Sept. - The Raleigh Hatchet, a monthly music, art and humor ...

Dear Claire,I am moving to NYC in two weeks but,through serendipity, I met this wonderfulwoman in Raleigh. We’ve spent every daytogether for the past week and can’t getenough of each other. My question is this, arewe delusional? This is not a fling or casualrelationship- we have realized that we’rereally into each other.How is this relationship going to go forward?(unsigned)Dear ----,This IS a conundrum, however not necessarilya bad thing. Often I have said to myself (propsto Deborah Westmoreland), “Self, what weneed is a man who doesn’t have enoughtime for us.” Point being, what often seems tohappen when we meet a “special someone” isthat we become consumed with the promiseof a new relationship- finally, we have found“the one”, finally, we have found our “cosmiclove” (props to Sara Bell), finally whateverit is that we have been waiting for and ismeant to be has arrived and is, well, being,or becoming, or whatever. Therefore, weallow ourselves to delve completelyinto this person, ignoring ourresponsibilities (and friends) and letourselves become overtaken by thatbeautiful maelstrom of allegedlyneverending happiness. Well, Isay bullshit. I no longer believe incosmic love (right now) and I don’t thinkit lasts (until the next time I experienceit) and I firmly believe that it will breakyour fucking heart and you should runaway as fast as you can (except for whenit’s truly true love) so I think you twoshould just get REAL (unless, of course, itIS real, in which case you should go, Go,GO with it!).But REALLY, I think you should have along-distance thing for a while and see where itgoes. It’s quite glamorous, being a long-distancelover in an exciting city where the two of youhave weekend trysts filled with romance andsex- why not? Absence DOES after all makethe heart grow fonder, which can give onethe (sometimes) false sense that everything isperfect but what’s wrong with that? Even if itdoesn’t work out in the long run, you’ll have agreat time figuring it out.Of course, once you’ve gone LD for a whileyou’ll have to move to the next level (or not);in the meantime just enjoy yourselves-thereis no greater aphrodisiac than absence, orabstinence- or is it absinthe? Anyway, eventuallyyou will come to a point where you both decidethat you either can or can NOT live without oneanother and you will act accordingly- for now,my advice is to be honest with each other aboutwhat distance you’re willing to go (or travel,or move) to perpetuate the current situation,and take it from there. If neither of you canseriously consider moving to be together, say sonow- it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still enjoyeach other’s company when you can, but itmight change how you view the future of therelationship. If either or both of you is willingto relocate, then you can progress to spendingenough time together (a week is a very shorttime) to see whether such a move would beadvisable, now or in the future. The very factthat you are leaving heightens the romancefactor and the sense of urgency, so you mustget into a more settled groove before you makeany major decisions.I think you should take a little trip togetherbefore you go- somewhere where you will besomewhat isolated for a few days- which willgive each of your idiosyncratic tendencies theopportunity to surface. Everyonehas their quirks- might be a good idea to showa few to each other before the move, just incase there’s a dealbreaker lurking just belowthe surface- sometimes just being alone withsomeone in a car for a few hours can tell you aLOT. If all goes well, I say proceed to step twothelong-distance relationship- and go with theflow. These “chance” meetings often happen fora reason, even if it’s not the reason you thoughtit was- I say give yourselves every possiblechance to find out what that reason is.good luck,ClaireDear Claire,I have this “friend” who has a blossominguncontrollable drug/alcohol problem. I havea hard time helping b/c I am an enabler whenwe go out drinking together and have goodtimes. This person is distancing herself fromher friends and acquaintances b/c she getsconfrontational when she gets to that level.My question is, do I have the right to tell herthat she’s got a major problem that needsto be remedied even though I am the onethat goes out with her a lot? Also, would I belosing her as a friend by telling her that wecouldn’t go out any more?-Hungover & HelplessDear H & H,I’ll get to your questions in a moment but I haveto first ask why you put the word “friend” inquotation marks? Is this because your “friend”isn’t really your “friend” or because she is, in fact,“you”? If “she” is, in fact, “you”, please simply altermy pronouns accordingly.OK- here’s what I think: first of all you shoulddefinitely STOP “enabling” your “friend”; all you’redoing is perpetuating her irrational behaviorand if you DO decide to talk to her about it and“intervene” in some way, you are simply givingfuel to her inevitable “you are a hypocriteand an enabler” argument. Do you havea right to intervene? Absolutely- if youare truly her “friend” then it is your dutyto try to pull her out of the morass she’stumbling into, regardless of whetheryou lose her as a drinking buddy in theprocess, which you very well may. Somepeople refuse to be helped or to helpthemselves, which is very sad but thewhole “hitting bottom” thing does ringtrue: if her drug/alcohol abuse starts tolose friends for her, she may wake upto the fact that she has a real problem.If you say nothing and continue toenable her, she may never come to thatconclusion and will continue to abuseherself. Ask yourself- which would yourather be responsible for? By writingyou obviously already feel responsiblefor something. If you are really her friendyou have a right AND a responsibility to havethis conversation with her, but if you give heran ultimatum about not hanging out withher if she continues this behavior, you have tostick to it, otherwise you’re wasting your timewhich would be better spent on perpetuatingyour own drug/alcohol abuse. Of course, youcan always suggest doing activities togetherthat don’t revolve around drugs or alcohol- atall order in this town I know, but there’s gottabe something else to do around here. You DOhave the right and you MAY lose a friend butsometimes that’s what being a true friend is allabout.suck it up, or don’t,ClaireIf you have a question about love,lust or life you can contact ClaireAshby via email at twocents@raleighhatchet.com, or write her care ofThe Raleigh Hatchet,110 Glascock St. Raleigh, NC 27604