Talk to your children about sex and relationships: support for parents

Talk to your childrenabout sex and relationships:support for parentsForum Factsheet 31Children learn about sex from a very young age even if we don’ttalk with them about it. Many of the things they learn are incorrect,confusing and frightening. In a world where sex is used to sell carsand ice creams, and celebrities’ private lives become everybody’sbusiness, we can’t afford not to talk to our children about sex andrelationships if we’re going to help them make sense of it all.Of course it isn’t always easy. Many ofus feel embarrassed and worry that wedon’t know enough. After all, very few ofus had good sex education ourselves.Some of us feel that we’re not in aposition to talk because our ownrelationships haven’t been so good –and we don’t want our children accusingus of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.This leaflet is designed for anybody whois a parent or who cares for children andyoung people. It will help you to talk tothem about sex and relationships.What is sex andrelationships education(SRE)?It is learning about sex, relationships,sexuality and sexual health. Mostly thishappens at home, as well as fromfriends, television, films, and magazinesand later at school. It doesn’t justhappen when we’re young: all throughour lives we learn new facts andcontinue to develop values and attitudesabout sex and relationships.What do children andyoung people say?Young people say that many parents andteachers are not very good at talkingabout sex and relationships. They leaveit too late and often don’t talk about ituntil children have reached puberty, oryoung people have started feeling sexualdesire – or sometimes until they’realready having sex. Children and youngpeople don’t just want the biologicalfacts. They want to talk about feelingsand relationships, and they want us toanswer their questions: Why are boysdifferent from girls? How does your bodychange as you grow up? Where dobabies come from? When do you havesex? How do you say no? Why aresome people so prejudiced? How doyou catch HIV? How do you know if youwant to have sex? Why are people gay?How do you know that you’re in love?How do you talk to someone aboutcontraception and safer sex?Why should parentstalk about sex andrelationships?● Children and young people want theirparents to be the first person to talk tothem about sex and relationships.● If their families are confident talkingabout sex and relationships, youngpeople will find it easier to resist peerpressure, express their beliefs andopinions, challenge bullying and beable to understand negative messagesabout sex and relationships.● Lots of people feel very uncomfortableabout sex and think that it’s somethingto laugh about or feel shameful about.We can change this by talking aboutit positively and being honest evenwhen it is difficult and embarrassing.● Young people who have good sexeducation at home and at schoolstart sex later and are less likely tohave an unplanned pregnancy or toget a sexually transmitted infection.Countries in Europe, that have supportedparents, established SRE in schools andprovided sexual health services foryoung people, have seen many benefits.Fewer teenage girls get pregnant, youngpeople start having sex later, and theirsexual health is better.In England our teenage pregnancyrates are high: 90,000 girls and youngwomen under 19 get pregnant everyyear, 7,000 of whom are under 16.Nearly half these pregnancies end inabortion. Between a quarter and a thirdof young people under 16 have sex –and the younger they are, the less likelythey are to use contraception or havesafer sex. The rates of sexuallytransmitted infections among youngpeople, including HIV, continue to rise.The Government is taking actionthrough the Teenage PregnancyStrategy and the Sexual Health andHIV Strategy to improve sexual healthand reduce teenage pregnancy. Allschools have been sent Guidance bythe Department of Education and Skillson how to deliver SRE in schools.When should webegin talking aboutsex and relationships?Start early. Very small children get allsorts of wrong ideas that frighten andconfuse them. Talk with them abouttheir feelings, friendships andrelationships in the family.Conversations like this help build their

2 TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPSconfidence in talking about feelings andrelationships – and in the years to comewill help them to make sensible decisionsabout sex and relationships. Use propernames for the body parts, and answerquestions truthfully and briefly. Childrenhate lectures – if they want moreinformation they will ask anotherquestion. ‘Where did you get me’? Canbe answered by saying, ‘you grew in aspecial place in mummy’s tummy’. A fewyears later you may be asked by anincredulous 10 year old: ‘Why dopeople have sex’? And the responsecould be: ‘grown ups like to do itbecause it feels nice, it’s a way ofshowing love and it can make babies’.Without frightening them make sure thatthey understand that they can say ‘no’ tosomeone who is touching them orapproaching them in a way that makesthem feel unhappy or uncomfortable.They must also be assured that ifsomething like this happens it is right totell someone and ask for help.How do I get started?● First prepare yourself – talk withyour partner, friends and relatives tobuild up your confidence.