feelings. Several of the things in the <strong>Aftercare</strong> kit are meant tohelp you establish that connection. A notebook to write yourfeelings down, a phone card to call your partner (if they arelong distance), a letter from your partner telling you how theyfeel about you <strong>and</strong> perhaps even a voice recording. Call upsome friends <strong>and</strong> get out, if you have lifestyle friends they toocan help you recover from sub-<strong>drop</strong>.<strong>Aftercare</strong>The BDSM community combats <strong>drop</strong> by teaching people howto l<strong>and</strong> gently, <strong>and</strong> by being prepared to assist others whomthey play with to gently transition from flying to being "on theground". We call this "aftercare". It is important to not onlyknow that one might need it, but also to know that it issomething that one may want (<strong>and</strong> need) to negotiatereceiving after playing.What exactly is aftercare?In the context of the sexual practice of BDSM, aftercare is theprocess of attending to one another after intense feelings ofa physical or psychological nature relating to BDSM activities.<strong>Aftercare</strong> has a way of emotionally bonding people,validating the experience that the two just shared.<strong>Aftercare</strong> is the negotiated time after a scene or play timewhere you recover <strong>and</strong> take care of each other’s needs. Thisis also a time to reconnect to reality <strong>and</strong> re-establish rolesoutside the scene. Some scenes are very intense emotionally<strong>and</strong> psychologically <strong>and</strong> the Dominant may need to help thesubmissive unwind <strong>and</strong> recover.<strong>Aftercare</strong> is an important part of recovery from play for manypeople. It is most common to experience a <strong>drop</strong> in emotions<strong>and</strong> energy after play from within hours to even days later. Alltoo often it becomes a necessity to take care of yourself aftera play session because your Top was just visiting or the playparty is over. Even after a few days you may need to carryout some aftercare. Knowing what to do can preventphysical <strong>and</strong> emotional struggles.BDSM experiences can be exhausting; <strong>and</strong> drain theparticipants of mental, emotional or physical energy. As aresult, one or all participants may require emotional support,comfort, reassurance, <strong>and</strong>/or physical tenderness. Along withthis, he or she may experience everything fromexhilaration to traumatization. <strong>Aftercare</strong> also may include areview or “debriefing” of the activities from experiences ofboth the Dominant <strong>and</strong> the submissive.<strong>Aftercare</strong> is an elusive beast. Sometimes it is needed <strong>and</strong>sometimes the submissive would rather be left alone in orderto process the experience. While the desire to be left alonecould stem from just needing rest, it could also result from nolonger feeling safe in the current environment or situation. Asubmissive will never be very sure which mood they’ll be inwhen they begin playing but aftercare should always be onst<strong>and</strong>by because they take what happens in scene veryseriously. It goes with their very emotional self.People require emotional validation. Period! Maybe theperson who just had a BDSM experience with you is currentlyexploring a new sexual freedom, but is still having issuesaccepting their new-found awesomeness. Perhaps theperson you just ‘played” with did something completely newto him/her that you were unaware of. These people needaftercare. Need something reassuring; need to know thatwanting to have an experience <strong>and</strong> wanting to explore ismore than okay. These individuals need to know that even ifthis experience will never happen again, that they arerespected as people. And honestly, everyone needs to knowthat.It is not good for the submissive to be in a situation where theyfeel simply discarded after a sexual experience, left waitingfor the motion to come over <strong>and</strong> cuddle for a bit, or a simplekiss goodbye, only to receive nothing whatsoever. They havejust given their “play partner” something of themselves; havethrown themselves into the act, joyfully <strong>and</strong> uninhibitedly. Thesubmissive will feel completely <strong>and</strong> utterly rejected, used, <strong>and</strong>tossed aside when a partner refuses to acknowledge him/herin any affectionate way once the “play” was over.Acknowledgment of the event is key! Pretending it didn’thappen <strong>and</strong> st<strong>and</strong>ing awkwardly, looking embarrassed <strong>and</strong>ashamed