LOVE IS BLIND

guylane.com
Classic Martian Cat Attack
As it wakes, what remains of the cat’s functioning sensory
capabilities absorbs information from the environment, and its addled
brain draws some alarming conclusions. First, the cat concludes that
it’s prime adversary in life – the Mars Plumber – is in dangerously
close proximity; and second, its only friend in the entire Universe –
Charlie Darling – is experiencing extreme distress. On the strength of
these two realisations, the cat goes further assume that these elements
are connected; and it draws a stunning, third conclusion: the Mars
Plumber is kicking the shit out of Charlie.
Now, it takes the Martian Cat some time to put all this together
because it is pretty much deaf in both ears; it has cataracts in its eyes;
and its whiskers – the few that remain properly attached to its face –
don’t provide any useful sensory information, apart from when it
bumps into things, head-first. Furthermore, the emaciated feline’s
green tongue has barely any sense of taste, and its nostrils are pretty
much constantly clogged with dried snot. So, getting useful data from
the environment is hard.
Fortunately, millions of years of natural selection, have helped cats
to evolve brains that are hugely successful at making sense of the
most marginal amounts of information – excellent for creeping
around at night quietly, for example. So, even though the Martian Cat
makes a wet-gurgling noise when it inhales through its nose, and can
barely see through its cataracts, it is nonetheless able to sense the
proximity of the Mars Plumber and that its only friend in the world is
getting the shit kicked out of him.
Suddenly, the Martian Cat becomes fully alert – or at least what
passes for fully alert, given its blighted capabilities for sensing, and
figuring shit out. Instantly, it leaps to what remains of its feet, with
what’s left of its hair sticking up from its scab-ridden spine. Every
sense in the decrepit animal’s body is alerted to danger, as it
desperately tries to figure out where its enemy is. It processes the
milky shadows moving through its cataract-ridden eyes, until it
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