Safe Parenting Handbook (PDF 1.07 Mb) - Department of Health ...

WARNING SIGNSChildren rely on their parents for their safetyYour child has the right to care which is free from harmMake sure your child gets the best quality careSelect your babysitter carefullyAvoid leaving your child with someone aged under 16Ensure your babysitter can contact you in an emergencywho can I leave my child with?“Leaving Natalie with anyone is difficult, but I really need to have a breaksometimes. I would worry all the time if I could not rely on and trust the personlooking after my child. I’m really glad I spent the time I did finding the right babysitter.”Children will notalways be able totell you if somethingis wrong, so notechanges in theirmood, behaviourand physicalappearance. Agreewith the babysitterto discuss, fromthe beginning,all accidentsand incidents.ACTIONWHAT TO SAY PREVENTION CONTACTSUse people you Tell the babysitter Make sure you • Royal Society fortrust to care for all about your feel completely the Prevention ofyour child or ask child’s routine comfortable about Accidents (RoSPA)them to recommend and their likes your babysitter before 028 9050 1160someone. Speak to and dislikes. you leave your child • NSPCCother families who Tell the babysitter in their care. 0808 800 5000have used the about your rules,for guidelinesbabysitter you such as notare considering. smacking.Always leave acontact numberin case ofemergencies.As parents you have responsibility for thesafety and well being of your children. As aresult it is important that you think verycarefully about the suitability of any person youare going to leave them with, whether this is astranger, close relative or a friend.When you leave your child in the care ofsomeone else you are relying on that person toensure your child’s safety and welfare. Whenconsidering a temporary carer for your child it isimportant that you choose someone with theabilities and high standards that you wouldexpect of yourself. This includes someone whowill make sure your children are fed, changed,kept safe, given room to play and made feelsecure and someone who will be able to dealwith difficulties which may occur.Generally, a babysitter will come to your hometo take care of your child. Make sure you talk toyour babysitter before you leave. Let them knowwhen to expect you back and make sure theyhave contact details in case of emergencies.Babysitters do not need qualifications or acertificate to look after children. As a result,anyone can advertise his or her services as ababysitter. The NSPCC recommend that theminimum age of a babysitter should be 16years of age. This is based on the idea that, at16 and above, an individual is much moreaware of potential dangers and risks and couldseek help quickly if necessary.This age recommendation is also linked withthe possible action which could be taken by thepolice if anything were to gowrong and an injuryresulted. In certaincircumstances, you,as a parent, would beheld responsible ifanything goes wrongif your babysitter isunder 16 years of age.Often a reliable babysitterwill have a goodreputation locally andcan be recommended bya friend or neighbour.However it is essential thatyou meet personally with theprospective babysitter beforeyou decide to leave your child intheir care.45

WARNING SIGNSChildren have the right not to be hurtBullying behaviour is unacceptableBullying can happen to any child at any age“It happens mostdays. They call me smelly andfat. They made me give themmoney again yesterday.They’re in the same class andAct immediately if you think your child is being bulliedChildren need ways to protect themselves and seek helpAdvise your child to run, yell and tellthey’re always laughing at me.They said if I tell it will be tentimes worse. Sometimes Idon’t go to school… I can’tstand it anymore.”the real storyBullying is a frightening experience. It can isolateand damage a child or young person’s selfconfidence.Some ongoing bullying can havenegative long-term effects on children, leading todepression and even suicidal thoughts and actions.• Bullying is the repeated abuse of a child byone or several people• Bullying can happen anywhere but mostcommonly it happens in school8Children may runaway or not attendschool. They may notalways be able to tellyou if something iswrong. Note changesin their moods,behaviour andphysical appearancesfor no obviousreason. Also yourchild may haveinjuries with noreasonableexplanation for them.ACTIONWHAT TO SAYSee the headteacher Refuse to put upat your child’s with bullying. Walkschool to get his/her away, tell an adultsupport and to or friend and avoidensure appropriate fighting. Parents -action is taken. listen to your child,If bullying is reassure and behappening outside there for them.school, considercontacting thefamily of the childwho is bullying andtry to find a way towork together tosort it out.PREVENTIONTalk to your childabout their schoolday. Teach yourchild to respectothers from a youngage. Teach yourchild that prejudiceand bullying areunacceptablebehaviours.CONTACTS• Your child’steacher/headteacher• The Education andLibrary Board foryour area(see page 44)• PSNI028 9065 0222• Parents AdviceCentre (helpline)080 8801 0722• Kidscape(parents’ helpline)08451 205 204School days are a time when the influence ofother children is very important and fitting in isseen as essential. If children are viewed asdifferent for any reason, they can be picked onand bullied. Sadly, we still live in a society inwhich to be different in any way can meanridicule and bullying (often copied fromparents/adults) and this ensures that prejudiceswill continue into the next generation. It is crucialto be alert to the possibility of bullying and tomake sure that you know the tell-tale signs.You may think that your child is unlikely to bebullied but the reality is that bullying canhappen at any time and to any child.Bullies who continually harm other childrenneed support and help as well. They may haveexperienced difficulties of their own at home,which may have led to their actions. Reportingconcerns may help them to get help as well.• Bullying can take many forms, fromverbal/emotional abuse to harassmentand physical attack• Bullies are not always older than the childthey harmIf your child tells you about a friend or any otherchild who is being bullied - listen carefully andtake this seriously. That child may not be able tosay for themselves what is happening. Do not beafraid to seek advice (see Action point)All schools in Northern Ireland are required toinclude, within their discipline policy,measures to prevent all forms of bullying.However, school action alone cannot guaranteesuccess and so it is important that parents andschools work together.If you are not satisfied with the way your child’sschool is dealing with the matter, you can getsupport from the Education and Library Boardfor your area.9

Parents are responsible for their children’s safetySocial services become involved once concern is sharedDecisions about abuse need careful assessmentProfessionals want to work in partnership with familiesVery few children are removed from home following allegations orinvestigations of abuseChildren are best cared for by their own familiesrealities and myths“Child abuse can take many forms such as physical injury, neglect, sexual oremotional abuse. Abuse takes place in a variety of places and can be perpetrated by adultsor other children. Abuse can be perpetrated by those known to children or by strangers.Social workers work in partnership with families where there are concerns to make surethey get support before things reach a crisis.”WARNING SIGNS ACTIONWHAT TO SAY PREVENTION CONTACTSChildren suffering A social worker If you are worried It is important that • Your local HSSabuse may display (and/or sometimes about your own or children know: Trust (see page 44)physical or behavioural a police officer) will someone else’s • what to do when • Your social workersigns such as: meet with the treatment of a they feel unsafe. • Your health visitor• acting out in an family when abuse child, seek advice • how to say NO to • PSNIinappropriate sexual is reported. They about whatadult requests 028 9065 0222way, perhaps with will also talk with practical and which make them • NSPCCtoys or objects; other professionals emotional support feel uncomfortable; 0808 800 5000• becoming withdrawn in order to make is available. • that you will listen 24 hr free helplineor excessively decisions aboutcarefully to them • Parents Adviceclinging;how to help youwhen they are Centre• personality changes; and your child.telling you about 080 8801 0722becoming insecure;things which causeregressing tothem concernyounger behaviour• who to talk to andsuch as bedwettinghow to get to aor thumb sucking.safe place orMake sure you knowperson when theywhat child abuse is -feel uneasy orcontact the helplinesfrightened.in the Contacts columnfor more information.10Some adults abuse children deliberately andmost often, when abuse does happen, familiesneed support, not punishment or the removal oftheir children.Social workers and other professionals getinvolved when parents may be unable to protecttheir child from harm and need additional helpand support. A specialist PSNI team willinvestigate allegations of abuse with socialworkers to help protect children and decidewhether an offence has been committed againsta child.Many myths exist about protecting children.The realities are:1. Reporting child abuse rarely resultsin the child being removed from home.Removing children from their carers is not themain aim of child protection investigations andrarely happens. Social workers can onlyremove children from home with a court order,having demonstrated that there is a serious andimmediate risk to their wellbeing. The policealso have powers in emergency situations toprotect children when they consider it necessary.2. Children may not tell anyone of theirabuse even those trusted by them.Children may not be able to tell that they havebeen abused or understand what has occurred.They may however show signs which alertparents and carers to what has happened to them.3. Child abuse is not always easyto recognise.Often an assessment of the child and family isneeded in order to find out what has happenedand to determine what support and protectionwill best help. As a result, it can at times bedifficult to avoid some intrusion into family life.A social worker will ask questions about thefamily circumstances, consider the frequencyand the seriousness of the incident and theeffect on the child. All of these factors will helpto decide what should happen next to supportand protect the child and family.Social workers and the police have aresponsibility in law to investigate child abuse.The NSPCC also has a power, under currentlegislation, to investigate and bring careproceedings in its own right.4. Professionals are not solelyresponsible for protecting children.It is not just the responsibility of social workersto make sure that children are safe. They rely oninformation from parents, family, otherprofessionals and the local community whoall play an important part in identifyingconcerns about children with whom they are incontact. This helps to ensure that families areoffered support before the situation becomesmore difficult.11

