Summer 2008, No. 3 - United Methodist Men

Men’s ministry is similar to roller coaster rides,says men’s ministry executiveNASHVILLE, Tenn.––“Formany guys, men’s ministryis like a roller coasterride,” said Brett Clemmer,vice president ofleadership developmentwith Man in the Mirror,an Orlando, Fla.-basedorganization that helpschurches reach meneffectively.Clemmer told theNational Association ofConference Presidents ofUnited Methodist Menof the first time he rode”The Hulk” roller coasterat a local theme park.“I kept getting morenervous as I got closer tothe front of the line,” saidClemmer. “Once I was onthe ride, I enjoyed it, andI was soon saying, ‘Is thisall you’ve got?’ But whenthe ride ended I realized Iwas right back where I hadstarted. I hadn’t really gone anywhere!And now that I knew what to expect,the next ride would not be nearly asexhilarating.”Too often, this is the way menexperience spiritual activities in thechurch. They go to an event like aretreat and leave on a spiritual high,only to crash a few days or weekslater because there is no follow-upopportunity, no way to sustain themomentum. Over time, men just quittrying.“Your system is perfectly designedto produce the results you are getting,”he said. “If you do whatyou’ve always done, you’llget what you’ve alwaysgotten.” He suggests thatlocal churches shouldprovide a number of entrypoints. Different typesof men will be drawnto different types ofactivities. “Most men arenot going to immediatelysign up for a 34-weekDisciple Bible study,” hesaid. “We need to castour nets wide and createan environment wheremen are comfortable.”The No Man LeftBehind model providesa system that every UMchurch can use to makesure that their efforts todisciple men don’t losetheir momentum. “Alwaysmake sure you are tellingmen what the ‘right nextstep’ is,” urged Clemmer.“Make sure you use your activities tochannel men into the activities in yourchurch that work best for men.”“We’re the leaders,” Clemmerconcluded. “Our heart is for disciplingmen and helping them grow in Christ.But we have to remember that allmen aren’t ‘there’ yet in their spiritualhunger. Remember––don’t be mad ata man because you want him to growmore than he does. Just pray that theHoly Spirit would move onhis heart and make himhungry for the gospel.”HumorThe Bible explained by kidsWe try to give members of our junior church a background in biblical history. At the endof the year, we ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment elicitsintriguing responses:In the beginning, which occurred nearthe start, there was nothing but God,darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think Hemust be a lot older than that. Anyway,God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someonedid. Then God made the world. He splitthe Adam and made Eve.Adam and Eve were naked, but theyweren’t embarrassed because mirrorshadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Evedisobeyed God by eating one bad apple,so they were driven from the Garden ofEden. Not sure what they were driven inthough, because they didn’t have cars.Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, whohated his brother as long as he was Abel.Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived tobe like a million or something. One of thenext important people was Noah, whowas a good guy, but one of his kids waskind of a ham. Noah built a large boat andput his family and some animals on it. Heasked some other people to join him, butthey said they would have to take a raincheck.After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, andJacob. Jacob was more famous than hisbrother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast.Jacob had a son named Joseph who worea really loud sports coat.Another important Bible guy is Moses,whose real name was Charlton Heston.Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after Godsent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable. God fed the IsraelLights every day with manicotti. Then Hegave them His top ten commandments.These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke,dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom(the Bible uses a bad word for bottomthat I’m not supposed to say. But my Daduses it sometimes when he talks about thePresident). Oh, yeah, I just thought of onemore: Humor thy father and thy mother.One of Moses’ best helpers wasJoshua, who was the first Bible guy to usespies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritoland the fence fell over on the town.After Joshua came David. He got tobe king by killing a giant with a slingshot.He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. Myteacher says he was wise, but that doesn’tsound very wise to me.After Solomon there were a bunch ofmajor league prophets. One of these wasJonah, who was swallowed by a big whaleand then barfed up on the shore.There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don’t have toworry about them.After the Old Testament came theNew Testament. Jesus is the star ofthe New Testament. He was born inBethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had beenborn in a barn, too, because my mom isalways saying to me, “Close the door!Were you born in a barn?” It would benice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”)During his life, Jesus had manyarguments with sinners like the Phariseesand the Republicans. Jesus also had twelveopossums. The worst one was JudasAsparagus. Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.Jesus was a great man He healedmany leopards and even preached tosome Germans on the Mount. But theRepublicans and all those guys put Jesuson trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilotdidn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washedhis hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died forour sins, and then came back to life again.He went up to Heaven, but will be backat the end of the Aluminum. His return isforetold in the book of Revolution.20 l Summer 2008 l UM MEN UM MEN l Summer 2008 l 21