of what just happened is no way to send someoneon his/her way.It is often thought in a submissive/Dominant relationship onlythe submissive requires aftercare following BDSM activities,which is flawed in my opinion. A Dominant may require less,just as much or more aftercare depending on the scene,person, experience level, <strong>and</strong> other factors. The role ofsubmissive or Dominant is unrelated to the amount ofaftercare someone needs <strong>and</strong> should not be thought of as ametric in this regard. <strong>Aftercare</strong> is in fact the care given to allindividuals in the scene once it is over. It is not limited toimmediately after the play is over, but can last hours, days orweeks later. Oftentimes it involves reaffirming each other thateverything is well, getting some food <strong>and</strong> water <strong>and</strong> takingcare of possible wounds <strong>and</strong> bruises. Later, aftercare mayinvolve comforting words while distressed, calming confusionor showing love <strong>and</strong> affection.Does the Dominant need aftercare? Perhaps. Ask them whatyou can do for them after a scene has taken place.Negotiate it beforeh<strong>and</strong> if possible. Dominants might noteven know that they too might need some relaxation <strong>and</strong>comfort. In the least you can offer to massage their achingshoulders or h<strong>and</strong>s. They’ve worked hard to give you whatyou want or need <strong>and</strong> they will have to recover themselves.In long distance relationships, a potentially useful practicewhen engaged in remote BDSM activities is to facilitateaftercare by the exchange of emotionally significant itemswhich can be clung to for reassurance, though success of thisdepends on both parties' level of emotional investment in therelationship.<strong>Aftercare</strong> is an often forgotten part of the negotiation process<strong>and</strong> there are many BDSM practitioners that do not performaftercare after a scene, believing that it is the personalresponsibility of the parties involved to take care of theirneeds after play. It is also less common for aftercare tohappen when playing in a casual once only sort of eventsuch as a play party. This is because the Dominant <strong>and</strong>submissive are there for selfish reasons <strong>and</strong> not for a dance ofpower between a well-connected relationship.Common aftercare practices may include hugging, kissing,hair-stroking, cuddling, words of praise or gratitude, orgeneral affirmation of an emotional bond between partners.Occasionally, more "vanilla" sexual activities such asintercourse or oral sex following an intense scene may also beconsidered as part of aftercare.It is important in choosing “play partners”, be they long-term,short-term, or casual, who underst<strong>and</strong> <strong>and</strong> share thesubmissives’ needs. Showing people that you value them <strong>and</strong>what you’ve just done together is incredibly rewarding.<strong>Aftercare</strong> does not have to be extensive. Little things havehuge impact <strong>and</strong> can mean a lot to someone. Just applyaftercare as you would like to receive it, <strong>and</strong> you’ll alwaysleave someone feeling positive about the experience youshared together.<strong>Aftercare</strong>: Public vs private playAs a general rule, play in a public dungeon tends to be lessintense than private play. This is especially true if the play iscasual (established during the party, rather than betweenexisting partners). Even existing partners will often fail to push
as many boundaries in public play as they will in private. Sopeople in the lifestyle who are playing privately probablyhave a greater need to establish rituals of aftercare that fittheir exact needs.In public dungeons, aftercare is usually oriented towardsrecognizing the immediate physical needs of submissives whohave been playing. Because the submissive's body has beenundergoing exertion, body temperature frequently <strong>drop</strong>ssharply after play. This may require having a blanket or a robefor warmth as the submissive can sometimes become chilly tothe point of shivering, even if fully clothed. The submissivemay feel unsteady on their feet (sometimes barely able tomove without assistance) necessitating a comfy place wherethey can sit or lie down <strong>and</strong> experience gentle contact <strong>and</strong>physical comfort for a period after play. Their cognitivefunctioning may be impaired (slow or disjointed) for a whileafter play.Food or drink after play can be important: Water or sportstypedrinks to re-hydrate, or juice to provide simple sugars.Eating some chocolate