WARNING SIGNS“John is 7, and I was very careful to visit and discuss his needs withthe staff at the after-school club. It now means I can work a full day knowing hisneeds are being met and he is in a safe environment. He has made lots of newfriends; not just other kids but members of staff too. I can relax and get on withwhat I need to do… life is so much easier.”how do I make the right choice?12All childminders and day care providers (this includes playgroups, crèchesnurseries and after-school clubs) in Northern Ireland are registered 1 andinspected by local Health and Social Services (HSS) TrustsYou should always ask to see the certificate of registrationMake a list of questions and take it with you when you visit each childcare centreTalk to other parents; personal recommendations are helpful, but you should takeup at least two referencesMake sure the childcare provider knows how to contact you in an emergencyand who is authorised by you to collect your childIf you are considering a private foster carer, you must notify the HSS Trustbefore placing your child so that it can make checks to ensure arrangementsare appropriate for your childChildren may notwant to go to thechild minder or daycare provider.Sometimes, childrenare not always ableto tell you if somethingis wrong so notechanges in theirmoods, behaviourand physicalappearances and tryto establish whythese changes haveoccurred.WEBLINKSACTIONSpeak promptly tothe person incharge about anyconcerns you haveabout your child.If you have seriousconcerns about yourchild’s safety,remove your childimmediately andcontact the EarlyYears Team at yourlocal HSS Trust.See page 45 forcontact numbers.• www.childcarechoices.n-i.nhs.ukWHAT TO SAYTell your child whowill be looking afterthem, where theyare going, how longfor and whom theyneed to ask for theirdaily needs.Find out about whata typical day orsession consists ofand let your childknow what toexpect. Be preparedand ask plenty ofquestions.PREVENTIONTake up references ormake enquiries fromothers who have useda particular childcareservice. Look fortrained andexperienced staff.Visit the facilities andlook for confident,happy, busy andrelaxed children.Check how you willbe informed aboutyour child’s progressand in case ofemergency how youwill be contacted.CONTACTS• Your localEducation andLibrary Board(see page 44)• NICMA -Northern IrelandChildmindingAssociation028 9181 1015• NIPPA - The earlyyears organisation028 9066 2825• Employersfor Childcare0800 028 3008As a parent you are often the best judge ofwhether a childcare service will meet yourchild’s needs.When you leave your child in the care of others,you might want to check that:• Their needs are being met and respected.• Their cultural background is recognised.• They will be happy there.• The atmosphere feels right.• There is a settling-in arrangement.• A stable group of children attends so yourchild can make friends.• Mealtimes are relaxed and fun.• The outside area is well planned and spacious.• Activities are varied and carefully plannedand facilitate learning through play.Ensure that your child is left in secure premisesand that well trained and experienced staff arecaring for your child. You will also want theopportunity to get involved and know what yourchild is doing day to day.The main types of childcare available are:Registered Childminders - A registeredchildminder is a person who looks after one ormore children aged under 12 for reward ondomestic premises. Parents and child mindersnegotiate the terms and conditions.Day nurseries - for the under 5s for the lengthof the working day. Voluntary organisations,private companies, individuals, business orcommunity groups run these facilities. They areregistered and inspected by HSS Trusts.Playgroups - are normally for children agedbetween 3 and 5. Exceptionally, someplaygroups may take children aged under 3.Sessions usually last no longer than fourhours. Most of them are run by groups ofparents or community groups with one or twopaid staff. They are registered and inspected byHSS TrustsOut-of-school clubs, - or kids clubs, providesessional play and care for school-aged childrenfrom 3 upwards. These include breakfast clubs,after-school clubs and holiday playschemes.They are registered and inspected by HSS Trusts.Free pre-school education places - Ifyour child is in their immediate pre-school yearthey are entitled, if you so wish, to a year's freepre-school education. Places are provided at arange of settings including statutory nurseryschools and classes and voluntary/privateplaygroups. Funded places are usually providedon a part-time basis although some statutorynursery schools and classes offer free full-timeprovision. All funded pre-school places are onlyavailable during school term time. Contact thePre-School Education Advisory Group of yourlocal Education and Library Board for moreinformation.Private fostering - is very different from thecare provided by Trusts through approvedfoster carers. It occurs when a child under 16 islooked after for more than 28 days by an adult,who is not a relative. It is a private arrangementbetween the parent and the carer. If you arethinking about placing your child with a privatefoster carer, or becoming a private foster carer,the first thing you must do is contact your localHSS Trust. Social services are required by lawto assess and monitor such arrangements. Theprospective private foster carer will need asmuch information as possible about your child(including medical history) and the HSS Trustwill provide you with information to guide yourdecision making. As the birth parents, youretain full parental responsibility for your child.You must remain in touch with the private fostercarer and participate in all decisionsconcerning your child’s life.1 Those looking after children in the child’s home are not required to be registered. Registration is not required when a child is being looked after by a close relativeor if service is provided for less than 2 hours in domestic premises or when service is provided for no payment or reward.13

WARNING SIGNSNever leave a young child aloneYoung children are not ready for this amount of responsibilityLeaving a child alone places them at risk of harmIt can be a lonely and frightening experiencePlan for who you might contact for care in an emergencycommon sense and the law“When mummy goesout, I lock the door from theinside… she calls in theletterbox to say goodbye,I leave the lights on in caseanyone tries to get in.Mummy usually comeshome in the night whenI am asleep.”Parents who havelimited support.A child who isfrequently observedoutside and alonefor extendedperiods of time.Childcarearrangements thatkeep going wrong.ACTIONWHAT TO SAYIf there is immediate If you are worriedrisk of harm to a about a child beingchild, call the police. left alone, talk tothe parent, a healthvisitor, teacher or asocial worker.PREVENTIONThink about sharedbabysitting anddiscuss this withneighbours, friendsor other parents youhave contact with.Find out aboutafter-school clubsand holiday playschemes.CONTACTS• Your local HSS Trust(see page 44)• NSPCC0808 800 5000• PSNI028 9065 0222If a child is not ready to be left alone it can be asad, lonely, frightening and dangerousexperience. There are many possible risks,both physical and emotional, which couldaffect your child in a negative way.Children may say that they do not mind beingleft alone and may find it exciting initially, butthey cannot fully know the possible risks andhow to handle them.Even the relatively ordinary things that happenin life, such as hunger, a storm, the phoneringing or someone coming to the front doorcan cause problems. An accident, feeling ill ora power cut may occur and these are not issuesthat a child could deal with.It is rarely, if ever, possible to leave yourchildren and assume that someone will lookout for them, if necessary.If they are alerted, the police and/or socialservices may take action if they think that achild has been neglected by being left alone.Neglect happens when a parent or carer fails tomeet children’s basic needs of food, shelter,security, attention or protection from exposureto danger.The NSPCC have issued guidelines advisingthat children under the age of 13 should not beleft alone. While this recommendation does nothave the force of law, it is suggested as goodpractice. Children under this age usually do nothave the maturity to manage the responsibilityof being left alone. Parents should exercisetheir judgement cautiously in this area.As a young person reaches adolescence,leaving them alone after school, for an eveningor during the day is less concerning as long asthey are prepared and aware of what to do ifthey are worried or need anything. Sopreparation for this is necessary. If your child isa teenager and you feel he or she has thematurity and ability to deal with this, it isimportant that they know where you are andwho to contact in an emergency.1415

