Cougar Town by Bill Lawrence and Kevin Biegel ... - Zen 134237

Cougar TownbyBill Lawrence and Kevin BiegelDOOZER PRODUCTIONSNETWORK (2ND) DRAFT2.05.09NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION©2009, ABC Studios. All rights reserved. This material is theexclusive property of ABC Studios and is intended solely for theuse of its personnel. Distribution to unauthorized persons orreproduction, in whole or in part, without the written consent ofABC Studios is strictly prohibited.

INT. JULES’ BATHROOM - EVENINGCLOSE ON a picture of JULIA “JULES” COBB IN HER TWENTIES,stunning in a bikini. Jules has no filter, and if sheweren’t so aggressively friendly, you’d say she was pushy,sarcastic -- even relentless. CUT WIDE TO REVEAL JULES AT40, NAKED (post shower), comparing the old picture to hercurrent self in the mirror. She pokes at her body, tugs ather arm skin, pulls her belly tight so there’s no wrinkles,etc. Then, re: her reflection, pissed:Fuck!JULESSHE DIMS THE BRIGHT LIGHTS, THEN TAKES ANOTHER LOOK:JULES (CONT’D)Much better.As she checks out her butt and shrugs, pleased:EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME - NIGHTCUT TO:SEAHAVEN is a small town on Florida’s Gulf Coast whereeveryone turns out for high school football games. The crowdis full of a specific type of woman: 40s, dressed young forher age: too much skin, too much Botox, just too much. ANGLEON a banner that reads “Welcome to Cougar Town!” TheSeahaven Cougar football team bursts through the sign,TRAMPLING the Cougar mascot. As the team bounces around thefield, we hear Jules’ dialogue as narrative V.O.:JULES (O.C.)You know how they say fifty percentof marriages end in divorce...JULES (dressed appropriately cute) sits with her son TAD (17)and friend/assistant LAURIE KEENAN (28). Tad is quietlyhandsome, sarcastic and his relationship with JulesVACILLATES BETWEEN FRIEND AND PARENT. Laurie is a happy-goluckytownie, but she can stand up for herself. Jules seesher potential and treats her like a little sister/protege.JULES (CONT’D)... Around here it seems likeninety percent. And I know I’m oneof them, but I don’t feel like oneof them, you know?LAURIEWill you look at all these old assbitties trolling for action.Jules SEES A VERY BIG CHESTED WOMAN.

2.JULESAw, Tad, your math teacher, Ms.Pritchett, got new boobs. Have thekids noticed her new boobs?TADWe have, Mom.LAURIEJules, you’re old. You had anyplastic surgery?JULESI got Botox once, but I didn’t likeit.TADYou looked like Mickey Rourke.Never again, right?JULESSweetie, when a woman says “I gotBotox once but I didn’t like it” itjust means that from now on sheonly gets a little so she can stillsmile and frown. See? Happy.(smiles, then frowning)Mad. Grrr. Plus, if my waddlethingy here gets any bigger --(re: skin under her chin)I’ll disappear for two weeks on a“vacation” and when I get back Imight talk a little differently butit will be gone -- Laurie, stopstaring at Ms. Pritchett you’llmake her self-conscious. She’sobviously not used to them yet.Ms. Pritchett is awkwardly trying to flaunt her breasts.LAURIEI can’t help it. They look likegorilla heads.TADCheck it. Ryan promised me he’d dosomething during warm-ups.RYAN, the quarterback, rifles a pass into the head of theCougar mascot, who drops. Tad and Laurie ad-lib cheers (Yes!Outstanding!) As Ryan points up to them:JULESHe’s a good friend.CUT TO:

3.EXT. PARKING LOT - AFTER THE GAMELaurie reads a text as Jules watches Tad talk to friends.LAURIEYour new realty signs are ready.I’ll put them out in the morning.JULESTad’s a great kid, isn’t he?LAURIEYeah. Can I take his virginity?JULESAgain, no.LAURIECome on, I want it.JULESI’m hoping my son’s first time is alittle more romantic and a littleless reverse cowgirl. Besides, wedon’t even know for sure that he’sstill a virgin.(they both laugh, then)Be nice.INT. JULES’ DEN - NIGHTCUT TO:Jules dials the phone. When it’s answered she holds thereceiver out as she pours a glass of wine. Then, into phone:JULESElle, that’s your wine beingpoured. Get over here.INT. ELLE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSELLE KELLER, 42 and attractive, is on her phone. An uppereastside type, Elle is mean, scary, and fiercely loyal toJules. She’s wearing a CLEAVAGE REVEALING NIGHTGOWN.ELLEI can’t, I promised my husband thatwe’d start having sex once a monthwithout it having to be a quickieand the fucker actually called meon it. Andy’s in the showershaving his beard because if hedoesn’t, forty minutes from now myinner thighs will look like someonetook a disk sander to them.

