TWINS - February 2018

ering each of your children’s general attitudes about
themselves. You can usually do this by watching for
three specific behavior patterns:
• How she ‘walks through her world’
• What she says about herself
• How she interacts with others
How she ‘walks through her world’ — As a therapist,
I learn a great deal about a child’s self-confidence by
watching her enter the play therapy room, or ‘walk
through her world.’ Of course, if it’s her first visit, she will
be somewhat cautious as she enters, which is appropriate.
Even the most self-confident people need to be
cautious when they enter new situations; they need to
be prepared to protect themselves if necessary.
However, despite her caution, the self-confident child
walks directly into the room rather than lingering in the
hall, peeking in or resisting being brought in. She looks
around her to see where she is and to find out what is in
the room. If she sees something that she finds interesting,
she moves nearer to it to view it more closely. She
also stands straight rather than hunched in on herself.
She makes no attempt to hide behind or under furniture,
though she may stay fairly close to the wall or immediately
sit in a chair. She walks looks and behaves like
someone who feels OK about herself.
What she says about herself — A younger unconfident
child is often quite straightforward about describing
how she feels about herself. She is likely to say things
such as, “Oh! I’m always flubbing things up,” “I’m such a
dummy because I only got 75% on my spelling test” or
“They won’t want me to go. I can’t swim very well, and
they know it.”
By the middle years, though, especially the later
middle years, the unconfident child may have stopped
saying these things out loud, even though she still feels
them inside. A middle-years child is more likely to say,
“Everyone always accuses me of flubbing up,” “Spelling
tests are stupid; no one needs to know all those words
anyway” or “I hate swimming, so I don’t want to go.”
How she interacts with others — A self-confident child
can play happily with other children at least some of the
time. She can, most of the time, resist pressure to do
things she knows are wrong, and she can often defend
herself and others against bullying. Her relationships
are not necessarily always happy; she can get angry and
fight when she feels put upon.
Even if her personality is more retiring and she tends
to follow rather than lead, she will not usually follow
others into trouble or be led to be “bad”. She may enjoy
A TWINS Magazine
solitary activities, but she will have close friends and
enjoy spending time with them. She does not act upset
if left out of an activity, though she may need some help
in restoring relationships every now and then.
THE EBB AND FLOW OF SELF-CONFIDENCE
It is important to remember that just as your own level
of self-confidence may vary depending upon your mood
and the situation, so will each of your children’s. A child
who shows every sign of feeling OK about her own self
this week may suddenly withdraw, talk down about herself
and walk around looking unhappy next week.
Your careful and supportive questioning of your child
can often help you discover if there is a real problem
that your child feels is too difficult for her to handle;
in many cases, that feeling may be undermining her
self-confidence. In addition, a bully, an unexpected low
grade on a test, a teacher whose standards are unrealistic
for a child or a parent who is tense and irritable
because of problems at work can temporarily affect a
child’s self-confidence. When assessing each of your
children’s level of self-confidence, consider whether your
child displays self-confidence more often than not.
THE TWIN FACTOR
As you consider the self-confidence of your middle-years
twins, you may discover that one of them displays more
self-confidence than the other. As you may have observed,
it is not uncommon for one child to assume the
leadership role in a twinship. For the most part, this kind
of difference between co-twins seems to reflect personality
differences more than it reflects their levels of
self-confidence.
However, it is possible for one twin to have developed
more self-confidence than her co-twin, perhaps
because of her leadership ability. When one twin always
leads, it is possible for her co-twin to think to herself, “I
can’t do that. It’s a good thing she can.”
If you notice that your twins’ natural leader/follower
roles are affecting their selfconfidence, it is important to
try to make some changes. For example, you may need
to create ways for the follower to have more opportunities
to lead or to have some successes on her own so
that they can’t be ascribed to her co-twin.
You may also notice that your twins have different
ways in which they express their self-confidence. Your
child who gets things accomplished quietly and steadily
may be just as confident as her co-twin who accomplishes
tasks in a loud and somewhat cocky manner. In fact,
it’s quite possible that a child’s display of cockiness may
actually be a cover-up for his lack of confidence. A
February 2018 25