WARNING SIGNSIn Northern Ireland there are an estimated 201,000 disabledadults and 14,600 disabled childrenYour child is protected by the Disability Discrimination Act 1995Under Article 18 of the Children Order you may be eligible forsocial services assistance for your child and family given yourchild’s needsYou may be able to receive financial help to assist with caring foryour childThere are many forms of extra services and support available toyou and your childSupport groups, parent groups and other organisations are outthere to help you copeyou’re not alone“When I found out thatMary was disabled I didn’tknow how I was going to cope.I just didn’t think I’d be able todo it alone. Pretty soon Irealised I didn’t have to.”If you have concernsabout your child’sdevelopment youshould seekprofessional help oradvice from yourGP or health visitor.16ACTIONDon’t think you haveto go it alone. Get asmuch information asyou can about yourchild’s condition.Find out whatservices, support,benefits and adviceis available andmake contact.WHAT TO SAYThere are manyorganisationsspecially set up togive support andadvice to parentsof disabledchildren. Contactthem and tell yourstory. There willbe others out therejust like you.PREVENTIONPrevention is notalways possiblewith disability butby ensuring you getthe best supportavailable you canminimise its effectand get help for youand your child.CONTACTS• Your local HSSTrust (see page 44)• Your localEducation &Library Board(see page 44)• Mencap0845 7636227• Disability Action028 9029 7880• Contact a Family(freephonehelpline)0808 808 3555If your child has a disability 2 you may beconcerned or worried about the future. The word‘disabled’ covers a very wide range of differentconditions and it is estimated that some 20% ofpeople in Northern Ireland experience someform of disability at some time in their lives.Remember, you and your child are not alone.The government, health and social services,education and voluntary services provide a widerange of benefits, facilities, support and advicefor disabled children and their carers.Legal protectionYour child is especially protected by law. TheDisability Discrimination Act makes certainprovisions for children. It makes it unlawful forany service provider to treat a child with adisability less favourably than other peoplebecause of their disability. It also requires themto make reasonable adjustments to make theirservices accessible to disabled people.HealthFrom the start, your GP and local HSS Trust arethere for you. They’ll provide the help and adviceyou need to discover and assess your child’sdisability. They’ll help you plan the treatment,therapy, equipment and ongoing medical carethat your child may need.BenefitsThere are several specific benefits that you couldreceive to help you with the costs of caring for adisabled child. These include Disability LivingAllowance, Carer’s Allowance, help with extra2 Children’s disabilities may take a number of forms. They may be physical or developmental.housing costs and with a disabled parkingbadge. The Carers and Direct Payments Act(Northern Ireland) 2002 gives parents rights toan assessment of their needs as well as directpayments to enable them to purchase servicesdirectly. And don’t forget free dental treatmentand prescriptions, help with the cost of glasses,and, in some circumstances, travel to hospital,school meals, and even road tax exemption.EducationDepending on their individual specialeducational needs, your child may benefit mostby attending a special school - an environmentspecifically designed to meet their educationalneeds. Alternatively, your child may receive theextra support required through the special needsprovisions available in a mainstream school orattached special unit. Your Education andLibrary Board will assess your child's specialeducational needs and recommend the mostappropriate way forward for their education.Extra supportYour HSS Trust can provide extra support foryou and your child. This can include specialleisure facilities, holidays, short breaks andmany additional services for particular needs.Also there are many local, national andinternational organisations and charitiesspecially set up to provide further help, adviceand support to people just like you.Make contactOn the left you’ll find a list of contacts that youmay find useful. You’re not alone, so makecontact today and get the support you need.17

WARNING SIGNS18“There are so manyactivities to choose from in localcommunities and parents and carerswant to encourage children andyoung people to take part. But how”do you know if they’re safe?Children have a right to have fun and be safeOrganisations should be open and welcoming and should share informationabout themselves and their activitiesYou have the right to the same standards of care from all organisations,whether their workers are paid or are volunteersListen to your child and ask questions about the activities they take part inActivities whereparents arediscouraged fromstaying to watch orbecoming involved.Children who dropout or stop going toactivity for noapparent reason.Behavioural changes.ACTIONFind out as muchinformation as youcan about theorganisation-askother parents.Don’t be afraid toask questions.WHAT TO SAYAre thestaff/volunteerssuitable?What are theirpolicies on childprotection?PREVENTIONFind out as much asyou can beforeletting your childjoin an organisationor activity.CONTACTS• VDA - VolunteerDevelopmentAgency028 9023 6100• Playboard028 9080 3380• NSPCC0808 800 5000• PSNI028 9065 0222have fun and be safeCheck it outA good organisation will welcome questionsabout their activities and the safety of theirsurroundings. All organisations should have achild protection policy, including a statement on,and guidelines about, keeping children safe. Inaddition these are questions you may want to ask:• Are the staff and volunteers suitableto work with children?All staff and volunteers should go through aproper recruitment process, which includesinterviews and references and, whereappropriate, police checks.• Is there a written code of behaviour?All organisations should have a written codeof behaviour, which outlines good practicewhen working with children. An environmentthat allows behaviour such as bullying,shouting, racism and sexism is notacceptable.• How does the organisation managestaff and volunteers?There should be someone in charge whosupervises staff and volunteers.• How does the organisation providefor personal care needs?In the case of very young children, or thosewith a disability, you should ask aboutroutines for toileting, feeding andadministering medication.• Does the organisation have a healthand safety policy?Find out if there is a leader qualified in firstaid, that there is a first aid box and that thepremises have passed fire regulations.• What are the arrangements whenchildren go on outings?You should be told about all the necessaryarrangements - including transport to andfrom - for every outing, no matter how longor short, and you should be asked for youragreement.Be wary of…• Behaviour that encourages rough play, sexualinnuendo or embarrassing punishments.• Staff who take charge and operateindependently of organisational guidelines.• Staff who show favouritism or personallyreward specific children.• Encouragement of inappropriate physicalcontact.• Poor communication and lack of parentalinvolvement, leaving you feeling uneasy.• Invitations for children to spend time alonewith staff or volunteers (even to visit theirhome).Remember, listen to your children and askquestions about the activities they take part in.Safe at all timesParents and carers have a right and aresponsibility to ensure that children are safe atall times. Organisations have a responsibility tobe open and welcoming and to shareinformation about themselves and theiractivities. Daycare activities, such as pre-schoolplaygroups and crèches, are required to registerwith the local Health and Social Services Trust.But not all organisations providing supervisedactivities - such as uniformed organisations,sports clubs and youth clubs - have to register;yet they still have a responsibility to provide asafe environment for your child.Many activities are supported by volunteers whogenerously give their time to provide regularactivities for your child. However, whether or notworkers are paid, you have the right to expectthe same standards from all organisations.Voicing concernsOrganisations should tell you where to go andwhat to do if you or your child has any worries.You may feel reluctant to voice your concerns incase you are wrong or worried about the impacton your child, but if you are concerned you musttake action:• Speak to other parents.• Speak to the leader in charge.• If you are not confident that they are the rightperson, talk to someone more senior.• If you are unhappy about the responseyou receive, remove your child and contactany of the organisations listed in theContacts column (left).19

WARNING SIGNSDomestic abuse can teach children to use violence or abuseDomestic abuse can affect children in serious andlong-lasting waysWhere there is domestic abuse there is often child abuseChildren will often blame themselves for domestic abuseAlcohol misuse is very common when domestic abuse occurs,as a contributing factor and as a survival mechanism“I creptdownstairs becauseI heard arguing.Dad was standing overmum kicking her.I made sure that my1 in 4 women may experience domestic violence at some timePregnant women are more vulnerable to domestic abusehow does it affect children?sister did not see, but20we still heard. Whenmum came upstairs,her nose was bleedingand we all cried, westayed there until dadwent out.”Any violence orabuse betweenadults willnegatively affectchildren.Seek support andhelp as soon aspossible. Thelonger it lasts, themore damagingliving with domesticabuse becomes.ACTIONReport your concernsabout yourself orsomeone else to thepolice or Women’sAid. If you areworried that yourchild might beaffected, talk to themabout what ishappening. Ifnecessary, Women’sAid will visit you inyour own home.WHAT TO SAYChildren need timeto discuss thefeelings they haveabout violence orabuse. Childrenneed to know that itis not their fault andthat this is not theway relationshipsshould be.PREVENTIONA violent partnercan takeresponsibility forviolence by seekinghelp to stop. Makesure that you offer apositive role modelfor children so thatthey learn otherways of behaving.CONTACTS• PSNI028 9065 0222• Northern IrelandWomen’s AidFederation(24 hour helpline)028 9033 1818• Men’s AdvisoryProject (MAP)028 9024 1929• Relate028 9032 3454Domestic abuse is a crime and a major socialproblem affecting many families. In 90% ofreported domestic violence incidents, childrenhave either been present in the same or anearby room. It is overwhelmingly women andchildren who are affected by domestic abuseand men who are the perpetrators, althoughthere are reported cases where men are victims.Children who witness, intervene or hearincidents are affected in many ways. What canbe guaranteed is that children do hear, they dosee and they are aware of violence in the family.Children learn how to behave in part fromexamples parents set for them. Domestic abuseteaches children negative things aboutrelationships, and how to deal with people.For instance:• It can teach them that violence is a way toresolve conflict.• They learn how to keep secrets.• They learn to mistrust those close to themand that children are responsible and toblame for abuse, especially if it erupts afteran argument about the children.Many people find it difficult to understand whypeople remain in, or return to, abusivesituations. A combination of fear, love, the riskof homelessness and financial issues can makeit very difficult for them to leave and some maywant to stay put, and get their abuser to leave.Short term effects:Children are affected in many ways by domesticabuse, even after a short time. These effectsinclude: feeling frightened, becoming withdrawn,bedwetting, running away, aggressiveness,behavioural difficulties, problems with school,poor concentration and emotional turmoil.Long term effects:The longer children are exposed to violence,the more severe the effects on them are.These can include:• A lack of respect for the non-violent parent.• Over-identification with abusing parent andcopying that behaviour.• Loss of self-confidence, which will affect theirability to form relationships in the future.• Being over-protective of parent.• Loss of childhood.• Problems at school.• Running away.If you are worried about domestic abuse,discuss it with someone else.If you are violent or abusive, you can also seekhelp and support to stop what is happening.If you are affected by domestic abuse you arenot alone - you can seek help from a range ofspecialist services across Northern Ireland.You can also report incidents to the police -this will provide valuable evidence for anycharges against your abuser in the future.Apart from any criminal proceedings, you canapply for a court injunction to protect yourself.Contact a solicitor in your area who deals withfamily law.21

