Talk to your children about sex and relationships: support for parents

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2 TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPSconfidence in talking about feelings andrelationships – and in the years to comewill help them to make sensible decisionsabout sex and relationships. Use propernames for the body parts, and answerquestions truthfully and briefly. Childrenhate lectures – if they want moreinformation they will ask anotherquestion. ‘Where did you get me’? Canbe answered by saying, ‘you grew in aspecial place in mummy’s tummy’. A fewyears later you may be asked by anincredulous 10 year old: ‘Why dopeople have sex’? And the responsecould be: ‘grown ups like to do itbecause it feels nice, it’s a way ofshowing love and it can make babies’.Without frightening them make sure thatthey understand that they can say ‘no’ tosomeone who is touching them orapproaching them in a way that makesthem feel unhappy or uncomfortable.They must also be assured that ifsomething like this happens it is right totell someone and ask for help.How do I get started?● First prepare yourself – talk withyour partner, friends and relatives tobuild up your confidence.● Read a book or leaflet aimed atyour child’s age group to increaseyour knowledge, and help you findwords and a style you’recomfortable with.How to talk withchildren and youngpeople about valuesand moralityThe family has a major role indeveloping a child’s values andattitudes to sex and relationships.Close loving relationships are the bestway of showing a child or youngperson how your family ‘does things’,based on your values, culture, faithand beliefs. Research across the worldconfirms that telling young people to‘say no’ doesn’t work. Young peopleSome Dos and Don’tsDo● Read books, leaflets or watch a video with your child.● Talk while you’re doing something else – washing up, driving in the car orfishing.● Enjoy it. Laugh with each other, not at each other – it can reduceembarrassment and stress.● Listen rather than judge. Try asking them what they think?● Answer questions and don’t be afraid to say: ‘I really don’t know – let’swork it out or look it up together’. Have a phrase for awkward moments,such as: ‘That’s a good question, but let’s talk about it once we get home’(then make sure you do!).● Always respond, if you don’t, she or he may think it is wrong to talk to youabout sex and relationships and as a result you may find your child clamsup when you raise the subject.● If it all feels too personal, try talking about people in books, films andfavourite television programmes such as soaps.Don’t● Bombard your child with questions or talk too much. Many children say it isawful to get the formal lecture on sex or questions fired at them. ‘I asked aquestion and she immediately came back with “Are you having sex then?” Tryand hold on to your anxieties, answer the question, and respect privacy.Young people go through phases of wanting to be private. It’s better to keeptheir trust than antagonise or alienate them.● Be afraid to tell children what you think, and why. But do try and avoidmaking harsh judgements of others and give your child some leeway tocome to their own opinions.don’t always want to be told what todo but they are interested in talkingabout what is right and wrong.Conversations need to be relaxed,realistic and relevant to youngpeople’s life experiences.What do schools doabout sex andrelationshipseducation?In the early years up to the age of 7,teachers will be helping children todevelop the skills of listening andcaring as well as talking aboutfeelings and their relationships withfamilies and friends. Children willlearn the names of the body parts, thedifferences between male and femaleand the ways in which they willdevelop and grow. Importantly, theywill also learn to recognise unsafe andrisky situations, and to ask for help.'We address the bodily changeschildren are going through as theyreach the age of 9 and 10 becausechildren are maturing earlier now'primary school head teacherFrom 7 to 18 years they will continue todevelop their knowledge and skills. Inagreement with parents, children will beprepared for the physical and emotionalchanges of puberty and learn aboutreproduction and sexual behaviour. Theywill also learn about relationships,sexuality, contraception and safer sex,including the importance of family,marriage and stable long-termrelationships for the care and support of
TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS 3children. They will also learn social skills,which will help them to be assertive, askquestions, access support, negotiatewithin relationships, problem solve andmake and carry out decisions.There are laws which ensure that SRE isdelivered within a moral framework thatvalues the diversity of family life. TheGovernment has given guidance to eachschool on how they should teach SRE toensure that it works by improving sexualheath and well-being, reducing teenagepregnancy and delaying first sex.All schools are expected to join theirlocal accredited Healthy Schoolsscheme. This offers a process thatensures SRE is planned in partnershipwith parents, pupils and school nurses.How can parents helpschools?Schools review their SRE policy on aregular basis. They are encouraged towork in partnership with parents. Askthe teachers if you can help. Read thepolicy and look at some of theresources. Parent Teacher Associationsor Boards of Governors have meetingson SRE. Try to attend them, and helpthe school to plan good sex andrelationships education. In some areas,parents have been trained as peer sexeducators so they can help otherparents to talk with children andyoung people about sex andrelationships. Parents can test outleaflets and videos at home, conduct asurvey to work out what everybody –both parents and pupils – expect ofSRE in school and give classroom talksabout being a parent.What happens if I amnot happy with SREprovided in ourschool?It is very rare that parents are unhappywith SRE in school. Most concerns arefounded on misunderstanding ratherthan complete disagreement. Wherethere are concerns, difficulties can oftenbe resolved by making an appointmentto talk with the Personal Social HealthEducation (PSHE) and CitizenshipCoordinator in school. Be prepared toexpress your view and hear the views ofteachers and governors. And mostimportantly, listen to what your childthinks. Parents of some cultures andfaiths have expressed concerns thatboys and girls are taught together.Where this has happened the schoolhas resolved it, by making arrangementsto deliver the more private aspects ofSRE in single sex groups.In the rare event that you are still notsatisfied, you have the right to withdrawyour child from certain lessons or thewhole programme provided within PSHEand Citizenship. The reproductiveelements of SRE are often delivered inScience and children cannot bewithdrawn from a National Curriculumsubject. You will need to notify the Chairof Governors and the school will makeseparate arrangements for your child.Think carefully about how your child willget the right information and educationbefore you withdraw your childcompletely. It is usually better to hearsomething from a teacher than hear it inthe playground.What laws about sexaffect young people?Young people cannot legally consentto sex until they are 16. TheDepartment of Health and medicalprofessional guidelines require doctorsto offer all patients, including youngpeople under 16, a confidentialservice. They always encourage youngpeople to talk with their parents, butthey are able to give confidentialcontraceptive advice and treatment ifthey believe the young person willhave sex anyway and endanger theirsexual health. Doctors are required touse their professional judgement toassure themselves that the youngperson is mature enough to understandcontraceptive treatment. They are onlyable to break confidence in veryspecific circumstances, such assuspected sexual abuse.Who should betalking about sex andrelationships?Fathers as well as mothers need to talkabout sex. Mothers talk more to girls,and often boys feel left out. If we wantyoung men to take responsibility fortheir sexual behaviour we need tooffer them support. One young mancommented: ‘The moment it looked asif the conversation was going that wayDad was up and out saying he had tomow the lawn,’ while another said: ‘Itwas great. They didn’t always knowthe answers but Mum and Dad werealways willing to talk with us about it.’Grandparents can play an importantrole by recalling how it was for themwhen they were younger. Aunties areoften good at talking about thesematters with their nephews and nieces.Stepparents and foster parents shouldalso be willing to answer questionsand involve themselves in familydiscussions about sex andrelationships, and of course teachersand school nurses will talk to childrenand young people in school.My child has adisability. How shouldI talk about sex andrelationships?Children with learning and/or physicaldisabilities need exactly the same sexand relationships education as allchildren, but it may need to beexplained more simply and moreoften. It is also important because theymay be more vulnerable to abuse andexploitation. There are some extremelyuseful resources to get you started (seesources of support, below).
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