● Read a book or leaflet aimed atyour child’s age group to increaseyour knowledge, and help you findwords and a style you’recomfortable with.How to talk withchildren and youngpeople about valuesand moralityThe family has a major role indeveloping a child’s values andattitudes to sex and relationships.Close loving relationships are the bestway of showing a child or youngperson how your family ‘does things’,based on your values, culture, faithand beliefs. Research across the worldconfirms that telling young people to‘say no’ doesn’t work. Young peopleSome Dos and Don’tsDo● Read books, leaflets or watch a video with your child.● Talk while you’re doing something else – washing up, driving in the car orfishing.● Enjoy it. Laugh with each other, not at each other – it can reduceembarrassment and stress.● Listen rather than judge. Try asking them what they think?● Answer questions and don’t be afraid to say: ‘I really don’t know – let’swork it out or look it up together’. Have a phrase for awkward moments,such as: ‘That’s a good question, but let’s talk about it once we get home’(then make sure you do!).● Always respond, if you don’t, she or he may think it is wrong to talk to youabout sex and relationships and as a result you may find your child clamsup when you raise the subject.● If it all feels too personal, try talking about people in books, films andfavourite television programmes such as soaps.Don’t● Bombard your child with questions or talk too much. Many children say it isawful to get the formal lecture on sex or questions fired at them. ‘I asked aquestion and she immediately came back with “Are you having sex then?” Tryand hold on to your anxieties, answer the question, and respect privacy.Young people go through phases of wanting to be private. It’s better to keeptheir trust than antagonise or alienate them.● Be afraid to tell children what you think, and why. But do try and avoidmaking harsh judgements of others and give your child some leeway tocome to their own opinions.don’t always want to be told what todo but they are interested in talkingabout what is right and wrong.Conversations need to be relaxed,realistic and relevant to youngpeople’s life experiences.What do schools doabout sex andrelationshipseducation?In the early years up to the age of 7,teachers will be helping children todevelop the skills of listening andcaring as well as talking aboutfeelings and their relationships withfamilies and friends. Children willlearn the names of the body parts, thedifferences between male and femaleand the ways in which they willdevelop and grow. Importantly, theywill also learn to recognise unsafe andrisky situations, and to ask for help.'We address the bodily changeschildren are going through as theyreach the age of 9 and 10 becausechildren are maturing earlier now'primary school head teacherFrom 7 to 18 years they will continue todevelop their knowledge and skills. Inagreement with parents, children will beprepared for the physical and emotionalchanges of puberty and learn aboutreproduction and sexual behaviour. Theywill also learn about relationships,sexuality, contraception and safer sex,including the importance of family,marriage and stable long-termrelationships for the care and support of

TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS 3children. They will also learn social skills,which will help them to be assertive, askquestions, access support, negotiatewithin relationships, problem solve andmake and carry out decisions.There are laws which ensure that SRE isdelivered within a moral framework thatvalues the diversity of family life. TheGovernment has given guidance to eachschool on how they should teach SRE toensure that it works by improving sexualheath and well-being, reducing teenagepregnancy and delaying first sex.All schools are expected to join theirlocal accredited Healthy Schoolsscheme. This offers a process thatensures SRE is planned in partnershipwith parents, pupils and school nurses.How can parents helpschools?Schools review their SRE policy on aregular basis. They are encouraged towork in partnership with parents. Askthe teachers if you can help. Read thepolicy and look at some of theresources. Parent Teacher Associationsor Boards of Governors have meetingson SRE. Try to attend them, and helpthe school to plan good sex andrelationships education. In some areas,parents have been trained as peer sexeducators so they can help otherparents to talk with children andyoung people about sex andrelationships. Parents can test outleaflets and videos at home, conduct asurvey to work out what everybody –both parents and pupils – expect ofSRE in school and give classroom talksabout being a parent.What happens if I amnot happy with SREprovided in ourschool?It is very rare that parents are unhappywith SRE in school. Most concerns arefounded on misunderstanding ratherthan complete disagreement. Wherethere are concerns, difficulties can oftenbe resolved by making an appointmentto talk with the Personal Social HealthEducation (PSHE) and CitizenshipCoordinator in school. Be prepared toexpress your view and hear the views ofteachers and governors. And mostimportantly, listen to what your childthinks. Parents of some cultures andfaiths have expressed concerns thatboys and girls are taught together.Where this has happened the schoolhas resolved it, by making arrangementsto deliver the more private aspects ofSRE in single sex groups.In the rare event that you are still notsatisfied, you have the right to withdrawyour child from certain lessons or thewhole programme provided within PSHEand Citizenship. The reproductiveelements