WARNING SIGNSNever shake a child for any reasonShaking a young child in rough play can cause injuries –never shake a young childShaking can cause serious long lasting injury or deathShaking is often a response to extreme frustration“I thought Icouldn’t manage. Shecried all the time, I wasexhausted and nothingThere are different ways to cope with a crying babyDo not suffer alone, seek support from othersworked. I felt such afailure. I got so angrywith her I felt like shakingher to stop her noise.different ways to copeI had no idea how muchthat could hurt her.”Why do people shake babies?Often, although not always, babies and youngchildren are shaken when a parent or carerbecomes very frustrated when they will not stopcrying due to colic, illness or feeding difficulties.On average, a baby will cry for at least two hoursevery day. If a baby has additional difficulties,they will cry more and this can be very stressful.One in ten babies cry much more than thisaverage and many parents experience a greatdeal of difficulty managing this.Ways to cope with a crying babyCrying is the way all babies make sure that theirbasic needs are met - they may be hungry,thirsty, need a change of nappy or even somecompany. Crying is neither your fault nor thefault of your baby.Some of the ways to cope include:• Count to ten before doing anything and allowyourself to calm down.Many parents may not realise the extent of thedamage that a shake can do to a young child.Parents/carers who have a low tolerance levelmay become angry and are more likely to shakethe child. However there are many alternativesand people to talk to.• Gently hug and cuddle your child - perhapswith the use of a baby-carrier so that theyare close to your body in order to helpsoothe them.• Use eye contact, smiling and talking tocommunicate with your child.Parent/carers whoare isolated withlimited support.Parents/carers whoare under stress orunable to cope.Babies who cryinconsolably.ACTIONIf you are worriedabout your child,take him or her tosee your GP, healthvisitor or to the A&Edepartment. Seeksupport, includingthe helplines listedunder Contacts.WHAT TO SAYCommunicate withyour child usingeye contact,smiling, cuddlingand talking. Thiswill develop yourunderstanding andresponsiveness toyour baby’s needswhen he/she ishaving difficulties.PREVENTIONIt is never safe toshake a child, noteven in play.It is important forsiblings playingtogether or for thebabysitter or anyother carer to bemade aware of thedangers of shaking.CONTACTS• Child ProtectionNurse Advisor inyour local HSS trust(see page 44)• Your healthvisitor/midwife• Parents AdviceCentre (freephonehelpline)0808 801 0722• NSPCC0808 800 5000What damage can shaking cause?Shaking a baby can cause death or serious andlong-lasting brain and/or eye damage. ShakenBaby Syndrome is an injury that results when ababy is shaken so that his or her head wobblesrapidly back and forth. The force of this can tearthe blood vessels that connect the brain andskull. This happens because a young child’sneck muscles are not strong enough to holdtheir head firmly. The action of shaking cancause serious damage, even though the parentdoes not perceive it as fierce. Never evershake a baby for any reason.• Take the child for a walk or a drive to helpthem sleep.• If necessary, make sure baby is safe and walkout of the room for a short time, ensuringthat you are nearby.• Ask someone else you trust to take over fora while.• It is important to contact your communitymidwife or health visitor for advice.2223

WARNING SIGNSMany parents worry that their child may use drugsPrevention is better than cureDrug and alcohol misuse is increasing among young peopleMake sure you know about drugs and their possible effectsTalk to your children about drugs from a young ageNorthern Ireland schools teach drug prevention in the curriculumhow would I know?“At first I thoughtit was just a teenagething. Paul startedto come home late,a row always startedand he’d storm off tohis room. He was losingweight, looked terribleand I felt he was lying tous. He just wanted to beout all the time.”In general terms ifyour child’sappearance,behaviour orfinancial situationchanges dramaticallyyou should includedrug and alcohol usein your list of“I wonder if…”questions.ACTIONObserve and talk toyour child if you areworried. In anemergency contactan ambulanceimmediately. If yourchild is not inimmediate dangertalk with themabout their druguse at anothertime when theyare not using.WHAT TO SAY PREVENTIONUse every opportunity Ensure that you areto discuss drug use, informed about drugfor example, when use and the effectsdrugs are mentioned of different types ofin a television drugs. There areprogramme. You many helpful guidescan give accurate available - Seeinformation regarding Contacts.the risks of drug useat an early age.CONTACTS• Education WelfareService in yourEducation & LibraryBoard (see page 44)• Your GP• Your local HSS Trust(see page 44)• Specialist drug /alcohol servicesin your area• National DrugsHelpline24 hr free advice0800 77 66 00Drugs can take many forms, from alcohol andbinge drinking, to hard drugs, solvents andmisuse of prescription drugs.Children need to be aware of the risks of usingdrugs, alcohol and volatile substances (e.g.solvents). More young people experienceproblems caused by too much drinking thanthrough drug use.If you find out that your child has or may havetaken drugs or alcohol, it can be frighteningbecause of the potential effects. This can be dueto your lack of knowledge about drugs and notfeeling confident about talking about them.Most young people who experiment with drugsdo not go on to use them on a permanent basis.Make yourself familiar with the drug’seducation policy and teaching programme inyour child’s school and, if possible, attendinformation evenings with your child.Drug and alcohol misuse among youngpeople - how widespread is it?Drug and alcohol misuse is more widespreadamong children and young people thanever before.Research carried out amongst 6000 secondaryschool children in Northern Ireland found thataround 13% of 12 year olds, 26% of 14 yearolds and 40% of 16 year olds admitted tohaving tried drugs 3 .It is important to discuss drug andalcohol use early.Some parents/carers worry that doing thisencourages their child to use drugs andalcohol. Avoiding talking about this will notprotect your child. Children will be aware ofdrugs and alcohol in some way before theyleave primary school. It is likely that at thisearly stage, children will be more responsive tobeing told about the risks of drug and alcoholmisuse. Make sure you tell your children aboutthe risks and explain how they become morevulnerable if they do not stay with people theytrust. Accurate information and support willhelp them decide what to do. It does notguarantee non-use but will increase the chanceof an informed choice.Why do young people use drugsand alcohol?They are curious about them, they want to breakthe rules, to escape reality, to cope with difficultsituations or feelings, because they enjoy them,because their friends do it.How would I know?There may be a change in relationships withfamily and friends, or a change in performanceat school. Other signs can involve changes in afinancial situation and personal possessions‘disappearing’ and being sold. Try to ensurethat you know where your children are.Drug and alcohol misuse by parentsDrug and alcohol misuse by the adults in ahousehold can seriously affect the care andwell being of children and it may encouragethem to behave the same way.243 ‘ Drug & Alcohol Use amongst Young People in Northern Ireland’ a report produced by the Drug & Alcohol Information & Research Unit, DHSSPS, October 200225

