Victim's Informer Newsletter - Texas Department of Criminal Justice

Forgivenessby Cheryl HunterForgiveness is typically defined as the process ofconcluding resentment, indignation or anger as aresult of a perceived offense, difference or mistake,and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgivenessas ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim onaccount of an offense or debt’.I must admit that this concept hasnever been a strong point with me.However, as I age, I learn more andthese lessons have definitely changedmy perspective. Last year, I wrote anarticle for our newsletter about Parasailing.The changes that parasailing madein my life were positive following thedeath of my beloved daughter MistyDawn Hunter and her friend. This pastyear has been a good year for me. Myhealth has improved, I am active in mycommunity as a volunteer for MADD,Friends of the Family (Sexual AssaultTeam assisting those who are victimsof sexual assault), and recently takingcare of the newborn babies who cometo my church--what fun--a couple ofdays a week. Life is better. But, I stillhad one last hurdle to get over--thehardest hurdle of all. And that had todo with forgiveness.Anger is a funny thing. It never hurtsthe person with whom you are angry,but it does take a great personal toll onthe one who is angry. I have been angryat the man who made the choice todrink and then get behind the wheel ofhis ¾ ton pick-up, killing my daughterand her best friend. He brought suchblinding pain to me that Itruly believed I would neverhave a real life again. I turnedmy back on God and also myfaith as a result of the injusticeserved upon these two beautifulyoung women. I musthave asked a million times “WHY” andI will understand someday, but I do nothave to understand today.On February 20, 2009, I had a face toface meeting with the man who killedmy daughter. I have been preparing forthis moment for the past eight monthswith the assistance of the State of Texas-CriminalJustice Division VictimServices Mediator. This process is inplace for the benefit of those victimswho have lost family members to violentcrimes. It is strictly voluntary forboth parties. I had to request mediationand it took a year for CJD just to get tome to start the process. I met with themediator and he gave me some formsto fill out. He asked me why I wantedto do this. I told him that this manhad never told me he was sorry. Also,I had said some things that I wished Ihad not said to him during the trial. Ialso said that I wanted to know whathe remembered about the crash and seeif he had any remorse for his actions. Imet with the mediator each month foreight months, and each time we met wediscussed the why’s, how’s and when’sof the program. The offender had toagree to meet with me, and he couldwithdraw his consent at any point in theprocess even after our personal meetinghad started.It was during this preparation timethat I realized how much damage I haddone to myself by harboring this angerand resentment I had toward the offender.He did not get sick from myhate, but I did. I was hospitalized 13times in the first year after her death alldue to stress-related illnesses. I reallyhad a desire to die. But I had made apromise to Misty that, if she ever diedbefore me, I would not give up on living.I went through the motions ofliving, putting one foot in front of theother day after day with no meaning orjoy. I could not sleep so I ate to keep upmy energy, gaining 75 pounds over afive year period. I felt alone in a crowdand hopeless most of the time. I cutout celebrating anything except at workwith my CIGNA family. I am sure that Iwas not always pleasant, but somehowthey all managed to love me throughthe pain in spite of myself.My daughter-in-law accompaniedme to the state prison facility wherethe offender is incarcerated. He is justabout to complete the first of two sixyear sentences that he received for thedrunk driving fatalities. I did not knowwhat feelings to expect when I saw theoffender again. I had asked everyone Iknow to lift me up in prayer to God onthat day. I was very surprised when Icontinued on page 10TxCVCVOL.14, N.1 – MAR/APR 20099