I N S I D E T H O U G H T SOn Mothers And Unconditional LoveBY RANDY STUARTThere will be a prominent vacancyat our Mother’s Day table thisyear. My father, husband of 61 yearsto my mother, died recently. Withmy brother, my only sibling, havingleft us 30 years ago, only tworemain from our family of four to,um, celebrate.Like many couples their age, myparents spent the vast majority ofthe past two decades together. Buttheir level of sharing reached aneven higher plane when my father’shealth hit the skids last year. Mymother, whose sense of self wasalways extremely strong, came torevolve completely around him. Allday and much of the night, everyday and night, at three differenthospitals for half a year. Makingsure he got what he needed. Makingsure he felt loved every moment.Worrying about things that mightnot even happen. Crying aboutthings that probably would.And then it was all gone in a flashin a single moment.As I struggle to help my mothercope with our loss, and watch hersuffer despite my best efforts, somethinghits me. Before my father’sdeath, she had always put mebefore herself. But what registersnow, three months after the fact, isthat the depth, breadth and intensityof her love never wavered. Shehas still managed to put me beforeherself, regardless how devastatingher new life is.Around the time we had our firstinklings that my father would nevercome home, I was blessed to havejoined lives with another very specialmother. A compassionate,smart, honorable, beautiful, sophisticatedand successful lady who, incontrast to me, has had to do everythingfor herself. A mother who continuallydemonstrates pure lovetoward a challenged and challengingson who may never know howlucky he was to be born to her. A26 <strong>Inside</strong> <strong>Chappaqua</strong> <strong>May</strong> <strong>2010</strong>woman who is forced to spend farmore of her life in the crisis modethan a person should, yet always,always has the time and energy tolook into my eyes and ask what shecan do for me.It would probably be normal for mymother to feel threatened by thispotential interloper to my attentionand affection, particularly at such avulnerable time. Or resentful of thejoy I’ve been able to mix into mymourning while she grieves aroundthe clock. But she embraces hercompletely, tells me how happy sheis for me and means it even as tearsstream down her cheeks.“It is somethingmothers are born for.And give birth to.”un·con·di·tion·al ( n k n-d sh -n l).adj. Without conditions or limitations;absoluteWhen I think about these two specialmothers who make me feel sospecial, the only words that come tomind are Unconditional Love. It issomething mothers are born for.And give birth to. I have put myheart and soul into showing mymother Unconditional Love, but Ican’t quite get there, can’t quitegive her what she needs to feelgood. The way she made me feelgood all the times my life wascrumbling. Alas, Unconditional Loveonly works in one direction.Mothers’ love is unconditional bynature. We don’t hatch from eggsand immediately begin swimmingupstream against the forces of life,like fish. We’re not even born in latespring, nurse for a few months,learn to hunt, forage and eludepredators, and drop into the jaws ofnature a year or two later, likemammals in the wild. We needhelp, lots of it.Getting higher organisms like usready for our big solo gig is an allconsumingjob—at least it shouldbe—for a long, long time. And wehave evolved to do this over millionsof years, ever since it first becamean adaptive advantage to guard anest. And for those human motherswho don’t have the capacity to dropa litter of twelve in one shot, theoverlap of baby brothers and sistersstretches this period of total nurtureyet further.So the unconditional mode sets in(or should) at birth with us. Andafter enough years—maybe five orten—even begins to define the greatmoms. At what age do daughtersand sons become self-sufficient. 13?18? 21? 35? Never? At what ageshould they become self-sufficient?Some mothers choose to nurturetheir unconditional trait and carry itthrough to the end. Or perhaps itchooses them. Either way, these arethe women I dedicate these wordsto. The Ritas and the Christines; theGails and the Graces; the Elainesand the Jodis; the Deirdres and theJills; the mothers of the pre-schoolersI work with in town. You, if youare a mother. Your mother, whetheryou are one or not.And my message to everyone whohas or has had a mother is Love herwith all your heart and soul on thisspecial day. Love her unconditionallyfor this one day, because the restof the year Unconditional Lovethrives only in the hallowed groundof motherhood.And to honor your mother, helppass this love, help pass her magicseed, onto your children’s children’schildren.Happy Mother’s Day.RANDY STUART creates, teaches andaspires to unconditional love.
Le Jardin du RoiFrench BistroNEW!Prix Fixe 3 Course Menu4-6 p.m. Mon-Thursday$19.95 and BBQ to go!Great for Home Dinnersor Parties!95 King Street<strong>Chappaqua</strong>, NY 10514Tel: 914-238-1368Fax: 914-238-4864Hours: 8am to Midnight <strong>May</strong> <strong>2010</strong> <strong>Inside</strong> <strong>Chappaqua</strong> 27