after play is recommended by some,as the opiate <strong>and</strong> cannabinoid effects of chocolate aresimilar to those of subspace, allowing a more gradualtransition, <strong>and</strong> chocolate also contains several stimulants thatcan make mental processes feel more alert.It is important to know that it is unwise to engage in heavyplay (especially as a submissive) <strong>and</strong> then drive too soonafterwards, as one might be far more "under theinfluence" due to subspace than if one were at the currentlegal limit for alcohol.General<strong>Aftercare</strong>, at its most basic, simply involves the willingness tocontinue being there with your play partner for a sufficienttime period that they can feel safe, regain their emotionalequilibrium, <strong>and</strong> no longer feel the need to cling to you. It isequally important to recognize that aftercare is for both theTop <strong>and</strong> bottom, Dominant <strong>and</strong> submissive. If either personleaves too soon, then their partner may feel ab<strong>and</strong>onment orloss far exceeding the obvious dimensions of the scene.Simply because you aren’t deeply <strong>and</strong> emotionally involvedwith someone does not mean that something deep <strong>and</strong>emotional happened during your experience together. Justbecause things are casual <strong>and</strong> you want to keep clearemotional boundaries in place doesn’t mean you shouldn’ttreat your partner with kindness <strong>and</strong> dignity! I know manyDominants that do not provide adequate, if any, aftercareunless requested. Some still will not give aftercare to a casualplay partner or a party scene. In these situations you mayneed to find someone else that is willing to provide you theaftercare you need to recover.There is no one way to provide aftercare. It is as unique as theindividual. As a submissive, you should try to learn what youneed after a scene so that you can add that to yournegotiations when you play with others. How do you know ifyou need aftercare? This is definitely subjective. How do youfeel after a play scene? Do you need a nap or some food?Do you crave some hugs <strong>and</strong> snuggles? What aboutsomeone to lotion your aching skin? Do you need a blanket<strong>and</strong> some snuggle time? Perhaps c<strong>and</strong>y <strong>and</strong> water? Whatelse might you need? Learn these things <strong>and</strong> remember toask or at least discuss them before playing.All of these things are aftercare items. Not everyone has aneed for aftercare, <strong>and</strong> some only need it occasionally. Letyour body <strong>and</strong> mind tell you what you need <strong>and</strong> make sureyou fulfil the needs if not with the Dominant you played with,then on your own.It is a good idea to have a network of kinky friends whom youcan talk to if you find that you need to. As a Top, it is oftenimportant to make sure that the submissive you play withknows how to get in contact with you, so that if they needlater reassurance, it can be provided.Continuing to help the transition, especially if going homealone after play, some people find that assembling "aftercaresupplies" helps them continue to l<strong>and</strong> gently after they arrivehome. Relaxing music, comfort objects, scented c<strong>and</strong>les,bubble baths, favourite books or movies, incense, <strong>and</strong> otherforms of self-pampering serve to continue to remind peoplethat they are special <strong>and</strong> cared for, allowing them to bask inthe gradually fading fires of their flight into subspace.<strong>Aftercare</strong>: First aid for MarksPhysically it may seem obvious that you have marks; bruising,cuts, sore muscles, etc that need continued first aid. If youhaven’t taken first aid, you should have a basic medicalprimer at home.Knowing basic first aid for bruises, cuts <strong>and</strong> abrasions isimportant to caring for your skin <strong>and</strong> muscle tissues afterintense play. There are many schools of thought on bruisecare but the best I’ve heard about is Arnica cream sold inmost pharmacies. Cool compresses will help cut downswelling. Treat cuts <strong>and</strong> abrasions with anti-bacterial <strong>and</strong>b<strong>and</strong>ages. Scar reduction creams may also be helpful if youare afraid of marks lasting longer than you’d like.So the next time you play with someone make sure younegotiate some aftercare if you need it or else you may beleft to your own devices for that. Remember that the sceneisn’t necessarily over in your mind once the play is done. Takecare of yourself.HAVE FUN! PLAY SAFE!
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