Subspace, Sub-drop and Aftercare - Different Strokes

feelings. Several of the things in the Aftercare kit are meant tohelp you establish that connection. A notebook to write yourfeelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they arelong distance), a letter from your partner telling you how theyfeel about you and perhaps even a voice recording. Call upsome friends and get out, if you have lifestyle friends they toocan help you recover from sub-drop.AftercareThe BDSM community combats drop by teaching people howto land gently, and by being prepared to assist others whomthey play with to gently transition from flying to being "on theground". We call this "aftercare". It is important to not onlyknow that one might need it, but also to know that it issomething that one may want (and need) to negotiatereceiving after playing.What exactly is aftercare?In the context of the sexual practice of BDSM, aftercare is theprocess of attending to one another after intense feelings ofa physical or psychological nature relating to BDSM activities.Aftercare has a way of emotionally bonding people,validating the experience that the two just shared.Aftercare is the negotiated time after a scene or play timewhere you recover and take care of each other’s needs. Thisis also a time to reconnect to reality and re-establish rolesoutside the scene. Some scenes are very intense emotionallyand psychologically and the Dominant may need to help thesubmissive unwind and recover.Aftercare is an important part of recovery from play for manypeople. It is most common to experience a drop in emotionsand energy after play from within hours to even days later. Alltoo often it becomes a necessity to take care of yourself aftera play session because your Top was just visiting or the playparty is over. Even after a few days you may need to carryout some aftercare. Knowing what to do can preventphysical and emotional struggles.BDSM experiences can be exhausting; and drain theparticipants of mental, emotional or physical energy. As aresult, one or all participants may require emotional support,comfort, reassurance, and/or physical tenderness. Along withthis, he or she may experience everything fromexhilaration to traumatization. Aftercare also may include areview or “debriefing” of the activities from experiences ofboth the Dominant and the submissive.Aftercare is an elusive beast. Sometimes it is needed andsometimes the submissive would rather be left alone in orderto process the experience. While the desire to be left alonecould stem from just needing rest, it could also result from nolonger feeling safe in the current environment or situation. Asubmissive will never be very sure which mood they’ll be inwhen they begin playing but aftercare should always be onstandby because they take what happens in scene veryseriously. It goes with their very emotional self.People require emotional validation. Period! Maybe theperson who just had a BDSM experience with you is currentlyexploring a new sexual freedom, but is still having issuesaccepting their new-found awesomeness. Perhaps theperson you just ‘played” with did something completely newto him/her that you were unaware of. These people needaftercare. Need something reassuring; need to know thatwanting to have an experience and wanting to explore ismore than okay. These individuals need to know that even ifthis experience will never happen again, that they arerespected as people. And honestly, everyone needs to knowthat.It is not good for the submissive to be in a situation where theyfeel simply discarded after a sexual experience, left waitingfor the motion to come over and cuddle for a bit, or a simplekiss goodbye, only to receive nothing whatsoever. They havejust given their “play partner” something of themselves; havethrown themselves into the act, joyfully and uninhibitedly. Thesubmissive will feel completely and utterly rejected, used, andtossed aside when a partner refuses to acknowledge him/herin any affectionate way once the “play” was over.Acknowledgment of the event is key! Pretending it didn’thappen and standing awkwardly, looking embarrassed andashamed of what just happened is no way to send someoneon his/her way.It is often thought in a submissive/Dominant relationship onlythe submissive requires aftercare following BDSM activities,which is flawed in my opinion. A Dominant may require less,just as much or more aftercare depending on the scene,person, experience level, and other factors. The role ofsubmissive or Dominant is unrelated to the amount ofaftercare someone needs and should not be thought of as ametric in this regard. Aftercare is in fact the care given to allindividuals in the scene once it is over. It is not limited toimmediately after the play is over, but can last hours, days orweeks later. Oftentimes it involves reaffirming each other thateverything is well, getting some food and water and takingcare of possible wounds and bruises. Later, aftercare mayinvolve comforting words while distressed, calming confusionor showing love and affection.Does the Dominant need aftercare? Perhaps. Ask them whatyou can do for them after a scene has taken place.Negotiate it beforehand if possible. Dominants might noteven know that they too might need some relaxation andcomfort. In the least you can offer to massage their achingshoulders or hands. They’ve worked hard to give you whatyou want or need and they will have to recover themselves.In long distance relationships, a potentially useful practicewhen engaged in remote BDSM activities is to facilitateaftercare by the exchange of emotionally significant itemswhich can be clung to for reassurance, though success of thisdepends on both parties' level of emotional investment in therelationship.Aftercare is an often forgotten part of the negotiation processand there are many BDSM practitioners that do not performaftercare after a scene, believing that it is the personalresponsibility of the parties involved to take care of theirneeds after play. It is also less common for aftercare tohappen when playing in a casual once only sort of eventsuch as a play party. This is because the Dominant andsubmissive are there for selfish reasons and not for a dance ofpower between a well-connected relationship.Common aftercare practices may include hugging, kissing,hair-stroking, cuddling, words of praise or gratitude, orgeneral affirmation of an emotional bond between partners.Occasionally, more "vanilla" sexual activities such asintercourse or oral sex following an intense scene may also beconsidered as part of aftercare.It is important in choosing “play partners”, be they long-term,short-term, or casual, who understand and share thesubmissives’ needs. Showing people that you value them andwhat you’ve just done together is incredibly rewarding.Aftercare does not have to be extensive. Little things havehuge impact and can mean a lot to someone. Just applyaftercare as you would like to receive it, and you’ll alwaysleave someone feeling positive about the experience youshared together.Aftercare: Public vs private playAs a general rule, play in a public dungeon tends to be lessintense than private play. This is especially true if the play iscasual (established during the party, rather than betweenexisting partners). Even existing partners will often fail to push