4.JULESGraphic. Why so pissy?I’m fat.ELLEJULESYou’re not.ELLEI am. I woke up fat.JULESYeah, I’m not buying it.Jules goes to her window and pulls up the shade REVEALINGELLE IN THE HER WINDOW TEN YARDS AWAY (they’re neighbors).JULES (CONT’D)Wow, you look slutty.ELLE(touched)Really?JULESTotal riverboat whore.ELLELove you. I thought you had a datetonight with Larry the lawyer.JULESYeah, I had to cancel it.Why?ELLEJULESBecause he’s ugly and sixty.Fucking Florida.ELLEHey, if you’re bored and want tohate yourself, do what I did andtry on all your old lingerie.JULESYeah, I only model lingerie bymyself on Saturday nights. OnFriday nights I look up old highschool boyfriends on the internet.ANDY (O.C.)Let’s do this, woman.

6.TAD(returns wearing jacket)Ryan’s mom just says “good night”.JULESLove you. And remember, home bytwelve, and if I ever catch you orRyan drinking and driving I’ll showeveryone that baby picture of youtwo holding each other’s penises.Bye, Mom.TADAnd he’s gone. Bored, Jules looks at the phone.CUT TO:INT. BEDROOM - SAME TIMEThe room is black, the phone rings and an OLDER, ODD-LOOKINGMAN (60ish), wakes, turns on the light and answers the phone.LARRYThis is Larry.INT. JULES’ DEN - CONTINUOUSJules talks to Larry the lawyer. From now on we INTERCUT:JULESIt’s eight-thirty on a Fridaynight, why are you already asleep?I guess I’m no better, I’m justsitting in my den, all by myself...(beat, then, tersely)Larry!REVEAL Larry is asleep on the phone. Startled, he wakes.LARRYThis is Larry.Jules hangs up and sits back on the couch. She sighs, andlooks around, lonely. Fed up, she grabs her keys and exits.INT. MINI-MART - NIGHTCUT TO:Jules is in line at the counter holding various junk treatsand magazines. She looks down the aisle and sees anincredibly HANDSOME YOUNG MAN (20s) DRINKING FROM A MILKCARTON. Lost in his looks, Jules reacts. TIGHTER ON THEYOUNG MAN’S FACE as rivulets of milk run down his cheek andneck. Flushed, Jules turns back to the counter.

7.The young man, NOW SHIRTLESS, ENTERS THE FRAME BEHIND HER ANDKISSES HER NECK. Jules moans:JULESHoly crap.Jules is snapped out of her fantasy by the cashier, who waitsto ring her up. He knows she’s ogling the handsome guy.CASHIERMa'am, whenever you’re done.JULES(flustered)Sorry. He is a cutie.The MARRIED COUPLE in line behind Jules shake their headsjudgmentally. Mortified, Jules addresses them calmly:JULES (CONT’D)Please don’t shake your heads atme. It makes me want to cry.(they stop)Thank you.EXT. STREET - NEXT MORNINGCUT TO:Jules (in robe) grabs her paper. Across the street, GRAYSONELLIS (40s, handsome, closed off, and calmly emotionless)ushers a pretty young CLUB GIRL (23) into a cab.GIRLI’d hook up with you again just forthe jacuzzi tub.GRAYSONI’ll file that under ‘classy’.GIRLCall me later, my number is 349--He CLOSES the DOOR on her mid-sentence. The cab leaves asJules approaches, playfully smiling; she loves torturing him.JULESAw, Grayson, that was so sweet. Ithink she might be the one. What?GRAYSONNothing. This is how I always lookat annoying people.(gives same look)This, on the other hand, is thelook I give to neighbors when Idon’t give a shit what they think.

8.JULESThey’re very similar looks.GRAYSON(walks off)Have a grand morning.JULES(follows him)You know what drives me nuts?GRAYSONGreat, let’s talk more.JULESHow come when a 40 year-old guygets divorced and starts violatingsorority girls everyone’s like,“Way to go”, but you see adivorced... mature woman with somehot young thing and it’s moredisturbing than the Holocaust? Andyou’re not the least bit selfconsciousabout the age difference.I mean, don’t you get insecureabout your grey hair, your potbelly, your skin tags--GRAYSONWhat’s a skin tag?JULESYou know, those gross, little, molethingies older people get.GRAYSONI don’t have those, but I’m sorryyou do.JULESI don’t have skin tags.GRAYSONFor someone that doesn’t have themyou seem to know a lot about them.JULESFine, I have a big one in myarmpit.GRAYSONI may vomit. Can I ask yousomething personal?JULESDon’t be mean, I can’t handle mean.

