until recently at the Plaza CinemaAs he surveyed the army ofmutant pigs his minions hadcreated, Davros let out a malevolentcackle. He manoeuvred hishi-tech wheelchair into position,ready to watch the slaughter.Finally his nemesis, the Doctorwould be eliminated. He raisedhis deformed head to the sky,sickly mouth opening, near uselesshand slowly clenching, hescreamed: ‘DOCTOR, YOU AREDOOMED!’OK, well, maybe a few libertieshave been taken with that plotsynopsis. Let’s try again shall we?Hannibal begins ten years afterthe events of Silence of the Lambs.Lecter (BIG Tony Hopkins) is stillhavin’ it laaarge in Europe, awayfrom those pesky no-fun Feds;mixing with the cultural eliteand enjoying a tender snack fromtime to time, just as we knew hewould. Clarice has kept on withthat catching criminals lark, onlystopping, rather oddly, to changeher Jodie Foster-styled face. MissJulianne Moore now has controlof the role, not imitating butstill copying Foster. The plot ispretty basic, with jaded Italian copPazzi (Giancarlo Giannini) locatingLecter and helping the cannibal’sarch enemy Mason Verger(Gary Oldman) to wreak his gruesomerevenge. Starling is assignedto recapture Lecter, and is forcedto keep her old adversary out ofVerger’s nasty grasp.One of the most interesting andrewarding things about Silence ofthe Lambs was that despite possessingtwo excellently-portrayedvillains, it still managed to focusitself very squarely on ClariceStarling. Silence was her story.Dwarfed by talk of fava beansand skin removals, thisfactor is often forgotten.If Hannibal doesanything, it reminds ushow important Clarice’srole was. Don’t get mewrong, this isn’t aFoster vs. Moore point,the latter is just as goodan actress, but Clariceis sidelined throughout Hannibal.We are lazily given one or tworeferences to her dad early on,but for the most part she is justshowered in genre clichés: Theraid goes pear shaped, man down,she blames herself; an old flamedetective tries to mess her about;and worst of all, she gets a ‘giveme your badge, Clarice’ scene.You almost expect to hear theominous tones of “the truth? Youcan’t handle the truth!”So this lack of Starling allowsHannibal himself to take over proceedings.You might think thiswould be a good thing, consideringhow much camp evil Hopkinsprovided in the last film. However,although he’s better thanhe’s been in years, Tony just lookslike he’s showing off, overdoingthe overacting, heightening theham. His character worked wellin Silence because of the episodicnature of his behind glassappearances: we’d descend intothe darkened FBI basement, passby the other maniacs, knowingthat the worst was yet to come.Here, with Hannibal just roamingrandomly, we never get a real feelingof suspense about his character.We never see any deeper intohis persona, and this is perhapsthe most annoying of Hannibal’sproblems.This is a beautiful film, though.Scott, at least as a visual director,continues his Gladiator return toform after ten years of shite. Onthe ‘good stuff ’ front, Gianniniis excellent as the cop on Lecter’sbloody trail: he adds a greatsense of realism (something distinctlylacking in Hopkins hamand Moore impersonations). As aresult of these splendid efforts,his section of the film is by farthe most intriguing and impressive,and is helped by its lackof reliance on what has comebefore. Oldman returns to his villainshoes (something the lyinggit swore he would never doagain), and turns in an enjoyablyevil performance as Verger, totallyunrecognisable and absent fromthe credits to avoid that ‘Gary’sdoing evil again, yawn’ factor.The biggest problems rest onthe script. The lack of substancehere is always obvious, andalthough nice looking visuals area distraction, they are not a substitute.The first hour and a halfis just a slow, sometimes dullbuild-up towards a massively overblownfinale that fails to deliver.There are also a number of jarringplot discrepancies—for example,why exactly does Verger’s butlerdo what he does? (If you’ve seenit, you’ll understand what I’m gettingat.) And the killer pigs lookgreat but are totally underused,as the film brings them in, andthen hurries to remove them fromthe plot.Overall, you are left with thesense of something far greaterhanging intriguingly in the air,avoiding the film’s sweepingneed to impress, something thatwe sadly never catch full sightof. As Hannibal’s finest set pieceshows (Lecter hanging Pazzi outto dry with his intestines onthe outside), there are definitelysome juicy morsels here—justnot enough to constitute a satisfyingmeal. HHHII

