Ventus by Karl Schroeder

Karl Schroeder / Ventus / Page 576
intent in mid-step.
Finally I decided to boot the model and leave it running
continuously. Then, when I lay down to "sleep", I discovered
that these emotions continued to react to my thoughts in the
absence of other stimulation. So I began shutting off my
thoughts as I "slept".
I know Calandria May’s resourcefulness well. I did not
let myself become injured or sick through all of this. I coped.
I was, of course, searching for a way to escape. Gradually, it
dawned on me that there might not be one.
Now you must understand the position in which I found
myself. As a ship, I am sentient when I need to be sentient,
and simply a physical body the rest of the time. I think as I
need to think, and no more. Diadem is a complex place. I
could not walk its halls without being alert. At the same time, I
could not curl up and pretend to sleep, for the Winds would see
through my deception if I slept more than a night. I could not
pretend to die; they would try to recycle my remains. And I
could not really die, for I had no assurance that my captain’s
insurance claim would proceed without my testimony.
So I must walk, and think. I must ensure that I would not
stop doing that, until I had found a way to escape. It was a
simple matter to issue the commands to myself, but I did not
realize what the result would be. Perhaps you guess.
There came a day when I fell upon my knees and begged
the Winds to kill me, and I would have revealed my true nature
to do that had I not commanded myself not to and then
removed my ability to rescind the command. I was alone,
trapped here perhaps for eternity, with my own thoughts. How
I wanted to stop thinking! But my emotions continued to
evolve as well, and they commanded me to exist! persist! and
to think.