9.GRAYSONWhen was the last time you had sex?JULESI almost got together with my sonlast night.GRAYSONMaybe you just covet what youpretend to despise. Maybe whatreally “drives you nuts” is thatyou couldn’t bag a “hot youngthing” if you tried.JULES(beat, then points at him)Mean. You don’t think I could--No. No. Don’t give him thesatisfaction...(she steps off, then stepsback)The hell with it. Hey kid!As a BOY (15) ON A BIKE looks over, Jules opens her robeflashing him, revealing the RED BRA/PANTIES from last night.Pow!JULES (CONT’D)The boy BIKES INTO A PARKED CAR. Jules turns to Grayson:JULES (CONT’D)Yes! Suck it!GRAYSON(looking off)I think he broke his faceJULES(realizing)Right. Go get some ice.As Jules rushes over to help:END OF COLD OPEN

10.ACT ONEEXT. SEAHAVEN HIGH SCHOOL - MORNINGSTUDENTS GAWK and react as Jules drops Tad off at school.JULESI’m guessing the kid I flashed goesto your school.He does.TADJULESWould it help if I explain to himwhat I was going throughemotionally?Tad exits the car. RYAN (17, black, studly quarterback but agood guy) walks up. As Jules drives off, out window:JULES (CONT’D)Tell him I love him, Ryan.RYANShe loves you.The class prick, BJ, approaches. Tad turns to Ryan:TADGreat, here we go.BJHey Cobb, I heard your mom’s got aporn star body.TAD(sincere)Thanks, BJ. That’s really nice ofyou to say. I’ll let her know.(to Ryan as they walk off)Does he look confused?Mm-hmm.RYANCUT TO:INT. ELLE’S HOUSE - DAYElle HOLDS her baby and talks on the phone.ELLEStan. My baby’s name is Stan. Howridiculous is that?(MORE)

11.ELLE (CONT'D)He’d be Spencer if my husband’sstupid father hadn’t gone and died,like, a week before he was born.CUT TO:INT. COBB REALTY OFFICE - DAYIt’s a modest office. Laurie sits at her desk as Jules talkson the phone and gathers her things. WE INTERCUT:JULESHoney, is this call about anything?I have to go sell a house.ELLEThat means your little, babyassistant is there with you. Sayout loud that you’re better friendswith me than with her.JULESWhy are you in your crazy place?ELLEI haven’t seen you in person forweeks and we live next door to eachother! You’re coming over tonightto play Scrabble after I put thisthing to bed.JULESFine. And don’t call Stan a thing.Jules hangs up and they head out the door.INT. JULES’ CAR - SAME TIMECUT TO:Jules drives through Seahaven, an odd mixture of old Floridaand a new town trying to be trendy. Laurie sits next to her.LAURIEThis town has changed so much sinceI was a kid--Jules SLAMS ON the brakes. Laurie lurches forward:LAURIE (CONT’D)Give a girl a warning. My uterusalmost shot out.EXT. YARD - CONTINUOUSJules walks to a “Jules Cobb Realty“ for-sale sign. It’s aVERY SEXY PICTURE OF JULES; LOW-CUT TOP, SULTRY EXPRESSION.

12.JULESWhat did you do?! That’s not thephoto I picked. That’s from thenight we got drunk on Amaretto andplayed dress-up.LAURIEI don’t care if you fire me. Thisis marketing for Jules. I’mputting you back out there. You’vebeen divorced for five months andyou’re not having any fun.JULES(beat, then)I’m not, am I?No.LAURIEJULESI want to go out tonight, and Iwant to go somewhere where I canget a hot neck kiss from a handsomeyoung man. Preferably while he’sdrinking milk.LAURIEWe can do that.JULESGood. And I don’t care what peoplethink of me.LAURIEYeah, you do.JULESI know. It’s an issue.(then, vulnerable)Am I going to be like one of thosecougars at the game -- doesn’teveryone think they look desperateand inappropriate and just... sad?LAURIEJules, you could never be likethem. Look how beautiful you are.JULES(looks at sign, smiles)Thanks.

13.LAURIEFriends look out. It’s like whenyou finally convinced me that Dalewas a loser and I had to stopdating him. What?JULESYou have a giant hickey, and I cantell it’s Dale’s because whoeverdid it has a tooth missing.LAURIEUncalled for.They drive off. ANGLE ON SIGN. A BOY (14) walks by, does adouble take, looks both ways and STEALS IT.CUT TO:INT. EMPTY WATER FRONT HOUSE (FOR SALE) - MINUTES LATERBARBARA (50s), a conservative realtor, shows her clients (MAN60, WOMAN 24) the home. Jules speaks to the woman.JULESTake as much time as you need. Themaster bedroom is upstairs...(under her breath)If you want to see where yourhusband will eventually croak ontop of you.Laurie laughs. Barb approaches demurely.BARBARAGood morning, girls. How iseverything?LAURIEAwesome, Barb. I finally got Julesoff her ass and tonight we’re goingto get us some--JULESExcuse us.Jules pulls Laurie outside.EXT. EMPTY WATER FRONT HOUSE (FOR SALE) - CONTINUOUSJules steps in front of Laurie and walks backwards.JULESI have to deal with Barbprofessionally, my personal life isnone of her--

