The Sandbag Times Issue No: 48

THE CHRONICLES OF LITTLE HOPE
Letter of the Month
Dearest Hilda,
I am at a total loss as to what I am to do.
Since those nasty German fellows have started
being beastly again, the government have
issued an edict banning the ringing of church
bells unless the enemy invade. I mean, what
am I to tug on now that the vicar’s bell clappers
have been muffled?
I have been pulling his bell rope now for several
years and have become something of an
expert in manual dexterity, indeed I can pull
his rope with one hand, both hands or indeed
either hand, such is the muscle strength in
both hands. I can tell you now that the vicar
heaves a sigh of bliss when He feels me tugging
away manually.
I am at a loss, how do I keep the muscles in
trim for future manual manipulation?
Yours,
Isabel Ringer
Dear Miss Ringer,
Oddly enough, the Vicar and I were discussing
your prowess in the pulling department on
Tuesday last when we met for our weekly
tête-à-tête and a quick munch (one has to
admire the man, even in these difficult times
one never comes away from his front parlour
empty handed, indeed, on this occasion he
gave me an excellent stuffing) and I can confirm
that the good fellow misses your giving
his bell rope a good old tug every bit as much
as you miss doing it.
“Miss Ringer really did have it down to a fine
art,” he explained, “Bell clappers are terribly
delicate things, Mrs Ffinch and you’d be surprised
at the scale of damage which might be
occasioned by a rogue tug.”
Actually, I wouldn’t. Colonel Ffinch and I went
through a phase of frenzied campanology
whilst on honeymoon in the west country, it
came to an abrupt end when my dear spouse
gave a gargantuan pull on the Bishop of
Exeter’s well hung bell rope causing a frightful
commotion in the poor man’s upper chamber
as his gudgeon dropped out and occasioned
his headstock to come adrift. One shredded
muffler and a questionable tittums touch
later and a subsequent pull-off was completely out
of the question, there was nothing for it but for
the assembled ringers to get the Bishop’s hand
bells out for evensong, give them a quick spit and
polish and go at it like buggery, as it were.
The colonel and I heard later that neither the
Bishop nor his congregation were particularly
impressed with the state of affairs and that it took
several members of the Exeter WI a great deal of
pulling and bunking to get the good man’s beam
up again (so to speak), but by this time we’d given
up bell-ringing and had moved on to mud-larking,
which proved to be much more fun, and so we
weren’t too concerned about the havoc caused by
Colonel Ffinch’s slightly over zealous handstroke
and agreed that the Bishop really ought to have
had his gudgeon examined more closely before
inviting complete strangers in for a pull.
Now, back to the present and your dilemma. The
vicar and I both agreed that it would be a shame
to let your masterful grip weaken through wont of
a good jerk of a Sunday morning and he’s wondering
if you would like to volunteer to polish his
knob instead? It is, as you know, rather large and
heavy and is handled by parishioners several
times a week when calling at the vicarage for spiritual
advice and succour. Impressive though it may
be, it is however in need of constant attention lest
it come off in someone’s hand again as was the
case when I called for tiffin last week.
The Reverend Fishwick asked me to let you know
that the job’s yours if you want it and blow what
the rest of the ringers think. Do please let him
know your thoughts at your earliest opportunity.
I do hope this helps.
Yours,
Hilda Ffinch
The Bird With All The Answers.
p.s. Obviously, polishing the vicar’s knob will also
entail wiping down the church door and giving it a
fresh lick (of paint) as and when required.
If you’d like Hilda Ffinch, The Bird With All The
Answers to address your own wartime problem,
then pop along to
https://www.mrsfoxgoestowar.co.uk/hilda-finchagony-aunt
to subject your personal crisis to her
(hopefully) sober scrutiny. Remember to give
yourself a suitable wartime alias! Letters will be
answered online and a selection of them published
in next month’s Sandbag Times.
www.sandbagtimes.co.uk 41 |