WARNING SIGNS“Before Sean was bornI never thought about where Ileft things. Nowadays, everythingin the house seems dangerous.I feel I have to follow himeverywhere. Yesterday he foundmy painkillers in the bedroomand nearly swallowed some.It happened so quickly.”Children learn by exploring their surroundingsChildren do not automatically know what is dangerousChildren need guidance to stay safe at homeRemove all potential dangers in your home from the reach ofyour childKeep matches and lighters out of sight and reach of childrenWatch your child and remove him or her from danger both insideand outside the homeExplain about safety to your child from an early ageIn the event of an accident in the home seek immediate medicalattentionkeeping your child safe26Spend some timeexploring yourhouse as if youwere a young child.This will show youthe many potentialdangers which, ifnot removed, couldharm your child.ACTIONMake a list of thesepotential dangersand remove them tosafety or protectyour child fromthem by usingsafety devices.Talk to the contactslisted if you areunsure about this.WHAT TO SAYWith very youngchildren the tone ofyour voice and facialexpressionsalongsideexplanations areextremely important.Children will beginto sense the warningtone in your voiceover time.PREVENTIONRemove dangerousobjects like drugs,syringes, medicinesand householdchemicals out ofthe reach ofchildren and lockthem away safely.Do this before yourchild is exposed toany hazard.CONTACTS• Talk to your healthvisitoror midwife• Royal Societyfor the Preventionof Accidents(RoSPA)028 9050 1160• Child AccidentPrevention Trust020 7608 3828• Health & SafetyExecutive forNorthern Irelandwww.hsenigov.uk/kids.cfmBabies and young children learn about theirworld by exploring it. This means that, as soonas they are able to, they will crawl, touch andgrab at whatever they see. They are curious bynature and need careful and gentle guidancefrom a young age about what danger is andwhat to stay away from.Most accidents happen in the home or justoutside and this is why it is important to ensurethat your home is safe for all your family,especially for young children. There are manysituations each year in which children haveoverdosed on their parents’ drugs and medicines.Keeping safe within the home:• Make sure that all medicines and drugs arelocked away well out of reach and your useof them is private to avoid your childcopying you.• Certain rooms are necessarily full of danger,such as the kitchen, and should remain outof bounds or made safe by the use of safetydevices. Consider using cupboard locks,stair safety gates, fire and cooker guards tomake your home safer.• Can your children get out of the house? Isthe safety chain high enough on the frontdoor even for a very active toddler?• Crawling and exploring are an essentialpart of their development - keep an eye onyour young children, especially near wiresand sockets.• Never leave young children alone in the bath.• Small children should never be left alonewith pets. Even trained and good naturedanimals can turn on them.• Make sure that irons, saucepans, kettles(including cables) and hot drinks are keptout of the reach of children. Scalding andburns are common and avoidable accidents.• Inhaling cigarette smoke is bad for children’shealth. Children will be affected by passivesmoking and your smoking may encouragethem to smoke when they are older.• Check toys for safety marks. Ensure thatyour child does not play with toys that arenot suitable for his or her age, especially ifthe pieces are small enough to choke on.Unsafe toys can be very dangerous.Keeping safe outside the home:• Keep children away from building sites andderelict buildings - they are not adventureplaygrounds and can kill.• Children should always wear safety helmetswhen cycling and other recommendedprotective wear for outdoor activities suchas skate boarding.• Always ensure children are properlyrestrained in the car.• Keep children away from unattendedfarming machinery or gardening equipment.These can kill. Stress the dangers of thismachinery to children from a young age.• Never leave young children unsupervisednear rivers, garden ponds or paddling pools.• Teach children how to safely cross the roadand be a good example to them when you arecrossing the road.27

Breast milk offers the most natural and healthy start for your babySix months is the recommended age for the introduction of solidfoods for both breast and formula fed infantsDon’t give up if your child does not like certain foods at first -keep trying. It can take several attempts before your child acceptsa new foodMaking your own baby food is cheaper and gets your baby used tohome-cooked mealsTrue food allergies are relatively uncommon. If you have concernsseek advice from your GPbuilding a good foundationfor health“Every parent wants the beststart in life for their children. One of themost important things you can do foryour child is to ensure that he or sheeats a wide variety of foods in the”right amounts.Good nutrition is essential during childhood,as it is a time of rapid growth, development andactivity. Your child’s nutritional needs changethroughout their childhood.From birthSolid foods should not be started too early asbabies digestive systems and kidneys are notfully developed. Weaning too soon may causeproblems such as food allergies in the future. Therecommended age to start weaning your babyonto solid foods is six months. This applies tochildren who are breastfed or given infantformula. Suitable first weaning foods includeunflavoured baby rice, cooked fruit andFrom 6-11vegetables. However it is important to progress toa wider range of tastes and textures. Moredetailed advice can be found in the ‘Weaningmade easy’ guide available from your local healthpromotion resource service (see Contacts)From 1-5healthy eating guidelines, just like the rest ofthe family. For good health, children need toeat a wide range of foods from the four mainfood groups:• Bread, potatoes, rice, pasta and breakfastcereals.• Fruit and vegetables.• Meat, fish, chicken, pulses and eggs.• Milk, cheese and yoghurt.Do not encourage processed foods, fizzy drinksor crisps. For more detailed advice refer to‘Getting a good start’ which is available fromyour local health promotion resource service(see Contacts).Active children have good appetites. Encourageexercise as this will develop good appetites anddiscourage weight problems. Encourage childrento choose the healthier options from the schoolmeals menu. If they take packed lunches ensurevariety and include fruit and raw vegetables.28WARNING SIGNSIf your child iseither overweightor underweightthis will haveimplications foryour child’s healthin the short andlonger term.Contact your GPor health visitorfor advice.ACTIONWHAT TO SAYEncouraging your It’s not just whatchild to develop you say - it’s whatgood eating habits you do - set a goodwhen they are young example to yourwill also mean they childrenare more likely toeat healthily as theygrow up.PREVENTIONAvoid your childbecomingdependant onthings like fizzydrinks, crisps andprocessed foods.CONTACTS• Central healthpromotion resourceservices in yourlocal HSS Boardarea for leaflets -see page 44• Your health visitor• Your GPPhotograph courtesy of the Health Promotion AgencyChildren under the age of five need to eat smallamounts of food regularly. This is bestprovided in three small meals every day(breakfast, lunch and tea/dinner) along withtwo or three nutritious snacks in between.Between the ages of two and five, children canbegin to gradually eat more foods that arehigher in fibre and lower in fat. By the age offive years, your child will be able to follow theFrom 12 to adulthoodBones are still growing at this stage - aim for 1pint of milk per day, or the equivalent fromyoghurts and cheese. Good sources of iron egfrom red meat, breakfast cereals, pulses andeggs, are also important, especially for teenagegirls. All children will enjoy a healthy diet ifthey are given it.29

WARNING SIGNS“Greg is ten - same age as me. I haven’t methim, but we chat on the internet all the time. He’s reallyfunny. He wants to meet up tomorrow to play football...I can’t wait to see what he looks like.”Child exploitation has devastating effects on children, bothphysical and mentalExploitative adults have been quick to use the Internet as a tool;they are very sophisticated and well practised in how theyapproach childrenChildren are fascinated by the ‘adult’ world, but there aremeasures you can take to protect your child from online risks andhelp them make the most of the Internet safelyBe sensitive to changes in your child’s behaviour. It is up toattentive adults to recognise the signs of sexual exploitation.(see warning signs listed in section on Sexual exploitation)Recent research from the NSPCC revealed that one in five 9 to16year-olds use Internet chat roomsnew technology, old problemRisks from the InternetThe Internet has proved a useful tool for peoplewishing to exploit children. Recent high profilecases in the news have revealed that Internetchat rooms can be used by paedophiles toestablish deceptive relationships with children.They then ‘groom’ children to become victims,either psychologically on the Internet itself, orby arranging to actually meet with them. Oftenvictims believe that they are chatting to otherchildren online.Learn all you can about the Internet. In thesame way that you would teach your childabout the dangers from strangers, warn yourchild about dangers on the Internet and laydown some ground rules regarding the timethey spend online. If possible, avoid your childgoing online in private, or at least ensure youhave access to their computer. Make surethat they know they should never arrange tomeet a new friend made on the Internetunaccompanied.Prolonged, secretiveperiods on theInternet, changes inbehaviour or mood,inappropriate sexualbehaviour, askingquestions aboutsexual experiencesor terminology,leaving pornographicmaterial, diaries orletters where theycan be found.(seealso section onSexual exploitation).ACTIONIf you think yourchild has beenexposed to any formof exploitationencourage them toconfide in you,assuring them thatthey’ve donenothing wrong andthat you will supportthem. Contact childprotection, youthservices, childabuse or otherappropriateorganisations forfurther adviceand support.WHAT TO SAYAssure your childthat you believewhat they aretelling you; create apositive sense ofconfidence betweenyou. Explain in yourown way why thesethings happen andavoid making themfeel ashamed orfoolish about whatthey haveexperienced. Letthem know that youwill protect themfrom further harm.PREVENTIONKnow where yourchild is; be familiarwith their friendsand daily activities.Teach your child totrust their ownfeelings and assurethem that they havea right to say NO towhat they sense iswrong. Listencarefully to yourchild’s fears and besupportive.CONTACTS• PSNI028 9065 0222• Your local HSSTrust (see page 44)• NSPCC0808 800 5000• National Children’sCharity (NCH)www.nch.org.uk/itok• Internet WatchFoundationwww.iwf.org.ukInternet pornography can cause psychologicaldamage to children who are exposed to it. Butworse still, the Internet is a major method bywhich pornographic images of children areobtained and exchanged by exploitative adults.Sadly such images are in high demand, sopornographers will go to extreme lengths toentice and coerce children into getting involvedagainst their will.Making it safe to surfThere are ways in which you can help to protectyour child online and ensure that the Internet isa safe way to learn and have fun.Ask your Internet Service Provider or localcomputer specialist about installing parentalcontrols, which can prevent your childaccessing websites with sexual content. Thesemethods cannot provide a total safeguard butdo offer some degree of protection.Watch out for possible signs of exploitation orabuse. Some of these signs are oftencompletely innocent, but look out for changesin your child’s mood or behaviour, sleepdisturbances or bedwetting, unexplainedmarks, problems at school, going missing orself-harm, asking about sexual experiences andterminology or evidence of pornographicmaterial. Be especially aware of any newfriendships between your child and olderpeople, whether male or female.If your child does experience some form ofexploitation, whether mild or severe, it iscrucial to be 100% supportive, make it clearthat it is not their fault and that you are there tohelp and protect them no matter what.3031