14.Right then, Jules TOPPLES OVER backwards.LAURIEYou know you’re not coordinatedenough to walk backwards in heels.REVEAL Jules facedown in a bush.JULESI will kill you.CUT TO:EXT. JULES’ HOUSE - MORNINGJules pulls up to see an old convertible, golf clubs in theback. Her ex, BOBBY COBB (42), a loser yet somehowdisarmingly charming, sits out front.JULESWhat do you want, Bobby?BOBBYI was hoping I could get a littleadvance on my next alimony check.(he follows her inside)C’mon, J-bird. Not a lot of peopleare taking golf lessons lately.I’ve got Tad tonight, I’d like tobe able to, you know, feed him.INT. JULES’ HOUSE - CONTINUOUSJules enters and starts filling out a check, annoyed.BOBBYYou know, Oprah said that when amarriage falls apart, both peopleneed to take responsibility fortheir roles.JULESI dropped out of college to supportyou and raise our kid while youspent twenty years trying to makeit on the tour and drillinganything that moved.BOBBYRight. And maybe you should askyourself what you did to make me dothat.(off her glare)Kidding. I know I was an ass.

15.JULES(smiles, hands over check)Hey, for old time’s sake, you wantto go upstairs and have sex?Uh, yeah.I don’t.BOBBYJULESBOBBYThat must have felt good.It did.JULESHe smiles and exits. Jules reacts casually (this is normal).EXT. HOUSE - EARLY EVENINGCUT TO:Jules and Tad walk toward a house. Jules eats her cuticle.TADCan you please not eat your finger?JULESGive me a break, I’m hungry.TADWhy do I still have to see ashrink?JULESYou’re a child of divorce, Tad.Own it.INT. PSYCHOLOGIST’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUSTad and Jules enter the home office waiting room.JULESPlus, I list Dr. Ellis’ house forhim, so you get free sessions.GRAYSON EMERGES (He’s the Shrink! Yay!) escorting out aSOBBING TEEN. Jules and Tad AWKWARDLY LOOK AWAY.GRAYSONI’ll call later to check on you.The second the sobbing girl exits, Jules sighs with relief:JULESWooo! What’s wrong with her?

16.GRAYSONI don’t know. She wasn’t cryingwhen she came in. You’re up, Tad.(as Tad heads in)And do not take your shoes offagain if you aren’t wearing socks.It’s disgusting.JULESI figured out how to get you backfor yesterday.GRAYSONPlease God, let it be the silenttreatment.JULESI decided that we’re friends.(off his reaction)When we see each other we’ll talkabout your life, whether you’rehappy or sad - we’re friends.GRAYSONYou can’t just decide that we’refriends.JULESUh, I just did.GRAYSONI don’t like this.JULESThat’s okay. Sometimes friends aremad at each other but they alwaysgo back to being friends.Stop it.GRAYSONJULESBye, call you later.As she leaves, we stay on Grayson’s reaction.CUT TO:INT. JULES’ BEDROOM - LATERLaurie sits in an armchair. She calls out.LAURIEWhy aren’t you ready yet?Jules pokes her head out of the bathroom, still in a towel.

17.JULESWell, I can’t find my favoritebase. Also, I’m old and saggy anddisgusting and I never really hadmy twenties so I have no idea howI’m supposed to act or look, andeven though I made fun of stupidLarry for going to bed early, ifI’m out after ten o’clock, I getsleepy, and I hate you.LAURIEWow, that came out all at once.JULESI’m not doing this. I’m happy theway things are.Laurie grabs the long pillow placed vertically on Jules’ bed.LAURIETwenty bucks says you sleep wrappedaround this thing like it’s somekind of pillow-man.JULESHis name is Jonathan. What am Iwearing?As Laurie tosses her an outfit:INT. GRAYSON’S INNER OFFICE - MOMENTS LATERCUT TO:Grayson sits angrily in thought. Tad slumps on a chair.GRAYSONWe may have to talk about mekilling your mother.TADWhy was that girl crying?GRAYSONShe snapped and cut off her dog’sfeet.Really?TADGRAYSONNo, I’m not allowed to tell you.How’s your dad?

18.TADStill talking about how he knowsTiger Woods.Does he?GRAYSONTADHe knows who Tiger Woods is.(then)At least with my mom, I always comefirst, you know?GRAYSONAnd you need that?The following line bridges the cut as VOICE OVER:TADYeah, maybe I do. Mom’s okay. Imean, I wish she didn’t have to sayexactly what’s she’s thinking thesecond she thinks it...CUT TO:EXT. THE WESTSIDE BAR - NIGHTJules and Laurie stand in front of a HANDSOME BLACK BOUNCERwith VERY DARK SKIN.JULESWow, you are really black. It’svery handsome on you.BOUNCERYeah it is.He pulls back the rope. Laurie enters. Jules hesitates.BOUNCER (CONT’D)It’s okay, you’ll be fine. Go get‘em.As Jules smiles, takes a deep breath, and enters, we...END OF ACT ONE

19.ACT TWOINT. THE WESTSIDE BAR - CONTINUOUSJules enters to see Florida’s idea of a Manhattan bar. Youngpeople interact with older men and cougars. MS. PRITCHETTNOW PROUDLY FLAUNTS HER NEW BOOBS IN A TANK TOP.LAURIELook, she’s getting used to them.(re: Jules)You seem nervous. Say somethingjudgmental about me, that alwaysloosens you up.JULESYou can’t wear fake nails on justone hand. It looks insane.LAURIEI only had four left. And this isthe hand I smoke with. Better?(Jules nods)First round’s on me.Laurie goes to the bar. Barb approaches looking different;tight dress, heels, make-up -- She is Barb, QUEEN COUGAR.JULESBarb? What are you doing here?BARBARAHaving a glass of Pinot with mysister, trying to score some dick.JULESOh, well... Good luck with that. Ihave to go over here.Jules turns away KNOCKING INTO MATT (26, attractive). Hisdrink explodes all over his shirt. He looks at Jules.JULES (CONT’D)Hi, I’m Jules.TIME CUT TO:LAURIE LOOKS OVER AT Jules and Matt now in mid-conversation.JULES (CONT’D)... I can’t believe you went tocollege in London. I always wantedto do stuff like that.MATTWhy didn’t you?

20.JULESYou know how it goes. I wasnineteen, met a guy, startedthinking with my hoo-hoo, and boom--I jammed out a kid.(finishes drink)Boy, you are hot as balls. Sorry,this is my second drink and allI’ve eaten today is finger skin.MATTGross. Want me to get you a water?JULESYeah, but have them put it in adrink glass with a lime so I stilllook cool.Matt exits, REVEALING BARB, who mouths “hit that”. Julesturns to see Ms. Pritchett all over a young man. Jules looksat a MIRROR and sees herself surrounded by youth (guys inbaseball hats, young girls, etc.). HORRIFIED, JULES LEAVES.EXT. JULES’ HOUSE - NIGHTCUT TO:As Jules EXITS A CAB, she sees GRAYSON with another YOUNGCLUB GIRL (24). She yells across the street:JULESStop having sex with babies!GRAYSON(calmly to girl)That’s my new friend.INT. JULES’ HOUSE - CONTINUOUSJules enters to a ringing phone. She answers it.INT. ELLE’S DEN - CONTINUOUSElle sits on the phone, by a Scrabble board. WE INTERCUT.ELLEI can’t believe you stood me up.I’m so pissed at you--JULESSorry, sorry, I totally forgot.I’ll be right over.Jules hangs up and rushes upstairs, then:TIME CUT TO:

21.Jules (hair up, wearing sweats) rushes downstairs and opensher front door. MATT’S there, STARTLING HER. Laurie leansout the window of A RANDOM GUY’S car:LAURIEYou left that at the bar! I’meither going home with this nicegentleman or I’m having him drop meat Dale’s. I haven’t decided yet.JULESNot Dale’s!They DRIVE OFF. Jules looks at Matt for a beat, then:JULES (CONT’D)This is so awkward I feel like myface might explode.MATTMay I come in?JULESUh... sure, okay, yeah.As he enters, she frantically lets her hair down and shakesit out, sexy. It doesn’t work. Then, re: her hair:JULES (CONT’D)That didn’t work. Can I get you asnack? That’s what I do for myson’s friends, I get them snacks.Do you like crackers with peanutbutter on them?MATTI’m okay. I hope it’s not tooforward - coming over here.JULES(turns away)Look, Matt, you’re a good kid, butthis isn’t really how I roll--(he kisses her neck)Oh my god, that’s a neck kiss.The phone rings, snapping Jules out of her bliss:INT. ELLE’S DEN - SAME TIMEElle is on the phone. From now on WE INTERCUT.ELLEWhere the hell are you?CUT TO:

22.JULES(whispering)There’s a man in my house.ELLEShould I call the police?JULESNo. I went to a bar, and-- just golook at him.Elle puts the phone down and runs out of the room.INT. ELLE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSElle enters and flicks on the lights even though Andy issleeping. He momentarily stirs.What...?ANDYElle goes to the window, LOOKS OVER AT MATT in Jules’ window,reacts and runs out without shutting off the lights.Come on!!ANDY (CONT’D)INT. ELLE’S DEN - CONTINUOUSElle runs back in and picks up the phone.ELLEGo do horrible things to that youngboy right now.JULESNo, I need time to prepare. I haveto go buy candles, I look good inflickering light. Oh my God, whatif he wants to keep the lights on??ELLEAlright, deep breath. You’re goodat sex, right?JULESI’m like a seven.ELLEI’m a nine. Now look...CUT TO:INT. JULES’ BATHROOM - MINUTES LATERAs Jules frantically gets ready we hear Elle’s speech:

23.ELLE (V.O.)...No matter how hot he is, he’sstill a man, so he’s less confidentthan you, sexually. Just takecharge of the situation the secondyou enter the room.Ready, Jules turns confidently to enter the bedroom.INT. JULES’ BEDROOM - CONTINUOUSMatt lies on the bed. The room is BRIGHT. The bathroom dooropens a crack, and ONLY JULES’ ARM COMES OUT, BLINDLYSEARCHING FOR THE DIMMER. She finds it, turns the lightsdown, then ENTERS THE ROOM, POSING CONFIDENTLY. From thebed, MATT TURNS THE LIGHTS BACK UP.MATTI want to see you.JULESHere I am.MATTWhat’s that scar from?JULESI got knifed when I was a kid.Really?MATTJULESNo, it’s from my C-section.(re: armpit)And this little fella here is askin tag -- What am I doing?Moment of truth. Jules TAKES CONTROL:JULES (CONT’D)Okay, listen up. Lights off,condom on, and put Jonathan underyour hips.Who?MATTJULESThe big pillow. No more talking.As Jules hits the lights:CUT TO:

24.INT. JULES’ DEN - LATERThe lights are dim. ANGLE ON Jules, on the couch, in heaven.JULESI feel like I can see colors again.That was amazing.REVEAL Matt next to her eating crackers with peanut butter.MATTYeah. And thanks for making these.After you offered before I couldn’tget them out of my head.JULESThree times. We had sex threetimes without you needing a nap, orpills or anything. How fun isthat?MATTPretty fun.JULESWould it be okay if I did somethingI haven’t done in years? I alwaystold my husband that I hated it,but I don’t hate it, I love it.MATTYou can do anything you want to me.Fun!JULESMATTSo what are you going to--JULESAgain, no talking.(she slides down)Just watch.Jules undoes his jeans (suggesting oral-sex). ANGLE ON door.Tad enters and reacts. Then, Jules badly covers to Tad:JULES (O.S.) (CONT’D)There he is!REVEAL Bobby is at the door, too. He calmly addresses Jules:BOBBYYou said you hated that.END OF ACT TWO

25.ACT THREEEXT. ANY RANDOM HOUSE FOR SALE - MORNINGA new day. The SAME BOY from before CASUALLY WALKS UP ANDSTEALS ANOTHER ONE OF JULES’ SEXY “FOR SALE” SIGNS.INT. JULES’ KITCHEN - MORNINGCUT TO:Jules sits, the weight of last night on her shoulders. Shecasually prepares to eat a banana. Tad enters, snatches itfrom her hand and throws it away.TADYou’re not allowed to eat thoseanymore.JULESLook, Tad, I hope you know what yousaw is very natural. You’reseventeen, of course you know that.It’s probably been done to you anumber of times. Has it? You knowwhat, that’s probably off topic.(Tad leaves)We’ll talk later.INT. COBB REALTY OFFICE - MORNINGJules enters to see Laurie.JULESWell, I may have to kill myself--Jules stops when she sees Elle (with stroller).JULES (CONT’D)Why are you here?ELLEYou never called and told me whathappened. See, I used to be yourbest friend. But now that I’mstuck at home and you blow me offto go to bars and chase men, myonly option is to come here andlisten to you share everythingabout your life with this dummy.LAURIEShe’s been here forty minutes andthat’s the nicest thing she’s said.CUT TO:

26.ELLEGo push Stan around the block,we’re having grown-up talk.LAURIEStan? Is your baby sixty?JULESLaurie, please? For me.As Laurie reacts and pushes Stan out, Jules turns to Elle:JULES (CONT’D)You’d like her if you gave her achance.Pass.ELLECUT TO:EXT. SEAHAVEN HIGH SCHOOL - DAYTad walks along, miserable. He sees BJ (and idiot friends)waiting for him.TADNot today, man. I’m warning you.BJCalm down, Cobb. I did you asolid. I walked in on my littlebrother and caught him with this.(holds up Jules’ sign)“Hi, Tad, it’s me, Mom”. She ishot. And guess what all the juniorhigh boys are doing with these?(holds up sign again)“I know, and I like it.”WE PUSH IN on Tad’s face, flushed with fury.INT. COBB REALTY OFFICE - SAME TIMEJules and Elle now sit and talk.ELLEYou know why I really came here?Remember how Andy drinks coffeelike every sip is sooo delicious?He was doing it this morning and itmade me want to murder him so Ineed you to say your thing.CUT TO:

27.JULESNo one in the world is meant foryou more than Andy and you love himwith all your heart.ELLEI know, it’s so annoying. Look, Iknow you have your own problems...EXT. SEAHAVEN HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIMESMASH CUT TO:TAD BEATS BJ WITH THE SIGN as the others watch. In betweeneach hit he says the same thing:TADYou think my mom’s hot now? Howabout now? How about now?INT. COBB REALTY OFFICE - CONTINUOUSWe rejoin their conversation.ELLE... But we had a plan. We weregoing to have stupid cookouts withour stupid husbands, take awfulvacations together. Now I’m alwaysbusy with the baby and you’re backout there in the world, which Idon’t like at all by the way... Ijust want us to still have time foreach other. I love you.JULESI love you back, but twice as much,and in a more vulnerable way. AndElle... I always have time for you.As Jules’ phone rings:INT. SEAHAVEN HIGH SCHOOL OFFICE - DAYBACK TO:CUT TO:Through glass we see THE PRINCIPAL explain what happened toJules (Tad next to her). He MIMES BEATING SOMEONE with asign. Jules and Tad exit the office. Then, all business:JULESGo get your stuff.As Tad moves off, Jules turns to see Bobby.

28.BOBBYHe does not look happy.JULESThe school called you?BOBBYWhat? No, I’m here on an unrelatedmatter. Apparently they have alandscaping position that I mightpotentially be interested in.TAD(returning)Please, Dad, cut the lawns at myschool, that’s exactly what I need!Tad storms off, then Jules gets in Bobby’s face.JULESHe was supposed to sleep at yourapartment last night. Couldn’t youcome through for me, just once?!!Jules storms off. An ADMINISTRATOR approaches Bobby:ADMINISTRATORReady, Mr. Cobb?BOBBY(unconcerned)Let’s do this.EXT. JULES’ HOUSE - MINUTES LATERTad and Jules get out of the car arguing.JULES...Look, I know you and I had a bitof an awkward moment last night.(off Tad’s look)Yeah, “awkward moment”, that’s whatI’m calling it. Still, there’snever an excuse for violence.TADJunior high boys are stealing yoursigns. Do you want to know why?!They use them to pleasurethemselves.JULES(flattered)Really?(MORE)CUT TO:

29.JULES (CONT'D)(catches herself)I mean, really?TADWhy can’t you just be a normal mom,and stop torturing me?JULES(calling after him)I’m allowed to have a life, Tad.Tad goes inside. Grayson approaches having witnessed it all.GRAYSONDon’t worry, he’ll be fine. Youknow, as long as you don’t sell myhouse in the next six years becausethanks to you, that boy’s going toneed some work. Of course, I’m notspeaking to you as his doctor. I’mspeaking as your friend. We’refriends, remember?Grayson smiles, pleased with himself. Jules walks up to him,then unexpectedly PUSHES HIM OVER. Then, from the ground:GRAYSON (CONT’D)Did that just happen?Tad, watching, yells down from the upstairs window:TADNever an excuse for violence, Mom!JULESGet back in the damn house!Tad closes the window and Jules turns to Grayson:JULES (CONT’D)You know what? I’m not going toplay the “pretend we’re friends”game with you anymore. It’s onlyfun with someone that you’reactually, maybe sort of becomingfriends with. Not with a typicaldouchebag that gets to walk awayfrom his marriage scot-free, noresponsibilities, nothing. Do youknow how scary it is being a singleforty year-old woman?GRAYSONI want to say yes.

30.JULESWhatever you do, you feel judged bythe world -- you feel judged byyourself. And deep down you knowthat even if you ever do want toget married again, it’s not goingto happen. Not when you’re fifty,your looks have faded, and youcan’t make babies anymore. So youput on a brave face and try reallyhard not to think about the factthat maybe this is all your life’sgoing to be.GRAYSON(getting up)You know, my Grandad got a chickpregnant when he was ninety.Jules pushes Grayson down again and marches back to herhouse. From the ground, Grayson turns to see Andy pushingthe stroller by, drinking coffee. They speak casually.Andy.GRAYSON (CONT’D)ANDYGrayson. She got you twice.(sips coffee, blissful)Ohhh, lord, that’s good coffee.CUT TO:INT. EMPTY WATER FRONT HOUSE (FOR SALE) - DAYBarbara (dressed conservative) stands with Laurie and Julesas the same clients from before walk around. Then, sotto:JULESI think they’re going to buy.Thank God waterfront property isrecession proof.BARBARANo shit. I need the cash to get myface done.(pulls back face)How does this look?JULESLike you’re sky diving.LAURIEYou know, it was easy pushing yourscary friend’s baby around. Maybeif Dale and I squirted out a kid,we’d get along better.(MORE)

