FEATURE ARTICLE SEEING RED, feeling blue by Danielle Forsyth, Educational Psychologist at Trinityhouse Heritage Hill 12 | The Trinitonian
therapist once taught me that anger is A the emotion we snatch up to avoid less comfortable internal feelings being expressed outwardly – namely rejection, confusion, anxiety, sadness and depression. Handling children’s anger can be puzzling, draining and very distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. It has been said that as parents and teachers, we often need to remind ourselves that we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during our own childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty for expressing it. It will be easier to deal with children’s anger if we get rid of this notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children – or in ourselves – but rather to accept the feelings and to help channel and direct them to constructive ends. Children should be allowed to feel all of their feelings. Adult skills can then be directed towards showing children acceptable ways of expressing their feelings, rather than internalising them. Strong feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of serious problems, but should rather be recognised and treated with the utmost respect. To respond effectively to overly aggressive behaviour in children, we need to identify possible triggers of the behaviour. Anger may be a defence to avoid painful feelings, it may be associated with failure, parents arguing/separation/divorce, low self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be related to anxieties about situations over which the child has no control. Anger defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency, sadness and even depression. In childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one another. It is thus important to remember that much of what we as adults experience as sadness is expressed by a child as anger. Symptoms to look out for in children with inward anger (depression): • Irritability or anger; • Continuous feelings of sadness, hopelessness; • Social withdrawal; • Increased sensitivity to rejection; • Changes in appetite – either increased or decreased; • Changes in sleep – sleeplessness or excessive sleep; • Vocal outbursts or crying; • Difficulty concentrating; • Fatigue and low energy; • Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends or at school; • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt; and • Thoughts of death or suicide. Before we look at specific ways to redirect outbursts and feeling blue, several points need to be highlighted: Anger and aggression are not one and the same thing. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration and an internal negative energy force, whereas aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property. We must be cautious in differentiating between behaviours that indicate emotional challenges and behaviour that is normal. Thus, when assisting children to deal with anger and depression, our action should be motivated by the need to protect and to reach out, and not by a desire to punish. Adults should show a child that they accept a child’s feelings, while further suggesting other ways to express their feelings. It is not enough to tell children what behaviours we find unacceptable. They need to learn effective and age-appropriate means of coping, but can only do so through our guidance in communicating our expectations. Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to convey this message to our children. The Trinitonian | 13
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