Reach Out April 2018

Personal Information Stories
What can parents and other family members do to
support siblings?
The most important thing parents can do is to encourage and
help siblings express their mix of complicated thoughts and
feelings. One way to frame this is that any feeling is ok. Of
course, not all behaviour is ok, and parents can help siblings
learn ways to manage any difficult feelings.
For example, the siblings may feel anger or resentment that
the family picnic was cancelled. That’s ok, they’re a child and
they were looking forward to the picnic. But there needs to be
limits on the acceptable behaviour in response to that (e.g. they
might be allowed to punch their pillow but not allowed to punch
walls) depending on the rules within that family.
It can be particularly difficult for parents when siblings
voice concerns over not receiving as much attention or time as
their brother or sister. It is especially important to accept these
feelings and not become defensive. Aggressive and difficult
behaviour by the child with the disability is another challenge.
Siblings can be physically and emotionally hurt by aggressive
behaviour and parents can support the siblings to be able to
express their hurt while also understanding the limitations of
their brother’s or sister’s disability.
Information is also important. For children, the
information needs to be at an appropriate level for the age of the
child. Parents can find books at an appropriate level or seek the
help of health professionals to explain the condition and answer
questions. This knowledge will need to be expanded over time
with the sibling.
Learning to balance the amount of responsibility siblings
have can help siblings to develop their own identity. The
siblings may contribute in many ways and parents can
acknowledge and appreciate this contribution, but having
limits and saying things like, “That’s my job. You can go and
play now,” can be really helpful.
Thinking about the future for the person with a disability
is also important. It is helpful to start exploring what future
options might be available, earlier rather than later.
In the same way that parents find it helpful to have contact
with other parents who understand, many siblings find it
helpful to make contact with other siblings. Siblings who can get
together with other siblings really value the opportunity to share
experiences and knowledge and, in the process, feel less alone.
How does the sibling experience and the roles they
play change over time as parents and the whole family
gets older?
Again there is a huge mix of adult sibling experiences.
Sometimes it is very sad when the sibling has had a very
stressful childhood and moves away and doesn’t have a strong
relationship with their brother or sister.
The key is to look at it from the perspective of developing
a good life for the sibling and for their brother or sister with a
disability. Some siblings take on a role similar to other brothers
and sisters and spend social time together and support each
other in a variety of ways. If the person with a disability is still
living at home, the siblings may take on a caring role from
time to time or support their parents continuing to play this
role. Siblings can also have a role in advocacy, such as being
one part of a circle of support for their brother or sister. It can
make a difference whether there is only one sibling or if there
are several. Sometimes siblings give up their own lives to care
for a brother or sister but, in the longer term, this is often
problematic for both. I do think it is important that siblings are
not considered automatic carers, but are still seen as playing
significant roles in the life of their brother or sister, contributing
to their sibling’s social and emotional wellbeing.
What role do you think gender plays in sibling issues?
I hesitate to stereotype but, as children, boys tend to externalise
their emotions more and girls tend to internalise more. This
won’t apply to everyone, but boys may tend to act out while girls
may be at higher risk of anxiety and depression. Girls may be
more likely to take on the caring role for their brother or sister
but also more likely to reach out for support. For example,
Siblings Australia runs a Facebook group for adult siblings and
there are many more female members than males.
There is a lack of research in this area but much of this
mirrors what we know of some of the general differences
between the genders.
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