Comfortable Madness second PDF 4-16-18 Corey FirstSubmission CreateSpace

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Voices and Visions Night. Everything was the color of plums. No stars. No moon. No light but for the fire at the end of my cigarette. Rain, a simple mist, and mountainous winds. Three days without sleep. Voices told me I was dying, that it would be better, less painful, if I did it myself. Dark figures reached for me like the ghosts of so many forgotten memories. I shuddered and tried not to cry. Maybe the voices were right. Maybe dying would be easier. At least then, I’d rest. But I couldn’t. Tayla would never forgive me. She’d crumble to dust. Trees at the edge of the yard held their naked hands to the sky, wooded priests singing a silent mass. A cat slinked like a thief along the fence. This early in the morning everything seemed thick and shady. The world seemed to wait for something. Tension held everything together, just barely. I waited. I waited and smoked, and I listened to the robins screaming up the day. Soon the sun would rise, and I’d see the world, hard and edgy and maybe I’d split myself open. My throat felt gritty and sour. If this was it, if I were to die right now, I knew I’d make more pain than I ended, but did it matter? Would anyone notice I was gone? 34
Sour The world was quiet, and I curled up on the couch. I must have slept. When I opened my eyes, Gid sat with me, bruising the light with his massive hands. There was no escape. “Go away.” “You need to wake up,” he said. “No.” “I’m not going to stop just because you don’t like it.” “I don’t want you here.” He stared at me with his invisible eyes. A slimy sweat broke out along my ribs. He was gone but he’d be back. He ruined everything. He soured the very air I breathed. 35
Page 3 and 4: Comfortable Madness William L. Alto
Page 5 and 6: Dedication For Lisa, who showed me
Page 7 and 8: still the only teacher who let me g
Page 9 and 10: Hush I was eighteen. I was dreaming
Page 11 and 12: Lines Mornings sucked. Anxiety pois
Page 13 and 14: In the Real World Smokers and stone
Page 15 and 16: On the Outside Narrow, gray lockers
Page 17 and 18: Everything went quiet. Even the big
Page 19 and 20: things from me. Tayla wanted courag
Page 21 and 22: He crawled to his feet, looking for
Page 23 and 24: “Yeah?” “Absolutely.” “Wh
Page 25 and 26: All the courage vanished. I was sma
Page 27 and 28: Color came back with a crack. Laugh
Page 29 and 30: Kissing my temple, she took me insi
Page 31 and 32: Movie We smoked too many cigarettes
Page 33 and 34: Surrender I couldn’t refuse him.
Page 35 and 36: “Not yet.” His hands stroked my
Page 37 and 38: Lost Meaning I danced. Alone. I dan
Page 39 and 40: Poverty Dinner was one egg, a piece
Page 41: Unconditional I couldn’t make my
Page 45 and 46: watched her sleep for a long time w
Page 47 and 48: from under the hood played through
Page 49 and 50: Promise Gid stood in the corner sol
Page 51 and 52: Pretty Words “Do you love me?”
Page 53 and 54: A Dream in Daylight Coy was small a
Page 55 and 56: Return I neither slept nor woke. It
Page 57 and 58: She put her hand on my knee. “It
Page 59 and 60: More Trouble Coy came looking for t
Page 61 and 62: Consequences Pastel landscapes hung
Page 63 and 64: Time Out Even at sunset, Hagg Lake
Page 65 and 66: Missionaries Two boys came around t
Page 67 and 68: Tad’s face was hard and pointed.
Page 69 and 70: Doorway It happened fast and it las
Page 71 and 72: Visions People talked. They talked
Page 73 and 74: Alone But Then Not I danced with th
Page 75 and 76: Dread In the space between sleep an
Page 77 and 78: Blurred Tayla started the coffee. L
Page 79 and 80: The Object of Envy Ravens rose on b
Page 81 and 82: Unprovoked A large mirror covered a
Page 83 and 84: “I’m sorry,” I said. “Me to
Page 85 and 86: screamed. I screamed and screamed.
Page 87 and 88: Glorious Downtown. Sunlight and bri
Page 89 and 90: Drinks and Sex Men came and went. N
Page 91 and 92: That World Everything was incompreh
Page 93 and 94:
ain pierced my face and forearms wi
Page 95 and 96:
But she didn’t know. She had no i
Page 97 and 98:
Angie leaned in. Her lips traced a
Page 99 and 100:
Promises Gid stared at me and I sta
Page 101 and 102:
The seatbelt gave way and I jumped
Page 103 and 104:
Taking Charge I lost my mind. Faces
Page 105 and 106:
from the sink. A call button hung f
Page 107 and 108:
Laps Walls the color of eggshells h
Page 109 and 110:
Burning Sin Pain shaped my dreams.