movies@seren.bangor.ac.uk MOVIES SEREN March 2001 11Yes it’s Jim Carrey, but go with it. Seriously.Andy Kaufman was always relativelyunknown in this country, with only hissitcom appearances (like 70s show Taxi)gaining attention. But his surrealist standup/performance art had a much deeperimpact in the U.S. Some proclaimed hima unique and staggering talent; others dismissedhis comic style as childish anddeeply unfunny. Whatever you think ofKaufman, though, should not influence yourenjoyment of this film.Directed by Milos Foreman (responsiblefor that other great biopic of recent times,The People Vs Larry Flynt), Man On The Moonis possibly the most underrated film of lastyear, being laugh out loud funny and genuinelymoving in equal measure. This isdue in no small part to the writing talentsof Scott Alexander and Larry Karaesewzki,who also penned Flynt and Tim Burton’sexcellent Ed Wood.The film charts Kaufman’s rise from smallGENIUS!One man’s dubious quest to discover the films thatare so bad they are somehow... gooood.Operation #2: Superman II (1980)AM PLOT! A gang of terrorists have taken hostages on the Eiffel Tower, threatening to blowI up Paris. Superman (living on Earth as Clark Kent) saves the day by flinging the elevatorcontaining the bomb out into space. However, the evil General Zod (earlier imprisoned in themystic Phantom Zone—a pane of glass flying through the universe—by Superman’s father) isfreed by the resulting deep space explosion, and, along with his malevolent cohorts Non andUrsa, he advances on Earth, eager for power and death. Meanwhile, Superman is romancingLois…. Will the General wipe out all resistance? Will Superman get laid? With Lois? Who willsurvive? And what will be left of them?EIGHT STEPS TOGENIUS…1 KNEEL BEFORE ZOD… ZOD!The man. The legend. General Zod (TerrenceStamp) is the purest form of campevil genius ever instilled on film. Bennettfrom Commando may have been cool, but hecouldn’t fly, OK?! Just the fact that his nameis General Zod... respect is due merely forthat. What guts he must have had to getthrough those hard times at school. Andwhat exactly is he a General of? Eh? Eh? Justfor your reading geek pleasure, he’s wherethe General fits into the top ten most evilnames of all time:1 General Zod2 Mumm-Ra, The Ever Living3 Sutekh The Destroyer (Dr Who)4 Scaramanga5 Gozer The Gozerian (Ghostbusters)6 Vigo (Ghostbusters 2)7 Ming The Merciless8 Bennett9 Zorin (A View To A Kill)Did you hear about this one?Man on the Moon, available to rent from Albin’s Video10 Howard The DuckHe gets to scream ‘KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!’ awhole load of times, he slips into cockneywhen he gets too angry and he walks onwater like Jesus! EVIL GENIUS!2 FLASHBACKTASTICThis holy sequel begins inauspiciously witha comfy little flashback to the first film.Why on earth do we need to know aboutLex Luthor’s damn dam attack? Or Clark’sfirst rescue of Louis? Methinks the film wasnot quite long enough, and flashbacks toexisting films are, well… cheap. Also notethat this poo script was written by Godfatherscribe, Mario Puzo. GENIUS!3 WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT’S... GENERALZOD ON THE MOONThe trio of baddies are cool, camp and collected,just like a really funky ménage a troiof gay postage stamps. They dress in kinkyblack leather stuff for no reason other thangeneral evilness. The start off by beatingup some unlucky astronauts on the Moon.Sadly the film’s ‘weightless’ effects onlyextend to the humans involved, and notbars in New York to Saturday Night Live—and his subsequent fall, brought about byhis own stunts backfiring and, eventually,cancer. The simple story is complicatedby Foreman’s blurring of the distinctionsbetween fact and fantasy. The viewer isnever sure if what appears on screen isan actual event or just one of Kaufman’stricks, still confusing audiences long afterhis death. The enigmatic nature of the filmgives the viewer a feel for the similar natureof its subject.Foreman is well served by his cast. CourtneyLove plays Kaufman’s lover, and whileher performance is not the equal of herturn in Flynt, she proves once again that sheis a surprisingly talented actor. Also worthmentioning is Danny DeVito (Kaufman’s costarin Taxi; ain’t self referencing great?)who, as Kaufman’s long suffering manager,wears a mask of constant bemusementthroughout the film.the many flags that are thrownaround. Man… fall… slow-ly…flagfallquick! Eh? GENIUS!4 OF ALL THE BAD LUCKSuperman gets a rubbish dealin this movie, unnervingly hamperedby a big long string-typerope of unfortunate coincidences.He flings the bomb out into spaceexactly to where the evil trio arepassing—d’oh! He then gets alldull and romantic and takes Louisup the Niagara Falls (so to speak).This means he knows nothing ofZod’s march of extreme death—d’oh! Then he bloody well givesup his superpowers for her, just at the timewhen he actually needs them most! D’oh!Supes only realises the presence of Zodafter he has lost his dignity in a bar fight,lying bleeding on the floor—embarrassingd’oh! Contrived? You bet your Kryptoniangreen ass! GENIUS!5 NONIf you’ve worn yourself out giggling at Zod’scamp melodrama, then, young children,turn your attention to his lovable sidekickNon. He no speaka the lingo, he cute andcuddly, he my big stupid Kryptonian manpet.He says my word (‘gnnngggnnngghhhh’)a lot as well! GENIUS!6 LEXY BABYGene Hackman: smug git. Name at top ofcredits. Hamtastic performance. No deathfactor leaving room for more sequels. Andmost importantly, the only two phrasesyou seem to say in the film are ‘South,Miss Tessmarker!’ and ‘Kill me?! Lex Luthor?World’s greatest criminal mind?! Extinguishthe greatest criminal flame of our times?!’etc, etc. GENIUS!7 BIG FIGHT!The dramatic peak comes with the Metropolisstandoff between Superman and theevil dudes. Ten minutes of utter genius,The revelation here though is Carrey. Heactually acts. Watching him pull it togetherlike this is a bizarre experience, but by theend of the film, you can’t help but respecthim. That the man didn’t receive an Oscarnomination last year is unforgivable, andsecond only to Ed Norton’s Fight Club snub.This was a personal project for Carrey(something very evident in the detailand tenderness of his performance)—understandable, as Kaufman was an influenceon just about every modern comedianworth mentioning, from Carrey’s slapstickto Chris Morris’ taboo shattering surrealism.He is also the hero of R.E.M, who’s serenadeto Kaufman gives the film its name,and who also provide the haunting score.Put it like this: this reviewer is knownfor his cynicism, and even he was nearly intears by the end of this film. Recommendationscome no higher. HHHHHDaniel Hartley Q.C.This still alone qualifies Superman II as geniuspeppered with some none-too-subtle productplacement (Zod crashes into Coca Colasign, then Supes is thrown into a Marlborovan!), some fucking cringeworthy citizenreaction bits (‘Hey! They killed Superman!Let’s get ‘em!’) and a number of obviousfight dummies. However, Zod get to dothe ultimate ‘COME, SON OF JOR-EL! KNEELBEFORE ZOD!’ And any film that featuresthe line: ‘I’ve discovered his weakness…he cares, he really cares for these Earthlings’deserves my complete religious attention.The fight then moves to Superman’sIce Temple, where the villains have thetables turned on them and THEIR powersremoved! However, when Clark lost hispowers earlier he felt loads of that painstuff, but in this case the trio feel none!Shite? Could be. Superman takes the U.S.flag back to the White House, says ‘cheers’to the Prez and the world is safe. PATRI-OTIC SLUSH GENIUS!8 THE AFTERMATHOK, OK, the first film has a whole lot moreintegrity, but for sheer fun factor, you can’tbeat Superman II. General Zod deserves aspin off series, and if I ever become a highrankingHollywood mogul, I will make surethis happens. Terrence, if you’re readingthis, then chin up old boy! COME, SON OFSTAMP! KNEEL BEFORE GENIUS! GENIUS!

12 SEREN March 2001 GAMES games@seren.bangor.ac.ukKicks for free Daniel Hartley trawls the web in search of some free gaming actionDo you like games? Do you like gettingshit for free? ‘Course you do. It’d be aceif the two were combined wouldn’t it? Well,now they are.There are hundreds of websites wheregames can be downloaded or played online.Online games can be a little simplistic, dueto the limited amount of space available onwebsites. The best site for online gamingis probably www.gamesdomain.co.uk, whohave lots of puzzle type games as well aschess, draughts, and Mah-Jong.For a more lasting gaming experience,try the excellent www.freeloader.com. Freeloaderhave major release games such asGrand Theft Auto 2 to download free ofcharge. They get away with this by allowingevery company ever formed to advertise ontheir site, and registered users receive creditsto download more games by clicking onsponsors’ banners. You have to be patient,as the site takes an age to load and you seemto be waiting forever for your games todownload. Despite these quibbles, however,Freeloader comes highly recommended.For retro gaming action, the net is awashwith emulators and games for classic computers,consoles and coin-ops. For the goodold ZX Spectrum (and I know you all had one)try www.spectrumarchive.freeserve.co.uk.This site has Jet Set Willy, Robocop, ManicMiner and Sacred Armour of Antiriad. Whyleave your house again? Downloads takeseconds, and the site is easy to use.For coin-ops, try www.mame.net (rememberGauntlet?). Fans of the Commodore64 should check out www.geocities.com/Colloseum/Pressbox for a site with over ahundred games.Unfortunately, Seren has been unableto find an Amiga emulator that actuallyworks. If anybody knows of one, or wishesto recommend other gaming sites, e-mailgames@seren.bangor.ac.uk. Have fun.Motorcycle emptinessMotoGP, out now for the PlayStation 2The PlayStation 2 really could do with somegreat games right about now. Five monthsafter its UK release the system’s catalogueof must-have titles can still be counted onone finger (SSX), and meanwhile it seems anew game arrives every week for the supposedlymoribund Dreamcast. If Sony’s Wunderkinddoesn’t find its feet soon it’s going to besimply demolished by Microsoft’s X-Box comethe New Year.With this in mind, it