of SRE are often delivered inScience and children cannot bewithdrawn from a National Curriculumsubject. You will need to notify the Chairof Governors and the school will makeseparate arrangements for your child.Think carefully about how your child willget the right information and educationbefore you withdraw your childcompletely. It is usually better to hearsomething from a teacher than hear it inthe playground.What laws about sexaffect young people?Young people cannot legally consentto sex until they are 16. TheDepartment of Health and medicalprofessional guidelines require doctorsto offer all patients, including youngpeople under 16, a confidentialservice. They always encourage youngpeople to talk with their parents, butthey are able to give confidentialcontraceptive advice and treatment ifthey believe the young person willhave sex anyway and endanger theirsexual health. Doctors are required touse their professional judgement toassure themselves that the youngperson is mature enough to understandcontraceptive treatment. They are onlyable to break confidence in veryspecific circumstances, such assuspected sexual abuse.Who should betalking about sex andrelationships?Fathers as well as mothers need to talkabout sex. Mothers talk more to girls,and often boys feel left out. If we wantyoung men to take responsibility fortheir sexual behaviour we need tooffer them support. One young mancommented: ‘The moment it looked asif the conversation was going that wayDad was up and out saying he had tomow the lawn,’ while another said: ‘Itwas great. They didn’t always knowthe answers but Mum and Dad werealways willing to talk with us about it.’Grandparents can play an importantrole by recalling how it was for themwhen they were younger. Aunties areoften good at talking about thesematters with their nephews and nieces.Stepparents and foster parents shouldalso be willing to answer questionsand involve themselves in familydiscussions about sex andrelationships, and of course teachersand school nurses will talk to childrenand young people in school.My child has adisability. How shouldI talk about sex andrelationships?Children with learning and/or physicaldisabilities need exactly the same sexand relationships education as allchildren, but it may need to beexplained more simply and moreoften. It is also important because theymay be more vulnerable to abuse andexploitation. There are some extremelyuseful resources to get you started (seesources of support, below).

4 TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX AND RELATIONSHIPSWhat if my son ordaughter is gay?Even though it may be hard for you it isimportant that you don’t express strongnegative feelings because your childwill need your acceptance and loveand positive messages from you thatbeing gay is fine. Gay children andyoung people are often bullied verballyand physically, in and out of school.We need to challenge prejudicebecause it damages the self-esteem andemotional development of the child whois bullied – as well as the bulliesthemselves. There is information andsupport available both for you and yourchild (see sources of support).I’m a foster parent,and some of thechildren I look afterhave been sexuallyabused. What shouldI do?Everything in this leaflet is relevant toyou, but the children you’re lookingafter may find that talking about sexbrings up traumatic memories. Thismeans you have to build their trust first.They may not know as much about sexas you think – and past abuse maymean they’ll be more open to abusiverelationships in the future. Reassurethem that the abuse was not their fault,be very boundaried and let them knowyou recognise how painful it is forthem. Make sure you get specialistsupport from the social worker, whomay be able to offer training or leafletsfor you and the children.I’m on my own with ason and a daughter;do I need to doanything different?No, you may feel it’s harder becauseyou can’t share the responsibility. Tryand make sure that your children cantalk with trusted family members andfriends of both sexes.I feel I’ve left it toolate to start talkingabout sex andrelationshipsIt’s never too late. Why not start nowby talking about this leaflet?Sources of supportThere are many books, leaflets andsome videos on sex and relationships,aimed at all ages. They can beborrowed from schools or publiclibraries, or bought from your localhigh street book shop. Attend schoolmeetings and events, which will talkabout SRE. You’ll find that mostparents are ‘like you’ trying to do thebest for their child. The followingorganisations offer information,helplines, leaflets, and books and insome cases a mail order service.BrookTelephone: 0800 0185023 (forlocal information)FFLAG (Families and Friends ofLesbians and Gays)Helpline: 01454 852 418E-mail: info@fflag.org.ukWebsite: www.fflag.org.ukfpa (formally Family PlanningAssociation)Helpline: 0845 310 1334Monday to Friday 9am to 7pmwww.fpa.org.ukParenting Education andSupport ForumInformation Service: 020 7284 8388E-mail: pesf@dial.pipex.comWebsite: www.parentingforum.org.ukParentline PlusHelpline: 0808 800 2222Monday to Friday 9am to 9pmSaturday 9.30am to 5pmSunday 10am to 3pmWebsite: www.parentlineplus.org.ukPublished by the National Children's Bureau as part of the SPOTLIGHT series.Registered Charity 258825. 8 Wakley Street, London EC1V 7QE.Sex Education ForumTel: 020 7843 1901 Fax: 020 7843 6053 E-mail: sexedforum@ncb.org.ukWebsite: www.ncb.org.uk/sef© National Children’s Bureau October 2003