Page 111 and 112:
“Well,” she said. “You made i
Page 113 and 114:
“When they lay on their death bed
Page 115 and 116:
“Same.” “Want to go to your r
Page 117 and 118:
Release They sent me home. It was m
Page 119 and 120:
The Edge of Dreams No sleep. Every
Page 121 and 122:
A Brittle Moment It came all at onc
Page 123 and 124:
Date Night Tayla stood at the stove
Page 125 and 126:
Tragic Morning Trees on the edge of
Page 127 and 128:
Between Here and There “What do y
Page 129 and 130:
Knives and Sadness Lying alone in m
Page 131 and 132:
Prayer “Dear Jesus,” I prayed.
Page 133 and 134:
“Soon enough.” 125
Page 135 and 136:
ightened. Ivory lined green banners
Page 137 and 138:
Back Again Voices filled the cafete
Page 139 and 140:
Slipping Midnight. One. Two. Three
Page 141 and 142:
Lies I hurt. Every movement. Every
Page 143 and 144:
Angie nodded. “Sure,” she said.
Page 145 and 146:
“Butter,” Mom used to say. “N
Page 147 and 148:
Work Out Each step was a marathon.
Page 149 and 150:
First Try “Dance for me,” Tayla
Page 151 and 152:
Suddenly, he was inside me, moving
Page 153 and 154:
“I don’t know,” I said. “I
Page 155 and 156:
I dreamed of music, but I didn’t
Page 157 and 158:
“Jesus,” she said and got out.
Page 159 and 160:
“What’re you doing?” “He wa
Page 161 and 162:
The Plan Comes Together We gathered
Page 163 and 164:
Freak Out I went to bed at three, I
Page 165 and 166:
Vows and Promises Tayla’s hair wa
Page 167 and 168:
He turned to smoke and mist and ros
Page 169 and 170:
Thoughts Biology was a class of lon
Page 171 and 172:
No God Religion and government. Fai
Page 173 and 174:
Almost Breakfast came at me in wave
Page 175 and 176:
Help Steam rolled up and broke agai
Page 177 and 178:
Animal noises ripped out my throat.
Page 179 and 180:
the baby up for adoption. We talked
Page 181 and 182:
Miss Tris didn’t buy all of it, b
Page 183 and 184:
“Why?” “Never mind,” I said
Page 185 and 186:
Fine “You’re getting fatter,”
Page 187 and 188:
Faces Faces melted. Jaw lines narro
Page 189 and 190:
The Beginning of the End The bar wa
Page 191 and 192:
Kind of a Moment I had a plan. For
Page 193 and 194:
“Fine.” When I got to the door,
Page 195 and 196:
Angie laughed. It was a cruel, hard
Page 197 and 198:
A Moment on the Corner Sunlight bro
Page 199 and 200:
No Gray Queertopia was empty but th
Page 201 and 202:
Race Haven was all movement and col
Page 203 and 204:
“What?” Tayla asked. I shook my
Page 205 and 206:
Confession Sleep abandoned me to th
Page 207 and 208:
Silence Six days of silence. I woke
Page 209 and 210:
“I need a smoke,” I said and go
Page 211 and 212:
“Have you talked to her?” “Sh
Page 213 and 214:
“But now,” she said, “now you
Page 215 and 216:
Disturbed Even the echoes died in t
Page 217 and 218:
Nothing Changed Cherry blossoms cam
Page 219 and 220:
Spark All night, I sat in the livin
Page 221 and 222:
Reunion First thing in the morning,
Page 223 and 224:
Back in my Bed Three faces hung in
Page 225 and 226:
Far From Perfect Antiseptic walls r
Page 227 and 228:
Fair Angie stood in the middle of t
Page 229 and 230:
Face I walked in sunlight. It taste
Page 231 and 232:
Names Lunch came and we all sat in
Page 233 and 234:
Fair Warning Coy had something to s
Page 235 and 236:
On the Edge of Things People talked
Page 237 and 238:
“She thought we broke up,” I sa
Page 239 and 240:
“You’re fine,” she said. “Y
Page 241 and 242:
“Some folks,” Mr. Skarey said,
Page 243 and 244:
The baby hiccupped, a rhythmic danc
Page 245 and 246:
“You’re going to be okay,” he
Page 247 and 248:
A Comfortable Madness Middle of the
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