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Bluebell …My dad kicked my mum in the stomach and assaulted her in many ways and I was born with a hole in my heart, and it made me very weak and small as a child and I missed a lot of school as I was always in hospital. I was always the smallest and weakest throughout my childhood and got bullied for being like that. Then, as an adult, I fell for abusers, so maybe I could say thanks to my dad for that sort of life.... Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are pregnant. They do not help us to look after our other children and make continuous sexual demands. Rose wrote this, with hindsight, after she had completed the Freedom Programme: Daisy ...We had been trying for a baby. We were having a row, don’t know what about. He dragged me off the bed and along the landing and was going to throw me down the stairs and out of the house. I escaped and ran back to the bedroom. I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time and then, three weeks later, I had a miscarriage at seven weeks gestation. I look back now and think maybe he caused that. …..This was my situation when I was pregnant, and still with the Dominator. I remember what it was like for me. I am stressed and have high anxiety. This is being passed to my unborn child. I had four miscarriages before having my first son. A cause was never found. I keep bleeding. I am so scared that I will lose this baby too. I feel hideous. I hate being pregnant. He calls me fat and ugly. I don’t look after myself correctly. I can’t afford to eat enough healthy foods because he keeps all the money. I am scared if this baby will be healthy. I am sure my baby will be underweight. Dominators refuse to let us rest when we are pregnant. They do not help us to look after our other children and make continuous sexual demands. Of course, I will never know for sure and, at the time, I justified his behaviour by saying, ‘Well, he didn’t know I was pregnant’. But we were trying for a baby, and you don’t do that to someone you are trying to have a baby with. When I was seven months pregnant, he threatened to shut me up by smacking me in the face. I always felt that he wasn’t violent toward me when I was pregnant, but I think I just decided to forget the times he was violent with me out of a kind of survival thing. I was too worried about being on my own with a baby, so I stayed with him despite the violence throughout all my pregnancies... Babies who have been assaulted in the womb can be damaged and suffer from epilepsy or cerebral palsy. As mothers, we very rarely make this connection... I hardly sleep and I am so tired. I have to keep him company all night and massage his feet. I keep making mistakes the next day because I’m tired. I feel like I’m going mad, so I keep going to the doctors for depression. I can’t rest at all because he won’t help look after the other children. How will I manage with another child? I don’t think I want it. Will I love this baby? I am pushed out of the bed to sleep on the floor and it hurts my back. My baby can hear all the noise and he becomes so unsettled in my stomach. I am worried whether my baby’s organs will be OK. I drink to forget about the affairs he keeps having. I want to stop, but I can’t face my life. I get locked out the house late at night with no clothes on. I keep getting chest infections… NEXT ISSUE: CHAPTER THREE - The Newborn Baby Reproduced with kind permission of Pat Craven 2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible
<strong>CCChat</strong> <strong>Magazine</strong> is now on Patreon. If you have enjoyed reading this magazine and would like to be a part of developing and improving it, please consider becoming a patron and help create a bigger platform for MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE https://www.patreon.com/ user?u=5609243 For further detail please contact Min on contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk
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