Typewriter Emergencies May 2017

make a growling sound. He charged her
like a dinosaur, flat feet making light
thumping noises on the kitchen counter.
Lisa didn't feel the slightest inclination
of fight or flight. In fact, she smirked.
Larry awkwardly pounced on her and
sank his teeth into her skin.
Lisa just now noticed he had a
mouthful of tiny, plastic teeth as well.
They pricked her. She yelped, lifted her
hand and backed away from the kitchen
counter. She shook Larry off and the
lizard plopped onto the counter. Larry's
plastic teeth and claws fell off. Most of
the paper ridges on his back also peeled
off, leaving him tangled up in tape now.
He scampered on all fours behind the
sugar canister.
Lisa looked down at her hand. A small,
plastic tooth stuck out of it. She brushed
it off, sighed, and looked around her.
"Playtime's over, kids," Lisa said to the
house. "Who started this? Who put you
up to this?"
She waited. No answer came, but she
thought she heard cat laughter from the
living room.
"I have a hunch," she shouted. "Any of
you want to own up to it now, or do I
have to find out for myself?"
No answer, but more cat laughter.
She even heard lizard snickering from
behind the sugar.
"All right then, I'm turning on the TV."
She walked out of the kitchen,
stepped over the busted bags of groceries,
and stopped at the couch. She found
the remote on the coffee table, bent over
to pick it up and heard a splash from the
fish tank. She looked up just in time to
see a goldfish with large plastic teeth
sailing through the air right for her face.
Lisa inhaled to scream, but the fish landed
square on her nose and latched on.
Six more fish flew out of the water and
landed on Lisa's face. The impact was
like a hail of golf balls. Lisa careened
backwards and landed flat on the carpet,
head just missing the coffee table.
The fish chewed on her. It didn't
hurt, but it was unexpected. Lisa flailed
about, then realized she wasn't in pain,
and her fish were actually the ones in
trouble. She regained her composure,
rose to her feet and stood up. The fish
were still latched onto her, still chewing
but not even coming close to breaking
the skin.
She walked to the tank, plucked the
fish off her face one by one, and dropped
them back in the water. Plastic strawteeth
popped from their open mouths
and drifted to the bottom. Lisa flicked
the pieces of fake teeth off her skin,
sat on the couch, picked up the remote
again, and hit the power button.
She turned on the DVR. She navigated
to the programming history. In the
background she heard the cats snickering,
the fish laughing, dog tails thumping
against the carpet, and the gecko
trying to hold it in. Lisa read the list of
TV shows aloud.
"Wolves at Our Door. Smilodon: the
Saber-toothed Cat. Walking With Dinosaurs.
And River Monsters: Piranha."
The house itself seemed to be laughing
behind her back. Lisa set the remote
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