WARNING SIGNSMake time for your child to talk to you about their worriesYou know how important a good education is - let your childknow thisOnly keep your child off school if they are too ill to attend- not for days out or shopping tripsBe honest about things that might be happening in the familyLook for early signs that your child might not be happy and talk totheir school about theseHelp is available - please don’t be too embarrassed or afraid to ask“I was shocked whenshe ran away although, lookingback, she was more of a lonerthan her brother. I now knowthat she had been missing”school quite a bit.from home and schoolChildren from all sorts of backgrounds runaway from home for a variety of reasons. Manyof us will remember planning to run away whenwe were younger because we felt unable tocope with our problems, that nobody caredabout us or because we had been treatedunfairly. Usually, if a child does go missingfrom home, it will be for a very short period -usually until the child thinks that the parentshave noticed. Often, they will turn up at thehome of a friend or relative.and they can be prosecuted if their child doesnot attend school regularly. Children who missschool are much more likely to have problemswith their learning and getting the job orcollege place that they would like. They willoften find it harder to make and keep friendsand they are at much greater risk of getting intotrouble in and out of school. If they areskipping school or lessons, they are morelikely to come across adults or other youngpeople who might want to cause them harm.There may be nonebut does your childseem to beunhappy?Are you sure thatthey are notskipping school?Has anythinghappened in thefamily that youhaven’t talked toyour child about?ACTIONIf you think yourchild might beskipping school,talk to the schoolor an EducationWelfare Officer.Contact the policeif your child goesmissing.WHAT TO SAYMake sure that yourchild knows howimportant they areto you. When youhave to tell yourchild off, tell themthat it’s theirbehaviour that’s theproblem - not them.If something hasgone wrong in thefamily, don’t letyour child think thatit’s their fault.PREVENTIONBe alert to anyunexplainedchanges in yourchild’s behaviour.Spend time withthem and beinterested in theirlives and worries.Do you know whoyour child’s friendsare? Be very carefulabout their accessto the Internet and‘chat rooms’.CONTACTS• PSNI028 9065 0222• Your child’sschool• Missing PersonsHelpline (24hrs)0500 700 700• Message Home(for young peopleto get a messageto their parents)0800 700 740When children run away, they are not beingnaughty - they are trying to tell us that they areunhappy or trying to find out just how much wedo care about them.However, if a child goes missing from homerepeatedly, receives unexplained gifts, andpossibly has an older ‘friend’, there is apossibility they could be being sexuallyexploited (see page 36).The law says that parents must ensure that theirchildren receive suitable, full time educationWhen children miss school without their parents’knowing, this is called truancy. Children whotruant regularly often do this because they areworried about something. There might besomething happening on the way to or fromschool that is causing them concern. They mightbe being bullied. They might be finding somelessons or subjects too hard (or too easy) or theymight be having problems in completing theirhomework. Sometimes, children will be reluctantto leave home because they are worried that theirparent might come to some harm whilst they areat school.3233

WARNING SIGNSChildren need to feel secure, loved and valued - this is the basis ofself-esteem and confidenceNoticing and acknowledging good behaviour is the best way ofinfluencing your child’s behaviourBe consistent with your discipline, using positive approaches toinfluence your child’s behaviourParents and carers need to work together and be consistentListen to and talk to your child - it’s good to talk!Do things together with your child that you both enjoy - have fun!make them feel great!“Some of my friends moan thattheir parents are too busy for them. But mymum’s great - she always finds time to talkto us about stuff and makes us feel special- I know I can talk to her about anything.”There may be none.Is your relationshipwith your childdifficult at times?Does your child getenough exercise?Are there anychanges in theirbehaviour?Is your child tryingto tell yousomething?ACTIONWHAT TO SAYBe involved and With youngerdevelop a good children, setrelationship with boundaries.your child before With teenagers, trythey reach their to agree boundaries.teens. If you are With teenagers,concerned about even if you onlyyour parenting get a grunt, don’tmethods get give up onsupport from the communication.organisations listedunder Contacts.PREVENTION CONTACTSHave fun with your • Parents Advicechild. Encourage Centre - freephonefriendships and helplineoutside interests. 080 8801 0722Listen carefully to • Barnardo’syour child’s point of Parenting Mattersview. Help them Programmethink through 028 9049 1081choices. Be betterinformed about childissues - considertheir point of view.Positive ParentingParenting can be difficult and parenting inNorthern Ireland can be especially difficult.Often parents have no control over outsideenvironments and influences.Positive parenting is about bringing out thebest in your child, by listening andunderstanding, praising and encouraging theirefforts, noticing and rewarding good behaviourand doing things together that you both enjoy.This starts from the earliest days of yourrelationship with your child. In trying to behelpful, it is often easy to point out where a childis going wrong and forget to notice the thingsthat go right. By doing this you are unwittinglygiving your child lots of attention for negativeunwanted behaviour, rather than for the goodbehaviour you would prefer them to develop. Itcan also undermine your relationship with yourchild. Parental attention and praise is one of thebiggest motivators for children so you need touse it in the right direction! Not only will thisinfluence your child’s behaviour in a positiveway, it will also make your child feel happy,loved, wanted and secure and this is the basis oflife-long confidence and self-esteem.Managing BehaviourTeaching children from a young age by settinglimits and explaining the reasons for these limitshelps to instill self-discipline. Firm andconsistent guidance is essential to positiveparenting and can successfully change badbehaviour. Yelling at or over-discipliningchildren can lead to physical and emotionalharm. There are many positive ways to promotegood behaviour such as encouragement, beinga good role model and making your childrenfeel secure of your love for them-even whenthey misbehave.TeenagersTeenagers have to learn to make their owndecisions and establish their independencefrom their parents. Unfortunately theirdecisions might not always agree with yoursand this can lead to tension. Be supportive andencourage them to talk. The main concern foradolescents is whether what they are goingthrough is normal. Remember to give them thepractical information they need about thephysical changes and reassure them that theirphysical development is perfectly normal.Your child’s healthPromoting the health of your child is a task thatmost parents do without thinking. Whether itinvolves encouraging your child to brush theirteeth, keep fit by sport and regular physicalexercise or reminding them to pay attention topersonal hygiene, you are an important sourceof information and advice and an influentialrole model for your child.Self-EsteemA sense of self-esteem is your child’s bestprotection from peer pressure. You can help tofoster this in many ways, for example, by beinga positive role model, giving positive, accuratefeedback, identifying and redirecting your child’sinaccurate beliefs and by being spontaneousand affectionate. Make them feel great!3435

