Java.March.2017

I was concerned that I had spent so much time
thinking about the injury of a projectile that
I was now tempting fate from said projectile
gods. In fact, I was so scared that I almost didn’t
tell you about it, in case the universal overseer of
flying things could hear me or read my thoughts.
week, Liv, Zara’s mom, had shooshed a bat away from the yard, afraid it would
roost in one of their hollow trees. Liv sensed that the bat was not happy with this
and was out for revenge. The more she thought about the bat doing cruel and
creepy things—like getting its little claws caught in her hair or taking a bath in
the toilet—the more she was sure it would happen. The bat sensed it. She kept a
vigilant look over her shoulder and made sure to close the door.
Her children, Zara included, mocked poor Liv. So, maybe their insolence provoked
the bat even further. That night when Liv came home from work, she heard a little
cheeping sound in the bedroom. When she peeked in, the bat was in the corner.
But it wasn’t flying or roosting or doing bat things, it was just standing there.
Liv freaks out and closes the door screaming and trying to figure out what to do.
Zara, her sister and brother run into the living room while their mom is pointing
at the door yelling “Bat! Bat!” Now, Liv has been known to have a few cocktails,
but it was a little too early for the bat apparition to be blamed on booze. Still,
Zara reassured her mom the bat was not in there. It was all in her mind. This is
when the scritchy scratchy noise started.
A bat’s claws will not make a sound on fluffy carpet, which was exactly the
flooring situation at Zara’s. But they will scritch-scratch when they are clawing
the door. Especially when they are doing a smooth pancake breakdance move
to sneak out from under the door. This is what the Stone family told me. They
all swore that they saw the bat slide under the door and walk out into the living
room. Once he made it out from under the door, he had an attitude. He had a
Frankenstein-ish walk, with his wings out, and he kind of dipped from side to
side, almost as if he were tip-toeing.
It sounds unbelievable. But they swear it’s true. In fact, they all swore separately
and independently. We were in seventh grade, so you know I made them swear
all over the place, on everyone’s life, grave and future lives. I believe it. That bat
knew what he was doing. And I’m not just saying that in case the bat hears about
this. But if he did, I’d want him to know. (I did not laugh once at the part where
he slid under the door.)
So remember to think nice thoughts about your animal friends. And wear eye
protection when mowing the lawn. I’ll see you around—hopefully with both eyes.