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FOCUS: ShandaThe Disgrace of a Nice Jewish GirlMy father believed that intermarriage was a shanda.I hoped to prove him wrong.by Annette PowersPhoto by Jorge LemusIwas a “nice Jewish girl” looking todate a “nice Jewish boy” when I methim. He was a nice secular non-Jewfrom Seattle whose religious identitywas rooted in memories ofhanging stockings on Christmasand eating chocolate onEaster. I never expected it to bemore than a summer fling, butthings escalated quickly. Onour fourth date I informed himin no uncertain terms, “Thiscan’t go anywhere.”“Why?” he asked. “Becauseyou’re not Jewish,” I stated.“And I can’t marry a non-Jew.”I then explained the conceptof a shanda—something thatwould bring shame upon oneself,one’s family, and the entire Jewish community.Based on my upbringing, I wouldfeel guilty for betraying generations ofJewish martyrs who had died so that Icould be free to be Jewish. How couldI marry a non-Jew, contributing to theassimilation and possible disappearanceof my people? And even if I could acceptintermarriage, my father never would.My father believed that intermarriagewas a shanda. He had repeatedly told mehow important it was to marry “inside.”He worried about the ultimate demise ofthe Jewish people through assimilation.He also believed that marriage was“tough enough as it is” and “easier if youstart with a common culture, religion, andvalues.” Years ago, my father threatenedto disown my older sister if she marriedAnnette Powers is Communications and PRManager at the URJ. You can read her personalblog at huffingtonpost.com/annette-powers.her non-Jewish boyfriend. I didn’t thinkhe would have had the heart to do it, butthe relationship ended before his willwas tested. I loved my father dearly,On my wedding day.respected his convictions even when wedidn’t always agree, and ascribed greatimportance to his opinions.But I wasn’t willing to break up withmy boyfriend. Sure, I shared my father’sconcerns about the survival of the Jewishpeople and, though it might sound stereotypical,was aware of the cultural differencesbetween our Jewish family and hisnon-Jewish one. Our families communicateddifferently. In my family weaddressed our feelings openly; his tendedto ignore uncomfortable issues, hopingthey would just go away. Yet I still feltthat our similarities outweighed our differences.I just hoped my father wouldagree and come around to the idea thatdating—even marrying—a non-Jewdidn’t have to be a shanda. Howeverchallenging, I believed that intermarriagecould work and I could have a Jewishhome, raise a Jewish family, and contributeto Jewish peoplehood.As the years went by and our relationshipintensified, my boyfriendaccompanied me to many a seder andKol Nidre service. When we moved intogether, we lit Shabbat candlesweekly and danced around theliving room singing z’mirot(Shabbat songs). We attendedJudaism classes and a supportgroup for interfaith couples andagreed that if we ever had kids,we would raise them as Jews.Through it all, my father and Ihad many long discussions onthe subject of intermarriage.Eventually he came to acceptmy choice, though it was verydifficult for him.When my boyfriend askedmy parents for my hand in marriage, hereassured my father that he understoodthe importance of Judaism in our livesand would honor and uphold Jewish traditionsand values. Though probably stillreluctant, my father lovingly said yes. Hehad come to adore this young man andsaw that we were happy together.In the months that followed, friendsand family were surprised at how wellmy father was “handling” our engagement.But I knew that a piece of him wasdying inside, and I felt horribly guiltyabout it. The Reform rabbi we’d asked tomarry us counseled my dad severaltimes before our wedding, helping himwork through his conflicted feelings.About a year after our beautifulJewish wedding, we found out we werehaving a baby boy. When he was 16months old, I discovered that my husbandwas having an affair. He told mehe was in love with the other womanreform judaism 45 winter 2012