was with someexcitement that I discovered MotoGP in mypigeonhole. Though the PS2 is already rathergenerously blessed with racing games (RidgeRacer V, Driving Emotion Type S, Midnight Club,Wild Wild Racing, F1 2001, Pro RC Revenge,etc. etc.), none has yet quite managed to providethat sense of fluid urgency that makes aracing game a classic. A bevy of positive previewsin various gaming magazines had leftme hopeful that the eagerly-awaited MotoGPwould at last plug that gap. In fact, a few daysbefore our review copy arrived, I’d actuallybeen considering shelling out £45 of my ownmoney for it.I’m so glad I didn’t. MotoGP epitomises everythingthat’s wrong with PS2 software at themoment. The intro sequence is stunning—ajoy to watch, it had me in quite a fervour ofanticipation for the game itself. The wealthof options—thirteen different customisablebikes, five different ways to play—promise alengthy and rewarding relationship betweenman and game. The in-game graphics simplyooze class and are packed with neat littletouches, from the dust your wheels kick up asyou go off-road to the way other riders glanceover their shoulders as they hear you comingup behind them.And yet, when you get down to it, the gameitself is utterly mediocre. To play MotoGP is tohold down the ‘X’ button on the straights andlet go of it on the bends. You steer with the leftanalogue controller, brake (if brake you must)with the square button and, er, that’s it. Letgo of the accelerator too early and you slowto a crawl as the other riders vanish into thedistance, never to be caught up with. Let go asecond too late and, no matter how hard youmay be steering, you career off the track withidentical results (for some reason, no matterhow insistently you hold down the accelerator,your bike won’t go over 10mph on gravel). Intwo-player mode this is even more frustrating,as it only takes one of you to make a stupidmistake and the remainder of the race is rathera lonely experience for both of you.It’s frustrating because the makers couldeasily have added a dimension of playabilityby using the right analogue controller as theaccelerator. After all, so far as I understandmotorcycle mechanics, a throttle is not anall-or-nothing thing. The exciting part of realmotorbike racing is surely driving the enginejust that tiny bit harder as you battle to overtakeanother rider, cautiously nudging up thespeed as high as you dare, then easing off bythe merest fraction to slip round the corner.But MotoGP simply isn’t interested. You canrace with manual gears, which in theory givesyou more control over your bike, but as usualwith racing games the fiddle factor gets in theway, and at any rate nothing can change theunderlying vacuousness of the game engine.The tracks themselves, though beautifullyrendered, are also rather uninspiring, and ifyou go astray it can be very irritating trying toget back on the track and facing in the rightdirection. If the actual racing were more fun,this might not matter, but since it’s not it’sjust a further frustration.VROOM VROOM VROOM Erk bugger come ON!MotoGP isn’t dreadful. If you persevere withit and get the hang of cornering, it’s not reallyworse than any random racing game. But thePS2 already has plenty of those, many of themmore fun than this. Motorcycle nuts mightenjoy this particular take on the genre, butnormal people would be better off buyingRidge Racer V or Midnight Club to tide themover until Gran Turismo 3 comes out inJune. HHHIIDarien Graham-SmithThe Emperor’s New GrooveOut now for the PlayStationAs mentioned last month, Disney’s videogames suck. Okay,we concede that Disney don’t actually make the gamesthemselves, but come on, a little quality control wouldn’t goamiss would it? Stop churning out turgid, substandard gamesinto an already overcrowded market. Please.So it comes as a surprise (not exactly a pleasant surprise,let’s not go nuts here) that The Emperor’s New Groove doesn’tmake you want to chew off your own legs as your brain slowlydisintegrates under a barrage of shit (yes Nasia’s Revenge, wemean you). ENG is just so resoundingly average that beingharsh with it would be like hating puppies or baby otters.You play the guy who gets turned into a llama by EarthaKitt (this reviewer refuses to pay attention to Disney plotlines,so has no idea what the characters are called), and you runaround headbutting things and spitting at them in time-honoured3D platformer stylee. It’s quite easy, suggesting that,like the film, it’s aimed at seven year olds (and not nineteenyear old students). Graphically it’s nothing special, but not terribleeither. Llama-boy is, however, so irritating you frequentlyfeel the urge to throw him off of the nearest mountainside.Anyway, not as bad as Aladdin, not as good as Spyro: Year ofthe Dragon, just... myeh. HHIII

The classic farce by Brandon ThomasLloyd Building Theatre, 8pm Thu 15th - Sat 17th MarchTickets £4/£3 on the door or in advance from the SU Shop