'Birth, Marriage & Death' conversations - E13 Learning Community

E13 People UnitedThe idea for these conversations emerged from discussions amongst members of E13 People Utd aboutwanting to learn how better to support people from other cultures and faiths at times of significant changein their lives. We first thought of inviting experts to lead seminars, but then realised that if E13‘s diverseresidents were able to talk together they could explain how they mark these events and what involvementthey would value from their neighbours.We brought in Newham’s Conflict and Change to facilitate a 3-part “Community Conversation” on birth,marriage & relationships, and death & mourning, in Spring 2012 at the Harold Road Centre. There was anastonishingly diverse range of people, both in terms of cultural background and personal experience of these‘rites of passage’. In planning the sessions we aimed to create a safe space for everyone to share theirexperience with strangers, and were aware that there would be some painful memories.This pamphlet is to share something of the flavour of our conversations, and some of what we learned. Wehope that others will think about the issues and feel confident to open up to their neighbours.Facilitated byOrganised byFunded by

NAMINGBLESSINGReflectionsThis was the first of our conversation events, and the general positivity around newlife helped us off to a great start. It did not feel too difficult to share about thearrival of babies into our families, or to think about how to share in neighbours’ joy.We tried to remain sensitive to some people’s associations of birth with loss throughmiscarriage, still-birth or early death of a child, or of not having children. There was areal buzz of conversation in the pairings and small groups which fed through into thewhole group sessions. Compared to the later events, there were probably more ‘facts’shared about cultural/religious rituals, and participants found much of this informationnew and fascinating.MANTRACARDSupport your neighbour….mother, but also of joy and celebration for theisit soon after the birth, but others wouldng, partly to protect the baby from catchingfood, clothes, or money to the parents or baby,even some months after the birth to name,called a baptism, where the child is brought intoere will also be a circumcision ritual. In Hinduong after birth.sociated with a neighbour’s own culture. Achores, such as shopping, might be especiallyAZANDates are given to newbornsin Muslim familiesCELEBRATIONBAPTISMCHANGECOMMUNITYWrite here your blessing for the children born in E13 in 2012 and 2013__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________A question for you to consider — how could you show your care for aneighbour who is a new parent?PRAYER

COMMITMENTFAMILYThis session was held in May 2012. Participants included people who defined their faith asMuslim, Christian, Buddhist, and Agnostic, Our cultural backgrounds included Hungarian,Somalian, Ugandan, Malaysian, Turkish, Caribbean, Pakistani, Bengali and British. Therewere people who had been married recently or were about to tie the knot, and otherswho’d been married many years, more than once, divorced or remained single or werecommitedly celibate.The session was broken up into a series of activities, sometimes in pairs or small groups,as well as those with the whole group such as sharing marriage-related artefacts, mappinghow important marriage is in society, and sharing our wishes for E13 newlyweds in thecoming year.LOVEHEN/STAG NIGHTSItems we shared which were connectedto marriage in our familiesFOODHONESTYCEREMONYMarks of respect — how tWeddings are a time of joy and celebration in allgrows over time. Many cultures have pre-weddinseparately - for example hen or henna (mehndi) nduring the ceremony. In some traditions or familiseparate, or there may be no religious ceremony adifferent even within the same religion.The giving of cards and gifts (perhaps from a wecommon, as is giving the newly-weds some time algenerally expressing happiness and congratulationwelcome. Practical help, such as helping create pafter the wedding might be valuable. And being oof support too.TRUSTOur wishes for people getting married in E13 in 2012 and 2013Have a prosperous and happy marriage and family. Talk honestly.May your marriage last forever. Bring out the best in each other.Be true to yourselves. Don’t get stuck in a mindset. Joy and happiness.Find the real meaning of love. Peace and harmony. Wealth and abundance.May your relationship grow. Have a meaningful relationship.Enjoy yourself and spread happiness to your partner and your family.Find fulfilment. Don’t forget to have fun together.ARRANGEDSPIRITUAL UNIONFOREVER?CELEBRATIO

REJOICINGHARD WORKReflectionsParticipants were generally very positive about the value and their own experiences ofmarriage and long-term relationships, though most agreed that there was hard workinvolved in sustaining them, and sometimes real suffering. This was the mostcontentious of the 3 conversations as the issues of divorce and of same-sex marriagecame up and there were clear disagreements. People expressed their valuing of theopportunity to hear different perspectives and disagree in a respectful setting. Therewas also much in common between us, particularly our wishes and prayers for thoselocals getting married in the coming year.o support your neighbour….cultures. Whether arranged or not, love usuallyg activities where the men and women celebrateights! In Muslim weddings this separation remainses the religious and the secular elements are quitet all. Cultural traditions can also be quitedding list) is a tradition most of us have inone, perhaps a honeymoon, after the wedding. Buts, offering prayers or blessing, are alwaysarking space outside the family home before andutside to wave the wedding party off is a nice signEXPECTATIONSSUFFERINGHENNA(MEHNDI) NIGHTSSOCIAL CONTROLWrite here your wish or hope for people getting married in or from E13 inthe coming year:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________A question for you to consider - how could you show your support toneighbours getting married?NRECOGNITION

