CCChat-Magazine_10

Bluebell
…My dad kicked my mum in the stomach and
assaulted her in many ways and I was born with a
hole in my heart, and it made me very weak and small
as a child and I missed a lot of school as I was always
in hospital. I was always the smallest and weakest
throughout my childhood and got bullied for being
like that. Then, as an adult, I fell for abusers, so
maybe I could say thanks to my dad for that sort of
life....
Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are
pregnant. They do not help us to look after our
other children and make continuous sexual
demands.
Rose wrote this, with hindsight, after she had
completed the Freedom Programme:
Daisy
...We had been trying for a baby. We were having a
row, don’t know what about. He dragged me off the
bed and along the landing and was going to throw me
down the stairs and out of the house. I escaped and
ran back to the bedroom.
I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time and then,
three weeks later, I had a miscarriage at seven weeks
gestation. I look back now and think maybe he caused
that.
…..This was my situation when I was pregnant, and
still with the Dominator. I remember what it was like
for me. I am stressed and have high anxiety. This is
being passed to my unborn child. I had four
miscarriages before having my first son. A cause was
never found. I keep bleeding. I am so scared that I will
lose this baby too.
I feel hideous. I hate being pregnant. He calls me fat
and ugly. I don’t look after myself correctly. I can’t
afford to eat enough healthy foods because he keeps
all the money. I am scared if this baby will be healthy.
I am sure my baby will be underweight.
Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are pregnant.
They do not help us to look after our other children and make continuous sexual
demands.
Of course, I will never know for sure and, at the time, I
justified his behaviour by saying, ‘Well, he didn’t know
I was pregnant’. But we were trying for a baby, and you
don’t do that to someone you are trying to have a baby
with.
When I was seven months pregnant, he threatened to
shut me up by smacking me in the face. I always felt
that he wasn’t violent toward me when I was pregnant,
but I think I just decided to forget the times he was
violent with me out of a kind of survival thing. I was
too worried about being on my own with a baby, so I
stayed with him despite the violence throughout all my
pregnancies...
Babies who have been assaulted in the womb can be
damaged and suffer from epilepsy or cerebral palsy. As
mothers, we very rarely make this connection...
I hardly sleep and I am so tired. I have to keep him
company all night and massage his feet. I keep
making mistakes the next day because I’m tired. I feel
like I’m going mad, so I keep going to the doctors for
depression. I can’t rest at all because he won’t help
look after the other children.
How will I manage with another child? I don’t think I
want it. Will I love this baby? I am pushed out of the
bed to sleep on the floor and it hurts my back. My
baby can hear all the noise and he becomes so
unsettled in my stomach.
I am worried whether my baby’s organs will be OK. I
drink to forget about the affairs he keeps having. I
want to stop, but I can’t face my life. I get locked out
the house late at night with no clothes on. I keep
getting chest infections…
NEXT ISSUE: CHAPTER THREE - The Newborn Baby
Reproduced with kind permission of Pat Craven
2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible