are th<strong>in</strong>gs she’s supposed to be th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g and feel<strong>in</strong>g:betrayal, anger, sadness—but it’s like she’s just watch<strong>in</strong>gherself, th<strong>in</strong>k<strong>in</strong>g, hey, you stupid boy-look<strong>in</strong>g girl, whyaren’t you hav<strong>in</strong>g any feel<strong>in</strong>gs?It’s a familiar sense of removal that has bothered thehell out of every partner she’s ever had. I’m sorry, shealways th<strong>in</strong>ks, I learned to police myself pretty fiercely whenI was a t<strong>in</strong>y little baby, <strong>in</strong>ternaliz<strong>in</strong>g social norms and try<strong>in</strong>gto keep myself safe from them at the same time. I’m prettyastute with the keep<strong>in</strong>g myself safe.Steph is star<strong>in</strong>g at Maria, Maria is star<strong>in</strong>g at her plate,Steph takes a sip from her mimosa, Maria sips from herown, and then Maria is tear<strong>in</strong>g up, which is new. It’s aboutself-pity, though, not about car<strong>in</strong>g about Steph cheat<strong>in</strong>g.She could give a fuck who her girlfriend fucks. It’s herselfshe’s sad about. Mopey ol’ lonely Maria, the little kid withthe bags under her eyes, the lonesome romantic bike fucker,the girl who likes books better than people. It’s an easyautomatic go-to to characterize th<strong>in</strong>gs as bor<strong>in</strong>g but it isbor<strong>in</strong>g to have the same exact th<strong>in</strong>gs come up wheneveranyth<strong>in</strong>g comes up: poor me. If she were a goth she’d tellyou about how broken she is, but s<strong>in</strong>ce she’s an <strong>in</strong>die-punkdiy book snob, like, here we are.A tear drips down her nose and then that’s it. She wipesher eye near the tear duct, where there isn’t any eyel<strong>in</strong>er,and asks, Okay, so what do we do?What do you mean, Steph says.I mean, you boned Kieran, Maria says, enjoy<strong>in</strong>g Steph’sfl<strong>in</strong>ch.Yeah, Steph says.Well, do you want to date Kieran? Do you want to be withme? Do we work <strong>this</strong> out between us?You’re so weird, Steph mutters loudly enough that Mariais probably supposed to hear it.IMOGEN BINNIE 9
I’m so weird?You’re so weird! she says aga<strong>in</strong>, louder. Are you upset?I know, oh, you don’t have access to your feel<strong>in</strong>gs, you’reall shut down, if you were a goth you’d say you’re broken—Iknow you, Maria, but it still freaks me out, the way you dealwith th<strong>in</strong>gs.So you’re mad at me, Maria asks.I am mad at you! I’m sorry I fucked Kieran but it wouldbe nice if I could get a response to that. It would be nice ifI felt like you cared at all.Cool, Maria says, You fucked Kieran and you’re mad atme about it.She l<strong>in</strong>es up five black beans <strong>in</strong> a row on her fork andputs them <strong>in</strong> her mouth. That waiter was def<strong>in</strong>itely <strong>in</strong> Irishhistory. He’s sitt<strong>in</strong>g at a table across the restaurant, fold<strong>in</strong>gforks and knives <strong>in</strong>to paper napk<strong>in</strong>s.Steph is cry<strong>in</strong>g and Maria is eat<strong>in</strong>g. Calm.10 NEVADA
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