WARNING SIGNS“I used to blame myself. How could I be so stupid to get into this!Now I know better. I was thirteen; he was twenty. He said he loved me,but all along he knew exactly what he was doing.”The prostitution of children is a form of sexual exploitationand abuseChildren can be abused and exploited through prostitution bymanipulative adults who wish to make moneyAdults who abuse and exploit children are responsible,not the childrenChildren abused through prostitution face severe physical,emotional and psychological risksIt’s never too early or too late to get helpabused through prostitutionAbsence from home ortruancy from school;unexplained money,clothes, jewellery orother gifts; newrelationships witholder men; evidenceof drug or alcoholabuse; changes inmood or behaviour;loss of contact withformer friends andnew relationships withan older age group;lack of self-esteem;self-harming; leavinghome in unusualclothing for your child.ACTIONTry to encourageyour child toconfide in youabout theirsituation; avoidalienating yourchild or makingthem feel that theyare to blame; get intouch withinformation andsupport agenciesthat can help youand your child.WHAT TO SAYMake sure that yourchild knows thatyou are there tohelp them, nomatter what theyhave experienced.Assure them thatthey shouldn’t feelashamed, that theyare victims ofabuse and that youunderstand howdifficult it must befor them.PREVENTIONOffer a positive andsupportive homeenvironment. Warnyour child of therisks and know whoyour child’s friendsare. Watch out forlow self-esteemand other warningsigns. Getinformation andsupport from localagencies if you feelyour child may beat risk.CONTACTS• PSNI028 9065 0222• Your local HSSTrust (see page 44)• Barnardo’s028 9067 2366How can it happen?It may be hard to imagine how any child couldbe abused through prostitution. The sad fact isthat those who benefit from abusing children inthis way use sophisticated methods to lure theirvictims in, and keep them there. It can beginwith an ‘exciting’ new relationship with an olderboyfriend who may in fact be, or become, a pimp(adult abuser). The child may receive expensivegifts and be introduced to alcohol and/or drugs.Before long the adult abuser creates a loyal anddependent relationship with the victim and canthen persuade or force them to make money forhim by providing sexual services to others. Butthis is not a business relationship - it is anillegal form of sexual abuse, which puts thechild involved at risk from severe physical,emotional and psychological damage.The damageChildren abused through prostitution canbecome victims of serious physical and sexualattacks, which can sometimes be fatal. Theycan easily become addicted to drugs andalcohol and face a high risk of contractingsexually transmitted diseases. The emotionaland psychological damage can be devastatingand can lead to self-harm, severe depressionand suicide.How to spot itThere are some warning signs detailed on theopposite page that could indicate that your childis at risk from, or is being abused throughprostitution. If all, or even some, of them applyto your child, you should consider that theymight be at risk. Boys and girls of any age canbe victims of sexual exploitation. The abusermay be a stranger but can be a family member ora friend.How to stop itPreventing children from being abused in thisway or helping them exit it can require specialisthelp. A close and positive relationship with yourchild can reduce their vulnerability. Ensuring thatthey have high self-esteem and feel good aboutthemselves can prevent them falling prey toabusive relationships. However, even with thebest parents in the world, some children will findthemselves vulnerable to this form of abuse.Parents can often feel powerless to intervene inwhat can be a complex and threatening situation.A number of organisations (see Contacts) workwith families to combat abuse throughprostitution. If you feel your child is at risk theycan provide information and support for you andyour child to help avoid dangerous relationships.If your child is abused, or at risk of being abused,through prostitution they will work with you andyour child to form an individual plan and packageof support to ensure that they are no longer leftvulnerable to those who wish to exploit them. It isnever too early or too late to get help.3637

WARNING SIGNS“Sometimes it feels likeyou are in a goldfish bowl andeverybody is watching you,waiting for you to make a”mistake.● Northern Ireland’s rate of teenage pregnancy is among the highestin Europe● Take the initiative in raising the issues about relationshipsand sexuality with your son or daughter● Most young people aged under 17 are not having sex● Stress the importance of making responsible decisions in arelationship and not being forced into having sex because“everybody is doing it”● Try not to be judgmental, but don’t be afraid to say if you think anactivity may be unhealthy or could put them at risk● Your child will learn by example - they will learn your family’s wayof doing things based on your values, culture, faith and belieftalking to teenagersYoung people willnot always tell you ifthere is somethingthat is worryingthem. Goodcommunication withyour children is veryimportant. You needto be attentive totheir needs and letthem know that youare there and beprepared to listen.ACTIONIt is important thatyour child knowswhere to getreliable informationon birth control andprevention ofsexually transmittedinfections. If youthink your daughtermay be pregnant,ensure she seesher GP.WHAT TO SAYTalk to your childrenabout relationshipsand sexuality. If youthink your child issexually active it isimportant to talk tothem aboutpractising safer sex.PREVENTIONIt is important thatyour child has theknowledge andskills that will helpthem build selfesteemand strongrelationships whilepostponing sexualactivity.CONTACTS• PSNI028 9065 0222• Barnardo’s YoungParents’ Network028 9047 3856• Brook AdvisoryClinic028 9032 8866• Family PlanningAssociation028 9032 5488• Your GP• School AgeMums Projectwww.youngmums.org.uk• Parents AdviceCentre0808 801 0722Children will learn about sex whether you wantthem to or not. Sex is everywhere around us - inmagazines and newspapers, in advertisementsand soap operas. Children and young peoplealso learn about sex from each other - and whatgets passed on in the playground may not beaccurate or what parents want them to hear!All these confusing messages may lead youngpeople into situations they don’t know how todeal with. Adolescence is often seen as a timeof heightened conflict between parents andchildren. This is a particularly important time tomaintain communication with your childreneven though this may not always be easy.Good communication with your children helpsreduce risk taking behaviour.You might feel concerned that by discussing sexand relationships, particularly at an early age,you will encourage your children to start havingsex when they’re very young. But research hasproved that the opposite is true. Teenagers fromfamilies who talk frankly about sex wait untilthey are older before they start having sex andthey are more likely to use contraceptives.Most young people aged under 17 are notsexually active but the numbers rise sharply afterthat age. All young people need informationabout sex, sexually transmitted infections,HIV/Aids, pregnancy and contraception to helpthem make informed choices.If you feel uncomfortable or unsure about talkingabout sex with your children don’t let this putyou off. Sex education shouldn’t be a one-offtalk but a gradual process of communication. Ifyour children grow up knowing it’s okay todiscuss sex and the feelings they have with you,then they’re much more likely to come to you forsupport when they need it.The Northern Ireland rate of teenage pregnancyis among the highest in Europe. Since 1998there has been a considerable reduction in thenumber of births to teenage mothers in NorthernIreland but there were still over 1500 births in2002 and sexually transmitted infections arealso increasing among young people. Givingyour children support, information and help tofeel good about themselves can lessen thechances of both.3839

WARNING SIGNS1 in 5 two-year-olds has a tantrum at least twice a dayThe ‘Terrible Twos’ are a normal part of your child’sdevelopmentGetting angry is a natural reaction but it just makes thesituation worseBe firm and find a positive way to deal with the problemPlan to avoid the causes of tantrumsRemember, tantrums won’t last forever!when every day isa difficult day40It could happenanywhere, butwatch out for a tiredor hungry child inany situation whenhe or she wantssomething that youhave said "No" to,especially when outshopping, or duringa social event or aday out.ACTIONKeep calm, considerwhether your childneeds food or rest.Give your childattention and ifpossible, find aquiet place or someway of distractinghis or her attention.Don’t give in, but dotry to understandyour child’s feelings.If necessary, beprepared to cut shortyour trip out.(seealso section onPositive parenting)“Not only has he learnedto walk and talk, but now he’slearned to stamp his foot, argue,scream until he’s bright red andembarrass me in public on aregular basis. What’s happenedto my baby?”WHAT TO SAY PREVENTION CONTACTSTry to offer your Avoid long shopping • Health visitorchild a choice or a trips or tiring days or GPpositive way out. out. It often helps • Parents AdviceBe calm and to give your child Centreunderstanding. extra attention and 0808 801 0722Keep it simple and affection. Try toclear. Praise your foresee possiblechild for calming causes for tantrumsdown afterwards. in the day aheadand find ways toavoid them.Why temper tantrums happenTantrums may start around 18 months, arecommon around two years old and becomemuch less common at four. Very youngchildren are often not able to expressthemselves as much as they want to and theirfrustration may come out as a tantrum.Tantrums also often happen in busy, publicplaces, which can be highly embarrassing andadd to the parents’ stress.If you are worried about your child’s behaviourdiscuss your concerns with your health visitoror GP.Dealing with temper tantrums• Keep calm. Getting angry and shouting atyour child will only make things worse.• Your child might be tired or hungry so rest orfood might help. Or they might just needsome attention or comfort.• Try to find a distraction. Finding somethingelse interesting to do or look at can help. Ifyou’re in a busy or noisy place try to gosomewhere quieter.• If none of the above works, try to see thingsfrom your child’s point of view andunderstand what they actually want. Tryoffering them a choice, as this gives yourchild a sense of control and can be moreeffective than simply saying “no”. Always tryto offer a positive way out.• If you do say “no” don’t be tempted to give inlater to calm them down. If you give in yourchild will repeat the tantrums as a means ofgetting their own way.• If you’re at home you can try ignoring thetantrum, perhaps walking away into anotherroom if it’s safe to do so. Encourage yourchild to cool down on their own and talkmore calmly about what they want.• After the tantrum, praise your child forsettling down. Even though they may nolonger be angry they may still be upset, sogive them a cuddle and make it clear that youstill love them no matter what.Avoiding temper tantrumsYou can reduce the likelihood of a tantrum byplanning ahead:• Try to avoid your child becoming hungryor overtired.• Make sure your child is getting enoughpersonal attention and affection.• Make sure your time together is quality timetogether especially if you work for most ofthe day.• Keep shopping trips and outings as shortas possible.• Try to plan a regular method that you’ll use todeal with tantrums when they do happen.Remember, temper tantrums are normal and donot usually lead to serious problems. As yourchild gets older they will learn to deal morecalmly with the stresses of everyday life. (Seealso sections on Positive parenting and Don’tshake the baby).41