CELEBRATION OF LIFEThis session was held in June 2012. Participants included people who defined theirfaith as Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, and Agnostic, Our cultural backgroundsincluded Somalian, Malaysian, Turkish, Irish, Polish, Welsh, Pakistani, Bengali,Ugandan, Caribbean and English. There were people who had lost husbands,brothers, sisters, cousins, parents, and friends, some very recently and some whenthey or the departed were very young.The session was broken up into a series of activities, sometimes in pairs or smallgroups, as well as those with the whole group such as sharing phrases or quotationswhich gave us comfort, what we ourselves would want to be remembered for after wedie, and our wishes/prayers for those losing loved ones in E13 in the coming year.Marks of respect — how to sMEMORIESRESPECTSHow people deal with the death of a loved one can varycircumstances of the death, as well as cultural traditionwith wanting to remember and celebrate a positive life,better place’.Funerals can take place very soon after death, usual inthe funeral service or prayers is usually open to all, butfamily and friends only. Expected mourning periods areinvolve not wearing decorative clothing or jewellery. Rmonths or even annually. Allowing the family members stheir feelings and not feel avoided, is a balancing act! Oalways welcome, and after the initial period of family moover a cuppa might be especially welcome.RECONCILIATIONOur wishes for those who suffer loss of a loved one in E13:May you find comfort through your grief. Take one step at a time and carry on with your life.One day the world will be how God meant it to be. May you find the support you need.May you find that peace that passes everyone’s understanding.Peace of heart and the ability to find peace in yourself.Reflect on your own life, be challenged to live a better one and make a difference in the world.Through the suffering of bereavement, come closer to an understandingof each other and closer to God.Learn to accept and continue the good that the departed was doing.Be reconciled with your family. Celebrate the life as well as mourn the loss.PRAYERSUFFERING

COMFORTCOMPASSIONLOSSReflectionsInevitably this was the most serious and painful of the 3 conversations.Participants respected, valued and were sensitive to each other’s openness andvulnerability across the cultural and religious differences. The sharing of personalloss and feelings was profoundly moving. Some said they had never before sharedsome of their experiences outside their immediate family. One participant with aprofessional interest expressed how much more meaningful such one-to-one sharinghad been than just reading about things in a book. There was an emphasis in ourconclusions on trying to take and make something positive of the experience of lossof loved ones.upport your neighbour….depending on the age of the deceased and thes or religious beliefs. Feelings of loss can be mixedor even of relief from suffering and going on to ’aMuslim cultures, or some weeks later. Attendinggoing on to the graveside may be for men or close, of course, always longer for spouses and oftenituals may take place after 40 days, severalpace to grieve, but also opportunities to shareffering condolences, in person or in a card, isurning a neighbour’s offer of a sympathetic chatPEACEREFLECTIONRITUALWrite here what you would like to be remembered for after you die(your epitaph):____________________________________________________________________________________________________________A question for you to consider — how can I support my neighbour who haslost a loved one?REGRETS

What next?…The key message coming from our conversations was, to coin a phrase, “It’s good to talk”. If you notice thata neighbour is celebrating or experiencing a life-changing event, why not just gently ask about their customsat such times, and if there is anything you could do to help? How about starting a conversation with a workcolleague, sharing what you’ve each experienced about your own and others’ cultural and religiouscelebrations or rituals?There is a time for everything,and a season for every activityunder the heavens:a time to be born and a time to die,a time to plant and a time to uproot,… a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance,a time to embraceand a time to refrain from embracing,a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away,… a time to be silent and a time tospeak…The Bible: Ecclesiastes 3E13 People United hopes to enable local schools’ parents’groups and other community groups to pick up on theseconversations, perhaps facilitated by Conflict & Change, tobroaden the learning and grow connections across ourdiversity. We are also promoting a Good Neighbour Pledgeto encourage people to take some simple positive steps to buildbetter relationships with their neighbours and a more fruitfulcommunity life. The group is starting to plan some workpicking up the Paralympic legacy, to focus on valuingdifferences and having a ‘can do’ approach to life.E13 Learning Community Ltd is a local charity working inpartnership with schools and community groups to makethe area an excellent and inclusive living and learningenvironment for children, young people, and families.Our community action forum, E13 People Utd works tobuild community life and grow relationships betweenpeople of different cultures, faiths and generations. Joinin!Our latest initiative is a Good Neighbour Pledge - visitwww.e13LC.org for more information,Conflict and Change is avoluntary organisationbuilding bridges of understandingwithin andbetween communities.Further info from:info@conflictandchange.co.ukwww.conflictandchange.co.uktel. 020 8552 2050E13 People United (c/o E13 Learning Community Ltd)Plaistow Primary School & Children’s CentreJunction Road, PlaistowLondon E13 9DQTel: 020 8548 5620 Mob: 079 2010 1740e-mail: simon.vincent@plaistow.newham.sch.ukThe Church Urban Fund NearNeighbours programme bringspeople together in religiouslyand ethnically diversecommunities, creating friendships,building relationships oftrust and helping people totransform their neighbourhoodstogether. Further infofrom: tel. 020 7898 1508Charity no.1138176 Company No.7118908registered in England & Wales at the above address