FINAL MAG

SPRING 2017 THE TROMBONIST
President’s Problems
Dear President,
I have recently been offered a show in London’s glittering
West End playing mostly pop music in a small horn section.
The trouble is my experience in playing light music only
extends as far as Eric Coates. Will I be ‘found out’ in the
first rehearsal and what steps can I take to befriend my
colleagues?
Yours legitimately
Norma Butcher
Dear Norma,
As a fellow ‘pretender’, albeit musically vice versa, I offer
this advice.
1) It is your responsibility to keep time, not the drummer’s
and certainly not the MD’s. (they will almost definitely be
as unqualified as you are)
2) What is written in the part will probably be wholly
inaccurate and is to be treated as a guide. Do not play
written rhythms and note lengths literally. You should
have a comprehensive knowledge of the styles of Tower of
Power, James Brown, Chicago, Earth Wind and Fire,
Blood Sweat and Tears etc. It will also help if you have a
few years’ experience of playing in a big band. It would
help to familiarise yourself with Count Basie, Duke
Ellington, Terry Gibbs, Woody Herman, Thad Jones/Mel
Lewis, Bob Mintzer, Harry Connick Jnr etc.
3) Take the correct equipment. All mutes should be white/red
or made of metal. Certainly not wooden, worse still
plastic or cardboard. Your trombone will not have
mouthpieces made for it featuring a number smaller than
a 7 and you will have to play low Cs in 6th (no plug)
4) Do not ask the trumpet player “...is that long or short?”
LISTEN !!!!
5) Despite the MD (incorrectly) asking for accented
crotchets to be longer than accented quavers.... smile
politely but ignore them. NEVER follow the singer (you’ll
note Andrew Lloyd Weber was not included in point 2)
6) There is no such thing as “Broadway” swing. It either
does or it doesn’t.
7) It is sometimes acceptable to stop the note with the
tongue. It is sometimes acceptable to stop the note with
the tongue. It is sometimes acceptable to stop the note
with the tongue!
8) If you deputise the show (and you should at every
opportunity), pay up within 7 days. I hope this helps
with getting you started and best of luck! When’s your first
rehearsal?
PS If you need a dep...
Dear Plesident
After a ten-year hiatus from trombone playing, I have
returned to find in my local music shop that most
instruments are in fact now made of gaudy coloured plastic.
Despite my concerns about what image these novelties
portray to serious concert goers, I also worry about the
environment and so am working on a more ecologically
friendly instrument constructed entirely from bamboo. Using
an old Chinese method of weaving, I have the bell shape
finished but am having trouble in lubricating the not-sostraight
slide branches. Any advice?
P. Bon Chung
Dear Mr Chung
I too have worried, what with all the latest trends for “whole
class learning” schemes, what will become of all these
instruments. It sounds like you’ve really hit on something
with your bamboo trombone design though. I’m all up for
new organic solutions to problems that don’t really exist.
My young son came home from school professing to have
made an iPod in class. It turns out the “device” was made
from Balsa wood and so the operating system had some
flaws but it did float…something Apple can’t claim to have
achieved. Perhaps if you stick with natural ingredients and
try using sesame oil or a blend of rice vinegar, minced garlic,
soy sauce and cilantro you could do the gig and then feast on
the instrument afterwards…… I think it just might float, too.
Dear President,
We are five female trombonists studying “The positions women
held in 19th Century popular music” at Kings College
Cambridge. We have started a quintet specialising in the
repertoire of the Parisian Music hall trombonist Marguerite
Dufay. We are struggling to come up with a name for our
ensemble as it seems most of the “Bone……” references have
already been used. Do you or your readership have any ideas?
Tabitha,
Arabella,
Rowena,
Talulah,
Sabrina
Dear Ladies,
Yes, I do believe the “Bone…..” tag has been slightly
overdone of late. With the “French connection” (has that
been used by anybody?) might I suggest referring to the word
“sacqueboute”. Perhaps you could call yourselves “Push
me, Pull me”, does that work for you? Well, it’s a tricky one
but if all else fails you could resort to using your initials…
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