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My mom took a breath, and I closed my eyes before she could say a word. It didn’t stop her. “I don’t think it’s wise, Ethan. I don’t think it’s safe,<br />
and I don’t think you should be going. No matter what your Aunt Prue says.” Her voice wavered.<br />
“Mom.”<br />
“You’re only seventeen.”<br />
“Actually, I’m not. What I am now is nothing.” I looked up at her. “And I hate to break it to you, but it’s a little late for that speech. You have to admit<br />
that safety might not be my biggest concern at the moment. Now that I’m dead and everything.”<br />
“Well, if you say it like that.” She sighed and sat down on the floor next to me.<br />
“How do you want me to say it?”<br />
“I don’t know. Passed on?” She tried not to smile.<br />
I half-smiled back. “Sorry. Passed on.” She was right. Folks didn’t like saying dead, not where we were from. It was impolite. As if saying it<br />
somehow made it true. As if words themselves were more powerful than anything that could actually happen to you.<br />
Maybe they were.<br />
After all, that’s what I had to do now, wasn’t it? Destroy the words on a page in some book in a library that had changed my Mortal destiny. Was it<br />
really so far-fetched to think that words had a way of shaping a person’s whole life?<br />
“You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, sweetheart. Maybe if I had figured it out for myself, before all this, you wouldn’t even be here.<br />
There wouldn’t have been a car accident, and there wouldn’t have been a water tower—” She stopped.<br />
“You can’t keep things from happening to me, Mom. Not even these things.” I leaned my head back along the edge of the couch. “Not even<br />
messed-up things.”<br />
“What if I want to?”<br />
“You can’t. It’s my life, or whatever this is.” I turned to look at her.<br />
She leaned her head on my shoulder, holding the side of my face close with her hand. Something she hadn’t done since I was a kid. “It’s your life.<br />
You’re right about that. And I can’t make a decision like this for you, however much I want to. Which is very, very much.”<br />
“I kind of figured that part out.”<br />
She smiled sadly. “I just got you back. I don’t want to lose you again.”<br />
“I know. I don’t want to leave you either.”<br />
Side by side, we stared at the Christmas town, maybe for the last time. I put the car back where it belonged.<br />
I knew then that we would never have another Christmas together, no matter what happened. I would stay or I would go—but either way, I would<br />
move on to somewhere that wasn’t here. Things couldn’t be like this forever, not even in this Gatlin-that-wasn’t-Gatlin. Whether I was able to get my<br />
life back or not.<br />
Things changed.<br />
Then they changed again.<br />
Life was like that, and even death, I guess.<br />
I couldn’t be with both my mom and Lena, not in what was left of one lifetime. They would never meet, though I had already told them everything<br />
there was to tell about the other. Since I got here, my mom had me describe every charm on Lena’s necklace. Every line of every poem she’d ever<br />
written. Every story about the smallest things that had happened to us, things I didn’t even know I remembered.<br />
Still, it wasn’t the same as being a family, or whatever we could have been.<br />
Lena and my mom and me.<br />
They would never laugh about me or keep a secret from me or even fight about me. My mom and Lena were the two most important people in my<br />
life, or afterlife, and I could never have both of them together.<br />
That’s what I was thinking when I closed my eyes. When I opened them, my mom was gone—as if she’d known I couldn’t leave her. As if she’d<br />
known I wouldn’t be able to walk away.<br />
Truthfully, I didn’t know if I could have done it, myself.<br />
Now I’d never find out.<br />
Maybe it was better that way.<br />
I pocketed the two stones and made my way down the front steps, closing the door carefully behind me. The smell of fried tomatoes came wafting<br />
out the door as it shut.<br />
I didn’t say good-bye. I had a feeling we’d see each other again. Someday, somehow.<br />
Aside from that, there wasn’t anything I could tell my mom that she didn’t already know. And no way to say it and still walk out the door.<br />
She knew I loved her. She knew I had to go. At the end of the day, there wasn’t much more to say.<br />
I don’t know if she watched me go.<br />
I told myself she did.<br />
I hoped she didn’t.