WARNING SIGNS“Everyday I hear theyoung child next door crying,her parents constantly shoutat her. Yesterday, in thestreet, I saw her mother hither hard across the side ofthe head. This is probablynone of my business but Iam worried and not surewhat to do.”Protecting children is everybody’s businessAdults have a responsibility to report abuseConsider offering some support if you are worriedIf in doubt, share your concerns about childrenReporting concerns rarely leads to a child being removed fromthe care of parentsAct now - long-term abuse is damaging for childrenshould you mindyour own business?There are manypossible signs ofabuse, rangingfrom physical injuryto changes inbehaviour.Alternatively, youmay witness anincident or a childmay tell you thathe/she is beingharmed.ACTIONIf you think that achild has beenharmed, contact thesocial services orthe police. If youare not sure, youcan speak to aconfidentialhelpline, namelythe NSPCC.WHAT TO SAYExplain exactly whatyou have seen orbeen told.If you can, keep anote of dates,injuries and theexact words used.These will help youto explain.PREVENTIONMake sure yourchild knows whothey can shareworries with if andwhen they need to.Listen carefully tochildren and bealert to changesin them.CONTACTS• Your local HSSTrust (see page 44)• PSNI028 9065 0222• NSPCC0808 800 5000• Parents AdviceCentre080 8801 0722All parents experience difficulties at varioustimes that can be helped by other familymembers or close friends. The legacy of theconflict in Northern Ireland means parents mayexperience additional difficulties.If someone you know is having difficulties, youcould offer the following:• A listening ear.• Ideas to cope with problems.• Encouragement to get some help.• Practical support (childcare/shopping).However, there may be times when a child maybe at risk of abuse and professional supportneeds to be provided.How would you want other people to act if yourchild was being harmed?• Would you want them to mind their ownbusiness?• To report their worry to a professional whocould help?When we suspect, witness or are told of achild that is being hurt we can react in manydifferent ways. We may feel guilt, anger,disbelief or denial. Some of these reactionscan prevent help getting to a family whoneed it.Many people do not tell because they fearthe following:• Children will be at further risk of harm.• They believe that nothing will be done.• They believe that the child would betaken away.• They worry that the family may find outwho reported them.• Telling may ruin family relationships.In reality, it is best that action is taken early toprotect the child and stop things getting worse.Long-term abuse is much more likely to causeproblems for a child as they get older. Even ifyou think an incident is just a one-off, otherprofessional agencies may already haveconcerns about the child. So your informationcould be very important. All agencies will treatany information received on a confidential basis.4243

Helpful OrganisationsOrganisations listed here are key organisations who will be able tosignpost you to the appropriate organisation if they cannot help.Barnardo’s028 9067 2366 www.barnardos.orgBarnardo’s YoungParents Network028 9047 3856http://services.barnardos.org/youngparentsbelfast/Brook Advisory Clinic028 9032 8866 www.brook.org.ukChild Accident Prevention Trust020 7608 3828 www.capt.org.ukChildren in Northern Ireland028 9065 2713 www.ci-ni.org.ukChildren’s Law Centre028 9024 5704www.childrenslawcentre.orgContact a Family0808 808 3555 freephone helplinewww.cafamily.orgDepartment of Health, SocialServices & Public Safety(DHSSPS)028 9052 0500 www.dhsspsni.gov.ukDisability Action028 9029 7880 www.disabilityaction.orgEDUCATION &LIBRARY BOARDS- Belfast ELB028 9056 4006 www.belb.org.uk- North Eastern ELB028 2566 2296 www.neelb.org.uk- South Eastern ELB028 9056 6200 www.seelb.org.uk- Southern ELB028 3751 2200 www.selb.org- Western ELB028 8241 1411 www.welbni.orgEmployers for Childcare0800 028 3008www.employersforchildcare.orgEnuresis Resource &Information Centre - ERIC0117 960 3060 for details of yournearest clinicwww.eric.org.ukFamily Planning Association028 9032 5488 www.fpa.org.ukGingerbread028 9023 1417e: enquiries@gingerbreadni.orgHealth Promotion Agency028 9031 1611www.healthpromotionagency.org.ukHealth and Safety Executive forNorthern Ireland (HSENI)www.hseni.gov.uk/kids.cfmHEALTH & SOCIALSERVICES BOARDS- Eastern HSS Board028 90321313 www.ehssb.n-i.nhs.uk- Northern HSS Board028 2565 3333 www.nhssb.n-i.nhs.uk- Southern HSS Board028 3741 0041 www.shssb.org- Western HSS Board028 7186 0086 www.whssb.orgHEALTH & SOCIALSERVICES TRUSTS- Altnagelvin HospitalsHSS Trust028 7134 5171- Armagh & DungannonHSS Trust028 3752 2381- Belfast City HospitalHSS Trust028 9032 9241- Causeway HSS Trust028 2766 6600- Craigavon & BanbridgeCommunity HSS Trust028 3883 1983- Craigavon Area HospitalGroup HSS Trust028 3833 4444- Down Lisburn HSS Trust028 9266 5181- Foyle HSS Trust028 7126 6111- Green Park HSS Trust028 9066 9501- Homefirst CommunityHSS Trust028 2563 3700- Mater Infirmorum HospitalHSS Trust028 9074 1211- Newry & Mourne HSS Trust028 3026 0505- North & West BelfastHSS Trust028 9032 7156- Royal Group of Hospitals andDental Hospital HSS Trust028 9024 0503- South & East BelfastHSS Trust028 9056 5556- Sperrin Lakeland HSS Trust028 8283 5285- Ulster Community &Hospitals Trust028 9181 6666- United Hospitals HSS Trust028 9442 4673Homestart N.I.028 9046 0772 www.home-start.org.ukKidscape08451 205 204 www.kidscape.org.ukLifestart Foundation Ltd.028 7136 5363MencapUnderstanding learning disability0845 7636227 www.mencap.org.ukMessage Home (for youngpeople to get a message totheir parents)0808 800 7070www.missingpersons.orgMissing Persons Helpline0500 700 700 (24hrs)www.missingpersons.orgNational Drugs Helpline0800 77 66 0024 hour free adviceNCH - National Children’s Charitywww.nch.org.ukNICEM - N.I. Councilfor Ethnic Minorities028 9023 8645NIPPA - The early years organisation028 9066 2825 www.nippa.orgNorthern IrelandChildminding Association(NICMA)028 9181 1015 www.nicma.orgNorthern Ireland Onlinewww.onlineni.netNorthern IrelandWomen’s Aid Federation028 9033 1818 www.niwaf.orgNSPCC0808 800 5000 www.nspcc.org.ukParents Advice Centre0808 801 0722 - Freephone helplinewww.pachelp.orge: parents@pachelp.orgPlayboard028 9080 3380e: ceoffice@playboard.co.ukPSNI028 9065 0222Royal Society for thePrevention of Accidents(RoSPA)028 9050 1160 www.rospa.co.ukSchool Age Mums Projectwww.youngmums.org.ukThe Family Trauma Centre1 Wellington Park Belfast028 9020 4700VDA VolunteerDevelopment Agency028 9023 6100 www.volunteering-ni.org4445

Useful PublicationsBullyingA toolkit for parentsProduced by Parents Advice CentreChildcare Advice LeafletsAvailable from Employers for ChildcareDepartment of EducationLeaflets available from www.deni.gov.ukEncouraging Better BehaviourNSPCC leafletFirst Steps to SafetyRoSPA leafletHandle with Care - a guide to positive parentingAvailable from Parents Advice CentreHealth Promotion AgencyLeaflets available from the Central Health Promotion Unit of your local HSS Board:Weaning made easyGetting a good startNutrition matters for the early yearsHome AloneNSPCC leafletOpportunities for Safety EducationRoSPA leafletReduce the Risk of Cot DeathAvailable from the Central Health Promotion Unit of your local HSS BoardThe Incredible Years: A Guide for Parents of Children 3-8 years oldAvailable form the following website www.incredibleyears.comDepartment of Health, Social Services and Public SafetyChild Care Policy DirectorateCastle BuildingsStormont EstateBelfastBT4 3SQEastern Area Child Protection CommitteeEastern Health and Social Services BoardChampion House12-22 Linenhall StreetBelfastBT2 8BSNorthern Area Child Protection CommitteeNorthern Health and Social Services Board182 Galgorm RoadBallymenaBT42 1QBSouthern Area Child Protection CommitteeSouthern Health and Social Services BoardTower HillArmaghBT61 9DRWestern Area Child Protection CommitteeWestern Health and Social Services Board15 Gransha ParkClooney RoadLondonderryBT47 6TGToddler TamingProduced by Dr Christopher Green46