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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
At a show a few weeks ago I was thinking about the<br />
importance of blending things. What made me think<br />
about that was that even though I liked the music,<br />
I was getting sleepy. Too many synthy, electronic,<br />
snoozey songs in a row. Time to mix it up, guys, you<br />
can’t go straight up ambient, you need some dancey<br />
and singy stuff too, a good blend of old and new<br />
to keep me from tipping over. The tasty cocktails<br />
(perfectly blended) lent themselves to the near crisis I<br />
was experiencing, but there was more to it than that.<br />
When you are emerging from the cocoon of<br />
childhood, spreading your wings into the terribly<br />
confusing landscape of the preteen, you spend a lot<br />
of time wondering what you will look like when you<br />
grow up. (Or was that just me?) I spent a lot of time<br />
with my elbow on my dresser, looking into the mirror,<br />
thoughtfully staring into my own eyes, trying to<br />
imagine what I might look like at 18. I hoped I would<br />
not have the same eyebrows and would retain my<br />
baby smooth skin.<br />
Now, before you think I am vain, I have to tell you<br />
that these stare-downs I had with myself were<br />
precipitated by a comment made by my 17-year-old<br />
camp counselor, John, whom I had a gigantic crush<br />
on. You see, I thought John might have loved me, as<br />
he spent so much time in the Camp Arrowhead pool<br />
playing Shark or Marco Polo with me and the other<br />
kids. Although he never gave any indication of this,<br />
I was sure he was there for me. Turns out, that was<br />
just his job. So when I saw him hand-in-hand with<br />
the new counselor who was on her summer break<br />
from college, I was devastated.<br />
Being the sensitive guy he was, John tried to<br />
console me at the snack bar. He did this by letting<br />
me know, “You’ll be a real fox when you’re 18.”<br />
Then he winked. I figured that the moment I turned<br />
18, John would be available for more winking,<br />
provided I turned out like a fox. This is when my<br />
mirror obsession began, and the rest of the summer<br />
I was torn between pining for my 18-year-old self<br />
and sneaking out to play Barbies with my best friend<br />
Susan. It was a confusing time, to say the least.<br />
38 JAVA<br />
MAGAZINE
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