issue 49 - AsiaLIFE Magazine

KeepingTabsA handy guide on how to make yourself soundawesome in a job application. It’s not really lying,or so Tabitha Carvan says.Many expats worry about howtheir time spent overseas willaffect their employability whenthey return home. Fear not! Theskills you’ve learned in Vietnamare totally transferable. You justneed to position them in theright way.• “I have advanced andadaptable communicationskills”What this means is you canact out, charades-style, complexmedical afflictions for thepharmacist (“Two words, foursyllables… That’s right: vaginalthrush!”), and, using absolutelyno words, acquire exactly thecounterfeit medications youneed. Indeed, your non-verbalskills are so advanced that youcan convey entire sentences justusing your eyes. It only takesone narrow-eyed glare to say,“If this pirated DVD copy ofGame of Thrones is not of superiorquality, mark my words Iwill be right back here to haveyour guts for garters.”• “I have experience inresearch and analysis across abroad range of fields”Well, you might not leaveVietnam an expert in its historyor language or culture, but I betif I asked you for the neareststore that sells cheese, or whereto go for the cheapest beer in a100-metre radius, you wouldbe all over that shit. You are anexpert: you’re an expat expert.And that doesn’t happen overnight.It takes years of strategicresearch and analysis to findthe closest cheese and cheapestbeer.• “I have demonstrated experiencein following complexprocedures, and applying specificpolicies and guidelines”Do you know the correct,Vietnamese-approved order inwhich to add the raw ingredientsto your hotpot? Yes?Really? You’re not temptedto add the noodles too soon?Well, there is no more complexprocedure than that. You’re atotal pro.• “I am financially adept andhave considerable experience inprofit-and-loss calculations andbusiness negotiations”Finances? Pffft, piece ofcake! To be more precise, pieceof cake you got for half-pricebecause you found a baby ratin it. Score! Your entire life is aprofit-and-loss calculation. Sure,it’s running at a pretty constantloss of about 40 percent becauseof your poor bargaining techniquesand enormous nose, butthere’s a gecko living in yourkitchen who you’ve named“Gordon Gecko” which istotally the kind of reference thatonly a hard-hitting businessmogul like yourself would get.• “I can interpret and analysecomplex and ambiguous situations,generating appropriaterecommendations and solutions”You sure can. For example,when your neighbour asks you,“Do you have children yet?”you employ in depth analysisto understand this to mean:“You will surely die ALONEand BARREN.” Your solution isto rub your belly and pretendyou’re pregnant when reallyyou’ve just eaten too much ofthat chè with the rainbow jellyin it.• “I thrive in a fast-paced,dynamic environment”Umm, every time you useyour hairdryer, blue sparkscome flying out at you fromthe wall socket. I think you canhandle working in a “dynamic”office.• “Challenging situationsbring out the best in me”For you, a challenging situationis like a shot of rice winemade from rotting goat’s penis:it MAKES YOU STRONG. Sure,it could also make you vomitinto your handbag all the wayto the Family Medical Practice,but whatever, that’s still not theworst in you, is it.• “I have advanced problemsolvingskills”It only took you 12 monthsto work out which type ofVinamilk is the one with nosugar. You are basically an acecode-cracker.• “I operate to the highestlevels of personal integrity andethical standards”You wipe your chopstickswith a napkin before you usethem. That totally counts.And just like that, your timein Vietnam reaps dividends. Ifyou need a reference, just sendthem to me. No-one’s going tocall a referee in Vietnam anyway.To read more from Tabitha visitthecitrthatneversleepsin.com.88 asialife HCMC