31.LAURIE (CONT'D)(Jules pulls her outside)How come we always have to gooutside when I’m in trouble?EXT. EMPTY WATER FRONT HOUSE (FOR SALE) - CONTINUOUSJules pulls her outside and turns, walking backwards.JULESI won’t let you fall into the sametrap I did. Kids don’t fix things--She FALLS into the same bush AGAIN.LAURIEYou never learn, do you?JULES(face down in bush)Shut up.Jules looks up from the bush to see THE SAME BOY from before,STEALING JULES’ SIGN. They lock eyes, then:Get him!JULES (CONT’D)The kid runs off.EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUSThe kid rounds a corner, terrified. Jules and Laurie follow,NOW CARRYING THEIR SHOES. They chase him through bushes andacross backyards. The boy tries to climb over a fence butJULES JUMPS AND GRABS HIS FOOT. The boy panics, drops thesign and flops over. Out of breath, Jules and Laurie watchhim sprint into a nearby house.As Jules reacts:LAURIEWe got the sign back. It’s over.INT. KID’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATERCUT TO:The doorbell rings over and over. A MOM opens the door toREVEAL a very dishevelled Jules and Laurie.JULESMay I talk to your son?CUT TO:

32.INT. HALLWAY/KID’S ROOM - A MINUTE LATERAs the Mom opens the door:MOMRobbie, someone wants to talk toyou.The door opens to REVEAL Robbie, in his boxers, his roomcovered with Jules’ signs like an adolescent whack palace.JULESHi, Robbie. You obviously know myname, this is my co-worker, Laurie.LAURIEHey, Robbie. You’re fast.ROBBIEThis is seriously not cool.MOMHe’s never stolen things before.You know boys, his body’s goingthrough a lot of changes.MOM!ROBBIEJULESIt’s okay, I have a son of my own.ROBBIEDo you embarrass him like this?Jules looks at this mortified kid and it hits her. Hard.JULESYeah, I guess I do. Sorry, Robbie.As Jules walks out with the Mom, Laurie gathers the signsthen looks at the sad kid. She checks the door, then:LAURIEGive me your e-mail address, I’llsend you some pictures I took ofher at the beach last summer.INT. JULES’ DEN - NIGHTCUT TO:Jules sits, thinking. Tad comes downstairs, heading out.

33.JULESHey, before you go, I want you toknow the other night was a one timedeal. The last thing I want to dois have my life make your life anymore difficult. I promise.TAD(relieved)Thank you.(a beat, then)Ryan’s picking me up.JULES(as he kisses her)Remember, if there’s any drinkingand driving--TADPenis picture, I got it, Mom.And he’s gone. Jules pours two glasses of wine again. Shelooks out the side window to see Elle and Andy dancing intheir living room, a living image of what she doesn’t have.Jules sits down on her couch, again alone in her den.EXT. JULES’ HOUSE - MOMENTS LATERCUT TO:Tad stands on the curb waiting. Grayson gets his mail.Ryan pulls up.TADI’m waiting for a buddy.GRAYSONThat’s exciting news. Looks likeyour mom’s got a fun night ahead,too.TAD(looks in)Yeah, whatever.GRAYSONMay I tell you something I pickedup on in your sessions? You’re aselfish little shit.(off Tad’s look)Sucks to hear, but you know it’strue. I mean, come on, does shereally look like she’s enjoying herlife? Still, she’s doing what youwant, isn’t she? So I supposethat’s nice.

34.GRAYSON (CONT’D)Good night, Tad.TADYou’re an asshole.GRAYSONI know. I’m okay with it.As Grayson walks off, Tad gets in Ryan’s car, lost inthought. We see his POV of his mom alone. WE END ON TAD’SFACE RACKED WITH GUILT. He knows he’s a JERK.INT. JULES’ DEN - CONTINUOUSJules casually looks out the window to see that Tad is gone.MATT STEPS OUT.JULESHe’s gone.JULES (CONT’D)Take the wine upstairs and getundressed. I’ll make sure the dooris locked.Matt starts off, then stops.MATTDo you want the lights on or off?JULESNo lights, I bought candles. AndMatthew, no more talking.As WE GO CLOSE ON Jules’ hand locking the front door:END OF SHOW